I'm going soft on you

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?

Choices...

What Should I Do?

I've been thinking about the whole Lynn thing that happened this morning. It made me wonder if the risks of having the blog are worth it. I risk embarrassment and harassment. Losing friends (but were they really friends?).

I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.

Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.

What will make me happiest?


My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.

Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.

What's wrong with me?

Tonight I have been making conclusions, and I have been thinking.

1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.


So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.

John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?

I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.

Up down and all around

I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.

I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.

She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.

It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...

There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.

Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.

Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!

I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.

"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"

We line up.

"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.

The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.

I drove home and it was quiet.

I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.

My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.

No one is Coming

I've been planning this party.

I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.

As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.

Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.

No one is Coming.

And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.

Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.

I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.

You Make Me Nervous

SO the weekend approaches.

I am having this "shin dig" which is code for low key party. But I am so freaked out by it. I am very nervous no one will show up, except like 2 people who will come super late and then all the booze will be horrible and undrinkable except I'll drink it and make an ass of myself and the music will make everyone scoff at me and all my clothes will be lost and I will have to wear something horrid and then their heads will explode and MY CARPET WILL BE RUINED BY THE BLOOD.

So I'm feeling anxious about that.

Andon said he is coming, but I actually haven't talked to him since this time last week. Which seemed like a long time until I wrote it just now. I hate being hung up on someone. I could be spending these weeks thinking about him and then nothing may ever happen. That just seems foolish. I don't even know what I want anyways - I want to keep jamming with him, and I would like to have sex with him. But date? I don't want to date anyone right now. Maybe like friends with benefits but I don't even know if he'd be down for that. He said he would be single again in January, but it would be rude of me to ask about a specific date I think. But I'm nervous he will come to the party and one or both of the following will happen: he won't have a good time at my party/with my friends and or I will get drunk and he will find out I like him, most likely the hard way.

Hella nervous.

I talked to my cousin Alyssa today. She is a bit uptight. I was telling her how I like being single but I was at loss to tell her why. I really wanted to say "I just like fucking anyone who asks me to". But I think that would ruin any good thoughts she has about me. I read her diary once and she said I act like a know it all and I come from white trash. And she thinks my sister is an idiot. All of which may be true, though I hope I don't act like that now, but the fact she looked down on us for these character flaws hurt me. But anyways I was telling her I wanted to have adventures and not settle down for a while.
"That makes sense, you just want to have a memorable and meaningful life"
"Actually I don't care if it's meaningful. I just want to have fun."
"Uh...well, ok."
Best part of the conversation?
"I don't even know anyone my age who is having kids, I feel so old getting married!"
"Really? My friend had a baby senior year of High School. At least ten of my friends have kids and only two of those are married."
"OMG. What are they doing?"
"Each other obviously."

edit

I am unconscious.


[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.


But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.

Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.

I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.

We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.

Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.

I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.

"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.

As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.


Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.

The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.

I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.


Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.

No!

I stay up late at night. When there is only like 4 people on-line. One of those is always Scott.
And I don't have the heart to delete him off my friend's list.

But then late night comes and there is no one to talk to and my mind wanders. I think about the book he let me borrow, the one I never read and still have. I think, what harm is there in asking is he wants the book back?

Then my logical brain goes NO!. I put him on the list that says NO for a reason. It means NO. Because if I talk to him 1) will be awkward, 2) will give one of us hope of reunification, which is stupid, 3) will probably lead to him just saying "you can keep it" or "drop it off at my house", both which involves me taking care of it and 4) what is my reason for talking to him? I don't care about the book. My brain has hidden alterior motives. Maybe like doin' him again since I can't seem to get any decent sex. But he isn't a sex kind of guy so he wouldn't be into it. So what's the point?

The point is to let my brain and heart torture me apparently.

New Years Eve 2009

I am such an idiot.

So I wrote this song about how much I want this guy to like me and I want him to make a move on me and how I was confused and I actually say "I want to pull you into me" in the song. And then Andon, the guy I wrote the song about, offers to help me write it.

So he came over today and we spent hours playing music. Then we got to work on the song and it was great and it came so easily and we recorded it (even though I have a cold). And it sounds really good and I am so excited because one of my goals was to write and record a song this year, and now I have and I'm putting it on last fm and I am so excited. He is so cute and comes in a button up shirt and those nerdy black glasses and he has two piercings, one on his nose and one on his lip and then an ear piercing that is slightly gauged and he has this curly dark hair and I love his smile and I like watching his hands move. Fo some reason the thing a guy could do that would most turn me on is play an instrument. Watching his hands and hearing the music I close my eyes and let it fill me.

Then he goes "Oh shit, it's after nine?"
"…yeah"
"I was supposed to be somewhere at nine."
"Oh."
"My ex and I just got back together…"
My head swirls and I get smaller. oh.

The whole night I have been watching him play, watching him smile, singing this song with him. And I thought he liked me. Like liked me liked me. He said things like "I like listening to music with you" and we just sat and listened to music for a while. He is so easy to hang out with! And we wrote a song together! And he is cute! Really cute!

oooo, Epic Fail.

My life is like this. So he leaves and I feel hurt and disappointed and it is 10 on new years eve. And I have no plans. This was my plan. As he left he said he would invite me to the party he was going to but his girlfriend was already jealous of me. epic fail fail fail. I am so stupid. SO stupid.

So I have two options:
1. Get blindly drunk at the nearest bar and maybe go home with a stranger.
2. Call friends and desperately hope someone is free to hang out or have me join them in their evening fun.

So I think about riding my bike downtown, getting arrested later for drunk on ze bike driving, how no one cool goes to the bars here (it is a very small town).

Then I call John. He calls me back immediately. I tell him I am sad. I want to hang out. He sounds tired from work. He has to work in the morning. I ask him to come over. He will. He will call me back in 15 he says. My Internet goes on and off. My night goes on and off. I want to cry on his shoulders and I want to smile and pretend nothing is wrong.

Moody

I'm feeling moody, which is code word for my emotional crazy feelings. Basically I feel like I want to cry, even though I am not especially sad.

My boyfriend Scott slept over last night and left this morning, and I got no sex or anything like sex. Then I made a birthday cake for my brother and helped the kids decorate cookies. Watched some Numb3rs episodes. Masturbated with the rabbit, which is broken so I haven't used it in a while. But I found it is still useful if you just hold a working vibrator up to it. Such a good O that I immediatly fell asleep. Slept from some time in the early afternoon until 9ish at night. Not much around to eat here, and everything's closed. Scott is hanging out with his roomate. I have nothing to do.

So suddenly I want to cry. So I want to walk. I am missing when I used to go downtown with Maria and have a forty and smoke cigs. But she is still mad at me. So I walk to the quicky mart type thing, and I get a 40 of old E (aka, big bottle of cheap beer) and some American Spirit cigs, even though I normally don't smoke. I come back in through the back gate and have trouble locking the door and the dog starts going nuts. I leave the door unlocked.

Now I am sitting in my room, lonely. I am wondering how good of an idea it is to drink and smoke right now. Alone. I have never drank alone. I am hoping Be calls me back. I have no one really to call. No one to hang out with. Man, sometimes my life seems so great and then sometimes it sucks. Why am I so emotional? fuck fuck fuck.

I want to cry. and drink beer.

What am I doing here?

SO it is Sunday evening and I am siting on my armchair with my legs draped over the side, thinking about my laundry and refilling the ink in my good pen. But mostly I am wondering where my emotions have gone off to.

If I had to guess two days ago, I would say that today I would not be able to stop thinking about the new guy I am dating and I would be all fluttery and lovely. But mostly I am thinking about having sex, and not necessarily with Scott. The thing is that I would never cheat, and I know I won't. And I have never got the urge to cheat ever ever. Never crossed my mind before. But walking around yesterday I just thought, damn I would really like to fuck someone right now. And when I found myself thinking about Dick and a guy named Kenny (craigslist guy who I never called back) and the many other guys that were possibilities - people who would want to be in my bed. But why would I want them in my bed when I have found someone better than them? Where are my flutters and love-y feelings? Where are my emotions and what am I doing here? The Answer: This is how my mind seems to work when I feel rejected.


I think it has something to do with yesterday. We were both tired on Friday night so he came over, we made out and snuggled and what not and he meet the crazies that live with me. Then I gave him a hand job and we went to sleep. In the morning I woke to kisses and oral. Nice way to wake up but I wasn't really awake and so I think much of his effort was going unappreciated. Then I suggested sex. And I suggested that we do it twice and each have a turn of like directing it - getting exactly what we want with little consideration for our partner.
"What do you want me to do?" He asked as got a condom.
My style of sex is much different that what we did before. I like girl on bottom stuff the best. First missionary, then I looked for something that I could lay on so he could stand up and do it that way but the counter was too tall and the bed too short, so then I got a bunch of pillows to get me a bit higher and he was on his knees on the bed. I ended up sliding to the side which made him hit this great spot. Pretty much everything I said was deeper, harder or faster. I'm just that kind of girl I guess.

But anyways after that we talked and laid in bed for a bit. The whole time I'm feeling more awake and more horny, and wondering if it would be rude of me to ask him to stop talking and just make out with me or do me again or something. When we talk I let my hands roam randomly across him. I kiss him a little bit and he perks up and says "So, What do you want to do for breakfast? I'm starved."
Ugghhhh. I am not really hungry. If you keep track of it this is the third night in a row I've had him in my bed, and I haven't any Orgasms (unless you count the one I gave myself in the shower, thank god for those massaging shower heads). So I am feeling a bit ignored. He mentions food like two more times but I just keep kissing him. I think he gets the idea and his hands go south. For one, I hate this because he obviously would rather be eating and it's like I have to beg him for it. But whatever; we are just starting so he doesn't know me yet and whatever I try not to think about it.

But he has his fingers down there for like a minute and then he asks for directions. I kinda show him what I do but his hands arn't the same as mine so it feels different and he is not hitting the right spots. It is really frustrating. The more that I try to explain the further off he gets and I am kinda shy about explaining stuff anyways. So I am getting completely embarrassed and frustrated and this is so stupid. Here is this great sexy guy that I just had good sex with and he wants me to give him instructions or something. He stops and suggests a vibrator. I get one out and then I realize he is suggesting I do it myself. Lammmeee. I can do it by myself when he isn't here. And I am suddenly very very very embarrassed. My body is being all difficult when he was so easy. But I can't really say 'oh never mind' at this point because then he'll wonder why and I am not good at talking. So I try to masturbate with my vibrator with him right next to me. And I can't do anything with him looking at me. So I ask him to kiss me.
"I feel weird when you watch me."
"Maybe it would help if I did it too." He says and reaches over for some lube.
So now we are both masturbating.
I want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I have found guys touching themselves to be a turn on but this is just making me feel worse. I just want it to be over and my cheeks are flushed but not with pleasure. So I tell him to not stop kissing me and I hit the spots that I hit for a quick fix and I have the quickest little orgasm that ever was. I don't even know if he noticed. I stopped and when he looked at me with a raised eyebrow I said "I'm less dramatic than you." Vibrator off.
He finsihed himself off and we got dressed and went out to breakfast. He said he wanted to get some stuff done so he would be going home after breakfast.

We went to this cafe that is popular with the college kids and I would feel weird in there on a normal day. But I felt really awkward with him and then the place and I couldn't put my finger on what was making me feel all weird. Sometimes I don't make connections until I write it down. It was nice enough but I wish he would have just left me at home and I could of had breakfast at my own house where I felt comfortable. On one hand I was glad he was leaving so that I could sort through the wave of weird feelings I was having and so he could go do his own thing and not be sick of me. But on the other hand I was worried he was sick of me.
So I made this play list of some sad songs and some songs that were just slow and I listened and chilled. He was on the Internet and I didn't want to talk to him so I got off. When I get upset I want to run. Literally just exert myself and feel wind on my face. So I got the dog and went for a walk in the rainy cold night. I didn't even realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast until I was getting in bed. So I grabbed a can of corn and went to sleep. And still I couldn't tell you why I was feeling so weird. It was like the funk was creeping in. I can't talk about emotions because I can't see them until I lay them out in front of me, which is why I started keeping a journal in the first place.

So now looking at it I just feel like I don't count as much. Like I always have to put my pleasure on the side. And also like I am going to be too sexual for him, like I will always be wanting more. I don't like being rejected, it just makes me feel abandoned and lonely. I am mostly hoping for these feelings to just vanish. I know, I have great skills for dealing with my feelings. I posted on facebook that I was going for a walk around 9 at night; I was kinda fishing for someone to be worried. An old friend replied and I clicked to see what she was up to. Shock. There on her wall was a comment from the guy we had both been friends with, the one who raped me. And I couldn't help it. I clicked on him. His info was private so I couldn't see where he lived. Instead I looked at his pictures. His life goes on. His hair is getting long. I don't know why I do this to myself, like as punishment or something? What am I doing here looking at his pictures?
So today I mostly walked around in a daze and did nothing productive, just sitting around. As soon as I go on the computer Scott IMs me. He hasn't been doing much, just working out and cooking and stuff. He is getting ready to go to work. I am helping Cristina with her math homework. I don't know what to say to him. I have a feeling he has no idea how I feel. Because I can't even figure out what I feel half the time. I don't know why I feel so weird all of a sudden. Just super awkward and worthless. Sometimes I feel so normal, but now I feel funkatized. I have been kinda happy lately, what am I doing back here?


[edit] I kinda worked out my feelings as I wrote this and as I updated stuff from my Europe trip. Then I starred at man candy for over an hour and I feel much better. It's like the logical part of my brain goes "I don't think you were being rejected and you are way over reacting" and then my emotional brain goes "I can't help that I over react, it bothered me and I just want to feel better, someone fuck me". I wonder what Scott will think if he ever reads this (not that I'm giving him the link but he knows I have a blog and it wouldn't be that hard for him to find).