I know I haven't posted in forever. There comes a time when you have to live your life and stop trying to record it. That said, I still want to keep up this blog.
Andon and I pretty much live together now. We stay at his house, or my house, but we stay together. We always shower together and eat together. I do all the cooking. Right now it's summer, and since we both have work relating to the school year we both are job-free for the summer.
I've started buying more pot, we smoke pretty much every day. I don't want to say we're stoners though because normally we smoke at night and have dinner, have sex and then watch nature documentaries before falling asleep. We wake up around noon and go on bike rides, play tennis, shoot each other with squirt guns, go swimming, biking, listen to or play music. And lately we've been studying languages a lot. We do spanish flashcards when we smoke.
Everything is super great. We are so in love and we have sex all the time, and it's always good and sometimes great. We have some issues but we talk about it when we need to and I get emotional and cry and then we have sex. It's kind of like that. He is perfect for me! I am so happy with him.
We are moving to Davis because he is going to go to UCD in the fall. I'm stressing a bit about finding a job and a room mate. We want these one apartments but we need someone to take the other room. We've been using craigslist for everything, but if you have any other suggestions feel free to comment about them.
When we hang out with people it is mostly his friends because I don't have many. Maria isn't talking to me still, but I try to not think about it. Juliette has moved back but I still don't see her much. And John is in rehab or something again - we haven't talked in months. And an old friend from high school has become my pot dealer so we see her once in a while too.
This is an update kind of thing, but next time I want to post more about the nitty gritty. Like, giving blowjobs and orgasm issues. I wish I updated more because it'd be cool to have a record of me falling in love with him.
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Friday, July 23, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
humbug mood
I'm in a really humbug mood.
I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.
I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.
But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.
I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.
Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?
But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?
So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.
Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.
I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.
I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.
I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.
But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.
I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.
Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?
But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?
So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.
Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.
I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Past Two Weeks
For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.
The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.
The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.
Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.
I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.
The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.
The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.
The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.
Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.
I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.
The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
John
This post is for John.
He called me this morning. He said he is still friends with me, why wouldn't he be. and he just asked that Lynn and I stop fighting - and he said they arn't dating. Whatever. I'm going to try to stop by his work today.
But he said he was going to read the blog. This makes me nervous. Everything on here is truthful but it's weird having someone I know read it, especially because of the subject matter and the fact that he is the subject matter sometimes.
So John, if you are reading this...weird.
And for you other folks, I will have two very interesting posts sometime today or tomorrow. It's been a weird weekend.
He called me this morning. He said he is still friends with me, why wouldn't he be. and he just asked that Lynn and I stop fighting - and he said they arn't dating. Whatever. I'm going to try to stop by his work today.
But he said he was going to read the blog. This makes me nervous. Everything on here is truthful but it's weird having someone I know read it, especially because of the subject matter and the fact that he is the subject matter sometimes.
So John, if you are reading this...weird.
And for you other folks, I will have two very interesting posts sometime today or tomorrow. It's been a weird weekend.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Bad way to start the day
So of course someone found out about this website and I shall give you an exact transcript. This marks the day I started using code names instead of real names, btw.
Lynn
theres a reason why John doesnt answer your phone calls...its because you annoy the hell out of him and he loves me ....stop posting shit online about how you think he wants to have sex with you hes not interested in you get it through your big head...you are hella delusional ...you are very two faced thats not a good quality to have ...if all you have to write about online is my boyfriend then thats sad get a life...stop trying to be a home wrecker you assface...also stop talking about Johns drug use online that shits just not right let him have some fucking dignity....you would have a better sex life if your personality wasnt so ugly....
Sky
Lynn, I am guessing from this that you found my website. It's anonymous and if he wanted I could change his name on there. And obviously my sex life is fine. When I wrote that John wasn't dating you and the only reason I thought he wanted to have sex with me is because he asked to have sex with me. We've been talking about having a threesome for years, before he even knew you. I wouldn't do anything with John while he is dating someone. I'm not in love with John and I don't want to date John. We've always been friends.
If John thinks that about me he should get some balls and tell me. I call because he is my friend. If he doesn't want to be friends he should tell me. I figured he stopped calling because he always stops calling when you two are dating.
And I'm not two faced, I'm honest. Look who sweet talks me one second and then sends me nasty messages the next?
Lynn
im not sweet talking you i was trying to be your friend you have no interest in being friends with me your just trying to get close with john... you would feel the same way if you thought someone was trying to be your friend too and then you found out all that shit...its just lame i'm tired of trying with you dude....you should just get all of that crap out of your head ...its not going to happen dear
Lynn
also john doesnt call you not cause hes with me ...he doesnt call you because "your not a cool person"....direct quote
Sky
I would like to be frinds with you but every time I try you think i am trying to make a move on John and you get hella jealous! if he loves you nothing will ever happen with me so why are you worried? I will NEVER do anything with him while he is dating someone. the only reason I wanted to have sex with him he is because i've been experimenting and its nice to do with someone you trust, and he was SINGLE and HE ASKED TO. I didn't even bring it up! He did! I don't find him attractive - I just like his personality. and I like yours. Why can't you accept that?
Sky
and like i said, if he thinks that about me he should call and tell me.
Lynn
Johns not that rude
Sky
it's not being rude - it's being honest
Lynn
theres a reason why John doesnt answer your phone calls...its because you annoy the hell out of him and he loves me ....stop posting shit online about how you think he wants to have sex with you hes not interested in you get it through your big head...you are hella delusional ...you are very two faced thats not a good quality to have ...if all you have to write about online is my boyfriend then thats sad get a life...stop trying to be a home wrecker you assface...also stop talking about Johns drug use online that shits just not right let him have some fucking dignity....you would have a better sex life if your personality wasnt so ugly....
Sky
Lynn, I am guessing from this that you found my website. It's anonymous and if he wanted I could change his name on there. And obviously my sex life is fine. When I wrote that John wasn't dating you and the only reason I thought he wanted to have sex with me is because he asked to have sex with me. We've been talking about having a threesome for years, before he even knew you. I wouldn't do anything with John while he is dating someone. I'm not in love with John and I don't want to date John. We've always been friends.
If John thinks that about me he should get some balls and tell me. I call because he is my friend. If he doesn't want to be friends he should tell me. I figured he stopped calling because he always stops calling when you two are dating.
And I'm not two faced, I'm honest. Look who sweet talks me one second and then sends me nasty messages the next?
Lynn
im not sweet talking you i was trying to be your friend you have no interest in being friends with me your just trying to get close with john... you would feel the same way if you thought someone was trying to be your friend too and then you found out all that shit...its just lame i'm tired of trying with you dude....you should just get all of that crap out of your head ...its not going to happen dear
Lynn
also john doesnt call you not cause hes with me ...he doesnt call you because "your not a cool person"....direct quote
Sky
I would like to be frinds with you but every time I try you think i am trying to make a move on John and you get hella jealous! if he loves you nothing will ever happen with me so why are you worried? I will NEVER do anything with him while he is dating someone. the only reason I wanted to have sex with him he is because i've been experimenting and its nice to do with someone you trust, and he was SINGLE and HE ASKED TO. I didn't even bring it up! He did! I don't find him attractive - I just like his personality. and I like yours. Why can't you accept that?
Sky
and like i said, if he thinks that about me he should call and tell me.
Lynn
Johns not that rude
Sky
it's not being rude - it's being honest
Monday, January 25, 2010
What's wrong with me?
Tonight I have been making conclusions, and I have been thinking.
1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.
So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.
John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?
I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.
1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.
So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.
John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?
I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Private parts
I decide to give myself a break. from the mundane, from life.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:
We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.
Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.
So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:
We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.
Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.
So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Fucking Fridays
I hate fuckin friday nights. Because I am almost never fucking, and that is what I would really rather be doing.
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.
Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.
I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.
Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.
I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Up down and all around
I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.
I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.
She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.
It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...
There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.
Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.
Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!
I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.
"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"
We line up.
"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.
The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.
I drove home and it was quiet.
I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.
My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.
I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.
She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.
It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...
There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.
Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.
Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!
I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.
"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"
We line up.
"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.
The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.
I drove home and it was quiet.
I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.
My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.
Monday, January 18, 2010
When I forget, you remind me
The party wasn't going to happen and I was watching Numb3rs, comfortably in my bed when I get a text.
Oh god, I hope it isn't the HS dude again, he already tried the booty call thing and I turned him down.
But no, it's Be. She just got off work - it's 3 in the morning. She wants to come over and drink.
She comes in and I hug her. She has been dying her hair since she was twelve and right now it's a dark red, almost purple. Maybe it's a brown red. She has pale skin and her blue eyes shine. She is a little taller than me, skinny with wide hips and pouty lips. She is wearing a purple plaid shirt and a green leather jacket. She comes in talking quickly, cigarette in one hand and pulling her phone out of her beige purse.
"You wouldn't believe - my mother, she came to my work tonight. And I was like what the fuck am I supposed to do, but she's my mom right? So she comes to my work and tells me this guy, she's been staying in his garage, he beat her up. So she's staying in this guy's garage, you know Christopher - his mom had a stroke or something but she can talk. So she is staying in his garage and sometimes she calls me and tells me like 'oh the garage is cold can I crawl into your window?' and she's my mother, right? But what can I do? I want to help her, but really I don't want her to come in. My dad wouldn't want her in. I was supposed to see her Christmas eve and my dad kept telling me to not make her problems my problems, ya know? He was worried but I didn't go to see her. But it was like Christmas eve, and he didn't want me to be upset, but she's my mother. She sent me this text like 'oh I don't want to be a burden' but like she's totally being a burden and she said ' oh I'll just go and I'll borrow your jeans' and I'm like dude, those are my jeans, and she won't even fit in them. Right? But whatever dude. She is homeless an' stuff but she looks good, she's been having three meals a day and shit. At work the security guy was like 'Be, you're mom's here' and I was like fuck. she had these bruises all on her arms and she told me the guy beat her up. she was gonna stay in my car for a bit. and the whole time I was working I was hella stressing out. Like I want to help her but what can I do? But she's my mom and I feel bad, cuz I don't call her all the time or anything. But she left before I got out and I was kinda relieved, ya know?"
She goes on like this for a while. We make our way over to the booze.
I bought a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum, Smirnoff's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey.
"I fuckin' hate whiskey" Be grabs the rum.
She's brought her own chaser, a big thing of Pepsi. She drinks straight from the rum bottle. Some rum, some soda. Rum soda, soda rum. She grimaces when she drinks it, like I know I do.
I pour a small glass of Orange juice and add some vodka. I sit down with her and we drink. I tell her about Andon; she thinks it's shady that he has a girlfriend that he isn't that committed to. We go outside so she can smoke. She tells me she has had sex with four guys, but one guy in New York almost had sex with her but they didn't have a condom so they just fooled around.
"He wanted to stick it in and he was like 'oh I'll pull out' and all that shit but I'm not stupid, I know about pre-cum, so I said you ain't stickin' that thing in me" she waved her finger around as she said it.
Be is comforting in a way, because we are fucked up in similar ways. She is usually loud and inappropriate, which I can be too. When I'm drinking that gets worse, but I swear it gets better for her. Or maybe it's when she smokes pot is gets better.
"Hey Sky, you want the Mary Jane?"
She pulls out a pipe that has a very angular shape. We smoke. She doesn't have the best quality weed, but it is free and I am a light weight. I am very stoned. Be has drank quite a bit of rum very quickly. I know I'm not finishing my drink tonight. I take some pictures of her, she has always been very photogenic. We are being goofy. But at this point the pot takes over and I'm having one of those body highs and I can't really talk so mostly I just nod and sometimes I can understand her but most of the time I am spacing out and I have no idea what she is talking about. I smile and look interested. She is venting mostly. I think? I want to draw her but I don't really want to move my limbs.
"You look cross eyed"
It's 6 in the morning, I can't keep my eyes open.
She goes out for another cigarette, I want to sleep. Instead I clean up the glasses, put away the booze. She sounds like she wants to take the party up a notch but I want to go to bed.
I lay down as she comes in. She wants to drive home but I ask her to crawl into bed with me. We both sleep in all of our clothes.
We wake up around 3 in the afternoon.
We decide to go out for breakfast.
We go to a dinner that serves gigantic proportions. We get biscuits and gravy with eggs, sausage and hash browns. She gets a giant orange juice and I get hot chocolate and a giant water. When we talk she laughs louder than necessary and she cusses a lot. When I am around her I cuss more.
When we leave she says something about the sex shop in town, and I say I've never been to it. She yanks the car quickly to the other lane and turns sharply so we can go to the shop. It has all sorts of dildos, dolls, books, lubes, costumes, ect. It is rather large. It surprised me. They have a book that has pick up lines and sex talk in many different languages. I've been wondering how to talk about sex in Spanish. They have a giant dildo that is bigger than my hand. And little those little balls that you stick in your vagina for vagina exercise but they vibrate when you clench and the sales lady says she wears them during the day, just like around town and stuff. I wonder if she has them in right now. I'm defiantly coming back some time.
Be gives me a brand new pair of converses. Wow. I am surprised because she doesn't do that very often. They are so awesome, I need to get some jeans to wear with them.
When I get home I can't imagine staying inside. I tell my mom I am going to see John and I go back to my hometown. Really I can't get ahold of John. I stop by his work just to be sure and he isn't there. I text Maria and Sadie but neither answer. So I go downtown and walk around. I sit in my secret spot and sing to myself and drink the bitter tea I bought. Then I go to listen to the street musicians on the corner. One is cute. Grungy but cute, with a lip piercing. I like piercings.
He plays the banjo and his friend plays the guitar and they sing in a very blues or country kind of way. They look like punks though. They are 19, from two towns up. They will be here tomorrow too. I talk to the cute one. I like him. He is very nice. He has those eyes that are saying something. I want to do him. His name is Javier. I tell him I used to hang out here more, even though I don't look it. I'm wearing my hair in a bun, dark red lipstick, glasses and a black dress with flats and a button up coat. I know I look like a librarian or something. He says they are just clothes. He says they are saving to hitch hike to Santa Cruz. I tell him my friends do that sometimes, and I drop Maria's name. He knows her. He seems surprised I know her. Instant credit, I love her for this - everyone knows her. He went to the bluegrass festival I went to a while back. He used to listen to punk but now he is into folk. We are both hung over. We smile.
It's been raining all day. He has strep throat. He is going to walk to somewhere to crash with his friend. He asks if he will see me tomorrow. I say maybe. As I am leaving he asks for my number. yyeessssss. I give it to him and he calls me so I can save his number. He shakes my hand twice as we say goodbye. I like him.
I drive home happy. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. When I get home the fire place is warm. I grab the dog leash and go out into the rain with our dog Hank. We run around for an hour, me singing to the darkness with my ipod on shuffle. I laugh as we run, my glasses are fogging and covered in stars and diamond in the form of rain. I can't see anything. I'm still in my little dress.
Now I'm home, it's late. My day has been great. When I despair and I forget what a wonderful life I have, I am reminded. I get little reminders. People who love me, cute boys, tomorrows to look forward to. Beautiful brilliant gifts thrown at me. I hope tomorrow is as good as I think it will be.
Oh god, I hope it isn't the HS dude again, he already tried the booty call thing and I turned him down.
But no, it's Be. She just got off work - it's 3 in the morning. She wants to come over and drink.
She comes in and I hug her. She has been dying her hair since she was twelve and right now it's a dark red, almost purple. Maybe it's a brown red. She has pale skin and her blue eyes shine. She is a little taller than me, skinny with wide hips and pouty lips. She is wearing a purple plaid shirt and a green leather jacket. She comes in talking quickly, cigarette in one hand and pulling her phone out of her beige purse.
"You wouldn't believe - my mother, she came to my work tonight. And I was like what the fuck am I supposed to do, but she's my mom right? So she comes to my work and tells me this guy, she's been staying in his garage, he beat her up. So she's staying in this guy's garage, you know Christopher - his mom had a stroke or something but she can talk. So she is staying in his garage and sometimes she calls me and tells me like 'oh the garage is cold can I crawl into your window?' and she's my mother, right? But what can I do? I want to help her, but really I don't want her to come in. My dad wouldn't want her in. I was supposed to see her Christmas eve and my dad kept telling me to not make her problems my problems, ya know? He was worried but I didn't go to see her. But it was like Christmas eve, and he didn't want me to be upset, but she's my mother. She sent me this text like 'oh I don't want to be a burden' but like she's totally being a burden and she said ' oh I'll just go and I'll borrow your jeans' and I'm like dude, those are my jeans, and she won't even fit in them. Right? But whatever dude. She is homeless an' stuff but she looks good, she's been having three meals a day and shit. At work the security guy was like 'Be, you're mom's here' and I was like fuck. she had these bruises all on her arms and she told me the guy beat her up. she was gonna stay in my car for a bit. and the whole time I was working I was hella stressing out. Like I want to help her but what can I do? But she's my mom and I feel bad, cuz I don't call her all the time or anything. But she left before I got out and I was kinda relieved, ya know?"
She goes on like this for a while. We make our way over to the booze.
I bought a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum, Smirnoff's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey.
"I fuckin' hate whiskey" Be grabs the rum.
She's brought her own chaser, a big thing of Pepsi. She drinks straight from the rum bottle. Some rum, some soda. Rum soda, soda rum. She grimaces when she drinks it, like I know I do.
I pour a small glass of Orange juice and add some vodka. I sit down with her and we drink. I tell her about Andon; she thinks it's shady that he has a girlfriend that he isn't that committed to. We go outside so she can smoke. She tells me she has had sex with four guys, but one guy in New York almost had sex with her but they didn't have a condom so they just fooled around.
"He wanted to stick it in and he was like 'oh I'll pull out' and all that shit but I'm not stupid, I know about pre-cum, so I said you ain't stickin' that thing in me" she waved her finger around as she said it.
Be is comforting in a way, because we are fucked up in similar ways. She is usually loud and inappropriate, which I can be too. When I'm drinking that gets worse, but I swear it gets better for her. Or maybe it's when she smokes pot is gets better.
"Hey Sky, you want the Mary Jane?"
She pulls out a pipe that has a very angular shape. We smoke. She doesn't have the best quality weed, but it is free and I am a light weight. I am very stoned. Be has drank quite a bit of rum very quickly. I know I'm not finishing my drink tonight. I take some pictures of her, she has always been very photogenic. We are being goofy. But at this point the pot takes over and I'm having one of those body highs and I can't really talk so mostly I just nod and sometimes I can understand her but most of the time I am spacing out and I have no idea what she is talking about. I smile and look interested. She is venting mostly. I think? I want to draw her but I don't really want to move my limbs.
"You look cross eyed"
It's 6 in the morning, I can't keep my eyes open.
She goes out for another cigarette, I want to sleep. Instead I clean up the glasses, put away the booze. She sounds like she wants to take the party up a notch but I want to go to bed.
I lay down as she comes in. She wants to drive home but I ask her to crawl into bed with me. We both sleep in all of our clothes.
We wake up around 3 in the afternoon.
We decide to go out for breakfast.
We go to a dinner that serves gigantic proportions. We get biscuits and gravy with eggs, sausage and hash browns. She gets a giant orange juice and I get hot chocolate and a giant water. When we talk she laughs louder than necessary and she cusses a lot. When I am around her I cuss more.
When we leave she says something about the sex shop in town, and I say I've never been to it. She yanks the car quickly to the other lane and turns sharply so we can go to the shop. It has all sorts of dildos, dolls, books, lubes, costumes, ect. It is rather large. It surprised me. They have a book that has pick up lines and sex talk in many different languages. I've been wondering how to talk about sex in Spanish. They have a giant dildo that is bigger than my hand. And little those little balls that you stick in your vagina for vagina exercise but they vibrate when you clench and the sales lady says she wears them during the day, just like around town and stuff. I wonder if she has them in right now. I'm defiantly coming back some time.
Be gives me a brand new pair of converses. Wow. I am surprised because she doesn't do that very often. They are so awesome, I need to get some jeans to wear with them.
When I get home I can't imagine staying inside. I tell my mom I am going to see John and I go back to my hometown. Really I can't get ahold of John. I stop by his work just to be sure and he isn't there. I text Maria and Sadie but neither answer. So I go downtown and walk around. I sit in my secret spot and sing to myself and drink the bitter tea I bought. Then I go to listen to the street musicians on the corner. One is cute. Grungy but cute, with a lip piercing. I like piercings.
He plays the banjo and his friend plays the guitar and they sing in a very blues or country kind of way. They look like punks though. They are 19, from two towns up. They will be here tomorrow too. I talk to the cute one. I like him. He is very nice. He has those eyes that are saying something. I want to do him. His name is Javier. I tell him I used to hang out here more, even though I don't look it. I'm wearing my hair in a bun, dark red lipstick, glasses and a black dress with flats and a button up coat. I know I look like a librarian or something. He says they are just clothes. He says they are saving to hitch hike to Santa Cruz. I tell him my friends do that sometimes, and I drop Maria's name. He knows her. He seems surprised I know her. Instant credit, I love her for this - everyone knows her. He went to the bluegrass festival I went to a while back. He used to listen to punk but now he is into folk. We are both hung over. We smile.
It's been raining all day. He has strep throat. He is going to walk to somewhere to crash with his friend. He asks if he will see me tomorrow. I say maybe. As I am leaving he asks for my number. yyeessssss. I give it to him and he calls me so I can save his number. He shakes my hand twice as we say goodbye. I like him.
I drive home happy. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. When I get home the fire place is warm. I grab the dog leash and go out into the rain with our dog Hank. We run around for an hour, me singing to the darkness with my ipod on shuffle. I laugh as we run, my glasses are fogging and covered in stars and diamond in the form of rain. I can't see anything. I'm still in my little dress.
Now I'm home, it's late. My day has been great. When I despair and I forget what a wonderful life I have, I am reminded. I get little reminders. People who love me, cute boys, tomorrows to look forward to. Beautiful brilliant gifts thrown at me. I hope tomorrow is as good as I think it will be.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
No one is Coming
I've been planning this party.
I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.
As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.
Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.
No one is Coming.
And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.
Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.
I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.
I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.
As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.
Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.
No one is Coming.
And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.
Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.
I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
edit
I am unconscious.
[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.
But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.
Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.
I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.
We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.
Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.
I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.
"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.
As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.
Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.
The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.
I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.
Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.
[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.
But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.
Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.
I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.
We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.
Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.
I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.
"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.
As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.
Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.
The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.
I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.
Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Years Resolutions?
So John came over for the eve and I was feeling less dramatic than when I posted so we talked and had a good time. I was in the middle of my wonderful Berlin/Amsterdam story when the New Years came and went, and we never noticed. He said the story was epic, perfect way to end a decade.
"What are your new years resolutions?" He asked.
"Hmmm" I hadn't thought about it yet. "Have an orgasm during sex"
"Penetration?"
"Yeah."
"That's a fucking good resolution."
"Yeah, that is a FUCKING good resolution" He said. "Oh, no pun intended!"
"uh-huh"
"That's cool though. I'm sure it will come to you. no pun intended"
We both just laughed.
So it was. He went home around 2am, with promises of playing music together and hanging out more. Told me he would call me. After he left I pondered for a moment. He had brought up the having a threesome thing again. Good idea or no?
So I go on-line today and decide to see what May is doing. May was friends with me in High School; I remember she came onto me once when I was sleeping over at her house, but I had a boyfriend (Drew) and was weirded out and slightly turned on by the incident. Oddly enough she is the first person I called when I needed someone to hold me after Drew confessed he had been cheating on me with everyone. But anyways she came back in town for the holidays and I want her and John to go to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with me. But she is busy. I turn the subject to lady parts - as in, I always wanted to have sex with a lady, how do you do that?
Our Convo:
May
do you masturbate?
not so different
I mean practice makes perfect
and then there's oral
that can be scary
but to start with
fingering is great
Sky
do you use vibrators or anything with each other?
May
don't know how you feel about toys, I don't
you can
not usually vibrators, just dildos
Sky
do you do strap ons?
May
not me
I've never been with anyone that does
it's not super common
Sky
are what girls like done to them very different, or is all pretty much the same?
May
hmmm
ok
well in the vanilla community (non-BDSM)
it's pretty similar
Sky
i know what vanilla is silly
May
well some people don't
ahah
a lot of people don't actually
but Yay!
um so
in the vanilla community, it's pretty similar
I mean there are small variations like in anything else
some women have a hard time getting to climax and you have to start quickly and slow down
other women are opposite
but that's stuff you learn throughout a relationship
Sky
yeah
May
some women like certain things in foreplay
nipples are really good for some and too much or useless for others
really depends
just have to read reactions
Sky
weird, i thought everyone liked the nipples thing
May
most
for some women it's really good like helps in orgasm
for some women, they're so sensitive it can hurt
or it's too overwhelming during orgasm
or it's exactly the trigger they need for orgasm
women are certainly more complex to bring to orgasm than men
Sky
yeah
May
but ok
basics wise
I mean it's very similar to masturbating
start with some foreplay
move on to the clit
sometimes you stay there
but usually you want to alternate between clit and vaginal penetration
if you're good with both hands clitoral and vaginal simultaneously is really good
Sky
yeah
May
if you're doing oral, then you use your tongue and teeth for the clit
and your dominant hand for vaginal penetration nd G-spot stimulation
it also helps (here's a trick) to push your chin lightly against her stomach just over the G-spot while you finger her
it increases stimulation and makes orgasm easier
Sky
wow
May
oh and I have found
that circles is much better than in-out thrust motion
circles are the trick
Sky
I'll remember that
May
haha I may have just given you way more info than you wanted
sorry
Sky
no way man
if you remember how horny i was in high school, triple that
i am more dirty than you probably
May
hahaha
omg
we should hang out
haha
Sky
we so should
lol
May
I love sex
Sky
me too
SO subject turns to BDSM, as in I ask how vanilla are you. Because these are my New Years Resolutions:
1. Have orgasm during vaginal penetrative sex, without using a toy or my hands
2. Have sex with a lady
3. Experiment more with BDSM (I'm a sub)
4. Have a 3, 4 or more some
5. Run a under 10 minute mile
6. Write a song by myself
7. Read all the books in my bookcase
8. Be debt free
So four are sexual, four not. Pretty even. I'm happy with it. But that brings us back to May - she is looking for someone to experiment with. So I say "too bad you're not single. I'm looking for a dom."
and she was like "I'm looking for a sub. I'm worried about the distance though, since you live here. I'm going to have a talk with my girl, I'm hoping we aren't monogamous."
"Well in that case I can just come down to visit you when I have time off"
"We need to keep in touch"
"We do"
DAMN MY LIFE IS AWESOME.
So I call John to see if he wants to go to the show tonight but he is undecided. I tell him about Maybe May and tell him to keep it a secret because it is a maybe after all. He is like damn, too bad she is a lesbian or we could all three do something. Oh damn.
"You still want to do a three some? We've talked about it a lot but we were always drunk."
"Yeah, I do want to. I've just always *mumble mumble*."
"Well in that case I'll look around for someone. It can't be that hard, what with the luck I've been having."
DAMN. This might make life awkward for John and I, though. We've been good friend for a long time. But I've kinda wanted a friend with benefits for a while. HMMMMMM.
I need to get rid of this cough and get busy. 2010 is going to be FUCKING awesome.
"What are your new years resolutions?" He asked.
"Hmmm" I hadn't thought about it yet. "Have an orgasm during sex"
"Penetration?"
"Yeah."
"That's a fucking good resolution."
"Yeah, that is a FUCKING good resolution" He said. "Oh, no pun intended!"
"uh-huh"
"That's cool though. I'm sure it will come to you. no pun intended"
We both just laughed.
So it was. He went home around 2am, with promises of playing music together and hanging out more. Told me he would call me. After he left I pondered for a moment. He had brought up the having a threesome thing again. Good idea or no?
So I go on-line today and decide to see what May is doing. May was friends with me in High School; I remember she came onto me once when I was sleeping over at her house, but I had a boyfriend (Drew) and was weirded out and slightly turned on by the incident. Oddly enough she is the first person I called when I needed someone to hold me after Drew confessed he had been cheating on me with everyone. But anyways she came back in town for the holidays and I want her and John to go to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with me. But she is busy. I turn the subject to lady parts - as in, I always wanted to have sex with a lady, how do you do that?
Our Convo:
May
do you masturbate?
not so different
I mean practice makes perfect
and then there's oral
that can be scary
but to start with
fingering is great
Sky
do you use vibrators or anything with each other?
May
don't know how you feel about toys, I don't
you can
not usually vibrators, just dildos
Sky
do you do strap ons?
May
not me
I've never been with anyone that does
it's not super common
Sky
are what girls like done to them very different, or is all pretty much the same?
May
hmmm
ok
well in the vanilla community (non-BDSM)
it's pretty similar
Sky
i know what vanilla is silly
May
well some people don't
ahah
a lot of people don't actually
but Yay!
um so
in the vanilla community, it's pretty similar
I mean there are small variations like in anything else
some women have a hard time getting to climax and you have to start quickly and slow down
other women are opposite
but that's stuff you learn throughout a relationship
Sky
yeah
May
some women like certain things in foreplay
nipples are really good for some and too much or useless for others
really depends
just have to read reactions
Sky
weird, i thought everyone liked the nipples thing
May
most
for some women it's really good like helps in orgasm
for some women, they're so sensitive it can hurt
or it's too overwhelming during orgasm
or it's exactly the trigger they need for orgasm
women are certainly more complex to bring to orgasm than men
Sky
yeah
May
but ok
basics wise
I mean it's very similar to masturbating
start with some foreplay
move on to the clit
sometimes you stay there
but usually you want to alternate between clit and vaginal penetration
if you're good with both hands clitoral and vaginal simultaneously is really good
Sky
yeah
May
if you're doing oral, then you use your tongue and teeth for the clit
and your dominant hand for vaginal penetration nd G-spot stimulation
it also helps (here's a trick) to push your chin lightly against her stomach just over the G-spot while you finger her
it increases stimulation and makes orgasm easier
Sky
wow
May
oh and I have found
that circles is much better than in-out thrust motion
circles are the trick
Sky
I'll remember that
May
haha I may have just given you way more info than you wanted
sorry
Sky
no way man
if you remember how horny i was in high school, triple that
i am more dirty than you probably
May
hahaha
omg
we should hang out
haha
Sky
we so should
lol
May
I love sex
Sky
me too
SO subject turns to BDSM, as in I ask how vanilla are you. Because these are my New Years Resolutions:
1. Have orgasm during vaginal penetrative sex, without using a toy or my hands
2. Have sex with a lady
3. Experiment more with BDSM (I'm a sub)
4. Have a 3, 4 or more some
5. Run a under 10 minute mile
6. Write a song by myself
7. Read all the books in my bookcase
8. Be debt free
So four are sexual, four not. Pretty even. I'm happy with it. But that brings us back to May - she is looking for someone to experiment with. So I say "too bad you're not single. I'm looking for a dom."
and she was like "I'm looking for a sub. I'm worried about the distance though, since you live here. I'm going to have a talk with my girl, I'm hoping we aren't monogamous."
"Well in that case I can just come down to visit you when I have time off"
"We need to keep in touch"
"We do"
DAMN MY LIFE IS AWESOME.
So I call John to see if he wants to go to the show tonight but he is undecided. I tell him about Maybe May and tell him to keep it a secret because it is a maybe after all. He is like damn, too bad she is a lesbian or we could all three do something. Oh damn.
"You still want to do a three some? We've talked about it a lot but we were always drunk."
"Yeah, I do want to. I've just always *mumble mumble*."
"Well in that case I'll look around for someone. It can't be that hard, what with the luck I've been having."
DAMN. This might make life awkward for John and I, though. We've been good friend for a long time. But I've kinda wanted a friend with benefits for a while. HMMMMMM.
I need to get rid of this cough and get busy. 2010 is going to be FUCKING awesome.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
New Years Eve 2009
I am such an idiot.
So I wrote this song about how much I want this guy to like me and I want him to make a move on me and how I was confused and I actually say "I want to pull you into me" in the song. And then Andon, the guy I wrote the song about, offers to help me write it.
So he came over today and we spent hours playing music. Then we got to work on the song and it was great and it came so easily and we recorded it (even though I have a cold). And it sounds really good and I am so excited because one of my goals was to write and record a song this year, and now I have and I'm putting it on last fm and I am so excited. He is so cute and comes in a button up shirt and those nerdy black glasses and he has two piercings, one on his nose and one on his lip and then an ear piercing that is slightly gauged and he has this curly dark hair and I love his smile and I like watching his hands move. Fo some reason the thing a guy could do that would most turn me on is play an instrument. Watching his hands and hearing the music I close my eyes and let it fill me.
Then he goes "Oh shit, it's after nine?"
"…yeah"
"I was supposed to be somewhere at nine."
"Oh."
"My ex and I just got back together…"
My head swirls and I get smaller. oh.
The whole night I have been watching him play, watching him smile, singing this song with him. And I thought he liked me. Like liked me liked me. He said things like "I like listening to music with you" and we just sat and listened to music for a while. He is so easy to hang out with! And we wrote a song together! And he is cute! Really cute!
oooo, Epic Fail.
My life is like this. So he leaves and I feel hurt and disappointed and it is 10 on new years eve. And I have no plans. This was my plan. As he left he said he would invite me to the party he was going to but his girlfriend was already jealous of me. epic fail fail fail. I am so stupid. SO stupid.
So I have two options:
1. Get blindly drunk at the nearest bar and maybe go home with a stranger.
2. Call friends and desperately hope someone is free to hang out or have me join them in their evening fun.
So I think about riding my bike downtown, getting arrested later for drunk on ze bike driving, how no one cool goes to the bars here (it is a very small town).
Then I call John. He calls me back immediately. I tell him I am sad. I want to hang out. He sounds tired from work. He has to work in the morning. I ask him to come over. He will. He will call me back in 15 he says. My Internet goes on and off. My night goes on and off. I want to cry on his shoulders and I want to smile and pretend nothing is wrong.
So I wrote this song about how much I want this guy to like me and I want him to make a move on me and how I was confused and I actually say "I want to pull you into me" in the song. And then Andon, the guy I wrote the song about, offers to help me write it.
So he came over today and we spent hours playing music. Then we got to work on the song and it was great and it came so easily and we recorded it (even though I have a cold). And it sounds really good and I am so excited because one of my goals was to write and record a song this year, and now I have and I'm putting it on last fm and I am so excited. He is so cute and comes in a button up shirt and those nerdy black glasses and he has two piercings, one on his nose and one on his lip and then an ear piercing that is slightly gauged and he has this curly dark hair and I love his smile and I like watching his hands move. Fo some reason the thing a guy could do that would most turn me on is play an instrument. Watching his hands and hearing the music I close my eyes and let it fill me.
Then he goes "Oh shit, it's after nine?"
"…yeah"
"I was supposed to be somewhere at nine."
"Oh."
"My ex and I just got back together…"
My head swirls and I get smaller. oh.
The whole night I have been watching him play, watching him smile, singing this song with him. And I thought he liked me. Like liked me liked me. He said things like "I like listening to music with you" and we just sat and listened to music for a while. He is so easy to hang out with! And we wrote a song together! And he is cute! Really cute!
oooo, Epic Fail.
My life is like this. So he leaves and I feel hurt and disappointed and it is 10 on new years eve. And I have no plans. This was my plan. As he left he said he would invite me to the party he was going to but his girlfriend was already jealous of me. epic fail fail fail. I am so stupid. SO stupid.
So I have two options:
1. Get blindly drunk at the nearest bar and maybe go home with a stranger.
2. Call friends and desperately hope someone is free to hang out or have me join them in their evening fun.
So I think about riding my bike downtown, getting arrested later for drunk on ze bike driving, how no one cool goes to the bars here (it is a very small town).
Then I call John. He calls me back immediately. I tell him I am sad. I want to hang out. He sounds tired from work. He has to work in the morning. I ask him to come over. He will. He will call me back in 15 he says. My Internet goes on and off. My night goes on and off. I want to cry on his shoulders and I want to smile and pretend nothing is wrong.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I think I lost a friend
I am having a really rough day.
I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.
So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:
"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "
I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.
Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.
But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.
I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.
I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.
So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:
"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "
I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.
Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.
But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.
I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.
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