New Years Eve 2009

I am such an idiot.

So I wrote this song about how much I want this guy to like me and I want him to make a move on me and how I was confused and I actually say "I want to pull you into me" in the song. And then Andon, the guy I wrote the song about, offers to help me write it.

So he came over today and we spent hours playing music. Then we got to work on the song and it was great and it came so easily and we recorded it (even though I have a cold). And it sounds really good and I am so excited because one of my goals was to write and record a song this year, and now I have and I'm putting it on last fm and I am so excited. He is so cute and comes in a button up shirt and those nerdy black glasses and he has two piercings, one on his nose and one on his lip and then an ear piercing that is slightly gauged and he has this curly dark hair and I love his smile and I like watching his hands move. Fo some reason the thing a guy could do that would most turn me on is play an instrument. Watching his hands and hearing the music I close my eyes and let it fill me.

Then he goes "Oh shit, it's after nine?"
"…yeah"
"I was supposed to be somewhere at nine."
"Oh."
"My ex and I just got back together…"
My head swirls and I get smaller. oh.

The whole night I have been watching him play, watching him smile, singing this song with him. And I thought he liked me. Like liked me liked me. He said things like "I like listening to music with you" and we just sat and listened to music for a while. He is so easy to hang out with! And we wrote a song together! And he is cute! Really cute!

oooo, Epic Fail.

My life is like this. So he leaves and I feel hurt and disappointed and it is 10 on new years eve. And I have no plans. This was my plan. As he left he said he would invite me to the party he was going to but his girlfriend was already jealous of me. epic fail fail fail. I am so stupid. SO stupid.

So I have two options:
1. Get blindly drunk at the nearest bar and maybe go home with a stranger.
2. Call friends and desperately hope someone is free to hang out or have me join them in their evening fun.

So I think about riding my bike downtown, getting arrested later for drunk on ze bike driving, how no one cool goes to the bars here (it is a very small town).

Then I call John. He calls me back immediately. I tell him I am sad. I want to hang out. He sounds tired from work. He has to work in the morning. I ask him to come over. He will. He will call me back in 15 he says. My Internet goes on and off. My night goes on and off. I want to cry on his shoulders and I want to smile and pretend nothing is wrong.