Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Eve 2009

I am such an idiot.

So I wrote this song about how much I want this guy to like me and I want him to make a move on me and how I was confused and I actually say "I want to pull you into me" in the song. And then Andon, the guy I wrote the song about, offers to help me write it.

So he came over today and we spent hours playing music. Then we got to work on the song and it was great and it came so easily and we recorded it (even though I have a cold). And it sounds really good and I am so excited because one of my goals was to write and record a song this year, and now I have and I'm putting it on last fm and I am so excited. He is so cute and comes in a button up shirt and those nerdy black glasses and he has two piercings, one on his nose and one on his lip and then an ear piercing that is slightly gauged and he has this curly dark hair and I love his smile and I like watching his hands move. Fo some reason the thing a guy could do that would most turn me on is play an instrument. Watching his hands and hearing the music I close my eyes and let it fill me.

Then he goes "Oh shit, it's after nine?"
"…yeah"
"I was supposed to be somewhere at nine."
"Oh."
"My ex and I just got back together…"
My head swirls and I get smaller. oh.

The whole night I have been watching him play, watching him smile, singing this song with him. And I thought he liked me. Like liked me liked me. He said things like "I like listening to music with you" and we just sat and listened to music for a while. He is so easy to hang out with! And we wrote a song together! And he is cute! Really cute!

oooo, Epic Fail.

My life is like this. So he leaves and I feel hurt and disappointed and it is 10 on new years eve. And I have no plans. This was my plan. As he left he said he would invite me to the party he was going to but his girlfriend was already jealous of me. epic fail fail fail. I am so stupid. SO stupid.

So I have two options:
1. Get blindly drunk at the nearest bar and maybe go home with a stranger.
2. Call friends and desperately hope someone is free to hang out or have me join them in their evening fun.

So I think about riding my bike downtown, getting arrested later for drunk on ze bike driving, how no one cool goes to the bars here (it is a very small town).

Then I call John. He calls me back immediately. I tell him I am sad. I want to hang out. He sounds tired from work. He has to work in the morning. I ask him to come over. He will. He will call me back in 15 he says. My Internet goes on and off. My night goes on and off. I want to cry on his shoulders and I want to smile and pretend nothing is wrong.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

One down, one to go

All I keep thinking is tomorrow is my last chance - I need to have sex with one new person and it will be an even 10 for this year.


I'm also thinking ow, my hand hurts because I burned it making tea because I am an idiot. I was trying to get that last drop of hot water out of the kettle and I tipped it so far the lid of the kettle came off and, well, out came boiling water and steam onto my hand.

And the other day I was talking to Andon and he said I was easy to talk to and I told him about this song I've been writing and he asked about the lyrics so I sent them to him and he thinks they are wonderful so he is making the music for it and he kinda suggested we hang out tomorrow but nothing for sure and he hasn't been on-line all daaaaayyy and I want to know if I can hang out with him tomorrow because I really want to. Not just for sex. I don't even know if he likes me. But I hope he does.

And Ribsy came over and watched a movie with me. I don't really like him that much. He has gained some weight and has crazy wavy long blond hair and is shorter than I remember and he has this weird little laugh. And by the way he is acting i could tell he just wanted to do me and be done with it but all he got was a hug (I couldn't avoid it and it was weird long). I think the only reason I avoided anything else was because of my cold and constantly eating cough drops. He kept talking during the movie about stupid things and staring at me. Oh well. I kinda knew I didn't like him anyways. Now how to let him down gently?

Oh dear lord my hand hurts.

People probably think I'm crazy because I've been on facebook so much. But the reason is that is the only place I really talk to Andon. Why don't people use aim anymore? geez. Well, hopefully I'll do something cool for new years and you'll get a juicy post on the 1st. If not I am going to drink myself to oblivion and you will hear nothing.

Movie dates are Lame

So Facebook guy's name is Nick. He picked me up in this old truck that was tall and super hard to jump into - and I actually did have to jump. He was easily 30 lbs (like 2 stones) heavier than his pictures, go figure. But I was like whatever, free dinner and a movie.
So we went to a Thai place that was completely empty. He had this crazy orange hair that was standing straight up, without the aid of gel or mouse. He just talked about himself the whole time, and he isn't that interesting. We had nothing in common. I hate greasy fast foods, and he loves them. I love traveling, he doesn't like it. And so on. But I suffered through it, he was nice and I just smiled and ate my soup.
And then we went to the movies. He said he doesn't like going to the movies but he has seen everything that is out. So we saw "Up in the Air" which was interesting. It wasn't that great, but I liked how it wasn't the typical Hollywood story line.


The whole time I kept flashing back to this date I had years ago. When I was dumped by Wyatt I was really bummed and in my second semester of college. So I did what every stupid person does; I went to an on-line dating site. I got this guy who responded and everything seemed to match up so I went out with him. We met at a local coffee shop and then went to a movie. He was from the coast guard, tall with red short hair (I have bad luck with gingers apparently). But we saw some stupid Navy movie and the whole time he was just trying to grope me and kiss me. When we got out of the theater he pinned me against the wall and tried to kiss me but I slipped under his arm. Just then my phone rang and I answered it, going "oh, you need me to come over right now? Ok, I'll be there in five!" and my friends who were calling were like "uh, we were just calling to see what you were doing but ...ok." and I couldn't leave faster. I told him on-line I didn't want to see him again and he was like "oh, I thought we had something" and acted all hurt. Like wtf. This is why coasties have such a bad reputation.

But Nick was at least nice enough not to make any moves. I was carefully not to even accidentally touch his arm or anything. And then I was like "oh, work in the morning blah blah" and went home. I had to be careful about going on-line because I didn't want him to see I was on-line. Oh well for me saying yes to random dates.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Do I Look like a Slut?

So here is what I am thinking:
1. I am ok with the whole Scott thing. No one got hurt, it was fun, it was like a two/three week stand.

2. I have a high sex drive. One more guy I think makes it a round 10 this year. Why is that a goal in my mind?

3. This makes me a slut I think. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am not crying in misery but I don't think I will be shouting it from roof tops either.

4. I have options.
Guy 1, Ribsy knows me through John and is a jobless pot head and a musician. He has been texting and IMing me a lot, and keeps asking to hang out. He is ok looking, I haven't seen him in person in a while.
Guy 2, found me randomly on facebook and asked me to go out sometime and hangout. Some of his pics are good, some not good. Could go either way. I forgot his name already.
Guy 3, Andon (!) from the party on the mountain. I started IMing him again tonight, oh my thoughts. He asked about the Scott thing and I said we had a mutual breakup because we realized it wouldn't work between us. And then we talked about music (!), foreign movies (!) and random things like shrooms (!). We have so much in common it is crazy. But enough different where it is interesting. He asked for my number and said we can hang out tomorrow (!).

Of course I will always have the option of looking for a sugar daddy on Craig's list.

But seriously, what to do. I have been pulling Ribsy on a string for a while and I pretty much told facebook guy 'whenever you are free hit me up', and I am seeing Andon tomorrow. Sex sex sex. Slut slut slut. I have no perception of when it is okay to have sex, how much is too much and when I am going too fast for these poor men. I think being upfront is my best option but I know if they think I am a slut it won't be good, but I don't know why. I don't care much about facebook guy but Ribsy could be a nice friends with benefits and then of course Andon would be a great fun dating thing but I don't want anything serious. ho hum. Oh and today I saw that guy Elusive and I just waved and went on my way - I was doing all my holiday shopping in two hours (I have mad skills). When I saw him I thought in my head 'I still haven't taken a shower since I had sex with you yesterday', and then I realized I sounded creepy. I am getting in the shower right now.

And I seriously need to stock up on condoms, I used my last one. I know what I want for x-mas...actually, a new vibrator would be good too.


Oh, and I've been thinking about the whole anonymous thing. I think the reason I am not more careful is because I don't care that much, and the reason I am careful at all is because people are judgey. At least if they find this site and read it I can call them pervs.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Elusive

So it was still Yule and I just got dumped.

I have met a lot of people through Maria, but I never got close to any of them - all I needed was one good friend, why waste my efforts on other people who may let me down? But Maria and I were/are in our tiff so I texted someone I met through her - Sadie. She invited me to join the booze train.

I borrowed my mother's car and drove back to my home town, meeting Sadie and her part time lover Dickaless in the breezeway at 7pm sharp. The night was crisp and cool. The wind made me shiver. I always wear a dress on the holidays, so I had my black dress and black leggings with those Ugg boots and a warm dark green coat. A dark rose and charcoal hat topped off the look, my long brown hair falling into curls down my back.

I brought my flask of whiskey and cigarettes, and we each picked up a 32oz beer at the sevey (7/11, a quicky mart). We walked down towards the pipe bridge, but instead of going down by the bushes and the bank we followed the train tracks a little ways and I could hear the hollow sound of a boom box playing. There were the usual suspects, most of them just visiting - back in town for the holidays. There was Alice, who was Maria's new best chick friend; a rather nice skinny white girl who paints creepy things, she had her own set of quirks and emotional issues, much like me. I like Alice. Maria and her boyfriend were there. Joe was laying on the ground, drunk and texting an ex, trying to flirt with Maria and being shut down. She told him she was going to shit on his face. There was another guy whose name always eludes me, I've met him many a time but he goes to college up north now. We shall call him Elusive Guy.

I sat down on a piece of wood. They were finishing off a thirty pack of cheap beer when we arrived, and I passed around the whiskey. I also brought my camera; I hadn't taken pictures of my nights out in a while. A few people complained about the pictures. Joe couldn't remember meeting me before, but said he remembered me from Facebook. He said my updates were interesting. He was really drunk and tried to climb a fence upside down. He kept bumping into me. I started talking to elusive guy and he said he last remembered me from a party over a year ago. He says he is Pagan but not Wiccan. I gave him a cigarette. Joe tried to go home but walked the wrong way. Then he left again, hopefully in the right direction. I told Maria I was glad she wasn't mad at me anymore. She said she was never mad at me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. We all decided to go to a near by Mexican restaurant.

On the walk I talked to the elusive guy some more. Everyone got ahead of us. Somehow we ended up talking about our recent break ups. He had got dumped a few months ago, the girl wanted an open relationship and he said no, and she said "well, I'm fucking someone else." Which was the end of that. I just proclaimed everyone should be straight forward. He agreed. We pieced another cigarette, waiting for the cops to leave the restaurant before we joined our friends inside. I got the feeling he was into me, I decided to play it out.

We went inside. I sat next to Sadie and talked. I really like her. Maria never did in the beginning but I think she is ok with her now. Sadie is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, which i think is cool. She fools around a lot with her words, sometimes harshly. I think she has adopted Maria's strategy of being bitchy so as not to get hurt. Not my style, but I respect it. Elusive guy sat at another table with one of his friends that had joined us, James. Dickaless kept calling me Antlers, which I kinda like. There was talk of getting another thirty pack, but on the way back to sevey we lost Maria and her boyfriend. Then Sadie and Dickaless fell behind.

So James and Elusive and I got a 32oz beer each and walked up to oak hill. This is a legendary park on top of a hill covered in oak trees at the edge of downtown. It was the first place I ever got drunk, back when I was sixteen, actually a week before I was seventeen but whatever. I needed a place to crash since I couldn't drive home and Elusive said I could stay with him, but he had a couch. I was down. We drank and Sadie and Dickaless joined us on the hill as well as two girls. Elusive talked to the girls but I wasn't jealous or worried he would go off with them instead of me. Which is new for me, I am usually insecure. I got up to pee or something and when I got back I realized someone had taken my beer. I was upset at first but hen realized I was really drunk and it didn't matter. Elusive suggested we get going. Turns out he was staying at a relative's house near by.

We walked arm in arm and I wasn't nervous or thinking sexy thoughts - I was just laughing and having a good time. He dropped the cigarette and I got another one out, and we would come to a complete stop to pass it, so that we didn't drop it again. We went through a fence and into the backyard. We went into a large shed. It was cold and had a light hanging from the ceiling. There was a couch and a blanket on it. I took off my jacket. It was pretty cold. I didn't feel cold but i was shivering. I quickly realized we were going to be sharing some small space, and we were going to be having sex. I'm not sure how it happened, either he asked me to or I just started stripping and so did he.

"Get in" he said.
I climbed onto the couch and laid down and he covered me with the white down blanket, climbing in on top of me. He kissed me. It was sweet smelling. I liked how he tasted, how his skin smelled. He had freckles on his shoulders. He ordered me around.
"Grab my dick." I did. It was hard and thick.
"I wanna fuck you" he said, "don't tell Maria."
"Ok, I won't tell her." (uh, why would I?)
"Don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't. I won't tell anyone." I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him already.
"69" he said and turned around.
I liked his dick. Some guys don't keep it clean enough down there, but he was clean and not too hairy. He knew what he was doing. After a while he turned around again.
"I want to kiss your pussy. I love your pussy."
"Okay" I know, I could win a literary prize.
He went down on me some more. It was pretty good but i need him to press harder, stay in one spot longer. And it didn't help matters that I was really drunk. We didn't have time to get to know each other, so I did my whole one night stand act - I exaggerate everything so they get the idea. I do more moans, more movement with my hips, pulling the hair. It works really well actually.
"Do you want me to get a condom? I have a condom."
"Yeah."
I reached over to my purse and got the condom, handed it to him.
"OH fuck. Where did it go?"
"What?"
"I dropped it. I dropped the condom." He searched around for it in the darkness. "I'm going to have to run to the store and get another one."
"Damn." I pulled the blankets up, it was getting cold. "Do you need money or something? You should hurry."
"I got it. I want you to masturbate when I'm gone. Promise me."
"Okay"
He leaned over me and kissed me. Then he started going down on me again.
"Go get the condom! I want you to fuck me."
"OK, I'll be right back." He ran out quickly.
It was cold. I decided to use the time to find my clothes, so I wouldn't have to look for them later. He had already told me that the only place to pee was out on the side of the shed. The concrete floor was cold.
"oh, hey" I said, he was back already.
"I forgot my wallet." he was kissing me again.
"oh"
and going down on me again. He kept doing that move that some guys do where they shake their heads when they are going down on you, and I never found it that appealing. I love guys that pay so much attention to the lady's pleasure though. Can't complain there.
"Oh hey, I found it!" he said, holding up the condom he had dropped earlier.
"Put it on!"
He put it on and told me to grab his dick again, and I did and then he pushed inside of me.
"ok, now get on your hands and knees."
I did, and he went from behind. My head hit against the wooden arm of the couch.
"Now turn on your back again."
"Harder." I should learn this word in every language.
"Ohh, I'm going to cum." This always happens when it is getting good.
I love the way a guy sounds before he comes, how he tenses and his breathing changes. The smell of his sweat. The way his balls move and his cock swells.
"I want to finish this way." He pulled out and took off the condom, rubbing himself.
"Grab my dick." I did.
He started cumming on my face and chest. I liked the way he moaned. I hadn't gotten a facial in a long time. We were silent for a minute and all I could hear was his breath in the cold night.
"Is there something I can wipe this up with?" I could feel his semen covering my left eye.
"Here" he handed me his boxers and I wiped myself off. He was already moving down, going down on me again.
It felt good but really I knew I wouldn't be able to cum. I had too much to drink, otherwise I'm sure I would have. I could tell he knew his way around down there.
Afterwards he came up and spooned me.
"Sorry I didn't make you cum." He sounded very apologetic.
"No worries."
"No, seriously. I wanted to make you cum. It's kinda my thing."
"Well, I've slept with ...well, now 12 guys... and only 2 have made me cum. So it's no big deal."
"Well I've slept with people two, not twelve...."
oh geez, did I really just offer up my number, my now high number?
"If I wasn't drunk I would have came."
He apologized again and I pressed against him. We smelled like each other. I went to sleep.


I woke feeling like I was going to barf. It was that dead part of night. I got up and looked for some clothes. Nothing. All I could find was my jacket so I put that on, leaving it open so my nakedness was exposed, and I walked around the side of the shed. I made myself barf to end the nausea. Then I peed for good measure. I crawled back into the couch. I was shivering like mad.


My cell phone alarm went off. The birds were chirping and the sun was just coming up. I laid there for a minute and then got up, putting on my clothes as quick as I could find them. I had mud on my dress. I laughed at the sight of it. He watched me get dressed. I buttoned up my coat and put my hat over my not matted and tangled hair. I still felt drunk. And soooo thirsty.
"Thanks for letting me crash here. How do I get back to downtown?"
"Take a right then a left."
"Cool, thanks." I left, not looking back.
The back of my heel was rubbed raw from the shoes. I stopped at sevey and got crackers, a water bottle and some bandaids. The same guy was working that had been there last night. I wonder if the recognized me. I walked to the car, drinking water and eating to try and sober up. It was so cold for morning. The sunlight felt gorgeous.
I knew if my mom didn't need the car back I wouldn't have decided to drive, I was still drunk. But not drunk enough to not return the car. I didn't want to deal with it. So I drove home, cautious and slow. Mellow. I tried to concentrate on the road.
When I got home I went through my door and quickly changed and went to give Mom the keys back.
"You have fun party girl?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, are you still drunk? You drove my car drunk."
"I'm good. I was careful." I didn't want to lie, or tell the truth. "i just need a nap. I'm really tired."
"Ok, could you help watch the kids later?"
"Yeah, sure." By which I mean no freakin' way.


I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What was stuck to the side of my face?
Oh man, that is dried semen. Hahahahaha.


When I woke up from a good three hour nap I had the spins and felt super sick and my head was pounding. Oh whiskey, why do you do this to me? I got some headache pills and water and crawled back into bed. Where I would stay. I realized I had a cut across my shin. A few actually. I know once I get naked I'll find more bruises. I usually come home with a few battle scars.
Sitting in bed I can still smell him on me. I should shower, but I like the smell.

Monday, December 21, 2009

In which Scott freaks out

So Scott doesn't respond to my text last night, or this morning. or a facebook message. It is Yule, which is the Wiccan x-mas, and it is his day off and he kind of said he wanted to see me so I wanted to know when.

Then I saw him on aim. He said he was sorry for not getting back to me, and "we need to talk". oh dear. We ALL know what that means. So I suggested walk towards each other's house, we will meet half way. I didn't want to be caged up inside. I brought my cell and my ipod, so if we broke up I could walk and listen to music or talk to someone. I was nervous as I walked, and I prayed he would not break up with me. It's Yule!

So when we met it started to rain. And my glasses were spreckled so I twirled them in my hands. It was cool but not cold, I was wearing my black little dress and a brown zip up sweater, made of something itchy. I had borrowed my mom's Ugg boots. When we meet up I was more than halfway. We didn't touch.

He slowly came out with it - he didn't want a serious relationship. He didn't want to meet my family because it would be too serious. I suggested we just have fun. He said if he continued seeing me it would become serious. It was already becoming serious. He suggested a break. I agreed on a break because I didn't want to break up with him. But even though I like dhim I realized I was just setting myself up for torture - I didn't want to to wait around for him to be ready to be off a 'break'. We talked and walked across town, against the creek and back towards our houses. It was well over an hour walk. Mostly we talked about anything but us. Finally at his street I stopped him.

"Do you want a break, like check in two weeks from now?"
"No, maybe just stop seeing each other for a while and if we decide later-"
"Dude, stop trying to give me the nicey nice lines. Do you want to break up?"
"Yes."
"Ok. See, be straight up man." It's funny, I don't think I have ever been this myself with him.
"Well this is awkward."
"Only for you" I laughed. "Hug?"
"Okay."
He leaned down and we hugged.
"Well it was nice meeting you Scott."
"it was nice meeting you too Sky"
I waved a hand as I turned and walked down towards my house, and I pulled out my phone. Time to spread the news. Tell everyone we broke up, after only a month. Less than a month. I wish he had been straight forward, but I think he was. He started dating me and then realized he didn't really want to date someone - he just wants to "meet people" which to me sounds like sleep with various people.
I thought I would be sadder, and I kind of was but not really. It didn't hit me or something. I wish we had breakup sex though, but I knew he wouldn't be down. No hard feelings, but if I ever meet him again there may be awkward feelings. I kind of knew it wouldn't work out because it wasn't clicking in the bedroom. Making out was hot but everything else wasn't working for me. I'm really glad the whole thing happened though. It made me feel more confident about myself, and I learned a thing or two. But it is kinda sad too. I'm not sure how I really feel about it. It takes the pressure off because I was worried I would fall in love and then have a tough time leaving for the Peace Corps. On the other hand, I really want to be loved. Or at least cared for. Someone to have sex and cuddle with. So it is sad, but I'm glad I didn't get my heart broken.



But it is fucking Yule. I am supposed to have sex and get drunk. Sex seems to be my coping mechanism anyways. This calls for only one thing - going to my home town.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Be and Me

I was going out of my head.

So to review from my last post: I walked over to the Mexican restaurant, which I knew would be closed. So I went to the quicky mart, and got a forty of old E (read: big bottle of cheap beer) and thought, well they might need me to buy more if I want to put it on my card. So I got a pack of American Spirit Cigarettes, even though I don't really smoke.

Then I walked back, slipping in through the back gate. The dog started going all nutts and my family was asleep and I didn't want them to see what I bought and I was having trouble locking the door, our door lock is weird. So I left it unlocked and went into my room. Oh dear. This whole booze and cigs alone is not a great idea.

So I called my younger cousin Be. She said she might hang out, she would call me later. Then I texted her saying I was going crazy and having a really tough time. She texted back that she would come get me.

Cue two hours later, she pulls up just past midnight. I climb in her car. Smells like Pot. Some skinny guy is sitting in the front seat. This car looks way nice for a girl who is working at Taco Bell. She is wearing the hat I knitted her a few years ago. She tries to ask me whats wrong in the car but I don't want to talk. I can't even express what is wrong. I just want to be obliterated with alcohol. We take the back roads to Petaluma and we stop at a quicky mart that is nick named the fast and sleazy. She isn't 21 yet so I get her a flask of rum and I get a flask of whiskey. We go to the skinny guy's house.

When we get there he has friends there. We can't go inside so we sit in his garage playing pool and he gets out a big jar of pot and starts messing with the buds. Be and I share the 40 and the rum; I save the whiskey. We smoke the pot and the cigarettes. There is another white average sized guy and a big white guy there. I don't remember what we talk about. I am really bad at pool. Be is pretty good. I am very happy and warm and drunk. But as soon as I get high I can't talk and I feel all my muscles contracting and relaxing, like these balls of heat under my skin. I know the garage is really cold. My toes are burning they are so cold.

The two guys go and Be is wasted now. When I stopped she drank more beers. I think she finished the Rum. She barfs. Twice. She starts to pass out as I and the white skinny guy try to figure out how his couch pulls out into a bed. It is small and I get her in it with me and we lay down, keeping each other warm.

I wake up early and want to get out of there. There is nothing to do. I fall back asleep. I wake up again. He makes us some potatoes and we smoke a joint before leaving. I'm really hungry after the joint. I don't want to talk to my family and either does Be. She parks far away from my house. I go in my bedroom and go on-line. Everything feels pleasant. I like how warm the bed is. It is odd, I kind of felt high almost all day.

It isn't that interesting of a night. Except this is how I react when I get this antsy feeling. I get anxious and drink and usually try to sleep with someone. I talked to Scott and told him I was high. Good for you he said over aim, and then he didn't say anything else. Ho hum. I have a feeling something isn't right.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Moody

I'm feeling moody, which is code word for my emotional crazy feelings. Basically I feel like I want to cry, even though I am not especially sad.

My boyfriend Scott slept over last night and left this morning, and I got no sex or anything like sex. Then I made a birthday cake for my brother and helped the kids decorate cookies. Watched some Numb3rs episodes. Masturbated with the rabbit, which is broken so I haven't used it in a while. But I found it is still useful if you just hold a working vibrator up to it. Such a good O that I immediatly fell asleep. Slept from some time in the early afternoon until 9ish at night. Not much around to eat here, and everything's closed. Scott is hanging out with his roomate. I have nothing to do.

So suddenly I want to cry. So I want to walk. I am missing when I used to go downtown with Maria and have a forty and smoke cigs. But she is still mad at me. So I walk to the quicky mart type thing, and I get a 40 of old E (aka, big bottle of cheap beer) and some American Spirit cigs, even though I normally don't smoke. I come back in through the back gate and have trouble locking the door and the dog starts going nuts. I leave the door unlocked.

Now I am sitting in my room, lonely. I am wondering how good of an idea it is to drink and smoke right now. Alone. I have never drank alone. I am hoping Be calls me back. I have no one really to call. No one to hang out with. Man, sometimes my life seems so great and then sometimes it sucks. Why am I so emotional? fuck fuck fuck.

I want to cry. and drink beer.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

How much is too much?

The indecisiveness was killing me. He was sleepy, laying next to me. What do I want, and what can I get?

The night had gone by quickly. Stopped by his apartment to see his cat. He put on a album he knew I would like in the car, we made curry but I didn't make it strong enough. He pulled me onto the bed. He asked me what I wanted.

I had put my ideas out there, taking every bit of courage I could summon to just ask for something that I liked to do. It was so humiliating to have to put my sexual ideas into words and leave them out in the open air, hanging there like underthings on the line.
I rubbed my fingers across the tip of his penis. "What cha thinkin'?"
"Uhhh...Well, I'd be down for the wrestling thing you were talking about, or anything else really. It is up to you. To tell the truth my thoughts are kinda wandering because your hand...my thoughts go in and out."

What to do. 69 would be nice because he wouldn't be looking at me so it might be easier to have an O, but then again I would be distracted by trying to get him off. The wresting and rougher sex is what I really wanted. But I could barley say it out loud, how was I going to do it with him? I just am not that comfortable with it. The whole act is playful and forceful and sexy all at once - but it requires openness, trust. I'm just not there.

"I'm kind of sleepy, so the more you wait the more sleepy I get." He said this with his eyes closed.
The wrestling thing is kind of like a special treat for me. I want him to be excited about it. He seems more mildly intrigued. I tell him he is too sleepy, regular sex it is. I get on top with a condom.
"Um, I've never actually put one on a guy before..." oh the embarrassment.
"Really?" He seems very surprised.
"Yeah..." I feel so stupid.
He shows me quickly and I do it. We start with me on top. I like being on top but sometimes it is hard to get the right angle. If it is hitting right i love to be on top, if I can't get the right angle it doesn't do much for me - plus it brings out my shy side because I feel like the center of attention. I close my eyes sometimes to feel more comfortable. We switch to me on bottom. This is quickly becoming my favorite with him. He leans on one arm and sometimes grabs something so he can go harder or faster. I tuck my legs in towards my chest, better angle. Angles. Who knew geometry could be so fun. He mostly hits good spots but then he hits that great spot and I pull him closer, my nails dragging across his back. He pulls my hair, yanking my head to the side. He is going harder and faster, breathing onto my neck and into my ear. I am pulling him closer, into me. My neck hurts. Yet this is so freaking hot. When he finishes I can feel his dick throbbing. We just lay there for a few seconds. I want to express how sexy and amazing that was. Everything with him is new to me. Hopefully I am not boring the hell out of him.
I just say stupidly "That was really hot." Ugghh.
We cleaned up and then he laid on his back and I rested my head on his chest. I could tell him every time I am close to him how much I like his smell. He is already drifting to sleep. He is talking about work outs he is doing that will make him climb mountains even better. I run my hands across his body; I like it now, and I'll like it when he is more muscular. Either way he is handsome.


It's hard because I was awake and I just laid there, wanting more. It was great sex but...ya know? And I was worried. He was so sleepy and happy, he just seemed so content. Like this was perfect for him - food, talking, sex, sleep. Done. Satisfied. And I'm not.
Sometimes when people talk I just want to have sex with them. I just play along and smile and have little responses but really I am imagining having sex with them, looking at all their parts. Imagining all the things we could do with each other, to each other, in each other. Scott is interesting and I actually like to talk to him. He wisely sits across the room, not knowing that this helps contain my thoughts. When he is close I just smell him and want to touch him, kiss him, rip off his clothes.... But I went to sleep like a good girlfriend, just turning over and letting him spoon me.


I went back to a few days ago, when Scott and I were sleeping in and we laid around for a while and then he started talking about food and doing something with his day. You ever wish you could have another chance, go back in time and do something differently? I got that this morning. So a few days I screwed up and it was a horrible morning for me, but this time I spoke up.

He was talking about this and that and I was letting my hands roam and just thinking, damn I want to have sex right now. He just kept talking. Then I realized something - it isn't that he doesn't want me, it is that he is still satisfied with what we did the night before. So I say something like "I like sitting here talking in bed, but there are a million better things we could be doing while naked and in bed".
Which just made him laugh. He said I was mildly entertaining. Geez. So I looked at the time. Ten to 11. He was ready t get up and dressed.
"Just ten more minutes." I said, wrapping my legs around him.
"What you want is going to turn into more than ten minutes."
"Ten minutes, a quickie I swear!"
His face kind of changed, maybe he thought I wasn't serious and finally got it. So he told me to grab a condom. It was ridiculous, I was practically giddy.
The quickie was not a quickie. But that was not my fault. It was weird. It felt like we were both having fun but he said it was hard for him to cum with just plain sex sometimes. I'm not sure what he meant by that or if that's the truth and I want to talk about it more but I don't really know how to bring it up. But anyways he decides to speed the end for himself and whips it out and masturbates at the end. Still the whole thing takes a little over twenty minutes.
When we were done I decided to be frank.
"I have a very high sex drive. I have a feeling I'll be wanting more sex than you."
"I have that feeling too." He paused, "We'll manage."
"Pretty much I'll be down whenever. I'll always choose sex over everything else, like food and sleep. I'll always fit it into my day, even if I have to run around like crazy the rest of the day. I'll always choose sex."
"We'll manage."
"Sorry." I just feel like such an imposition sometimes. Here I face such a "guy's problem" - I don't want him to feel like just my sex toy. I really like him. I just also like sex.
Smiling, he said "Oh how hard my life is."
"I know, it is just so hard being you." I paused and looked down at his flaccid penis, "Or not very hard at all."
"Ooooh! Burn."

I really am worried about it, even though he kind of laughed it off. I'm worried that I'll feel unsatisfied or he will feel overwhelmed by me. Or both. I just really want things to work out with him. I know we haven't been dating long but he is just so everything I want in a guy. If we could just get the bedroom figured out - it's fun but we haven't had super hot passionate sex yet, and he hasn't given me an O. I just can't keep asking for more. I want him to like me. What should I ask him for, How much should I ask him for? How much is too much?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Another Date with Scott

Last night Scott picked me up from work and we went to a cafe downtown and had some tea and a rummy re-match. Luck was not on my side; he beat me by over 100 points. He almost kept the napkin we wrote scores on. But it was nice because we got to talk and we were in public and I wasn't feeling like I-might-die-nervous. It's funny because he has seen me naked and everything but I still get nervous around him.
Anyways, we decided to do a music exchange so we went by his apartment to pick up his external hard drive thing. His house was messy and the walls were covered in Disney posters - his roommate's doing. I didn't meet her though. I met his cat which is cute, looks ruffed up a bit. His living room is messy with a couch and a bed-like thing that is covered in junk, next to some shelves of alcohol. His room is kind of bare except for maps of cool hikes he did and a dagger he got form Russia. We looked at his bookshelf for a while, which had all these philosophy books I've never heard of; that was his major in college. Then he told me a funny bible story about Samson or Simpson...something like that. But anyways we left.
It was kind of surprising because when we got to my house we actually talked for a long while and it wasn't that talking where he is talking and I just want to have sex and am nodding. I actually talked and wanted to talk. Then we check out the music and exchanged it. I got some cool new stuff from him - it surprised me some of the stuff that he had. He had The Shins, Cake, Third Eye Blind, Saving Ferris, Cat Stevens and some pop stars. I made some spaghetti, but I felt bad because it was just in tomato sauce with no nothing. He kept asking me if I was hungry because he had picked me up from work so obviously I hadn't had dinner yet, but truthfully I wasn't hungry. Ever since I started seeing him I have been hardly eating. I'm not trying to starve myself but it is like I am just not hungry.

Then we sat on my bed and he stretched out and looked very handsome laying on his side with his hand behind his head and I just sat cross legged talking to him and trying to decide if it would be okay to kiss him. We were talking about man-ly sports and then we paused and I realized he was just waiting for me to kiss him so I leaned in quick and kissed him softly, pulling him towards me. He is kinda intoxicating. I love the smell of him and i love that I love the smell of him because it is so honest; like you can't fake or be fooled into liking someone's smell.
He rolled on top of me and we kissed and I had my arms around him. I like feeling his arms and his shoulders, they just feel so strong and broad against me. We sat up and I took off my top shirt. Underneath I had a pink tank top with hearts on it, which is tight on my chest. We kissed with me on his lap facing him, his legs off the side of my bed. I kept running my hands across his chest and back and then he took his grey shirt off and pressed against me. I stood up to take of my pants, partly so he could see I picked panties that matched my shirt. But the shirt didn't last long. He was reaching around and grabbing my tush and off came the bra too. Then he did a ultra sexy thing where he stood up, holding me to him and laid me down so he was on top of me. Off with his pants. Off with my panties.
I could just sit here and ramble about how sexy he is, but I don't want to bore you. His hair is short but long enough for me to run my hands through and he has a little bit of hair on his chest and then below his navel. Last time I called the shots so it was his turn to direct things. He brought me on top of him, sitting up like we were when we were kissing. Normally I would have my shins resting on the bed but he had me wrap my legs around him. In some ways it was harder to do because I couldn't really use my legs but it also stimulated a completely different spot. It felt so intimate and romantic with him holding me and we could kiss and it was lovely. Then he picked me up and rolled over so I was on my back and he was on top of me, with my legs still wrapped around him. I grabbed him and pulled him against me.
The sex was great not because he hit that spot or did this move, but it just felt so intimate and like we were feeling the same thing. Though what he did felt good too. He finished in that position and I reached up and hugged him tight, which I felt silly for doing afterwards but it was just my natural reaction. He laid next to me and we both just looked at each other, smiling and breathing.
It was cold so we got under the blankets after a while. Then I got the giggles. Like I seriously could not stop laughing. I can't even remember what started it. I tried to take a big breath and breathe out but it just made me laugh more. and I was kind of embaressed. When I stopped laughing I said something like "well, I don't want to sound dirty" and he was like "we just had sex, it's ok if you sound dirty." But it is hard to explain that I can have sex with him but still not feel comfortable with him yet - for example, I sometimes like to talk dirty during sex but I am just too shy to do it with Scott yet. Who knows what he would think of me? I'm also kind of feeling like that is going to make the whole O thing much harder for me. I just can't do it with someone watching me unless I feel super comfortable with them.
We were both sleepy, him more than me. He realized he had an early shift int he morning so he kind of drifted to sleep while I ran my hands up and down his chest, his abs, his arms. He laid behind me and held me to him as we went to sleep. In the morning I woke up first and tried to sneak out of bed to go to the bathroom but when I came back he was awake. He had to make a dash for my bathroom because my house is like this: I have a studio type room with a kitchenette in it, and the laundry room connects my room to the bigger house that my family lives in. The laundry room has the bathroom in it. So my mom and the kids were up and running around screaming. He slipped out naked but came back in a towel to be safe.
We were laying in bed and he was being sleepy again but I was awake and running my hands over him, my hands that never rest. My mom knocked on the door.
"SKY! You awake? I never you to babysit in 20 minutes! OK?!"
"OK!" I yelled back.
Scott laughed a little with me. "So she has no idea I sleep over, does she?"
"No, not at all. The other day I told her your apartment is really cold and she said you can come sleep on our couch."
He laughed, "well, to be honest I don't think I'm going to take her up on that offer."
My mom also said something the other day to my sister, she said something like "Sky doesn't think I know that she is up ALL NIGHT talking to her new boyfriend."
I just find this ridiculously funny.

It's odd. I won't see Scott until Wednesday night, which seems like forever. But since he comes at night and stays over I technically don't go a day without seeing him. But we don't really talk in between so I miss him. Oh how silly I feel sometimes. The whole dating-like/love thing is so risky - you never know how the other person really feels about you, what will make them like you more or less, which is ok to tell them or to do with them and what will put them off of you. How far is too far, how close is too close? The more I like him the more worried I am that I'll get my heart broken. But he seems so nice, I can't imagine him breaking my heart. Ho hum.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

What am I doing here?

SO it is Sunday evening and I am siting on my armchair with my legs draped over the side, thinking about my laundry and refilling the ink in my good pen. But mostly I am wondering where my emotions have gone off to.

If I had to guess two days ago, I would say that today I would not be able to stop thinking about the new guy I am dating and I would be all fluttery and lovely. But mostly I am thinking about having sex, and not necessarily with Scott. The thing is that I would never cheat, and I know I won't. And I have never got the urge to cheat ever ever. Never crossed my mind before. But walking around yesterday I just thought, damn I would really like to fuck someone right now. And when I found myself thinking about Dick and a guy named Kenny (craigslist guy who I never called back) and the many other guys that were possibilities - people who would want to be in my bed. But why would I want them in my bed when I have found someone better than them? Where are my flutters and love-y feelings? Where are my emotions and what am I doing here? The Answer: This is how my mind seems to work when I feel rejected.


I think it has something to do with yesterday. We were both tired on Friday night so he came over, we made out and snuggled and what not and he meet the crazies that live with me. Then I gave him a hand job and we went to sleep. In the morning I woke to kisses and oral. Nice way to wake up but I wasn't really awake and so I think much of his effort was going unappreciated. Then I suggested sex. And I suggested that we do it twice and each have a turn of like directing it - getting exactly what we want with little consideration for our partner.
"What do you want me to do?" He asked as got a condom.
My style of sex is much different that what we did before. I like girl on bottom stuff the best. First missionary, then I looked for something that I could lay on so he could stand up and do it that way but the counter was too tall and the bed too short, so then I got a bunch of pillows to get me a bit higher and he was on his knees on the bed. I ended up sliding to the side which made him hit this great spot. Pretty much everything I said was deeper, harder or faster. I'm just that kind of girl I guess.

But anyways after that we talked and laid in bed for a bit. The whole time I'm feeling more awake and more horny, and wondering if it would be rude of me to ask him to stop talking and just make out with me or do me again or something. When we talk I let my hands roam randomly across him. I kiss him a little bit and he perks up and says "So, What do you want to do for breakfast? I'm starved."
Ugghhhh. I am not really hungry. If you keep track of it this is the third night in a row I've had him in my bed, and I haven't any Orgasms (unless you count the one I gave myself in the shower, thank god for those massaging shower heads). So I am feeling a bit ignored. He mentions food like two more times but I just keep kissing him. I think he gets the idea and his hands go south. For one, I hate this because he obviously would rather be eating and it's like I have to beg him for it. But whatever; we are just starting so he doesn't know me yet and whatever I try not to think about it.

But he has his fingers down there for like a minute and then he asks for directions. I kinda show him what I do but his hands arn't the same as mine so it feels different and he is not hitting the right spots. It is really frustrating. The more that I try to explain the further off he gets and I am kinda shy about explaining stuff anyways. So I am getting completely embarrassed and frustrated and this is so stupid. Here is this great sexy guy that I just had good sex with and he wants me to give him instructions or something. He stops and suggests a vibrator. I get one out and then I realize he is suggesting I do it myself. Lammmeee. I can do it by myself when he isn't here. And I am suddenly very very very embarrassed. My body is being all difficult when he was so easy. But I can't really say 'oh never mind' at this point because then he'll wonder why and I am not good at talking. So I try to masturbate with my vibrator with him right next to me. And I can't do anything with him looking at me. So I ask him to kiss me.
"I feel weird when you watch me."
"Maybe it would help if I did it too." He says and reaches over for some lube.
So now we are both masturbating.
I want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I have found guys touching themselves to be a turn on but this is just making me feel worse. I just want it to be over and my cheeks are flushed but not with pleasure. So I tell him to not stop kissing me and I hit the spots that I hit for a quick fix and I have the quickest little orgasm that ever was. I don't even know if he noticed. I stopped and when he looked at me with a raised eyebrow I said "I'm less dramatic than you." Vibrator off.
He finsihed himself off and we got dressed and went out to breakfast. He said he wanted to get some stuff done so he would be going home after breakfast.

We went to this cafe that is popular with the college kids and I would feel weird in there on a normal day. But I felt really awkward with him and then the place and I couldn't put my finger on what was making me feel all weird. Sometimes I don't make connections until I write it down. It was nice enough but I wish he would have just left me at home and I could of had breakfast at my own house where I felt comfortable. On one hand I was glad he was leaving so that I could sort through the wave of weird feelings I was having and so he could go do his own thing and not be sick of me. But on the other hand I was worried he was sick of me.
So I made this play list of some sad songs and some songs that were just slow and I listened and chilled. He was on the Internet and I didn't want to talk to him so I got off. When I get upset I want to run. Literally just exert myself and feel wind on my face. So I got the dog and went for a walk in the rainy cold night. I didn't even realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast until I was getting in bed. So I grabbed a can of corn and went to sleep. And still I couldn't tell you why I was feeling so weird. It was like the funk was creeping in. I can't talk about emotions because I can't see them until I lay them out in front of me, which is why I started keeping a journal in the first place.

So now looking at it I just feel like I don't count as much. Like I always have to put my pleasure on the side. And also like I am going to be too sexual for him, like I will always be wanting more. I don't like being rejected, it just makes me feel abandoned and lonely. I am mostly hoping for these feelings to just vanish. I know, I have great skills for dealing with my feelings. I posted on facebook that I was going for a walk around 9 at night; I was kinda fishing for someone to be worried. An old friend replied and I clicked to see what she was up to. Shock. There on her wall was a comment from the guy we had both been friends with, the one who raped me. And I couldn't help it. I clicked on him. His info was private so I couldn't see where he lived. Instead I looked at his pictures. His life goes on. His hair is getting long. I don't know why I do this to myself, like as punishment or something? What am I doing here looking at his pictures?
So today I mostly walked around in a daze and did nothing productive, just sitting around. As soon as I go on the computer Scott IMs me. He hasn't been doing much, just working out and cooking and stuff. He is getting ready to go to work. I am helping Cristina with her math homework. I don't know what to say to him. I have a feeling he has no idea how I feel. Because I can't even figure out what I feel half the time. I don't know why I feel so weird all of a sudden. Just super awkward and worthless. Sometimes I feel so normal, but now I feel funkatized. I have been kinda happy lately, what am I doing back here?


[edit] I kinda worked out my feelings as I wrote this and as I updated stuff from my Europe trip. Then I starred at man candy for over an hour and I feel much better. It's like the logical part of my brain goes "I don't think you were being rejected and you are way over reacting" and then my emotional brain goes "I can't help that I over react, it bothered me and I just want to feel better, someone fuck me". I wonder what Scott will think if he ever reads this (not that I'm giving him the link but he knows I have a blog and it wouldn't be that hard for him to find).

Friday, December 11, 2009

Bed Head

My hair is all messed up, mostly out of the pony tail I went to bed with. But I feel lovely. I haven't got out of bed, I am just laying here wishing it was much later, say, after work.

So Scott came over after his work last night, which put him here some time after midnight. I tried to nap a little before he got here but I failed. It was nice having him over again. Half of me wanted to talk and half of me wanted to jump his bone right away. But he laid on the bed with me fully clothed and we talked about our day and how tired we were. I ran my fingers over his hands while we talked. His palms have all these lines and his hands are rough without being coarse. I like his shoulders and arms and the little patch of hair on his chest.

Last night/this morning was we had sex for the first time. My period was close enough to being over that I just said what the heck (now I have to wash my sheet though). It was also really interesting because he is unlike all the other guys I have been with. He puts a lot of time into good fore play, and he is really into kissing during sex. Well, I should back up.

When he took off my underwear he just stared at my lady parts. I felt more naked than naked. We had a vagina monologue moment and he was like "you have a beautiful vagina". He gives me compliments all the time and I really don't know what to say back. I should compliment him more but I just don't like to say everything with words. Compliments make me feel exposed. But anyways then he started fingering me and immediately went to my G spot. Which surprised the heck out of me. No guy has ever found it before, and heck it took me a while to find it. And also every guy who has ever tried fingering me was just horrible at it, and I figured no guys could do it right. But the problem with the G spot is it makes you feel like you have to pee so I had him stop that.

So we talked about sexual experience. He has only been with one girl. ONE GIRL. like oh gee g geez. I really hope he isn't still hung up on her. He doesn't act like it but I don't know. I actually laughed when he told me, like holy shit. And even crazier he didn't seem at all phased that my number was so much higher than his.

So I told him my number (with him, 11) and admitted that I figured he had less partners then me but I had wrongly assumed he would not be showing me anything new. But it was like everything he did was new. The way he thinks about sex is new. He just seems more into the moment and isn't rushing to orgasm. He actually said he doesn't "hit it and quit it". It feels like even though I have had more partners he has more sexual experience. Which is going to be fun. We also talked about what we're into, and man I felt vanilla. He included spanking, the lady wearing a strap on and a vibrating butt plug. Spanking ok, but I don't think I would want to do the strap on thing. I prefer the parts I actually have. Like the only thing you can do is shove it in his butt and I just don't think I'm down. Butt plug seems really weird too. I don't like anal sex, which he said can be good if he's in the right mood, but I like pressure on the outside. So maybe I'd try it but I think he can keep that toy to himself.
But we both seemed to think vanilla sex, rough sex and bondage are fun. And I mentioned wrestling. It has always been one of my favorite things to do; I just like feeling a man's strength and feeling him hard against me. And it requires some skill to pin a lady down and get it in while she is trying to pin you down and just torture you.

The closest I've come to having an orgasm during sex is masturbating and then having a dude stick it in right as I'm cumming. But it just felt like being interrupted while masturbating. But that was in high school, and since then I have explored by myself. Vibrators are useful for that. And I have had the big O from just a vibrator with no outside stimulation so I am thinking I can have it from just sex too. I think Scott might be the one to figure it out. But either way he said he likes to give oral, which is bomb. I haven't had a guy make me cum since 2005. Pretty much five years ago.

I'm a little worried that I'll bore him in bed since I am not into like butt plugs or whatever. He seems to really like me though, and I really like him. He fell asleep some time after five and I curled up with him and we woke to his alarm at like eight. So hard to wake up, but not hard to get him hard. Such a nice way to wake up but we are both so tired. Yet I can't sleep. I want him to think about me all day. He said he hoped I wouldn't get sick of him, which is funny because I was hoping he wouldn't get sick of me . I swear he can read my mind sometimes. He is picking me up from work tonight.
"and maybe we can do something out of the bedroom" he said.
"Out of the bedroom?" I teased.
I really like to actually hang out with him, it's just that we are in this new exciting part and I just can't help myself - my hands are always roaming across his body and feeling all of it. I have no idea what we'll do tonight though. He also mentioned we can go to his place, but he has a gal roommate. And I'm thinking if we come straight here from my work he can actually meet my family (but I didn't say that). I mean it wouldn't be on the top of my list but I do live with them. I asked if he was my boyfriend now and he said yes. Kind of awkward question to ask someone while you are naked and they are leaving. I already updated my Facebook, *yay*.
I have a feeling this is going to be serious and that scares me a little. But my head is filled with him and that makes me not afraid, it makes me just really happy. and hopeful.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

First Date with Scott (a very long date)

I am so tired I am falling asleep writing this post.

So Scott picked me up from work and he was being very charming, opening doors and all that jazz. I forgot how tall he is. He had this old white car and we drove to an Italian restaurant in downtown Santa Rosa and it was very nice. The waiter had to come back like four times before we ordered because we kept talking and not looking at the menu. To be honest I was so freaking' nervous. My lips were chapped and I had bad cramps from my period. I was kind of wringing my hands under the table. I didn't know what to say and sometimes he would look at me and I would just have to look down. Even with how shy I was feeling the conversation went well and didn't feel forced. One of the girls I sometimes work with sat at the table right next to us but neither of us said anything. He paid and asked me where I wanted to go - we had both talked about liking tea and I told him I could beat him at Rummy (a card game) so he had brought cards but it was way too cold to be play in a park or anything. So I invited him to my house.

I wasn't sure what to do once we got to my house. When I am nervous in my house I just fiddle with this and that, and that's what I did. I showed him my house (the family was asleep) and I even showed him the inside of my piano - obviously I didn't know what to do with myself. But I took out the cards and we played Rummy. I killed him the first hand and then it he was winning each hand until the end where I went all out, I won by 30 points (very close). I think I psyched him into thinking I was much better than I am. I asked him what he was doing for the holidays and he said he didn't know, he had planned to spend it was his ex's family but he had broke up with her around August; they had been dating two and a half years and lived together for a year. I didn't really know what to do with that; I just hope he is over her and I'm not a rebound.

We had a pot of tea between us and were very awake. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he was just enjoying my company. So we talked and stuff and at some point he was on the couch and I was too and I saw him shivering. Like not just a little, like a lot.
"Oh my god, you are shivering!"
"Yeah...I'm a little cold."
"Do you want a blanket? I can give you a blanket."
"Yeah."
So I grabbed my green blanket and threw it at him and he was still shivering - it was crazy, like his whole body was shaking. And then I just sat next to him and took his hands in mine to warm him up, and it was a natural thing to do but then there was silence between us and I realized what I had done - we hadn't touched before.
"Your hands are cold." he said.
"Yeah...I'm warm but when I...well I don't know."
"Bad circulation I guess."
"No, that's not why I mean I know why, it's just...my hands get cold when I am nervous. Like yesterday I was trying to record myself on the piano and being recorded makes me nervous so my hands were cold and I couldn't play very well. Sometimes when I am really nervous I giggle. People used to get so mad at me when I did it during musical theater; we would be backstage, about to start and I wouldn't be able to stop giggling."
I still had his hands in mine. There was this warm ache in my chest. I just wanted to be close to him. I got under the covers and he put his arm around me and I leaned into him and it seemed so natural even though I was so nervous and he was talking and I was trying to see his face when he talked but i just wanted to lay my head on his shoulder. And we sat with a little bit of silence and he said something about it being late. He also said that after I left the party he stayed up until morning with a bunch of guys playing cards in a tent (I was worried he had spent it with half naked chick). And I was afraid of all sorts of things. Like him deciding he didn't like me that much, of him not trying to or maybe not wanting to kiss me, maybe I got too close to him too fast, maybe a million things. I had to get up and when I came back we didn't slip back into sitting together and instead I faced him on the couch. We talked a little more and I don't even remember what he was talking about because I was thinking and after a pause he asked "Would you mind if I kissed you right now?"
"uh...no." and we both leaned in and kissed.
His lips were very full and soft and then we were making out. Sometimes when he kissed me it was perfect but I think a lot of it was figuring out each other. Sometimes he would do this thing that I don't like where he would leave his mouth wide open on mine and we would breathe into each other and move our tongues but not our lips. He had a little stubble which is cute but it scratched my chin.

Then we really got into it and were just making out and my hands went under his shirt and I was sitting on top of him and sometimes we would stop kissing and just look at each other and I would touch his face. His eyes are like a hazel brown but he doesn't open them very wide so it's hard to tell. It was getting much later an I was wondering if he was going to leave any minute.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"How long will you stay?"
"How long do you want me to stay?"
"How long can you stay?"
"I don't need to be anywhere until 9am tomorrow." and we started kissing again.
A little bit later I had all these thoughts. I don't want him to go but will he think I'm a slut or something if I do stuff with him on the first date? We haven't even known each other for a week, I should probably stop. But the kissing makes my brain not work properly. Will he leave if I don't have sex with him? How serious does he want this relationship to be? I kinda want our first time to be special or at least awesome - I'm on m period and my legs arn't shaved and I shouldn't sleep wit him on the first date, that's just not very classy. I can't believe he likes me.
He started talking between kisses. It's like he can read my mind.
"I don't want you to feel" *kiss* "pressured" *kiss*
"What?" *kiss*
"Don't feel pressured" *kiss* "we don't have to have sex or anything" *kiss* " I mean I would like to get you naked and do stuff" *kiss*kiss*kiss* "But I'll stay" *kiss* "we don't have to do anything" *kiss* "because I like you."
HOLY MOLY.
he continued. "and I want to get to know you more" *kiss* "you are really attractive" *kiss*

I stopped. "wait" I rolled to the side. "I can't think like that, you make my head all cloudy."
He laughed "ok."
"I want to mess around" I said, "but I'm on my period so nothing's going to happen with this" *waving hands over my lady parts*
"That's reasonable."
"and I have to ask...when is the last time you were tested?" Immediately I feel weird about asking. "sorry"
"No, it's good to ask. It's been a while but I'm in the clear unless my ex cheated on me but I don't think she did. So I'm good to go. And I'm guessing since you asked that you have been tested."
"yeah, I'm good."
He leaned in and kissed me again, drawing me closer. "So, I make your head cloudy?" He smiled.

We basically fooled around all night. We got naked (except my undies, the ones with the peace sign on the butt) and it got cold so we got under the covers in my bed. We were both really tired but didn't want to sleep. We had stayed up to 4am the night before and he said he was so excited about seeing me he couldn't sleep and got up at 7:30 (just like me). I think I was half asleep at some point because I remember dreaming and then feeling him kiss me. I started to give him a blow job, and he's average size except the head is kinda big and when he got close it would just get a little bigger and a little firmer and it was hard to do properly when it got bigger and firmer. I ended up not finishing him off and we just went back to messing around. But late at night (or early this morning?) he started kissing my nipples which was making me really want to have sex with him so I decided if he was going to torture me I would do it back. So I started rubbing his penis and holy moly he is sensitive after all that making out. He was squirming all over the place. It was awesome. He kinda suggested I get some lube and do it more. I hadn't given a hand job since I was 15. It was so much fun this time though. It was fun to watch. He got to see my naughty box when I got the lube out. I went slow and then fast to draw it out and he was moving all over the place and he sat up and grabbed me tightly and started kissing me and it was so hot. The lights were off and I didn't have my glasses on and he came and he was moving so much it went everywhere. I got a hand towel to clean it up and when I touched his penis he kind of jumped and I said sorry and he was like "it's fine, I'm just sensitive right now. You don't have to be sorry." I was saying sorry alot, like sorry for my hair getting in the way (it's long now, almost to my butt). So I told him the truth, I say sorry when I am unsure what to do.
I actually mentioned the blog at some point. When we talked on-line I had given him a link to my lastfm page so he could see what music I like, and then I suddenly realized it has a link to this blog on it and I had already posted about meeting him. He had said something about his hands being bigger than mine like three time so I thought he might have read the blog and how I am about hands but he said he hadn't. I'm not sure if I should give him the permission to read it or not. I mean it is public. He asked if the blog is public secrets but I said no, it's just honest.
We started hearing my brothers get up. I have no working clocks in my room but I later found out it was 6am. I think I drifted off a little but I never wanted to stop touching him and kissing him. It just felt so right. I just trusted him when I haven't trusted a man in a long time. He just seems like such a nice guy.
He said something about how he used to volunteer with a sexual assault awareness group and I froze up. Suddenly I realized I would have to tell him about the rape sooner or later. And then I just forced myself to get it over with. I felt so ashamed. I didn't want him to think I'm broken or dirty. But I figured what if I told him later and he walked out? Might as well tell him now. I was laying in his arms and I told him. I said it was my best friend, Jason, and he had been trying to get me to try oxy for months and I gave in and I think it was April 2006 and I couldn't move and Pat just left the room and all my friends just told me to get over it or they tried to ignore it. And I told him that I had a hard summer last year because PJ died and Jason touched my shoulder at the funeral and I had lost so many friends and I never reported it. And then I said something I didn't realize until I said it - I hadn't dated since then. And I told him that I was sorry to be all depressing or whatever but I knew I would have to tell him sooner or later and he brought up the subject so ...yeah.
I didn't know what he would say and I can't remember the exact words but he was basically sorry it had happened to me and said I should talk to a counselor or something because sometimes these things come up in unexpected ways and he just held me which was the most helpful of all. I told him I didn't want to see a counselor and I talked to God about it and that helped. And we didn't talk for a bit and when I am scared or really nervous I trace circles and figure eights and I did that to his arm and he did it to mine. Then I asked if he thought worse of me and he said no. He said he wanted to be with me for a while and he said lots of other perfect things and I was relieved because I was worried that he didn't plan on being with me for long. I had a little thought that panicked me - could I leave him for the Peace Corps? But then I reminded myself to take one day at a time. And after a while that conversation disappeared into the arriving morning.

It felt like a perfect dream and I never wanted to leave his arms and we kept kissing each other and running our hands everywhere. I have never been able to sleep or spoon comfortably with a person but I just fit in his arms and it felt all too good - he knew all the bad parts of me, my crazy family and how I'm a little damaged. And he still liked me. And he could talk and was saying all the right things and he feels so great. I like him way more than I've liked anyone and we have barley started. It is kinda scary and part of me is worried that I'm going to be more into him than he will be into me but somehow I think not. For my sign the best match is a Cancer - which he is. Just everything I would want in a man he is. He likes to cook, he likes hiking and the outdoors, he likes music, he is really smart, he is funny and easy going, He understands having a crazy drug addict mom, he likes to travel. Aw geez. It almost seems too good. But my mom admitted to praying for me to find a good boyfriend and she usually gets her prayers to the max.
I must have dozed off because his alarm made me jump. I rolled over and held him and kissed him and he said nice things. He waited until the last minute to get out of bed and before he did he promised to hang out again on Friday. Then when he was leaving he said he would drop by after work today (he gets off at 11pm). Putting on his coat he said he was supposed to go rock climbing Saturday morning but if it was rainy he would come here to see me before he had to work. I stood on my tip toes and kissed him as he left.
I was happy and sleepy all morning and napped a bit and then went to work, which was great today. I've been wondering if I should change my Facebook status from single or if that's too presumptuous. I haven't had a boyfriend since Jan. 2006, which he knows. I'm a little worried about my "number" and what he will think of it, and what his number is. It is like the only bad thing he doesn't know about me (I even mentioned my OCD). I have really bad cramps again (I have had them all day). I wish my period would end! I'm typing this trying to stay awake, I started nodding off at 8. I want to be awake when he gets off, I hope he really comes. I think he will. I think he wants to spend the night again because he told me he would come over but would need to "actually sleep". I hope he does.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Facebook Saves the Day

So the day after the mountain party I woke up and went on my computer. I went on Facebook. Scott had already added me, which is kinda amazing because it was only like 11am and I had left at 4am and I didn't give him my last name. But yay. Ball in my court but still - should I comment on his page, text him, do nothing? I went for nothing.

Later that night I was on the computer again and Andon (the dancing guy) messaged me through Facebook. It always surprises me because I forget about Facebook chat. But we talk and have all this stuff in common. Turns out we were both at the Outlands music festival in August, and we like a lot of the same music. He just seemed more and more rad the more I talked to him. And he writes songs too and plays guitar and suggested we jam sometime. Then he said something odd, "I really like you." and then like 10 minutes later he said something like "You are really cool". And of course my mind can't deal with men so I'm like uh, does he like me or like like me? He's cool but didn't seem like the type of guy who would go for me. Very music hipster, but not snobby, just vintage-ish dress. But anyways I was talking to him and I noticed Scott was on-line so I started talking to him too. He seems really cool. We talked about this and that but he seemed distracted so I figured he wasn't interested in talking to me and was replying out of politeness. So I stopped messaging to see if he would message me and he didn't so I dropped it which was kind of disapointing. So I got off the computer and that was that.

Then yesterday I was hoping that one of those guys would talk to me again because maybe something would happen with one of them. So I left my computer on the Facebook page and went about my business - I was trying to record some songs on the piano using my computer. Then Scott messaged me. We talked and we ended up talking from like 9ish to 4am. Around 3am he suggested we 'hang out' the next day, but when I asked what he wanted to do and stuff it started sounding like a date - going out for dinner after work, he would pick me up. Of course I was super excited. I wanted to go to bed at like 10 but kept talking all night because I liked him.

So then this morning I woke up at like 7:30am because I was so excited about seeing him later. My mom suggested I go get a new outfit or something. So I went to Goodwill and Target but it was hard to find anything that was warm, cute and work appropriate. I ended up getting a long sleeve blue shirt and a purple tank top - just basics I needed anyways. My mom forgot to tell me we were leaving an hour early (she gives me rides to work) so I didn't even have time to shower (or shave) - but I did clean my room incase we came back to it.

Scott said that Facebook saved the day because he didn't have my number and I never called him - if it wasn't for Facebook we wouldn't be going on a date. It's also funny because I was randomly invited to the party where we met through Facebook. Huh.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Party on the Mountain

So this guy Jax invited me to his party on the Mountain. I don't really know him well but I always got good vibes from him. He had a class or two with me my senior year at college. I used to stare at his hands. He wasn't really cute, had an ok body, but he had really nice hands and I liked the way he moved them. What is it with me and hands? He is one of those people that when they talk to you it makes it feel like you are the only person in their world. It isn't romantic though, just like this deep caring - I found out he is a cancer, there you go. He is graduating and so got a keg and invited everyone he knew.

So he tries to find a carpool I can join but most have filled up by the time I ask. I try and get Be but she is working and so I ask Crissy and she is out of her mind. She says she has to stay home and study. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! god damn her she has school for only two days a week and she chooses Friday night to study? So I was really annoyed. But there was the beast - aka my dad's suburban that they use to transport the masses of children they have. So I drove that, which sucked. But I really wanted to get out - how often to I get invited to a party?

I pulled up on a dark mountain road and walked towards a lit up garage. I could hear people. I walked through a gate and there was a small crowd and a keg and around turns Jax. He was wearing an alpaca sweater and a beanie. He showed me the tour - first is dance world (the living room with a computer blasting music and some black lights) then there was food world (the kitchen) and then jam world, a room filled with instruments and a really nice sound system. There was all sorts of people jamming all night. There was also an outside deck and somewhere there was a hot tub but I never saw it. By the keg there was a fire pit and people sitting around it.

So I spent most the time by the music, duh. I didn't know anyone. This guy sat next to me, his name is Scott. He was cute, had a nice nose and smile. After a bit a whole brass band came in and I wanted to dance but I was too shy and then Scott and some other people jumped up and danced and then I just sat wishing I had jumped up too. I closed my eyes and listened, it was beautiful. Like a musical orgasm.

So I floated from the brass band that moved outside to the band inside. I danced with this guy wearing the most awesome classic like indie nerdy look, the glasses and hat and curly black hair. He danced and we kicked out legs at the same time like I did when skankin' to ska music. His name was Andon.

At one point there was this crazy jam and it was past midnight and I was the only one sitting listening to this great music. And suddenly here comes Jackson and another guy and they are buck naked. Running through the house. They pause right in front of me and dance to the music. Then run back to the hot tub. This guy sat next to me and we talked and he was super drunk. He kept telling me how much he hated his girlfriend, who would walk by every once and a while. It was weird. There was a freaky girl singer but i had no one to talk to so I listened. Then they tried to rap and I offered my gravy train rap but the drummer couldn't get the beat right so i kind of mumbled something and left the mic embarrassed.

I went to the fire and had a long discussion about perception and how people judge by appearances with this guy who was really nice. Then Scott showed up in a robe and started a hookah for everyone. And I talked to a green haired guy who ended up being a pagan who is also fond of XKCD (the web comic). Scott sat next to me and we had this amazing conversation and we had alot in common.

Turns out his mom was a crazy drug addict like mine and he gave me his number. I was trying to figure out if he wanted to be friends because he would be an awesome friend or if he was interested in being more than friends cuz he is cute. The crowd kept getting silent as soon as I said thing like "my mom had a poo fight with our neighbor once". Pretty silly. There was this girl who I'm guessing had been in the hot tub at some point and she had a robe on but it wasn't closed and she had a black bra and a mini skirt. The only thing I heard her say in the like two hours I was at the fire was "if anyone needs a place to sleep I'll share my bed..." and Scott jumped at that. Go figure, half naked chicks always win. At like 4 in the morning this girl (pre op becoming a girl actually) wanted a ride home so I did because I know people have given me rides home but I wanted to stay. When I got home I remember thinking, will I call Scott? What do I do with his number now? I can't believe I almost didn't go to this party, and how random I was invited because don't even know Jax that well.

And then right before I went to sleep I thought, I never really looked at Scott's hands, I wonder what his hands look like....

Fin?

Fin?