Thursday, September 17, 2009

I Give the D like it was Jesus.

Today was really eventful. I feel like the tides are changing. I have been having some bad luck, which is weird because normally I am very lucky.

But check this: got a random job from someone who knows someone who knows my mom, they somehow knew I was a tutor and I got a gig helping a lady pass the math section of the GED. $90 worth of tutoring!
During that job I got a call from an after school program that wanted me to come in for an interview to be a sub for their after school teachers. I went over and I got the job. All I have to do is get a TB test.
Viki called, she is going to put in a good word for me at the book store she works at. I applied there and I still want that job because I don't really want to be a sub. I want regular hours and regular pay. Something I can count on. But the subbing pays more and looks better on my resume than being a bookseller would. We shall see though. (hope i get it, hope i get it) I want to have both jobs but I don't know how that will work.

I have formed a bad habit of posting to the Craig's list casual encounters/personals. I actually posted "curvy girl looking for good sex". A dude who went to High School with me responded. Hella weird. He used to be on the football team, I didn't pay much attention to him because he acted like an idiot. In his e-mail he wrote "hi u look familiar, kinda like a cutie i remember in high school, so ill take it slo for a sec. I'm in town, you can check out my facebook. Good sex is an understatement, i give the d like it was jesus."
haha, best line ever. the d like it was Jesus. My ad was forward, as were all the other men who responded, but when I actually talked to him on facebook it was about like what we had been doing since h.s. and music we like. And he knew about doctor who! I tried to move the conversation to the sexual sphere but he started talking about relationships. Then we actually had me arguing against relationships and him arguing for them. It was weird. Again the stereotype that men just want sex is broken down. Men as people with feelings is so much more confusing than men that only care about beer food and sex.
So we talk, go to bed late, next day arrives and then I do my day stuff and at night crawl into bed to check my e-mail and suddenly I'm thinking, oo did he e-mail me? This is why I hate my brain. Slightest bit of attention and suddenly I am thinking about this guy a whole lot. A male friend of mine had a long conversation with me while we were drinking whiskey, and then the next time I saw him I said my little brother told me I would be reincarnated as a black widow spider and he said I would never because I am not like that at all. he said it twice. for like a month I kept thinking about him. This is what gets me in trouble. I wasn't even attracted to him before that!
Also, an old friend is coming to town for the weekend. We almost hooked up at his going away party, we were pretty drunk which is why I decided to decline at the last minute. So now I am thinking about asking him if he would like to hook up (hey, and I am not even drunk!). But I'm afraid he will say no, and afraid it will be very awkward if he says no and tells his friends. He isn't that attractive either. I am just really horny I suppose. Or I am longing for some kind of connection, with a dick.
If I don't have sex this week I will scream. and then buy a new dildo.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I think I lost a friend

I am having a really rough day.

I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.

So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:

"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "

I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.

Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.

I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.

Monday, September 14, 2009

My own enemy

It is really frustrating:

I am feeling a bit lonely, an I am daft in the head so I've been laying about watching this old show called Doctor Who. It is si-fi shwo about a alien time traveler name 'the doctor' and a london girl named Rose. Except that I am now watching the second season and they are going with this depressing theme of the Doctor not really loving Rose or maybe leaving her when she so obviously loves him, which is odd because before they were not in love. and they keep exposing the doctor as a guy who loves them and then leaves them. So that got me in this mood and I was listening to all these London accents on the show and I suddenly thought about the man I slept with in London. His name was Joe.

I was staying at Earl's Court (South Kensington, I believe) and there was the Irish Pub called O'Neill's down the street on the corner and it is all blue on the outside. I sat down in the mostly empty place, it was May 30th which wasn't anything special I think and then all these people start sitting at the table I am at. Turns out some photography website on-line meets once a year and I happened to be at the table they planned to met at in the pub they planned to meet at. and so on. But since they are all Internet buddies and don't know what their friends look like in the real world they had no idea (at first) that I wasn't just another member of their group. This guy Joe is the first to talk to me, and he ends up talking to me all night. The name of their group sounded vaguely dirty so at first I thought I walked into something weird but they were all really fun.

The thing is the next morning I decided I never ever wanted to try to look him up. I have a bad habit of getting attached to just about anything. Heck, I looked up and wanted to befriend via facebook this guy I slept with in Santa Cruz. I don't remember much of that meeting, but another story for another day.

So I sabotaged myself. All I wrote in my Journal is that I met Joe in a pub and came home around 6am. There was loads more to that story and the details are all slippery and I can't remember them. I figured out the pub because I used Google Maps, it was only down the street from my hostel. But that leads me to why do I even care? This guy was a one night stand and I'll never talk to him again.

Well, I'll post the full story of him later and maybe you can tell me why I have a soft spot for that memory. I think I already know.

Edit: the story of Joe is here but his whole "fair enough" thing made me crack up laughing every time someone said that ever after (which is alot in Europe).

Sunday, September 13, 2009

First Post

Ok, so this is how it is going to go down.

I am going to do this post and then I am going to go through my journals and write in everything that has happened since I took off in May. Because this has been a crazy summer and you should hear all of it first hand, not in side remarks. There are also some bits on information I find interesting (like history) kinda mixed in.

Two things to know - I am trying to keep this annonymous, mostly because if anyone I know reads it they will either be hurt by what I say or shocked by what I say. Because no one in my family tells the truth and everyone has secrets. And this will be like laying my underclothes to dry on the lawn. So if you figure out who I am, keep it to yourself. Names are changed to protect everyone involved.
The other thing to know is most of the posts include details of my sex life. If you find this and you are related to me just you've been warned. No one wants to picture their family doing some things.

So now you got the warnings here is the gist. I'm Sky and I need an outlet so I am going to write about my life here. I hope people will read it because sometimes I feel alone in this. My family are completly nutts and my friends are crazy and everything is all wrong. So it would help me if you just lended an ear and hope this has a happy ending.