A Good Cry

I spent almost two weeks staying at Andon's house. My family is out of town for the week so we decided to stay at my house (I had to take care of the dog and polliwogs anyways).

So yesterday I wake up with this persistent hangover. He said he wanted to see me drunk and he finished his finals so we went out with his friends and I paid for drinks and had two pints of beer and three sex on the beach drinks. We rode our bikes to his place using the creek trail and I was swerving all over the place. We were so drunk, so we fooled around a bit but couldn't really manage sex. When we woke up he wanted to fool around but I was sick. I took something for the headache but he has like nothing to eat at his house and I was trying not to barf everywhere and he kept kissing me. I smoked some pot to help with the nausea and then we fooled around more but I was too sick for sex.

So we got up and got me to work. As we were driving from his house we spot his friend Loranger. Picture blond messy hair and dopey smile, on a bike and probably high. He is homeless and staying at a shelter in my hometown and biked all the way there, so we told him to throw his bike in the back and jump on in the truck. After work they picked me up, they seemed pretty stoned. Sometimes I wish he would wait for me because when I get off work and he is stoned and I'm sober it's not like I'm on the same level and there is no one to smoke with and it feels stupid. But whatever. So we go to his house and get his stuff, and then drive over to my house.

I briefly show Loranger the house and then he bikes back to the shelter. We now have the empty house to ourselves. I take him out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in town and they know me there so they gave us free ice cream. He was super quiet though. We come home and I show him some pictures from my album because I was looking at a picture on the wall and I wanted to show him everything. He seemed not to be paying attention, which is ok because they are my pictures and I can see how that could be boring. So I asked what he wanted to do, and he said sleep.

I was still feeling a little queasy from the hangover. We laid down and then he started rubbing me and kissing me. I wanted to have sex but I felt sick. So I asked if he would mind smoking with me. He said sure but he seemed kind of down. After we smoked we fooled around a bit and then started having sex. It felt amazing. Then my dog started HOWLING. So we got up and shut the door. But then he couldn't get it up again. He said he wasn't in the mood. I asked if something was wrong but he said he was just tired. So we started to go to sleep again but then the rubbing and kissing again and then sex again. And it was amazing again. And we started really going at it and we had to stop and catch our breath. But then he went soft and just got off and said he wanted to sleep.

So now I'm really worried. He keeps saying nothing is wrong. He asks me to believe him. I tell him if nothing is wrong I'll believe him, and I try. And I say I'm disappointed we didn't have more sex. He says that hurts his feelings. I try to explain and he says his feelings aren't hurt anymore but I think they are. We go to sleep without cuddling. I want to cry but I go to sleep.


I wake up with the morning light falling on our faces. I have very vivid dreams. I was dreaming of this pedophile who gave us a giant stuffed bear that he also stuffed his latest dead victim in. And then he sees the kid's cousin, a kid I know from work. And there is this moment of fear. And this is when I start waking up but I can't get those fearful eyes and those little blue bodied dead children out of my head. So I try to think of Andon and I stroke his hair and go back to sleep. This time I dream of our wedding - our imaginary one, obviously. He in a black tux, me in the kind of gown Carrie from Sex in the City wore when she got stood up in the first movie. And I see him clasping his hands in front and smiling at me, looking so handsome. And then I see us dancing and I know he says he can't dance so we practiced before. And the song is Vampire Weekend's Horchata. Because that is king of our song. And Then I picture afterwards him with his pants rolled up, soaking his feet in the lake on the docks drinking a beer. I imagine kissing him. And then I hear him waking up and I wake up. And I have all these lovey feelings for him. I want him to kiss me and hold me and I want to have sex with him because I love our morning sex.

We kiss passionately and he pulls me close. And then he rolls over. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Every time I try to kiss him he rolls over. He doesn't have to leave for over an hour but he says he is just going to go home and have breakfast at his place. I know something is wrong. No sex when we are both awake and have over an hour to spare? And he eats god damned lucky charms at home! He got dressed and when then left in minutes, taking all his stuff with him. The stuff that he packed for staying here for the week. He took with him. The night before he said he would be biking back so how will he carry that all back? Is he coming back? He left quickly and quietly without kissing me.

My stomach was in knots. I knew I would be going crazy all day if I just let him leave without getting something, some reassurance. So I yelled out the window.
"You forgot to give me a kiss!"
"What?"
"You forgot to kiss me!"
"oh."
He came back in and kissed me and his lips touching mine sent warmth through my entire body and my heart swelled and reached out but as he drew back I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
and he left.


I laid in bed for a while tormenting myself. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Then I watched Private Practice and Castle and ate goldfish because my stomach hurts still. Then he texted me. Exact message: "Hey, I'm feeling better. I think i just wanted to be alone for a bit. cant wait to see you tonight ;)"

This is what I say back (after waiting for an hour):
I'm pretty pissed at you right now. Why did you lie to me? You just made me freak out all night and all morning! How do you think I felt when I try too kiss you in the morning and you roll over and say your just going home? You wouldn't even look at me! And then you kept saying nothing was wrong! I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and I was crying but I felt like an idiot because I wasn't sure if there was something wrong and you were lying or if I just didn't trust you enough. I Love you so much you make me insane!

The crying part was an almost lie. I wrote that because as I was typing out my response I started crying. After I sent it I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I listened to Vampire Weekend which mad me cry more because I think of him. I don't cry very often, and certainly not that long. I guess I really needed to cry. Though I'm not exactly sure what I was crying for. I hate the phrase good cry because crying isn't really good, it sucks. But that cry released a bit of me I think.

So after two hours of no response I send another text:
I'm sorry I text yelled at you. My stomach hurts and I've been crying for hours, I'm exhausted. Sorry. I hope I'll still see you tonight?

But no text back from Andon yet. Crissy said she would meet me a little after noon so we can hang out before I go to work, since I'm feeling kind of down.
If he doesn't text back soon I may go even more crazy. Though I already was angry, and I was already sad so I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend.

humbug mood

I'm in a really humbug mood.

I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.

I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.

But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.

I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.

Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?

But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?


So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.

Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.

I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.

The Past Two Weeks

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

Party on the Mountain

So this guy Jax invited me to his party on the Mountain. I don't really know him well but I always got good vibes from him. He had a class or two with me my senior year at college. I used to stare at his hands. He wasn't really cute, had an ok body, but he had really nice hands and I liked the way he moved them. What is it with me and hands? He is one of those people that when they talk to you it makes it feel like you are the only person in their world. It isn't romantic though, just like this deep caring - I found out he is a cancer, there you go. He is graduating and so got a keg and invited everyone he knew.

So he tries to find a carpool I can join but most have filled up by the time I ask. I try and get Be but she is working and so I ask Crissy and she is out of her mind. She says she has to stay home and study. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! god damn her she has school for only two days a week and she chooses Friday night to study? So I was really annoyed. But there was the beast - aka my dad's suburban that they use to transport the masses of children they have. So I drove that, which sucked. But I really wanted to get out - how often to I get invited to a party?

I pulled up on a dark mountain road and walked towards a lit up garage. I could hear people. I walked through a gate and there was a small crowd and a keg and around turns Jax. He was wearing an alpaca sweater and a beanie. He showed me the tour - first is dance world (the living room with a computer blasting music and some black lights) then there was food world (the kitchen) and then jam world, a room filled with instruments and a really nice sound system. There was all sorts of people jamming all night. There was also an outside deck and somewhere there was a hot tub but I never saw it. By the keg there was a fire pit and people sitting around it.

So I spent most the time by the music, duh. I didn't know anyone. This guy sat next to me, his name is Scott. He was cute, had a nice nose and smile. After a bit a whole brass band came in and I wanted to dance but I was too shy and then Scott and some other people jumped up and danced and then I just sat wishing I had jumped up too. I closed my eyes and listened, it was beautiful. Like a musical orgasm.

So I floated from the brass band that moved outside to the band inside. I danced with this guy wearing the most awesome classic like indie nerdy look, the glasses and hat and curly black hair. He danced and we kicked out legs at the same time like I did when skankin' to ska music. His name was Andon.

At one point there was this crazy jam and it was past midnight and I was the only one sitting listening to this great music. And suddenly here comes Jackson and another guy and they are buck naked. Running through the house. They pause right in front of me and dance to the music. Then run back to the hot tub. This guy sat next to me and we talked and he was super drunk. He kept telling me how much he hated his girlfriend, who would walk by every once and a while. It was weird. There was a freaky girl singer but i had no one to talk to so I listened. Then they tried to rap and I offered my gravy train rap but the drummer couldn't get the beat right so i kind of mumbled something and left the mic embarrassed.

I went to the fire and had a long discussion about perception and how people judge by appearances with this guy who was really nice. Then Scott showed up in a robe and started a hookah for everyone. And I talked to a green haired guy who ended up being a pagan who is also fond of XKCD (the web comic). Scott sat next to me and we had this amazing conversation and we had alot in common.

Turns out his mom was a crazy drug addict like mine and he gave me his number. I was trying to figure out if he wanted to be friends because he would be an awesome friend or if he was interested in being more than friends cuz he is cute. The crowd kept getting silent as soon as I said thing like "my mom had a poo fight with our neighbor once". Pretty silly. There was this girl who I'm guessing had been in the hot tub at some point and she had a robe on but it wasn't closed and she had a black bra and a mini skirt. The only thing I heard her say in the like two hours I was at the fire was "if anyone needs a place to sleep I'll share my bed..." and Scott jumped at that. Go figure, half naked chicks always win. At like 4 in the morning this girl (pre op becoming a girl actually) wanted a ride home so I did because I know people have given me rides home but I wanted to stay. When I got home I remember thinking, will I call Scott? What do I do with his number now? I can't believe I almost didn't go to this party, and how random I was invited because don't even know Jax that well.

And then right before I went to sleep I thought, I never really looked at Scott's hands, I wonder what his hands look like....

Thanksgiving

So the holidays are upon us.

Thanksgiving creeped up on me. Usually we have it at my grandma's house. But this has been a tough year for grandma so we had it at our house. Which was stupid.

Everyone keeps coming back to grandma's like it is a magnet and they can't fight the pull. My mom's house is the opposite; it repels the whole family. Everyone got there 15 minutes before dinner was served and left immediatly after it was over.

Here is how the family breaks down on my mother's side:
Grandma had six kids: Uncle Fred is a single alcoholic (newly in AA) who likes any girl who will do him, sports, and gambling. No kids.

Uncle Ken moved to Idaho with his wife Babe, no kids. But they have a weird dog.

Uncle Lee is exiled; grandma has removed him. But he lives a block away and has a son who is my sister's age
.
Aunt Billie is a single mom with two kids, Crissy is my age and Ed is 12.

My mom has 3 biological children (Air, Me, Dean) and 2 adopted children (Gaggin and Neal) and then foster children. and my poor father.

Uncle Ted has 3 kids but never had custody of the two boys; he raised Be, she is two years younger than me. He has a girlfriend with two teenagers that are model children.



So we don't have T.V. at my house and my mom isn't turning on the radio for the game so that Fred can sit there worrying about his bets. He went into my room and used the computer to watch the game. He brought his girlfriend, who we have never heard of before and probably never will again. Next comes Ted and his girlfriend who is part of the family; she sits on the couch and smiles politley while the kids run around screaming. Ted cuts the Turkey while my mom says over and over "I can't do this by myself!". My dad is wresting the 3 foster girls into chairs. They hired my cousin Crissy to watch the boys and she is sitting at the kid table: she looks miserable. My mom spends the whole meal serving the kids. It is Gaggin's birthday so we put some candles in the pie and he eats in like five minutes so he can get the pie over with and have his presents. It is all he talks about. He is 4 now. He opens his gifts with no one watching except my mom. Mu uncle Ted does his classic manuever - he got my mom to buy his gift for Gaggin, he has no idea what he got him. He never buys gifts himself. We all pick names of adults out of the hat to see who we are buying gifts for this year - I got Ken's wife Babe. Could have been worse. Everyone starts leaving before the pie is even served, which is half way through dinner. Be shows up about that time, late, and my mom mumbles about how Be is so on drugs. We went to the midnight sales at the mall later and Be was halfway through a chocolate fudge cake, haha, munchies.

After dinner I flee to my room and look at old pictures of the family. I feel like they are all dead. I have a new family and they are not the one I grew up with. When I was young Ted never dated, I didn't even know Lee existed, Fred was married and smelled like a bar room floor, I had no younger siblings, we all lived in the same town...what happened?

My boss called and offered me more hours at work. At least I will have a chance at paying off some of my debt this year. I have a plan though.

My plan is to focus on work and composing my music and working out, and by January I should have most of my debt paid off and some weight gone and then I am going to find a fuck buddy. That is my plan. Nothing exciting will be happening for a while (I think) so I am going to back track and type up some older stuff. Until we meet again.