Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Someone to talk to

I haven't updated in a while because I face every bloggers dilemma: how many secrets is it prudent to share, if my secrets involve someone else?

If I write about my sex life I'm also revealing things about my partner, and even though I change names I write knowing that anyone could read it and figure out who the real people are. People can get hurt. Well, their feelings anyways. Privacy is a tricky thing.

I love my boyfriend so much, I don't want to write about any issues he is having on here because what if one day someone reads it and it gets back to him and people think bad things about him? Or what if I hurt his feelings? That is my problem.

And I face that problem again today especially because I need someone to talk to, or really more someone to listen to me, but it's about private stuff so I can't tell just anymore. Not something you can share on facebook.

This is what I will say about today. My boyfriend gets depressed sometimes, and I've battled depression so I felt like I know what he is going through. But I don't and he tells me so. I was depressed because I was lonely - and now that I have him I am no longer lonely, so I'm no longer depressed. He says he would kill himself if he wasn't so afraid, and he says he hates his life and wants to drop out of college. I'm like, I am a huge part of your life! How can you want to kill yourself if you have me? How can you hate your life with me. But I don't say these things, I just say I am sorry and I wish I could make things better and i try to point out the good things but it's like the more I try the more he says I don't understand he tries to sleep to get away from everything. And then sometimes he says something that breaks my heart, like today we were texting and he was depressed and I said what about what we have, isn't that good, isn't that worth living for? and he said he would throw it all away to end the pain.

and I just cried, because what else can I do?

when I think about Andon and I and our future, I imagine getting married and traveling for a bit and then settling somewhere and having kids. I imagine playing music, going to the river, watching movies snuggled on the couch, hiking through the woods. He says he wants marriage and kids with me too. But then reality rears it's ugly head.

Even though we have many days of happiness he gets depressed and nothing can cheer him and it brings me down and sometimes he says hurtful things. If he gets frustrated he will give out an angry yell and start hitting himself, which scares the crap out of me. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk to me if he's in a bad mood. We both struggle with our weight. We both smoke a ton of weed, which will probably kill our lungs, and I don't know if either of us will ever want to quit. One of the biggest problems for me is he doesn't like being around my family - my family is my center. I miss them. He can't even stand to be at their house for a few hours, he won't talk and gets all shifty and uncomfortable and leaves. I have never had many friends, I'm used to hanging out with my family all the time. I don't know what to do.

But then when I think about life without him...I don't want to. For all his faults he is super caring and sweet. He always knows when I am upset and can cheer me up in an instant. He knows how to make me laugh, he notices little things I do like how I like to make toast and he'll try to make it my way for me. We like watching a lot of the same shows and listening to a lot of the same music. He always likes to cuddle with me, even if it doesn't lead to sex. He does things I like to do, he is willing to suffer through musicals with me. I feel so close to him, like he understands me, like I have finally found someone who I can trust. He loves being with me all the time, we spend all of our time outside of work together. He is the first man I've had an orgasm with during sex (with no help from my hands or a vibe, yay). He likes making cute-sy pet names, like he calls me his cuddle love and his babey babe. He tells me how great I am (even when I don't feel great). He tells me at least a few times every day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. We hardly go a day without sex. I am never unhappy with him unless he is unhappy.

I feel lost and found. I feel like my soulmate has found me. Yet I still feel lost and confused. lost and found.

and now he wants to at least drop his summer classes. Part of me wishes he would suck it up - just the school part. He is always complaining about school and how much b.s. it is and how he doesn't agree with most of his professors and they are all stupid. And I get it, I had a lot of crazy teachers I didn't agree with, but you learn how to get things done and pass even though the teacher sucks and is saying nothing useful. Even if you hate all the reading you get through the class and get it done. He's like "I hate my life" but he has a free ride to a great school and only a year left there (and he has a 3.9 GPA), he has me and an apartment and we haven't ran out of weed since last July. He has an IT job that might lead to a full time position once he graduates. We can afford to go out to eat and take road trips. Sure, I admit neither of us have any real good friends and his family life sucks but those are minor things in my eyes. He says he can't find anything to do, and that always makes him depressed. We have so much to do but he doesn't want to do any of it, he didn't like the prescription anti-depressants, and he won't try any of my suggestions for curing depression like more exercise. I just wish I could make him feel better, it makes me feel like I'm failing and it makes me worry that we won't be together forever. and if he doesn't graduate he will always feel bad about it an he on't be able to find a job, and where will that leave us?

I know that's alot, but I just needed someone to listen. Thanks.