Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Someone to talk to

I haven't updated in a while because I face every bloggers dilemma: how many secrets is it prudent to share, if my secrets involve someone else?

If I write about my sex life I'm also revealing things about my partner, and even though I change names I write knowing that anyone could read it and figure out who the real people are. People can get hurt. Well, their feelings anyways. Privacy is a tricky thing.

I love my boyfriend so much, I don't want to write about any issues he is having on here because what if one day someone reads it and it gets back to him and people think bad things about him? Or what if I hurt his feelings? That is my problem.

And I face that problem again today especially because I need someone to talk to, or really more someone to listen to me, but it's about private stuff so I can't tell just anymore. Not something you can share on facebook.

This is what I will say about today. My boyfriend gets depressed sometimes, and I've battled depression so I felt like I know what he is going through. But I don't and he tells me so. I was depressed because I was lonely - and now that I have him I am no longer lonely, so I'm no longer depressed. He says he would kill himself if he wasn't so afraid, and he says he hates his life and wants to drop out of college. I'm like, I am a huge part of your life! How can you want to kill yourself if you have me? How can you hate your life with me. But I don't say these things, I just say I am sorry and I wish I could make things better and i try to point out the good things but it's like the more I try the more he says I don't understand he tries to sleep to get away from everything. And then sometimes he says something that breaks my heart, like today we were texting and he was depressed and I said what about what we have, isn't that good, isn't that worth living for? and he said he would throw it all away to end the pain.

and I just cried, because what else can I do?

when I think about Andon and I and our future, I imagine getting married and traveling for a bit and then settling somewhere and having kids. I imagine playing music, going to the river, watching movies snuggled on the couch, hiking through the woods. He says he wants marriage and kids with me too. But then reality rears it's ugly head.

Even though we have many days of happiness he gets depressed and nothing can cheer him and it brings me down and sometimes he says hurtful things. If he gets frustrated he will give out an angry yell and start hitting himself, which scares the crap out of me. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk to me if he's in a bad mood. We both struggle with our weight. We both smoke a ton of weed, which will probably kill our lungs, and I don't know if either of us will ever want to quit. One of the biggest problems for me is he doesn't like being around my family - my family is my center. I miss them. He can't even stand to be at their house for a few hours, he won't talk and gets all shifty and uncomfortable and leaves. I have never had many friends, I'm used to hanging out with my family all the time. I don't know what to do.

But then when I think about life without him...I don't want to. For all his faults he is super caring and sweet. He always knows when I am upset and can cheer me up in an instant. He knows how to make me laugh, he notices little things I do like how I like to make toast and he'll try to make it my way for me. We like watching a lot of the same shows and listening to a lot of the same music. He always likes to cuddle with me, even if it doesn't lead to sex. He does things I like to do, he is willing to suffer through musicals with me. I feel so close to him, like he understands me, like I have finally found someone who I can trust. He loves being with me all the time, we spend all of our time outside of work together. He is the first man I've had an orgasm with during sex (with no help from my hands or a vibe, yay). He likes making cute-sy pet names, like he calls me his cuddle love and his babey babe. He tells me how great I am (even when I don't feel great). He tells me at least a few times every day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. We hardly go a day without sex. I am never unhappy with him unless he is unhappy.

I feel lost and found. I feel like my soulmate has found me. Yet I still feel lost and confused. lost and found.

and now he wants to at least drop his summer classes. Part of me wishes he would suck it up - just the school part. He is always complaining about school and how much b.s. it is and how he doesn't agree with most of his professors and they are all stupid. And I get it, I had a lot of crazy teachers I didn't agree with, but you learn how to get things done and pass even though the teacher sucks and is saying nothing useful. Even if you hate all the reading you get through the class and get it done. He's like "I hate my life" but he has a free ride to a great school and only a year left there (and he has a 3.9 GPA), he has me and an apartment and we haven't ran out of weed since last July. He has an IT job that might lead to a full time position once he graduates. We can afford to go out to eat and take road trips. Sure, I admit neither of us have any real good friends and his family life sucks but those are minor things in my eyes. He says he can't find anything to do, and that always makes him depressed. We have so much to do but he doesn't want to do any of it, he didn't like the prescription anti-depressants, and he won't try any of my suggestions for curing depression like more exercise. I just wish I could make him feel better, it makes me feel like I'm failing and it makes me worry that we won't be together forever. and if he doesn't graduate he will always feel bad about it an he on't be able to find a job, and where will that leave us?

I know that's alot, but I just needed someone to listen. Thanks.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Broken Girls, Strong Women

So it started like this for me:
When I was younger I got curious, and I poked around my lady parts a bit, but nothing felt good so I left it be. It was my first serious boyfriend that gave me my first orgasm (even though I didn't recognize it at the time) and it was he who taught me how to masturbate. During my relationship with him and all the men that followed one issue came up: I wasn't cumming during sex. When I was single and in college, I realized I couldn't let this problem of mine ruin any more relationships.

I got a vibrator and dildos and started exploring. I figured I could "practice" with the dildos, learning what I liked along the way, and then I would be able to navigate better with a real guy. Even though I highly recommend learning about yourself that way, it didn't help at first. The vibrations or outside stimulation always got me off. The only way these toys helped me sex-wise was when I used the little vibrators during sex.

When Andon started masturbating more than normal, I asked why. I asked because I was horny and I felt he was avoiding sex, preferring to masturbate. Then he told me he would never be happy until he made me orgasm during sex. I did with a vibe before, but that was weeks ago. And we've tried many times since then.

First I cried, and then I did some research. I found out only 3 out of 10 women orgasm during sex. I decided to see if I was one of those 3. I tried with a dildo and for the first time did not touch any other part of me - and nothing. Sometimes it would feel really good, but I could not orgasm. I tried until I was sore, nothing worked. I realized that I was like most other women.

For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Or that I wasn't doing it right, not trying hard enough, not skilled enough. I am one of the many women who don't orgasm during sex. But even more than that, I think it is just hard for me to cum during sex. For me, even a helping hand (or a helping vibrator) won't do the trick - I feel so concentrated on trying to cum that I can't feel anything. It's frustrating and disappointing.

But I feel like this is a moment of injustice. I shouldn't feel this way - this is the way my body is meant to feel during sex, I am not broken. Science has shown that women only feel so much of their vaginas; imagine if the vagina were too sensitive, sex may feel good but birthing would not. Usually most of the nerve endings that are inside the vagina rest within the first 4 inches, and many are on the front side of the vagina and a spot called the G spot.

But most people haven't even seen a well made diagram of lady parts, so most people don't know there is more. Because when it comes to females, it is about what you don't see. The Clitoris (or clit) is the lady part that most women get their sexual pleasure from, but most of it is under the surface. The clit would have actually have become a penis if the female had instead have become a male. When a man (or vibe, or hand, or whatever...) is poking around in a lady's vagina, it can also be putting pressure on the clit (yay!) and the bladder (boo).

So really the best way to make a lady cum? Stimulate the part that is meant for pleasure- the clit! Oral is amazing, and I cum within 3 minutes with just a vibe. I can orgasm, jus not like a man.

I am trying to accept this. I still hold out hope that something will change. Andon has been touching my boobs more and making sure I'm more turned on, which is nice. But I also try and get into spots during sex where he'll press against my clit in some way - and I hope one day that will lead to something. Surprise orgasm during sex? Please?!?!

We're also getting into toys and kinks, but more on that later.
Sex is an exploration.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Job Hunting

Usually I don't like to talk about my work on here. But here is the down lo - I have been looking for a job for MONTHS. It's horrible! I have a college Degree, experience, references and am cpr and first aid certified. And what does that get me? The only places hiring won't call me back, I've been told it's because I am OVER QUALIFIED. I don't care if I am over qualified to work as a waitress, I need the money gosh darn it!

And you might say, if you've been looking so long, maybe it's you? It's not me. I blame the economy. But I know it's not me because I have 3 jobs. with no hours. But I still have gotten hired 3 times, and as the lady from unemployment told me, I am not unemployed. This is why our unemployment rating seems lower than it is - they take you off if you are employed even if you have no hours, they take you off if you've been looking longer than six months, and they take you off if you're a student.

But anywho, I got hired today to my third (but not final!) job. I got hired as a free lance writer for a yellow pages type website. I'm going to toodle around on my bike, take pictures of businesses and fill in the information to put in the directories. Sounds pretty cool. But they expect me to do 30 a week, and that seems like a lot. I have school and job hunting, plus I'd like to hang out with my boyfriend...

who, by the way, is super stressed out. I am stressing about school, not having money and not having a job with hours. He is stressing about school mostly - but he is going to the UC and has three jobs with hours. I came in happy to see him, and he was doing homework. So I waited till he was done, and he got naked (good sign) but then he laid down in bed facing the wall (bad sign). I kept asking what's wrong and he finally told me he was having trouble keeping up with the reading and he couldn't finish all his school work. Plus he failed his first Hebrew Quiz. But everything I said made it worse, and he got upset and turned back over. I tried apologizing and talking to him but he closed his eyes and firmly pretended to be asleep. I waited a bit, and then i realized he probably was asleep. or ignoring me. So I turned out the lights and cried as quietly as I could.

I know, I'm emotional, I cry all the time now and it's super annoying.

This morning he left without a word of hello or goodbye. I know he isn't trying to be mean but we are both stressed, why does he have to be a jerk about it?

And I don't know how to help him. He always helps me but I don't know what to do for him and he says there is nothing for me to do to help him. Agh! Frustrating.

I need some work, and I need my boyfriend to be happy again.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Davis, CA

So these last few weeks have been crazy. I promise when things settle down I'll put the stuff from my real journal onto here.

On August 31st, 2010 I became a girl who lives with her boyfriend.


So now I live in Davis with Andon and we are happy. haha. Actually we are stressed as all heck. We are both looking for jobs and not finding any. We got a great roommate named Rick. He plays in a band, works the night shift at a mental hospital, and smokes pot. So that's exciting.

We've got everything moved in and just a few boxes left to unpack. I'm going to night school in the hopes of getting a better job.

The sex has been pretty infrequent. I don't want to say "drying up" though. The problem is I was having some unusual bleeding after every sex session, but I'm on depo so I thought oh maybe it's spotting or something. Then it seemed like I started my period but it was kind of light. And I've been on my period for over two weeks now. We still have sex, don't get me wrong, but no more going down on me which means no orgasms for Sky.

I tried bringing up toys or us both masturbating together because he seems upset about the idea of me going solo. But he did not really take it well. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to orgasm during sex and he can't do it with his fingers so do I just not get any?

We are also stressed and running around like crazy doing little errands and we just don't have enough spare time to have sex. When we finally get home at night, around 10pm, we cuddle and talk for a few minutes and then one of us is horny and the other passes out. Who is horny and who is sleepy kind of switches.

Yesterday we got in a fight about nothing. I wanted to cuddle but he didn't want to. So I got sad. When I came back from the bathroom he is horny and wants to have sex. I'm all for it but I need time to switch from sad to horny mode. He realizes I haven't switched yet, gets upset, and pulls away. I start crying, he leaves the room. I decide not to wait for him to come back for hours like last time and I run out to the kitchen and ask acusingly, "Why do you always leave when I cry?" He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, innocently sipping his coffee.
"I didn't know you were crying."
"Whatever!" I am sobbing and I go right back into the room to cry. I come out a few times and ask him to come into the bedroom when he is ready to talk.
But it's already noon and we said we would be back home at noon so now we're really late. We're going to a music festival that is hours away and it will be over if we don't go soon.
So finally I confront him, tell him what time it is and tell him we can either talk about it in the living room or he can come to the bedroom. Everything I've been feeling all days comes spilling out of my mouth, but he doesn't say anything. He says he doesn't know what to say. I start to cry and he holds me, and we cuddle. I want to have sex. He doesn't.

It is a long quiet and strained drive back home.

We go to our old dealer's house (We haven't found a new one yet) and I say before we go in "we need to get in and get out, no smoking." She has 3 bongs packed and ready to smoke. SO we smoke. An then we have to go to my mom's house and I just try and act normal and get the kayaks to go to the river music festival. But by the time we get there it is already late, only an hour and a half left before the concert ends.

It takes a while to get the kayaks to the water and then to paddle to where the concert is. We get there for the last few seconds of the last song. Then we go back.

We drop everything off at my mom's, drive back to Davis (our new home) and go to his friend's birthday party. No one is drinking much but Andon starts taking shot after shot of bourbon. He wants to get wasted. And he does.

After an hour and a half at the party he is puking in the bathroom. He lays down on their tile floor next to the patio door. I convince him we should go. When I take him to the truck he is crying. I get him home and he wants a shower and ice cubes to suck on. He wants me in the shower too. I sit there with him laying on me, singing him songs as he moans and every once in a while he leans forward and barfs. I get him to bed and he wraps up in all the blankets. Then cries it's too hot. He mumbles a lot about how he can't do anything right. Then he mumbles more and I have no idea what he is saying.

In the morning he is still drunk. He keeps bothering me and I want to sleep. He says when I wake up he wants to have sex. He misses me.

When I do wake up he is no longer drunk but hungover and doesn't feel good. So we cuddle and then decide to smoke so he doesn't feel sick anymore. Then we have sex. And every time we have sex it's amazing. He's amazing. But I think he is still upset I haven't orgasmed during sex. I keep hoping I will but try as I might it just ruins the sex when I make it all about cumming.

He helped me hang stuff around the apartment and then went on a bike ride, and probably back to his friend's house. They are the only people we know in Davis.

I am planning to make a crazy awesome dinner tonight but I don't think he really appreciates how much effort I am putting into it. I asked him cookies or cupcakes and he says "I don't care." Well fuck, if you don't care who does?

I am so glad I have him though. He makes my world, which scares me because if he is gone then everything is gone. But I have to let myself get close, I can't hold back if I want this to work. I love him to death.

I wish we could cuddle and hang out high and naked all day like we did in the summer.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Haven't posted in forever

I know I haven't posted in forever. There comes a time when you have to live your life and stop trying to record it. That said, I still want to keep up this blog.

Andon and I pretty much live together now. We stay at his house, or my house, but we stay together. We always shower together and eat together. I do all the cooking. Right now it's summer, and since we both have work relating to the school year we both are job-free for the summer.

I've started buying more pot, we smoke pretty much every day. I don't want to say we're stoners though because normally we smoke at night and have dinner, have sex and then watch nature documentaries before falling asleep. We wake up around noon and go on bike rides, play tennis, shoot each other with squirt guns, go swimming, biking, listen to or play music. And lately we've been studying languages a lot. We do spanish flashcards when we smoke.

Everything is super great. We are so in love and we have sex all the time, and it's always good and sometimes great. We have some issues but we talk about it when we need to and I get emotional and cry and then we have sex. It's kind of like that. He is perfect for me! I am so happy with him.

We are moving to Davis because he is going to go to UCD in the fall. I'm stressing a bit about finding a job and a room mate. We want these one apartments but we need someone to take the other room. We've been using craigslist for everything, but if you have any other suggestions feel free to comment about them.

When we hang out with people it is mostly his friends because I don't have many. Maria isn't talking to me still, but I try to not think about it. Juliette has moved back but I still don't see her much. And John is in rehab or something again - we haven't talked in months. And an old friend from high school has become my pot dealer so we see her once in a while too.

This is an update kind of thing, but next time I want to post more about the nitty gritty. Like, giving blowjobs and orgasm issues. I wish I updated more because it'd be cool to have a record of me falling in love with him.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A Good Cry

I spent almost two weeks staying at Andon's house. My family is out of town for the week so we decided to stay at my house (I had to take care of the dog and polliwogs anyways).

So yesterday I wake up with this persistent hangover. He said he wanted to see me drunk and he finished his finals so we went out with his friends and I paid for drinks and had two pints of beer and three sex on the beach drinks. We rode our bikes to his place using the creek trail and I was swerving all over the place. We were so drunk, so we fooled around a bit but couldn't really manage sex. When we woke up he wanted to fool around but I was sick. I took something for the headache but he has like nothing to eat at his house and I was trying not to barf everywhere and he kept kissing me. I smoked some pot to help with the nausea and then we fooled around more but I was too sick for sex.

So we got up and got me to work. As we were driving from his house we spot his friend Loranger. Picture blond messy hair and dopey smile, on a bike and probably high. He is homeless and staying at a shelter in my hometown and biked all the way there, so we told him to throw his bike in the back and jump on in the truck. After work they picked me up, they seemed pretty stoned. Sometimes I wish he would wait for me because when I get off work and he is stoned and I'm sober it's not like I'm on the same level and there is no one to smoke with and it feels stupid. But whatever. So we go to his house and get his stuff, and then drive over to my house.

I briefly show Loranger the house and then he bikes back to the shelter. We now have the empty house to ourselves. I take him out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in town and they know me there so they gave us free ice cream. He was super quiet though. We come home and I show him some pictures from my album because I was looking at a picture on the wall and I wanted to show him everything. He seemed not to be paying attention, which is ok because they are my pictures and I can see how that could be boring. So I asked what he wanted to do, and he said sleep.

I was still feeling a little queasy from the hangover. We laid down and then he started rubbing me and kissing me. I wanted to have sex but I felt sick. So I asked if he would mind smoking with me. He said sure but he seemed kind of down. After we smoked we fooled around a bit and then started having sex. It felt amazing. Then my dog started HOWLING. So we got up and shut the door. But then he couldn't get it up again. He said he wasn't in the mood. I asked if something was wrong but he said he was just tired. So we started to go to sleep again but then the rubbing and kissing again and then sex again. And it was amazing again. And we started really going at it and we had to stop and catch our breath. But then he went soft and just got off and said he wanted to sleep.

So now I'm really worried. He keeps saying nothing is wrong. He asks me to believe him. I tell him if nothing is wrong I'll believe him, and I try. And I say I'm disappointed we didn't have more sex. He says that hurts his feelings. I try to explain and he says his feelings aren't hurt anymore but I think they are. We go to sleep without cuddling. I want to cry but I go to sleep.

I wake up with the morning light falling on our faces. I have very vivid dreams. I was dreaming of this pedophile who gave us a giant stuffed bear that he also stuffed his latest dead victim in. And then he sees the kid's cousin, a kid I know from work. And there is this moment of fear. And this is when I start waking up but I can't get those fearful eyes and those little blue bodied dead children out of my head. So I try to think of Andon and I stroke his hair and go back to sleep. This time I dream of our wedding - our imaginary one, obviously. He in a black tux, me in the kind of gown Carrie from Sex in the City wore when she got stood up in the first movie. And I see him clasping his hands in front and smiling at me, looking so handsome. And then I see us dancing and I know he says he can't dance so we practiced before. And the song is Vampire Weekend's Horchata. Because that is king of our song. And Then I picture afterwards him with his pants rolled up, soaking his feet in the lake on the docks drinking a beer. I imagine kissing him. And then I hear him waking up and I wake up. And I have all these lovey feelings for him. I want him to kiss me and hold me and I want to have sex with him because I love our morning sex.

We kiss passionately and he pulls me close. And then he rolls over. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Every time I try to kiss him he rolls over. He doesn't have to leave for over an hour but he says he is just going to go home and have breakfast at his place. I know something is wrong. No sex when we are both awake and have over an hour to spare? And he eats god damned lucky charms at home! He got dressed and when then left in minutes, taking all his stuff with him. The stuff that he packed for staying here for the week. He took with him. The night before he said he would be biking back so how will he carry that all back? Is he coming back? He left quickly and quietly without kissing me.

My stomach was in knots. I knew I would be going crazy all day if I just let him leave without getting something, some reassurance. So I yelled out the window.
"You forgot to give me a kiss!"
"You forgot to kiss me!"
He came back in and kissed me and his lips touching mine sent warmth through my entire body and my heart swelled and reached out but as he drew back I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Is something wrong?"
and he left.

I laid in bed for a while tormenting myself. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Then I watched Private Practice and Castle and ate goldfish because my stomach hurts still. Then he texted me. Exact message: "Hey, I'm feeling better. I think i just wanted to be alone for a bit. cant wait to see you tonight ;)"

This is what I say back (after waiting for an hour):
I'm pretty pissed at you right now. Why did you lie to me? You just made me freak out all night and all morning! How do you think I felt when I try too kiss you in the morning and you roll over and say your just going home? You wouldn't even look at me! And then you kept saying nothing was wrong! I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and I was crying but I felt like an idiot because I wasn't sure if there was something wrong and you were lying or if I just didn't trust you enough. I Love you so much you make me insane!

The crying part was an almost lie. I wrote that because as I was typing out my response I started crying. After I sent it I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I listened to Vampire Weekend which mad me cry more because I think of him. I don't cry very often, and certainly not that long. I guess I really needed to cry. Though I'm not exactly sure what I was crying for. I hate the phrase good cry because crying isn't really good, it sucks. But that cry released a bit of me I think.

So after two hours of no response I send another text:
I'm sorry I text yelled at you. My stomach hurts and I've been crying for hours, I'm exhausted. Sorry. I hope I'll still see you tonight?

But no text back from Andon yet. Crissy said she would meet me a little after noon so we can hang out before I go to work, since I'm feeling kind of down.
If he doesn't text back soon I may go even more crazy. Though I already was angry, and I was already sad so I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend.

Friday, April 30, 2010

humbug mood

I'm in a really humbug mood.

I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.

I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.

But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.

I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.

Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?

But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?

So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.

Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.

I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Spring Break 2010

So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.

At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.

We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.

In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.

Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"

Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.

Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.

They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.

We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.

The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.

I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.

I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.

The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.

One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.

Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.

The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.

When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
He laughs.
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
"Oh, ok"
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.

Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.

In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.

We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.

In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.

We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.

He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.

I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Hey Baby That's Just What I Like

So I haven't updated in a while. I've been getting busy.

And I did something CRAZY.

But I'm not going to tell you yet. You get to hear the story a bit.

So Lesson Exchanging Dick had been texting me, and I had been busy on the days he did that. So then when I got the time I texted him and he said he would be over in an hour. So I jump in the shower and FUCK I started my period. But it's the beginning so I think to myself, he won't notice I'm on the rag if I just wash myself and hope for the best. Then I smoke some pot to loosen up before he gets there.

He comes over and he is hotter than I remembered. Somehow I remembered him like the Doctor Who from the second season but in reality he has darker brown hair and his face is less pointy, but he is skinny with nice abs. I am giggly and awkward because I'm stoned, but he seems calm and kind of smiles at me as I giggle. Apparently he is in AA...awkward. But he seems chill with it and we start making out and I notice the hickey on his neck. It doesn't really bother me but I ask him about it, because I don't want to be the other women. But he said it was from some girl he slept with, and that it was kind of annoying. So I just decided not to ask further and just pretend that he has lots of fuck buddies.

The sex was good and he left, saying he'd call me sometime but I figured it would be the same as before - booty calls only. But that's chill.

But then Andon. Remember him? I had a massive crush on him and then he un-friended me on facebook, best described here in the New years Disappointment.

He sent me a message on facebook about how he wanted to be friends with me again. How it was a big mistake and his ex's friends pressured him into snubbing me. I figure the last thing I sent him was something like "well ok if you don't want to be friends, but btw I had really wanted to do you". So I figure he hasn't had sex since January (when his last girlfriend moved away) and he is now trying to fuck me. Fucking really?

But I'm forgiving and I haven't been able to find anyone else to jam with, and what the hey maybe I'll have sex with him because he is cute and I can keep my emotions separate and not fall for him because last time he was a jerk...right? Right. So I say we can be friends again. And I tell him I won't be calling him, if he wants to hang out he can call me. I won't be going out of my way to make this work. So he texts me right away and I had deleted his number so I didn't know who it was. But he wanted to hang out and play music and I said sure, come by after work. And he did.

He shows up and we talk for a bit and are hella awkward. And he asks if I want to smoke a bowl and I say sure so we do. And then we sit on the couch in silence. being super awkward. And then he says really fast

"Wannamakeout?cuzI'mreallyhornyandI'dliketomakeoutwithyouifyou'dliketo" and he is just sitting perfectly still looking at me saying this.

"uh...sure." and I sit for a moment not moving and then we move towards each other and we are so awkward and stiff I think we'll bump heads but we don't and our lips meet somehow. And then his hand is on my back and it feels nice and everything actually feels nice.

And when we touch I'm not really that nervous anymore because it feels good and I don't have to think about what to say or what I look like because we are kissing and that's all I can think about. I privately wonder at how weird it is that I just had sex the night before with Dick, and I'm on my period, and I'm still thinking about fucking this guy. There goes my jamming buddy. I figure I'll never see him after this. It'll be too awkward.

We somehow move to the bed and I take my shirt off and soon we're naked except for my undies and I tell him I'm on my period but I'll still do him if he doesn't mind the mess. And he doesn't mind the mess. And we start trying to but he can't keep it hard. He says this always happens the first time. He has only slept with two other people, he only lost his virginity a year ago. And I'm thinking fffuuuuccckkkk. This may not be a good idea. and I try everything to get him hard and it seems futile and I feel weird about it and I can't tell how he feels.

Every time he gets hard we put on a condom and he immediately goes soft. I am horny and high and I don't give a damn. I get him hard and ask if we can skip the condom, I'm on the rag so who cares. He says, "Ok, I trust you." And we have some sex. But his dick is small and he doesn't seem to know what to do with me. He moans a lot. So much moaning when I'm barely doing anything! But we fuck all night. But he looks into my eyes and he says my name and he hugs me afterwards and wants to cuddle. and oddly instead of being annoyed with the sweetness I want to hug hug back. It frightens me. And in the morning he and I take a shower to get the blood off and then he tries to go to the bathroom in a towel and runs into my dad. God damn it.

He drops me off at work and about 40 seconds before we get there I ask where we are, as friends.
"Oh, well, I wasn't looking for anything serious." He looks guilty. Just what I thought.
"Either was I. So we're just friends?"
"Well, I mean..."
"I just mean are we allowed to sleep with other people?"
"Yeah, I mean, I won't... but it's your body I'm not going to stop you."
I can't tell if he just can't find anyone else to sleep with, or if he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. Whatever. So done. When I go to get out of his truck he leans in to kiss me.
I hesitate and then kiss him.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Hello folks, sorry I haven't been updating much. I haven't wanted to bore you to death. It's same old same old here.

But anyways, as you may know, I am Wiccan. Which means today is a holiday for me, because today is the first day of spring. Yay spring! So happy Ostara to you!

My 3 yr old brother, Neal, has scarlet fever and had an allergic reaction to the medicine and has hives and skin peeling off his privates and is in an altogether horrid mood. Dean (the 5 yr old brother) fell off his bike and his tooth went through his lip, but he is in a good mood anyways. My dad is in a crappy mood because he has to do taxes.

Anyways...It is friday night/saturday morning and I just came back from another taco night at my co-worker's house. It was nice and very middle age-y. Except I'm in my early twenties so I want to rock out. I wanted to kick it up a notch but of course it hits like ten o'clock and two beers and everyone starts making their way home. Somehow I made plans to go out to a lame looking concert with two of the ladies tonight (as in Saturday night...because it is now Saturday). I am trying to convince them to go to the rocky horror picture show we me afterwards. I will go with or without them. But I went alone last time, I really want someone to go with me this time.

I'm planning the usual fun Ostara family stuff in the morning. I love being Wiccan but sometimes it bums me out when no one knows what Wicca is or I start explaining a holiday like Ostara and they go "oh, basically Easter, right?" and I'm like NO. EASTER IS ABOUT JUSES. FUCK YOU. Well actually that part makes me mad. I get bummed when I feel like I'm the only one though. Like I know other Wiccans but I don't have a coven like I used to so it's not the same.

I haven't been having tons of sex, or any sex actually. I got a bunch of new sex toys so I've been having fun with that. I like the glass dildo way more than I thought I would. But yeah. I went to a party last weekend and I stayed the night and I was naked hot tubbing and being my usual self, but feeling a little awkward because I didn't really know many people there. There was one dude who got me a beer and seemed into me but I kinda like his friend so I was like eeeeh, maybe not. So I just didn't let that go anywhere. Leave doors open for next time.

I've been having such male attention for a while and I didn't get as much at that party so now I feel like I should loose some weight or something. So I've been riding my bike to work once a week - it's about 9 miles each way. Takes me an hour each way. But I've been smoking pot at night and then I get hungry and eat a bunch of sweets and watch Family Guy or Torchwood or Law & Order: Criminal Intent. This is why I have not been updating.

But things will change, because it's spring!