I am so tired I am falling asleep writing this post.
So Scott picked me up from work and he was being very charming, opening doors and all that jazz. I forgot how tall he is. He had this old white car and we drove to an Italian restaurant in downtown Santa Rosa and it was very nice. The waiter had to come back like four times before we ordered because we kept talking and not looking at the menu. To be honest I was so freaking' nervous. My lips were chapped and I had bad cramps from my period. I was kind of wringing my hands under the table. I didn't know what to say and sometimes he would look at me and I would just have to look down. Even with how shy I was feeling the conversation went well and didn't feel forced. One of the girls I sometimes work with sat at the table right next to us but neither of us said anything. He paid and asked me where I wanted to go - we had both talked about liking tea and I told him I could beat him at Rummy (a card game) so he had brought cards but it was way too cold to be play in a park or anything. So I invited him to my house.
I wasn't sure what to do once we got to my house. When I am nervous in my house I just fiddle with this and that, and that's what I did. I showed him my house (the family was asleep) and I even showed him the inside of my piano - obviously I didn't know what to do with myself. But I took out the cards and we played Rummy. I killed him the first hand and then it he was winning each hand until the end where I went all out, I won by 30 points (very close). I think I psyched him into thinking I was much better than I am. I asked him what he was doing for the holidays and he said he didn't know, he had planned to spend it was his ex's family but he had broke up with her around August; they had been dating two and a half years and lived together for a year. I didn't really know what to do with that; I just hope he is over her and I'm not a rebound.
We had a pot of tea between us and were very awake. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he was just enjoying my company. So we talked and stuff and at some point he was on the couch and I was too and I saw him shivering. Like not just a little, like a lot.
"Oh my god, you are shivering!"
"Yeah...I'm a little cold."
"Do you want a blanket? I can give you a blanket."
So I grabbed my green blanket and threw it at him and he was still shivering - it was crazy, like his whole body was shaking. And then I just sat next to him and took his hands in mine to warm him up, and it was a natural thing to do but then there was silence between us and I realized what I had done - we hadn't touched before.
"Your hands are cold." he said.
"Yeah...I'm warm but when I...well I don't know."
"Bad circulation I guess."
"No, that's not why I mean I know why, it's just...my hands get cold when I am nervous. Like yesterday I was trying to record myself on the piano and being recorded makes me nervous so my hands were cold and I couldn't play very well. Sometimes when I am really nervous I giggle. People used to get so mad at me when I did it during musical theater; we would be backstage, about to start and I wouldn't be able to stop giggling."
I still had his hands in mine. There was this warm ache in my chest. I just wanted to be close to him. I got under the covers and he put his arm around me and I leaned into him and it seemed so natural even though I was so nervous and he was talking and I was trying to see his face when he talked but i just wanted to lay my head on his shoulder. And we sat with a little bit of silence and he said something about it being late. He also said that after I left the party he stayed up until morning with a bunch of guys playing cards in a tent (I was worried he had spent it with half naked chick). And I was afraid of all sorts of things. Like him deciding he didn't like me that much, of him not trying to or maybe not wanting to kiss me, maybe I got too close to him too fast, maybe a million things. I had to get up and when I came back we didn't slip back into sitting together and instead I faced him on the couch. We talked a little more and I don't even remember what he was talking about because I was thinking and after a pause he asked "Would you mind if I kissed you right now?"
"uh...no." and we both leaned in and kissed.
His lips were very full and soft and then we were making out. Sometimes when he kissed me it was perfect but I think a lot of it was figuring out each other. Sometimes he would do this thing that I don't like where he would leave his mouth wide open on mine and we would breathe into each other and move our tongues but not our lips. He had a little stubble which is cute but it scratched my chin.
Then we really got into it and were just making out and my hands went under his shirt and I was sitting on top of him and sometimes we would stop kissing and just look at each other and I would touch his face. His eyes are like a hazel brown but he doesn't open them very wide so it's hard to tell. It was getting much later an I was wondering if he was going to leave any minute.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"How long will you stay?"
"How long do you want me to stay?"
"How long can you stay?"
"I don't need to be anywhere until 9am tomorrow." and we started kissing again.
A little bit later I had all these thoughts. I don't want him to go but will he think I'm a slut or something if I do stuff with him on the first date? We haven't even known each other for a week, I should probably stop. But the kissing makes my brain not work properly. Will he leave if I don't have sex with him? How serious does he want this relationship to be? I kinda want our first time to be special or at least awesome - I'm on m period and my legs arn't shaved and I shouldn't sleep wit him on the first date, that's just not very classy. I can't believe he likes me.
He started talking between kisses. It's like he can read my mind.
"I don't want you to feel" *kiss* "pressured" *kiss*
"Don't feel pressured" *kiss* "we don't have to have sex or anything" *kiss* " I mean I would like to get you naked and do stuff" *kiss*kiss*kiss* "But I'll stay" *kiss* "we don't have to do anything" *kiss* "because I like you."
he continued. "and I want to get to know you more" *kiss* "you are really attractive" *kiss*
I stopped. "wait" I rolled to the side. "I can't think like that, you make my head all cloudy."
He laughed "ok."
"I want to mess around" I said, "but I'm on my period so nothing's going to happen with this" *waving hands over my lady parts*
"and I have to ask...when is the last time you were tested?" Immediately I feel weird about asking. "sorry"
"No, it's good to ask. It's been a while but I'm in the clear unless my ex cheated on me but I don't think she did. So I'm good to go. And I'm guessing since you asked that you have been tested."
"yeah, I'm good."
He leaned in and kissed me again, drawing me closer. "So, I make your head cloudy?" He smiled.
We basically fooled around all night. We got naked (except my undies, the ones with the peace sign on the butt) and it got cold so we got under the covers in my bed. We were both really tired but didn't want to sleep. We had stayed up to 4am the night before and he said he was so excited about seeing me he couldn't sleep and got up at 7:30 (just like me). I think I was half asleep at some point because I remember dreaming and then feeling him kiss me. I started to give him a blow job, and he's average size except the head is kinda big and when he got close it would just get a little bigger and a little firmer and it was hard to do properly when it got bigger and firmer. I ended up not finishing him off and we just went back to messing around. But late at night (or early this morning?) he started kissing my nipples which was making me really want to have sex with him so I decided if he was going to torture me I would do it back. So I started rubbing his penis and holy moly he is sensitive after all that making out. He was squirming all over the place. It was awesome. He kinda suggested I get some lube and do it more. I hadn't given a hand job since I was 15. It was so much fun this time though. It was fun to watch. He got to see my naughty box when I got the lube out. I went slow and then fast to draw it out and he was moving all over the place and he sat up and grabbed me tightly and started kissing me and it was so hot. The lights were off and I didn't have my glasses on and he came and he was moving so much it went everywhere. I got a hand towel to clean it up and when I touched his penis he kind of jumped and I said sorry and he was like "it's fine, I'm just sensitive right now. You don't have to be sorry." I was saying sorry alot, like sorry for my hair getting in the way (it's long now, almost to my butt). So I told him the truth, I say sorry when I am unsure what to do.
I actually mentioned the blog at some point. When we talked on-line I had given him a link to my lastfm page so he could see what music I like, and then I suddenly realized it has a link to this blog on it and I had already posted about meeting him. He had said something about his hands being bigger than mine like three time so I thought he might have read the blog and how I am about hands but he said he hadn't. I'm not sure if I should give him the permission to read it or not. I mean it is public. He asked if the blog is public secrets but I said no, it's just honest.
We started hearing my brothers get up. I have no working clocks in my room but I later found out it was 6am. I think I drifted off a little but I never wanted to stop touching him and kissing him. It just felt so right. I just trusted him when I haven't trusted a man in a long time. He just seems like such a nice guy.
He said something about how he used to volunteer with a sexual assault awareness group and I froze up. Suddenly I realized I would have to tell him about the rape sooner or later. And then I just forced myself to get it over with. I felt so ashamed. I didn't want him to think I'm broken or dirty. But I figured what if I told him later and he walked out? Might as well tell him now. I was laying in his arms and I told him. I said it was my best friend, Jason, and he had been trying to get me to try oxy for months and I gave in and I think it was April 2006 and I couldn't move and Pat just left the room and all my friends just told me to get over it or they tried to ignore it. And I told him that I had a hard summer last year because PJ died and Jason touched my shoulder at the funeral and I had lost so many friends and I never reported it. And then I said something I didn't realize until I said it - I hadn't dated since then. And I told him that I was sorry to be all depressing or whatever but I knew I would have to tell him sooner or later and he brought up the subject so ...yeah.
I didn't know what he would say and I can't remember the exact words but he was basically sorry it had happened to me and said I should talk to a counselor or something because sometimes these things come up in unexpected ways and he just held me which was the most helpful of all. I told him I didn't want to see a counselor and I talked to God about it and that helped. And we didn't talk for a bit and when I am scared or really nervous I trace circles and figure eights and I did that to his arm and he did it to mine. Then I asked if he thought worse of me and he said no. He said he wanted to be with me for a while and he said lots of other perfect things and I was relieved because I was worried that he didn't plan on being with me for long. I had a little thought that panicked me - could I leave him for the Peace Corps? But then I reminded myself to take one day at a time. And after a while that conversation disappeared into the arriving morning.
It felt like a perfect dream and I never wanted to leave his arms and we kept kissing each other and running our hands everywhere. I have never been able to sleep or spoon comfortably with a person but I just fit in his arms and it felt all too good - he knew all the bad parts of me, my crazy family and how I'm a little damaged. And he still liked me. And he could talk and was saying all the right things and he feels so great. I like him way more than I've liked anyone and we have barley started. It is kinda scary and part of me is worried that I'm going to be more into him than he will be into me but somehow I think not. For my sign the best match is a Cancer - which he is. Just everything I would want in a man he is. He likes to cook, he likes hiking and the outdoors, he likes music, he is really smart, he is funny and easy going, He understands having a crazy drug addict mom, he likes to travel. Aw geez. It almost seems too good. But my mom admitted to praying for me to find a good boyfriend and she usually gets her prayers to the max.
I must have dozed off because his alarm made me jump. I rolled over and held him and kissed him and he said nice things. He waited until the last minute to get out of bed and before he did he promised to hang out again on Friday. Then when he was leaving he said he would drop by after work today (he gets off at 11pm). Putting on his coat he said he was supposed to go rock climbing Saturday morning but if it was rainy he would come here to see me before he had to work. I stood on my tip toes and kissed him as he left.
I was happy and sleepy all morning and napped a bit and then went to work, which was great today. I've been wondering if I should change my Facebook status from single or if that's too presumptuous. I haven't had a boyfriend since Jan. 2006, which he knows. I'm a little worried about my "number" and what he will think of it, and what his number is. It is like the only bad thing he doesn't know about me (I even mentioned my OCD). I have really bad cramps again (I have had them all day). I wish my period would end! I'm typing this trying to stay awake, I started nodding off at 8. I want to be awake when he gets off, I hope he really comes. I think he will. I think he wants to spend the night again because he told me he would come over but would need to "actually sleep". I hope he does.