What Should I Do?

I've been thinking about the whole Lynn thing that happened this morning. It made me wonder if the risks of having the blog are worth it. I risk embarrassment and harassment. Losing friends (but were they really friends?).

I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.

Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.

What will make me happiest?


My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.

Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.

Fucking Fridays

I hate fuckin friday nights. Because I am almost never fucking, and that is what I would really rather be doing.
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.


Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.


I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?

No one is Coming

I've been planning this party.

I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.

As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.

Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.

No one is Coming.

And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.

Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.

I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.

You Make Me Nervous

SO the weekend approaches.

I am having this "shin dig" which is code for low key party. But I am so freaked out by it. I am very nervous no one will show up, except like 2 people who will come super late and then all the booze will be horrible and undrinkable except I'll drink it and make an ass of myself and the music will make everyone scoff at me and all my clothes will be lost and I will have to wear something horrid and then their heads will explode and MY CARPET WILL BE RUINED BY THE BLOOD.

So I'm feeling anxious about that.

Andon said he is coming, but I actually haven't talked to him since this time last week. Which seemed like a long time until I wrote it just now. I hate being hung up on someone. I could be spending these weeks thinking about him and then nothing may ever happen. That just seems foolish. I don't even know what I want anyways - I want to keep jamming with him, and I would like to have sex with him. But date? I don't want to date anyone right now. Maybe like friends with benefits but I don't even know if he'd be down for that. He said he would be single again in January, but it would be rude of me to ask about a specific date I think. But I'm nervous he will come to the party and one or both of the following will happen: he won't have a good time at my party/with my friends and or I will get drunk and he will find out I like him, most likely the hard way.

Hella nervous.

I talked to my cousin Alyssa today. She is a bit uptight. I was telling her how I like being single but I was at loss to tell her why. I really wanted to say "I just like fucking anyone who asks me to". But I think that would ruin any good thoughts she has about me. I read her diary once and she said I act like a know it all and I come from white trash. And she thinks my sister is an idiot. All of which may be true, though I hope I don't act like that now, but the fact she looked down on us for these character flaws hurt me. But anyways I was telling her I wanted to have adventures and not settle down for a while.
"That makes sense, you just want to have a memorable and meaningful life"
"Actually I don't care if it's meaningful. I just want to have fun."
"Uh...well, ok."
Best part of the conversation?
"I don't even know anyone my age who is having kids, I feel so old getting married!"
"Really? My friend had a baby senior year of High School. At least ten of my friends have kids and only two of those are married."
"OMG. What are they doing?"
"Each other obviously."

edit

I am unconscious.


[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.


But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.

Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.

I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.

We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.

Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.

I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.

"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.

As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.


Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.

The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.

I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.


Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.

Friends?

I drove to my home town Saturday. I need to clear my head.

I go to the coffee shop I like best and play the piano while my tea cools. Then I walk up to canon ball park and drink my tea sitting on the hill, over looking the Boulevard. It's pretty cold out. I decide to call Maria.

She is actually home, I thought she would be working. She tells me to come over but take my time, she is feeling lazy. When I get there she is in the top bunk of her sister's bed watching MTV. She tells me she just stopped going to work like two weeks ago. She puts on socks over her tights and we go out to her garage. I look at her paintings she is working on, her new desk. She turns on a record. We smoke out of a broken pipe because her boyfriend has her regular one. I almost burn my nose. We decide to go to Goodwill (thrift shop). I am feeling really silly and laugh a lot.

When we get there random people show up. It is like the whole gang. Joe is there, Dickaless and Sadie. We agree to meet up later. I am fascinated by a rubix cube I found. I am cold so I buy a weird dress jacket that is blue plaid. Maria and I go to the Mexican restaurant. I eat half of my food and can't finish it. We look up and it looks like porn on TV, but it is the watchman. Dickaless and Sadie show up. They want to drink. We go out.

We stop to smoke some more pot by the train tracks. When we sit down we start talking and we talk about pine trees. I explain how they bring water through themselves, and how they gather water from the fog we have. Which is why the tallest trees in the world are here. But I am high and going all into detail and talking about the water molecules slightly sticking together like pearls on a string and how the sun pulls them out, and in pulling one pulls all the others up - carrying them through the body of the tree. I go on about the whole tree thing for a while. Maria says, "Trees freak me out, man"

I take out my journal and start writing because I think this is all very amusing. Maria wants more people to hang out. She looks at Dickaless and asks "Do we have any other friends?"
"You guys are my friends, I don't have any others." he says.
Sadie agrees.
Maria looks at the ground. "I don't have any friends." after a few moments she quickly adds "except for you guys."
Sadie talks while I write.
Dickaless is sitting on his bike and he turns to me, saying "Dear diary, I'm having so much fun with my new friends!"
We all laugh. He asks if that's what I'm writing. "It is now."
We talk about subconscious dreams. Dickaless wants to remember his. I did stuff to remember my dreams once, and it worked. And I didn't like it so I did stuff to forget. Subconscious dreams freak me out.

We walk to sevey and are outside when all these random people keep showing up. A guy Maria slept with shows up but then leaves. This dickhead that is sometimes cool shows up, his name is K.C. Another guy shows up, cute with glasses. I know him from many times before but I can't remember his name. Chris? Something or other he is buying chaser and says he will come drink with us but doesn't. I get them thirty twos of natty ice. I get one for myself as well. and milk duds. We walk to a nearby school to drink. K.C. suggests I have us a party at my house sometime. I didn't think anyone would come all the way to my place. The thought that they would - This makes me happy.

It all feels so natural, like the old times but better. I feel like I am more accepted as part of the group, like I'm not Maria's friend but their friend. And Maria and I are getting along. We all smoke some more. Joe shows up again. I give away most of my beer, I have to drive later. Maria and I walk back to her house, getting her pipe from her boyfriend on the way. I draw her and listen to the well tempered clavier she has on vinyl. So bomb. It is super foggy when I leave and I am frightened the whole time I am driving home. When I get home I talk on-line to Andon's best friend again. I also decide to have that party and I announce it on facebook. Sleep. It is for the weak. I give in around 3am and have weird dreams that I didn't want to remember.

Elusive

So it was still Yule and I just got dumped.

I have met a lot of people through Maria, but I never got close to any of them - all I needed was one good friend, why waste my efforts on other people who may let me down? But Maria and I were/are in our tiff so I texted someone I met through her - Sadie. She invited me to join the booze train.

I borrowed my mother's car and drove back to my home town, meeting Sadie and her part time lover Dickaless in the breezeway at 7pm sharp. The night was crisp and cool. The wind made me shiver. I always wear a dress on the holidays, so I had my black dress and black leggings with those Ugg boots and a warm dark green coat. A dark rose and charcoal hat topped off the look, my long brown hair falling into curls down my back.

I brought my flask of whiskey and cigarettes, and we each picked up a 32oz beer at the sevey (7/11, a quicky mart). We walked down towards the pipe bridge, but instead of going down by the bushes and the bank we followed the train tracks a little ways and I could hear the hollow sound of a boom box playing. There were the usual suspects, most of them just visiting - back in town for the holidays. There was Alice, who was Maria's new best chick friend; a rather nice skinny white girl who paints creepy things, she had her own set of quirks and emotional issues, much like me. I like Alice. Maria and her boyfriend were there. Joe was laying on the ground, drunk and texting an ex, trying to flirt with Maria and being shut down. She told him she was going to shit on his face. There was another guy whose name always eludes me, I've met him many a time but he goes to college up north now. We shall call him Elusive Guy.

I sat down on a piece of wood. They were finishing off a thirty pack of cheap beer when we arrived, and I passed around the whiskey. I also brought my camera; I hadn't taken pictures of my nights out in a while. A few people complained about the pictures. Joe couldn't remember meeting me before, but said he remembered me from Facebook. He said my updates were interesting. He was really drunk and tried to climb a fence upside down. He kept bumping into me. I started talking to elusive guy and he said he last remembered me from a party over a year ago. He says he is Pagan but not Wiccan. I gave him a cigarette. Joe tried to go home but walked the wrong way. Then he left again, hopefully in the right direction. I told Maria I was glad she wasn't mad at me anymore. She said she was never mad at me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. We all decided to go to a near by Mexican restaurant.

On the walk I talked to the elusive guy some more. Everyone got ahead of us. Somehow we ended up talking about our recent break ups. He had got dumped a few months ago, the girl wanted an open relationship and he said no, and she said "well, I'm fucking someone else." Which was the end of that. I just proclaimed everyone should be straight forward. He agreed. We pieced another cigarette, waiting for the cops to leave the restaurant before we joined our friends inside. I got the feeling he was into me, I decided to play it out.

We went inside. I sat next to Sadie and talked. I really like her. Maria never did in the beginning but I think she is ok with her now. Sadie is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, which i think is cool. She fools around a lot with her words, sometimes harshly. I think she has adopted Maria's strategy of being bitchy so as not to get hurt. Not my style, but I respect it. Elusive guy sat at another table with one of his friends that had joined us, James. Dickaless kept calling me Antlers, which I kinda like. There was talk of getting another thirty pack, but on the way back to sevey we lost Maria and her boyfriend. Then Sadie and Dickaless fell behind.

So James and Elusive and I got a 32oz beer each and walked up to oak hill. This is a legendary park on top of a hill covered in oak trees at the edge of downtown. It was the first place I ever got drunk, back when I was sixteen, actually a week before I was seventeen but whatever. I needed a place to crash since I couldn't drive home and Elusive said I could stay with him, but he had a couch. I was down. We drank and Sadie and Dickaless joined us on the hill as well as two girls. Elusive talked to the girls but I wasn't jealous or worried he would go off with them instead of me. Which is new for me, I am usually insecure. I got up to pee or something and when I got back I realized someone had taken my beer. I was upset at first but hen realized I was really drunk and it didn't matter. Elusive suggested we get going. Turns out he was staying at a relative's house near by.

We walked arm in arm and I wasn't nervous or thinking sexy thoughts - I was just laughing and having a good time. He dropped the cigarette and I got another one out, and we would come to a complete stop to pass it, so that we didn't drop it again. We went through a fence and into the backyard. We went into a large shed. It was cold and had a light hanging from the ceiling. There was a couch and a blanket on it. I took off my jacket. It was pretty cold. I didn't feel cold but i was shivering. I quickly realized we were going to be sharing some small space, and we were going to be having sex. I'm not sure how it happened, either he asked me to or I just started stripping and so did he.

"Get in" he said.
I climbed onto the couch and laid down and he covered me with the white down blanket, climbing in on top of me. He kissed me. It was sweet smelling. I liked how he tasted, how his skin smelled. He had freckles on his shoulders. He ordered me around.
"Grab my dick." I did. It was hard and thick.
"I wanna fuck you" he said, "don't tell Maria."
"Ok, I won't tell her." (uh, why would I?)
"Don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't. I won't tell anyone." I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him already.
"69" he said and turned around.
I liked his dick. Some guys don't keep it clean enough down there, but he was clean and not too hairy. He knew what he was doing. After a while he turned around again.
"I want to kiss your pussy. I love your pussy."
"Okay" I know, I could win a literary prize.
He went down on me some more. It was pretty good but i need him to press harder, stay in one spot longer. And it didn't help matters that I was really drunk. We didn't have time to get to know each other, so I did my whole one night stand act - I exaggerate everything so they get the idea. I do more moans, more movement with my hips, pulling the hair. It works really well actually.
"Do you want me to get a condom? I have a condom."
"Yeah."
I reached over to my purse and got the condom, handed it to him.
"OH fuck. Where did it go?"
"What?"
"I dropped it. I dropped the condom." He searched around for it in the darkness. "I'm going to have to run to the store and get another one."
"Damn." I pulled the blankets up, it was getting cold. "Do you need money or something? You should hurry."
"I got it. I want you to masturbate when I'm gone. Promise me."
"Okay"
He leaned over me and kissed me. Then he started going down on me again.
"Go get the condom! I want you to fuck me."
"OK, I'll be right back." He ran out quickly.
It was cold. I decided to use the time to find my clothes, so I wouldn't have to look for them later. He had already told me that the only place to pee was out on the side of the shed. The concrete floor was cold.
"oh, hey" I said, he was back already.
"I forgot my wallet." he was kissing me again.
"oh"
and going down on me again. He kept doing that move that some guys do where they shake their heads when they are going down on you, and I never found it that appealing. I love guys that pay so much attention to the lady's pleasure though. Can't complain there.
"Oh hey, I found it!" he said, holding up the condom he had dropped earlier.
"Put it on!"
He put it on and told me to grab his dick again, and I did and then he pushed inside of me.
"ok, now get on your hands and knees."
I did, and he went from behind. My head hit against the wooden arm of the couch.
"Now turn on your back again."
"Harder." I should learn this word in every language.
"Ohh, I'm going to cum." This always happens when it is getting good.
I love the way a guy sounds before he comes, how he tenses and his breathing changes. The smell of his sweat. The way his balls move and his cock swells.
"I want to finish this way." He pulled out and took off the condom, rubbing himself.
"Grab my dick." I did.
He started cumming on my face and chest. I liked the way he moaned. I hadn't gotten a facial in a long time. We were silent for a minute and all I could hear was his breath in the cold night.
"Is there something I can wipe this up with?" I could feel his semen covering my left eye.
"Here" he handed me his boxers and I wiped myself off. He was already moving down, going down on me again.
It felt good but really I knew I wouldn't be able to cum. I had too much to drink, otherwise I'm sure I would have. I could tell he knew his way around down there.
Afterwards he came up and spooned me.
"Sorry I didn't make you cum." He sounded very apologetic.
"No worries."
"No, seriously. I wanted to make you cum. It's kinda my thing."
"Well, I've slept with ...well, now 12 guys... and only 2 have made me cum. So it's no big deal."
"Well I've slept with people two, not twelve...."
oh geez, did I really just offer up my number, my now high number?
"If I wasn't drunk I would have came."
He apologized again and I pressed against him. We smelled like each other. I went to sleep.


I woke feeling like I was going to barf. It was that dead part of night. I got up and looked for some clothes. Nothing. All I could find was my jacket so I put that on, leaving it open so my nakedness was exposed, and I walked around the side of the shed. I made myself barf to end the nausea. Then I peed for good measure. I crawled back into the couch. I was shivering like mad.


My cell phone alarm went off. The birds were chirping and the sun was just coming up. I laid there for a minute and then got up, putting on my clothes as quick as I could find them. I had mud on my dress. I laughed at the sight of it. He watched me get dressed. I buttoned up my coat and put my hat over my not matted and tangled hair. I still felt drunk. And soooo thirsty.
"Thanks for letting me crash here. How do I get back to downtown?"
"Take a right then a left."
"Cool, thanks." I left, not looking back.
The back of my heel was rubbed raw from the shoes. I stopped at sevey and got crackers, a water bottle and some bandaids. The same guy was working that had been there last night. I wonder if the recognized me. I walked to the car, drinking water and eating to try and sober up. It was so cold for morning. The sunlight felt gorgeous.
I knew if my mom didn't need the car back I wouldn't have decided to drive, I was still drunk. But not drunk enough to not return the car. I didn't want to deal with it. So I drove home, cautious and slow. Mellow. I tried to concentrate on the road.
When I got home I went through my door and quickly changed and went to give Mom the keys back.
"You have fun party girl?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, are you still drunk? You drove my car drunk."
"I'm good. I was careful." I didn't want to lie, or tell the truth. "i just need a nap. I'm really tired."
"Ok, could you help watch the kids later?"
"Yeah, sure." By which I mean no freakin' way.


I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What was stuck to the side of my face?
Oh man, that is dried semen. Hahahahaha.


When I woke up from a good three hour nap I had the spins and felt super sick and my head was pounding. Oh whiskey, why do you do this to me? I got some headache pills and water and crawled back into bed. Where I would stay. I realized I had a cut across my shin. A few actually. I know once I get naked I'll find more bruises. I usually come home with a few battle scars.
Sitting in bed I can still smell him on me. I should shower, but I like the smell.

I think I lost a friend

I am having a really rough day.

I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.

So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:

"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "

I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.

Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.

I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.