Sunday, February 28, 2010


One of the reasons I started this blog is to write about my crazy life, except that in writing this blog I have left out a giant part of my life - my family. So I'm going to start posting little tid bits, young memories that kind of build upon each other like stones in a fence around me.

The day we got the piano was not very special. I didn't know anything about it until my father pushed it through the door, with some help from the neighbors. There was no where to put it, so they put it in the kitchen. This was before we remodeled, so the kitchen was dark with yellowish tiles and dark brown cupboards, and a greying pink paint covering the walls like a sunburn poorly hidden. The fridge purred next to the piano and the guys wiped the sweat from their brows, hands on their hips starring at it. No one knew how to play it.

My mom got it from this meth head lesbians who had painted it white. I think it was payment for some drugs, but I'm not sure. Inside was a lovely rich brown wood with a glossy finish. The keys were made of real ivory but some of them had been peeled off, the glue still stuck on the wood on some keys. I studied each key and imagined they were portraits of men with interesting faces. The bench that we had was broken and didn't match the piano at all, but it was a bench. I itched to touch all the keys, but I was too afraid. I didn't want to make noise, I wanted to make music. My parents used the piano as a place to pile paperwork and things. It was kept closed with stuff all over it; most people didn't even realize it was a piano, they thought it was a desk or something.

I begged for lessons but my parents said no. My sister had gotten a flute for band and bailed on it after two weeks - they weren't doing that again. So I didn't get in band either, which I was bummed about. Then grandma gave us girls all tiny pianos, about 12 white keys and each key was smaller than my finger. But the keys lit up and played 10 songs. I memorized the songs and cleared off the table one day, putting the little keyboard up like a music book. I learned ode to Joy when no one was home. I played it over and over. I didn't even hear my mom come in.

She came into the kitchen with a baseball bat held back, her face a mix of fear and rage.
"Holy Jesus, Sky. Give me a heart attack."
I looked at her silently, hands still suspended over the keys.
"I thought someone broke in!" She said, throwing her hands to each side, like "duh". "I thought they must of broke in and were playing the piano, I mean no one knows how to play the piano. Were you playing the piano?"
"Ode to Joy."
"Where'd you learn that?"
"The little keyboard plays it, and I just matched it to the big piano."
She looked worried.

I would get lessons a year and a half after this, my dad thumbing through the yellow pages and calling everyone on the music store's list with his nervous fake professional voice "Hello sir, good day. I was wondering if I could inquire about piano lessons for my daughter.... Ah yes, thank you for your time, we will call you again if we are indeed interested in obtaining a lesson from your organization."
I was nervously sending my father loving thoughts as he did this. I was watching him from around the corner, my hands clenched tightly around the sleeves of my sweater.

My piano teacher lived on the outside of town past the cemetery and the Christmas tree farm. Her house was unremarkable, surrounded mostly by fields. She showed me her back garden once, and that was beautiful. It had a little pond and a platform with two chairs facing the fields, she said they called it the field room. There was a hammock hanging under some berry bushes and raised vegetable beds amidst a wildflower garden. She was tall and slim with long thick grey hair, and little laugh lines around her eyes. One look at her and you'd think, new age hippy for sure. Which pegged her. She talked like a therapist, always said I couldn't sue the word "can't", so I would say "I think I am not able to at this time" instead, which made her smile and give a disapproving look. I would actually end up confiding a lot into her, sometimes we would waste a third of the lesson talking. I still am in touch with her. I quit taking lessons when I graduated high school, I figured it was too expensive anyways.

My mom always hated the noise. She would say "if only you wouldn't play the same song over and over", "But I have to practice songs over and over to get them right", "well you asked! Why do you have to play right now?"
My dad would listen to the radio in the car and turn to me, pinching above my knee which made me jump. "Why arn't you playing like this by now?" He would smile and pretend to play the piano to some blues song.

I like playing at night when no one is listening, no one is around.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

The Past Two Weeks

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

When I Lost my Glasses

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.

Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

Saturday, February 6, 2010

I'm going soft on you

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?



I'm not sure what to say because everything kinda weird right now. I'm in limbo with all these people.

There is one dude I haven't decided if I want to meet or not from cl, then there is Heavy - I told him I haven't decided if it is a good idea to fuck him or not. He is being very chill about it. Then there is Andon, who I haven't talked to much but his girlfriend moves away tomorrow - which means he will be single. I like him the most. Which I think is obvious by now. Coop is also around, turns out he has moved back here. But I'm not sure if he gets that I would be down to be like friends with benefits with him, but at the same time I don't want to be too obvious about it incase he gets weireded out. Then at the same time not much to lose, it isn't like we hang out a lot. And another girl and I were connecting through CL until she realized we had gone to High School together, which I think freaked her out. Which is lame because she was pretty cute and I don't even remember her from back then. I wonder what she remembers about me? I feel like there is someone I am forgetting.

Anyways, my sex life is in Limbo.

I want to go down south and get wasted for v-day. Hopefully that will happen. Otherwise it's going to be depressing.