Haven't posted in forever

I know I haven't posted in forever. There comes a time when you have to live your life and stop trying to record it. That said, I still want to keep up this blog.

Andon and I pretty much live together now. We stay at his house, or my house, but we stay together. We always shower together and eat together. I do all the cooking. Right now it's summer, and since we both have work relating to the school year we both are job-free for the summer.

I've started buying more pot, we smoke pretty much every day. I don't want to say we're stoners though because normally we smoke at night and have dinner, have sex and then watch nature documentaries before falling asleep. We wake up around noon and go on bike rides, play tennis, shoot each other with squirt guns, go swimming, biking, listen to or play music. And lately we've been studying languages a lot. We do spanish flashcards when we smoke.

Everything is super great. We are so in love and we have sex all the time, and it's always good and sometimes great. We have some issues but we talk about it when we need to and I get emotional and cry and then we have sex. It's kind of like that. He is perfect for me! I am so happy with him.

We are moving to Davis because he is going to go to UCD in the fall. I'm stressing a bit about finding a job and a room mate. We want these one apartments but we need someone to take the other room. We've been using craigslist for everything, but if you have any other suggestions feel free to comment about them.

When we hang out with people it is mostly his friends because I don't have many. Maria isn't talking to me still, but I try to not think about it. Juliette has moved back but I still don't see her much. And John is in rehab or something again - we haven't talked in months. And an old friend from high school has become my pot dealer so we see her once in a while too.

This is an update kind of thing, but next time I want to post more about the nitty gritty. Like, giving blowjobs and orgasm issues. I wish I updated more because it'd be cool to have a record of me falling in love with him.

humbug mood

I'm in a really humbug mood.

I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.

I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.

But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.

I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.

Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?

But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?


So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.

Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.

I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.

The Past Two Weeks

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

When I Lost my Glasses

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
Splash.
"Fuck!"
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.


Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

What's wrong with me?

Tonight I have been making conclusions, and I have been thinking.

1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.


So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.

John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?

I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.

Up down and all around

I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.

I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.

She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.

It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...

There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.

Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.

Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!

I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.

"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"

We line up.

"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.

The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.

I drove home and it was quiet.

I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.

My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.

No one is Coming

I've been planning this party.

I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.

As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.

Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.

No one is Coming.

And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.

Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.

I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.

edit

I am unconscious.


[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.


But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.

Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.

I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.

We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.

Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.

I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.

"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.

As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.


Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.

The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.

I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.


Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.

Friends?

I drove to my home town Saturday. I need to clear my head.

I go to the coffee shop I like best and play the piano while my tea cools. Then I walk up to canon ball park and drink my tea sitting on the hill, over looking the Boulevard. It's pretty cold out. I decide to call Maria.

She is actually home, I thought she would be working. She tells me to come over but take my time, she is feeling lazy. When I get there she is in the top bunk of her sister's bed watching MTV. She tells me she just stopped going to work like two weeks ago. She puts on socks over her tights and we go out to her garage. I look at her paintings she is working on, her new desk. She turns on a record. We smoke out of a broken pipe because her boyfriend has her regular one. I almost burn my nose. We decide to go to Goodwill (thrift shop). I am feeling really silly and laugh a lot.

When we get there random people show up. It is like the whole gang. Joe is there, Dickaless and Sadie. We agree to meet up later. I am fascinated by a rubix cube I found. I am cold so I buy a weird dress jacket that is blue plaid. Maria and I go to the Mexican restaurant. I eat half of my food and can't finish it. We look up and it looks like porn on TV, but it is the watchman. Dickaless and Sadie show up. They want to drink. We go out.

We stop to smoke some more pot by the train tracks. When we sit down we start talking and we talk about pine trees. I explain how they bring water through themselves, and how they gather water from the fog we have. Which is why the tallest trees in the world are here. But I am high and going all into detail and talking about the water molecules slightly sticking together like pearls on a string and how the sun pulls them out, and in pulling one pulls all the others up - carrying them through the body of the tree. I go on about the whole tree thing for a while. Maria says, "Trees freak me out, man"

I take out my journal and start writing because I think this is all very amusing. Maria wants more people to hang out. She looks at Dickaless and asks "Do we have any other friends?"
"You guys are my friends, I don't have any others." he says.
Sadie agrees.
Maria looks at the ground. "I don't have any friends." after a few moments she quickly adds "except for you guys."
Sadie talks while I write.
Dickaless is sitting on his bike and he turns to me, saying "Dear diary, I'm having so much fun with my new friends!"
We all laugh. He asks if that's what I'm writing. "It is now."
We talk about subconscious dreams. Dickaless wants to remember his. I did stuff to remember my dreams once, and it worked. And I didn't like it so I did stuff to forget. Subconscious dreams freak me out.

We walk to sevey and are outside when all these random people keep showing up. A guy Maria slept with shows up but then leaves. This dickhead that is sometimes cool shows up, his name is K.C. Another guy shows up, cute with glasses. I know him from many times before but I can't remember his name. Chris? Something or other he is buying chaser and says he will come drink with us but doesn't. I get them thirty twos of natty ice. I get one for myself as well. and milk duds. We walk to a nearby school to drink. K.C. suggests I have us a party at my house sometime. I didn't think anyone would come all the way to my place. The thought that they would - This makes me happy.

It all feels so natural, like the old times but better. I feel like I am more accepted as part of the group, like I'm not Maria's friend but their friend. And Maria and I are getting along. We all smoke some more. Joe shows up again. I give away most of my beer, I have to drive later. Maria and I walk back to her house, getting her pipe from her boyfriend on the way. I draw her and listen to the well tempered clavier she has on vinyl. So bomb. It is super foggy when I leave and I am frightened the whole time I am driving home. When I get home I talk on-line to Andon's best friend again. I also decide to have that party and I announce it on facebook. Sleep. It is for the weak. I give in around 3am and have weird dreams that I didn't want to remember.

Elusive

So it was still Yule and I just got dumped.

I have met a lot of people through Maria, but I never got close to any of them - all I needed was one good friend, why waste my efforts on other people who may let me down? But Maria and I were/are in our tiff so I texted someone I met through her - Sadie. She invited me to join the booze train.

I borrowed my mother's car and drove back to my home town, meeting Sadie and her part time lover Dickaless in the breezeway at 7pm sharp. The night was crisp and cool. The wind made me shiver. I always wear a dress on the holidays, so I had my black dress and black leggings with those Ugg boots and a warm dark green coat. A dark rose and charcoal hat topped off the look, my long brown hair falling into curls down my back.

I brought my flask of whiskey and cigarettes, and we each picked up a 32oz beer at the sevey (7/11, a quicky mart). We walked down towards the pipe bridge, but instead of going down by the bushes and the bank we followed the train tracks a little ways and I could hear the hollow sound of a boom box playing. There were the usual suspects, most of them just visiting - back in town for the holidays. There was Alice, who was Maria's new best chick friend; a rather nice skinny white girl who paints creepy things, she had her own set of quirks and emotional issues, much like me. I like Alice. Maria and her boyfriend were there. Joe was laying on the ground, drunk and texting an ex, trying to flirt with Maria and being shut down. She told him she was going to shit on his face. There was another guy whose name always eludes me, I've met him many a time but he goes to college up north now. We shall call him Elusive Guy.

I sat down on a piece of wood. They were finishing off a thirty pack of cheap beer when we arrived, and I passed around the whiskey. I also brought my camera; I hadn't taken pictures of my nights out in a while. A few people complained about the pictures. Joe couldn't remember meeting me before, but said he remembered me from Facebook. He said my updates were interesting. He was really drunk and tried to climb a fence upside down. He kept bumping into me. I started talking to elusive guy and he said he last remembered me from a party over a year ago. He says he is Pagan but not Wiccan. I gave him a cigarette. Joe tried to go home but walked the wrong way. Then he left again, hopefully in the right direction. I told Maria I was glad she wasn't mad at me anymore. She said she was never mad at me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. We all decided to go to a near by Mexican restaurant.

On the walk I talked to the elusive guy some more. Everyone got ahead of us. Somehow we ended up talking about our recent break ups. He had got dumped a few months ago, the girl wanted an open relationship and he said no, and she said "well, I'm fucking someone else." Which was the end of that. I just proclaimed everyone should be straight forward. He agreed. We pieced another cigarette, waiting for the cops to leave the restaurant before we joined our friends inside. I got the feeling he was into me, I decided to play it out.

We went inside. I sat next to Sadie and talked. I really like her. Maria never did in the beginning but I think she is ok with her now. Sadie is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, which i think is cool. She fools around a lot with her words, sometimes harshly. I think she has adopted Maria's strategy of being bitchy so as not to get hurt. Not my style, but I respect it. Elusive guy sat at another table with one of his friends that had joined us, James. Dickaless kept calling me Antlers, which I kinda like. There was talk of getting another thirty pack, but on the way back to sevey we lost Maria and her boyfriend. Then Sadie and Dickaless fell behind.

So James and Elusive and I got a 32oz beer each and walked up to oak hill. This is a legendary park on top of a hill covered in oak trees at the edge of downtown. It was the first place I ever got drunk, back when I was sixteen, actually a week before I was seventeen but whatever. I needed a place to crash since I couldn't drive home and Elusive said I could stay with him, but he had a couch. I was down. We drank and Sadie and Dickaless joined us on the hill as well as two girls. Elusive talked to the girls but I wasn't jealous or worried he would go off with them instead of me. Which is new for me, I am usually insecure. I got up to pee or something and when I got back I realized someone had taken my beer. I was upset at first but hen realized I was really drunk and it didn't matter. Elusive suggested we get going. Turns out he was staying at a relative's house near by.

We walked arm in arm and I wasn't nervous or thinking sexy thoughts - I was just laughing and having a good time. He dropped the cigarette and I got another one out, and we would come to a complete stop to pass it, so that we didn't drop it again. We went through a fence and into the backyard. We went into a large shed. It was cold and had a light hanging from the ceiling. There was a couch and a blanket on it. I took off my jacket. It was pretty cold. I didn't feel cold but i was shivering. I quickly realized we were going to be sharing some small space, and we were going to be having sex. I'm not sure how it happened, either he asked me to or I just started stripping and so did he.

"Get in" he said.
I climbed onto the couch and laid down and he covered me with the white down blanket, climbing in on top of me. He kissed me. It was sweet smelling. I liked how he tasted, how his skin smelled. He had freckles on his shoulders. He ordered me around.
"Grab my dick." I did. It was hard and thick.
"I wanna fuck you" he said, "don't tell Maria."
"Ok, I won't tell her." (uh, why would I?)
"Don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't. I won't tell anyone." I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him already.
"69" he said and turned around.
I liked his dick. Some guys don't keep it clean enough down there, but he was clean and not too hairy. He knew what he was doing. After a while he turned around again.
"I want to kiss your pussy. I love your pussy."
"Okay" I know, I could win a literary prize.
He went down on me some more. It was pretty good but i need him to press harder, stay in one spot longer. And it didn't help matters that I was really drunk. We didn't have time to get to know each other, so I did my whole one night stand act - I exaggerate everything so they get the idea. I do more moans, more movement with my hips, pulling the hair. It works really well actually.
"Do you want me to get a condom? I have a condom."
"Yeah."
I reached over to my purse and got the condom, handed it to him.
"OH fuck. Where did it go?"
"What?"
"I dropped it. I dropped the condom." He searched around for it in the darkness. "I'm going to have to run to the store and get another one."
"Damn." I pulled the blankets up, it was getting cold. "Do you need money or something? You should hurry."
"I got it. I want you to masturbate when I'm gone. Promise me."
"Okay"
He leaned over me and kissed me. Then he started going down on me again.
"Go get the condom! I want you to fuck me."
"OK, I'll be right back." He ran out quickly.
It was cold. I decided to use the time to find my clothes, so I wouldn't have to look for them later. He had already told me that the only place to pee was out on the side of the shed. The concrete floor was cold.
"oh, hey" I said, he was back already.
"I forgot my wallet." he was kissing me again.
"oh"
and going down on me again. He kept doing that move that some guys do where they shake their heads when they are going down on you, and I never found it that appealing. I love guys that pay so much attention to the lady's pleasure though. Can't complain there.
"Oh hey, I found it!" he said, holding up the condom he had dropped earlier.
"Put it on!"
He put it on and told me to grab his dick again, and I did and then he pushed inside of me.
"ok, now get on your hands and knees."
I did, and he went from behind. My head hit against the wooden arm of the couch.
"Now turn on your back again."
"Harder." I should learn this word in every language.
"Ohh, I'm going to cum." This always happens when it is getting good.
I love the way a guy sounds before he comes, how he tenses and his breathing changes. The smell of his sweat. The way his balls move and his cock swells.
"I want to finish this way." He pulled out and took off the condom, rubbing himself.
"Grab my dick." I did.
He started cumming on my face and chest. I liked the way he moaned. I hadn't gotten a facial in a long time. We were silent for a minute and all I could hear was his breath in the cold night.
"Is there something I can wipe this up with?" I could feel his semen covering my left eye.
"Here" he handed me his boxers and I wiped myself off. He was already moving down, going down on me again.
It felt good but really I knew I wouldn't be able to cum. I had too much to drink, otherwise I'm sure I would have. I could tell he knew his way around down there.
Afterwards he came up and spooned me.
"Sorry I didn't make you cum." He sounded very apologetic.
"No worries."
"No, seriously. I wanted to make you cum. It's kinda my thing."
"Well, I've slept with ...well, now 12 guys... and only 2 have made me cum. So it's no big deal."
"Well I've slept with people two, not twelve...."
oh geez, did I really just offer up my number, my now high number?
"If I wasn't drunk I would have came."
He apologized again and I pressed against him. We smelled like each other. I went to sleep.


I woke feeling like I was going to barf. It was that dead part of night. I got up and looked for some clothes. Nothing. All I could find was my jacket so I put that on, leaving it open so my nakedness was exposed, and I walked around the side of the shed. I made myself barf to end the nausea. Then I peed for good measure. I crawled back into the couch. I was shivering like mad.


My cell phone alarm went off. The birds were chirping and the sun was just coming up. I laid there for a minute and then got up, putting on my clothes as quick as I could find them. I had mud on my dress. I laughed at the sight of it. He watched me get dressed. I buttoned up my coat and put my hat over my not matted and tangled hair. I still felt drunk. And soooo thirsty.
"Thanks for letting me crash here. How do I get back to downtown?"
"Take a right then a left."
"Cool, thanks." I left, not looking back.
The back of my heel was rubbed raw from the shoes. I stopped at sevey and got crackers, a water bottle and some bandaids. The same guy was working that had been there last night. I wonder if the recognized me. I walked to the car, drinking water and eating to try and sober up. It was so cold for morning. The sunlight felt gorgeous.
I knew if my mom didn't need the car back I wouldn't have decided to drive, I was still drunk. But not drunk enough to not return the car. I didn't want to deal with it. So I drove home, cautious and slow. Mellow. I tried to concentrate on the road.
When I got home I went through my door and quickly changed and went to give Mom the keys back.
"You have fun party girl?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, are you still drunk? You drove my car drunk."
"I'm good. I was careful." I didn't want to lie, or tell the truth. "i just need a nap. I'm really tired."
"Ok, could you help watch the kids later?"
"Yeah, sure." By which I mean no freakin' way.


I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What was stuck to the side of my face?
Oh man, that is dried semen. Hahahahaha.


When I woke up from a good three hour nap I had the spins and felt super sick and my head was pounding. Oh whiskey, why do you do this to me? I got some headache pills and water and crawled back into bed. Where I would stay. I realized I had a cut across my shin. A few actually. I know once I get naked I'll find more bruises. I usually come home with a few battle scars.
Sitting in bed I can still smell him on me. I should shower, but I like the smell.

Moody

I'm feeling moody, which is code word for my emotional crazy feelings. Basically I feel like I want to cry, even though I am not especially sad.

My boyfriend Scott slept over last night and left this morning, and I got no sex or anything like sex. Then I made a birthday cake for my brother and helped the kids decorate cookies. Watched some Numb3rs episodes. Masturbated with the rabbit, which is broken so I haven't used it in a while. But I found it is still useful if you just hold a working vibrator up to it. Such a good O that I immediatly fell asleep. Slept from some time in the early afternoon until 9ish at night. Not much around to eat here, and everything's closed. Scott is hanging out with his roomate. I have nothing to do.

So suddenly I want to cry. So I want to walk. I am missing when I used to go downtown with Maria and have a forty and smoke cigs. But she is still mad at me. So I walk to the quicky mart type thing, and I get a 40 of old E (aka, big bottle of cheap beer) and some American Spirit cigs, even though I normally don't smoke. I come back in through the back gate and have trouble locking the door and the dog starts going nuts. I leave the door unlocked.

Now I am sitting in my room, lonely. I am wondering how good of an idea it is to drink and smoke right now. Alone. I have never drank alone. I am hoping Be calls me back. I have no one really to call. No one to hang out with. Man, sometimes my life seems so great and then sometimes it sucks. Why am I so emotional? fuck fuck fuck.

I want to cry. and drink beer.

I think I lost a friend

I am having a really rough day.

I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.

So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:

"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "

I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.

Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.

I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.

Early

Maria's Birthday. I'll have to call her later.
Ugh, so early. I couldn't sleep all night. I felt like a jerk every time I moved in the bunk bed because the whole thing would creak and sigh as it moved around, I could just feel the hate coming from the other girls in the room (there are eight bunk beds). I'm tired and I don't want to do anything but I don't want to waste my time here. I only have a week in London and the only thing I did yesterday was behind closed doors. I mean, this may be the only time in my life that I'm here and I'm going to hang out in a hostel? Somehow the sleepiness is telling me that it would be far more satisfying to chill here than roam the city getting lost and starring at famous buildings. The only thing I really don't want to miss is the British museum but I still have a few more days. I hope I don't regret it later. I hate when people ask "oh, did you go see this or that?" and I'll be like "no" and then they will explain why I should have seen it and I won't agree but will smile and nod anyways. I predict this in my future.
I'm in the kitchen in the hostel and there is this old guy in his robe with half his stuff hanging out, making something on the stove. His hair is sticking up and he is going bald. Kind of gross, kind of interesting - it is like sitting in the back of some middle aged man's kitchen. Smells that way too.
I have to confess, I am a fool. I am kinda hoping to run into the Argentine again. He won't get up until later (I think), so I guess he'll find me if he wants to. I hope he wants to.

Oh it's too early. Decent people are asleep.