Broken Girls, Strong Women

So it started like this for me:
When I was younger I got curious, and I poked around my lady parts a bit, but nothing felt good so I left it be. It was my first serious boyfriend that gave me my first orgasm (even though I didn't recognize it at the time) and it was he who taught me how to masturbate. During my relationship with him and all the men that followed one issue came up: I wasn't cumming during sex. When I was single and in college, I realized I couldn't let this problem of mine ruin any more relationships.

I got a vibrator and dildos and started exploring. I figured I could "practice" with the dildos, learning what I liked along the way, and then I would be able to navigate better with a real guy. Even though I highly recommend learning about yourself that way, it didn't help at first. The vibrations or outside stimulation always got me off. The only way these toys helped me sex-wise was when I used the little vibrators during sex.

When Andon started masturbating more than normal, I asked why. I asked because I was horny and I felt he was avoiding sex, preferring to masturbate. Then he told me he would never be happy until he made me orgasm during sex. I did with a vibe before, but that was weeks ago. And we've tried many times since then.

First I cried, and then I did some research. I found out only 3 out of 10 women orgasm during sex. I decided to see if I was one of those 3. I tried with a dildo and for the first time did not touch any other part of me - and nothing. Sometimes it would feel really good, but I could not orgasm. I tried until I was sore, nothing worked. I realized that I was like most other women.

For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Or that I wasn't doing it right, not trying hard enough, not skilled enough. I am one of the many women who don't orgasm during sex. But even more than that, I think it is just hard for me to cum during sex. For me, even a helping hand (or a helping vibrator) won't do the trick - I feel so concentrated on trying to cum that I can't feel anything. It's frustrating and disappointing.

But I feel like this is a moment of injustice. I shouldn't feel this way - this is the way my body is meant to feel during sex, I am not broken. Science has shown that women only feel so much of their vaginas; imagine if the vagina were too sensitive, sex may feel good but birthing would not. Usually most of the nerve endings that are inside the vagina rest within the first 4 inches, and many are on the front side of the vagina and a spot called the G spot.

But most people haven't even seen a well made diagram of lady parts, so most people don't know there is more. Because when it comes to females, it is about what you don't see. The Clitoris (or clit) is the lady part that most women get their sexual pleasure from, but most of it is under the surface. The clit would have actually have become a penis if the female had instead have become a male. When a man (or vibe, or hand, or whatever...) is poking around in a lady's vagina, it can also be putting pressure on the clit (yay!) and the bladder (boo).

So really the best way to make a lady cum? Stimulate the part that is meant for pleasure- the clit! Oral is amazing, and I cum within 3 minutes with just a vibe. I can orgasm, jus not like a man.

I am trying to accept this. I still hold out hope that something will change. Andon has been touching my boobs more and making sure I'm more turned on, which is nice. But I also try and get into spots during sex where he'll press against my clit in some way - and I hope one day that will lead to something. Surprise orgasm during sex? Please?!?!

We're also getting into toys and kinks, but more on that later.
Sex is an exploration.

Job Hunting

Usually I don't like to talk about my work on here. But here is the down lo - I have been looking for a job for MONTHS. It's horrible! I have a college Degree, experience, references and am cpr and first aid certified. And what does that get me? The only places hiring won't call me back, I've been told it's because I am OVER QUALIFIED. I don't care if I am over qualified to work as a waitress, I need the money gosh darn it!

And you might say, if you've been looking so long, maybe it's you? It's not me. I blame the economy. But I know it's not me because I have 3 jobs. with no hours. But I still have gotten hired 3 times, and as the lady from unemployment told me, I am not unemployed. This is why our unemployment rating seems lower than it is - they take you off if you are employed even if you have no hours, they take you off if you've been looking longer than six months, and they take you off if you're a student.

But anywho, I got hired today to my third (but not final!) job. I got hired as a free lance writer for a yellow pages type website. I'm going to toodle around on my bike, take pictures of businesses and fill in the information to put in the directories. Sounds pretty cool. But they expect me to do 30 a week, and that seems like a lot. I have school and job hunting, plus I'd like to hang out with my boyfriend...

who, by the way, is super stressed out. I am stressing about school, not having money and not having a job with hours. He is stressing about school mostly - but he is going to the UC and has three jobs with hours. I came in happy to see him, and he was doing homework. So I waited till he was done, and he got naked (good sign) but then he laid down in bed facing the wall (bad sign). I kept asking what's wrong and he finally told me he was having trouble keeping up with the reading and he couldn't finish all his school work. Plus he failed his first Hebrew Quiz. But everything I said made it worse, and he got upset and turned back over. I tried apologizing and talking to him but he closed his eyes and firmly pretended to be asleep. I waited a bit, and then i realized he probably was asleep. or ignoring me. So I turned out the lights and cried as quietly as I could.

I know, I'm emotional, I cry all the time now and it's super annoying.

This morning he left without a word of hello or goodbye. I know he isn't trying to be mean but we are both stressed, why does he have to be a jerk about it?

And I don't know how to help him. He always helps me but I don't know what to do for him and he says there is nothing for me to do to help him. Agh! Frustrating.

I need some work, and I need my boyfriend to be happy again.

Davis, CA

So these last few weeks have been crazy. I promise when things settle down I'll put the stuff from my real journal onto here.

On August 31st, 2010 I became a girl who lives with her boyfriend.

!

So now I live in Davis with Andon and we are happy. haha. Actually we are stressed as all heck. We are both looking for jobs and not finding any. We got a great roommate named Rick. He plays in a band, works the night shift at a mental hospital, and smokes pot. So that's exciting.

We've got everything moved in and just a few boxes left to unpack. I'm going to night school in the hopes of getting a better job.

The sex has been pretty infrequent. I don't want to say "drying up" though. The problem is I was having some unusual bleeding after every sex session, but I'm on depo so I thought oh maybe it's spotting or something. Then it seemed like I started my period but it was kind of light. And I've been on my period for over two weeks now. We still have sex, don't get me wrong, but no more going down on me which means no orgasms for Sky.

I tried bringing up toys or us both masturbating together because he seems upset about the idea of me going solo. But he did not really take it well. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to orgasm during sex and he can't do it with his fingers so do I just not get any?

We are also stressed and running around like crazy doing little errands and we just don't have enough spare time to have sex. When we finally get home at night, around 10pm, we cuddle and talk for a few minutes and then one of us is horny and the other passes out. Who is horny and who is sleepy kind of switches.

Yesterday we got in a fight about nothing. I wanted to cuddle but he didn't want to. So I got sad. When I came back from the bathroom he is horny and wants to have sex. I'm all for it but I need time to switch from sad to horny mode. He realizes I haven't switched yet, gets upset, and pulls away. I start crying, he leaves the room. I decide not to wait for him to come back for hours like last time and I run out to the kitchen and ask acusingly, "Why do you always leave when I cry?" He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, innocently sipping his coffee.
"I didn't know you were crying."
"Whatever!" I am sobbing and I go right back into the room to cry. I come out a few times and ask him to come into the bedroom when he is ready to talk.
But it's already noon and we said we would be back home at noon so now we're really late. We're going to a music festival that is hours away and it will be over if we don't go soon.
So finally I confront him, tell him what time it is and tell him we can either talk about it in the living room or he can come to the bedroom. Everything I've been feeling all days comes spilling out of my mouth, but he doesn't say anything. He says he doesn't know what to say. I start to cry and he holds me, and we cuddle. I want to have sex. He doesn't.

It is a long quiet and strained drive back home.

We go to our old dealer's house (We haven't found a new one yet) and I say before we go in "we need to get in and get out, no smoking." She has 3 bongs packed and ready to smoke. SO we smoke. An then we have to go to my mom's house and I just try and act normal and get the kayaks to go to the river music festival. But by the time we get there it is already late, only an hour and a half left before the concert ends.

It takes a while to get the kayaks to the water and then to paddle to where the concert is. We get there for the last few seconds of the last song. Then we go back.

We drop everything off at my mom's, drive back to Davis (our new home) and go to his friend's birthday party. No one is drinking much but Andon starts taking shot after shot of bourbon. He wants to get wasted. And he does.

After an hour and a half at the party he is puking in the bathroom. He lays down on their tile floor next to the patio door. I convince him we should go. When I take him to the truck he is crying. I get him home and he wants a shower and ice cubes to suck on. He wants me in the shower too. I sit there with him laying on me, singing him songs as he moans and every once in a while he leans forward and barfs. I get him to bed and he wraps up in all the blankets. Then cries it's too hot. He mumbles a lot about how he can't do anything right. Then he mumbles more and I have no idea what he is saying.

In the morning he is still drunk. He keeps bothering me and I want to sleep. He says when I wake up he wants to have sex. He misses me.

When I do wake up he is no longer drunk but hungover and doesn't feel good. So we cuddle and then decide to smoke so he doesn't feel sick anymore. Then we have sex. And every time we have sex it's amazing. He's amazing. But I think he is still upset I haven't orgasmed during sex. I keep hoping I will but try as I might it just ruins the sex when I make it all about cumming.

He helped me hang stuff around the apartment and then went on a bike ride, and probably back to his friend's house. They are the only people we know in Davis.

I am planning to make a crazy awesome dinner tonight but I don't think he really appreciates how much effort I am putting into it. I asked him cookies or cupcakes and he says "I don't care." Well fuck, if you don't care who does?

I am so glad I have him though. He makes my world, which scares me because if he is gone then everything is gone. But I have to let myself get close, I can't hold back if I want this to work. I love him to death.

I wish we could cuddle and hang out high and naked all day like we did in the summer.

Haven't posted in forever

I know I haven't posted in forever. There comes a time when you have to live your life and stop trying to record it. That said, I still want to keep up this blog.

Andon and I pretty much live together now. We stay at his house, or my house, but we stay together. We always shower together and eat together. I do all the cooking. Right now it's summer, and since we both have work relating to the school year we both are job-free for the summer.

I've started buying more pot, we smoke pretty much every day. I don't want to say we're stoners though because normally we smoke at night and have dinner, have sex and then watch nature documentaries before falling asleep. We wake up around noon and go on bike rides, play tennis, shoot each other with squirt guns, go swimming, biking, listen to or play music. And lately we've been studying languages a lot. We do spanish flashcards when we smoke.

Everything is super great. We are so in love and we have sex all the time, and it's always good and sometimes great. We have some issues but we talk about it when we need to and I get emotional and cry and then we have sex. It's kind of like that. He is perfect for me! I am so happy with him.

We are moving to Davis because he is going to go to UCD in the fall. I'm stressing a bit about finding a job and a room mate. We want these one apartments but we need someone to take the other room. We've been using craigslist for everything, but if you have any other suggestions feel free to comment about them.

When we hang out with people it is mostly his friends because I don't have many. Maria isn't talking to me still, but I try to not think about it. Juliette has moved back but I still don't see her much. And John is in rehab or something again - we haven't talked in months. And an old friend from high school has become my pot dealer so we see her once in a while too.

This is an update kind of thing, but next time I want to post more about the nitty gritty. Like, giving blowjobs and orgasm issues. I wish I updated more because it'd be cool to have a record of me falling in love with him.

A Good Cry

I spent almost two weeks staying at Andon's house. My family is out of town for the week so we decided to stay at my house (I had to take care of the dog and polliwogs anyways).

So yesterday I wake up with this persistent hangover. He said he wanted to see me drunk and he finished his finals so we went out with his friends and I paid for drinks and had two pints of beer and three sex on the beach drinks. We rode our bikes to his place using the creek trail and I was swerving all over the place. We were so drunk, so we fooled around a bit but couldn't really manage sex. When we woke up he wanted to fool around but I was sick. I took something for the headache but he has like nothing to eat at his house and I was trying not to barf everywhere and he kept kissing me. I smoked some pot to help with the nausea and then we fooled around more but I was too sick for sex.

So we got up and got me to work. As we were driving from his house we spot his friend Loranger. Picture blond messy hair and dopey smile, on a bike and probably high. He is homeless and staying at a shelter in my hometown and biked all the way there, so we told him to throw his bike in the back and jump on in the truck. After work they picked me up, they seemed pretty stoned. Sometimes I wish he would wait for me because when I get off work and he is stoned and I'm sober it's not like I'm on the same level and there is no one to smoke with and it feels stupid. But whatever. So we go to his house and get his stuff, and then drive over to my house.

I briefly show Loranger the house and then he bikes back to the shelter. We now have the empty house to ourselves. I take him out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in town and they know me there so they gave us free ice cream. He was super quiet though. We come home and I show him some pictures from my album because I was looking at a picture on the wall and I wanted to show him everything. He seemed not to be paying attention, which is ok because they are my pictures and I can see how that could be boring. So I asked what he wanted to do, and he said sleep.

I was still feeling a little queasy from the hangover. We laid down and then he started rubbing me and kissing me. I wanted to have sex but I felt sick. So I asked if he would mind smoking with me. He said sure but he seemed kind of down. After we smoked we fooled around a bit and then started having sex. It felt amazing. Then my dog started HOWLING. So we got up and shut the door. But then he couldn't get it up again. He said he wasn't in the mood. I asked if something was wrong but he said he was just tired. So we started to go to sleep again but then the rubbing and kissing again and then sex again. And it was amazing again. And we started really going at it and we had to stop and catch our breath. But then he went soft and just got off and said he wanted to sleep.

So now I'm really worried. He keeps saying nothing is wrong. He asks me to believe him. I tell him if nothing is wrong I'll believe him, and I try. And I say I'm disappointed we didn't have more sex. He says that hurts his feelings. I try to explain and he says his feelings aren't hurt anymore but I think they are. We go to sleep without cuddling. I want to cry but I go to sleep.


I wake up with the morning light falling on our faces. I have very vivid dreams. I was dreaming of this pedophile who gave us a giant stuffed bear that he also stuffed his latest dead victim in. And then he sees the kid's cousin, a kid I know from work. And there is this moment of fear. And this is when I start waking up but I can't get those fearful eyes and those little blue bodied dead children out of my head. So I try to think of Andon and I stroke his hair and go back to sleep. This time I dream of our wedding - our imaginary one, obviously. He in a black tux, me in the kind of gown Carrie from Sex in the City wore when she got stood up in the first movie. And I see him clasping his hands in front and smiling at me, looking so handsome. And then I see us dancing and I know he says he can't dance so we practiced before. And the song is Vampire Weekend's Horchata. Because that is king of our song. And Then I picture afterwards him with his pants rolled up, soaking his feet in the lake on the docks drinking a beer. I imagine kissing him. And then I hear him waking up and I wake up. And I have all these lovey feelings for him. I want him to kiss me and hold me and I want to have sex with him because I love our morning sex.

We kiss passionately and he pulls me close. And then he rolls over. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Every time I try to kiss him he rolls over. He doesn't have to leave for over an hour but he says he is just going to go home and have breakfast at his place. I know something is wrong. No sex when we are both awake and have over an hour to spare? And he eats god damned lucky charms at home! He got dressed and when then left in minutes, taking all his stuff with him. The stuff that he packed for staying here for the week. He took with him. The night before he said he would be biking back so how will he carry that all back? Is he coming back? He left quickly and quietly without kissing me.

My stomach was in knots. I knew I would be going crazy all day if I just let him leave without getting something, some reassurance. So I yelled out the window.
"You forgot to give me a kiss!"
"What?"
"You forgot to kiss me!"
"oh."
He came back in and kissed me and his lips touching mine sent warmth through my entire body and my heart swelled and reached out but as he drew back I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
and he left.


I laid in bed for a while tormenting myself. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Then I watched Private Practice and Castle and ate goldfish because my stomach hurts still. Then he texted me. Exact message: "Hey, I'm feeling better. I think i just wanted to be alone for a bit. cant wait to see you tonight ;)"

This is what I say back (after waiting for an hour):
I'm pretty pissed at you right now. Why did you lie to me? You just made me freak out all night and all morning! How do you think I felt when I try too kiss you in the morning and you roll over and say your just going home? You wouldn't even look at me! And then you kept saying nothing was wrong! I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and I was crying but I felt like an idiot because I wasn't sure if there was something wrong and you were lying or if I just didn't trust you enough. I Love you so much you make me insane!

The crying part was an almost lie. I wrote that because as I was typing out my response I started crying. After I sent it I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I listened to Vampire Weekend which mad me cry more because I think of him. I don't cry very often, and certainly not that long. I guess I really needed to cry. Though I'm not exactly sure what I was crying for. I hate the phrase good cry because crying isn't really good, it sucks. But that cry released a bit of me I think.

So after two hours of no response I send another text:
I'm sorry I text yelled at you. My stomach hurts and I've been crying for hours, I'm exhausted. Sorry. I hope I'll still see you tonight?

But no text back from Andon yet. Crissy said she would meet me a little after noon so we can hang out before I go to work, since I'm feeling kind of down.
If he doesn't text back soon I may go even more crazy. Though I already was angry, and I was already sad so I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend.

humbug mood

I'm in a really humbug mood.

I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.

I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.

But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.

I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.

Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?

But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?


So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.

Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.

I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.

Spring Break 2010

So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.

At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.


We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.

In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.

Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"

Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.

Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.

They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.

We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.

The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.

I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.

I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.

The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.

One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.

Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.

The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.

When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
He laughs.
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
"Oh, ok"
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.

Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.

In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.

We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.

In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.

We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.

He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.

I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.

Hey Baby That's Just What I Like

So I haven't updated in a while. I've been getting busy.

And I did something CRAZY.

But I'm not going to tell you yet. You get to hear the story a bit.

So Lesson Exchanging Dick had been texting me, and I had been busy on the days he did that. So then when I got the time I texted him and he said he would be over in an hour. So I jump in the shower and FUCK I started my period. But it's the beginning so I think to myself, he won't notice I'm on the rag if I just wash myself and hope for the best. Then I smoke some pot to loosen up before he gets there.

He comes over and he is hotter than I remembered. Somehow I remembered him like the Doctor Who from the second season but in reality he has darker brown hair and his face is less pointy, but he is skinny with nice abs. I am giggly and awkward because I'm stoned, but he seems calm and kind of smiles at me as I giggle. Apparently he is in AA...awkward. But he seems chill with it and we start making out and I notice the hickey on his neck. It doesn't really bother me but I ask him about it, because I don't want to be the other women. But he said it was from some girl he slept with, and that it was kind of annoying. So I just decided not to ask further and just pretend that he has lots of fuck buddies.

The sex was good and he left, saying he'd call me sometime but I figured it would be the same as before - booty calls only. But that's chill.





But then Andon. Remember him? I had a massive crush on him and then he un-friended me on facebook, best described here in the New years Disappointment.

He sent me a message on facebook about how he wanted to be friends with me again. How it was a big mistake and his ex's friends pressured him into snubbing me. I figure the last thing I sent him was something like "well ok if you don't want to be friends, but btw I had really wanted to do you". So I figure he hasn't had sex since January (when his last girlfriend moved away) and he is now trying to fuck me. Fucking really?

But I'm forgiving and I haven't been able to find anyone else to jam with, and what the hey maybe I'll have sex with him because he is cute and I can keep my emotions separate and not fall for him because last time he was a jerk...right? Right. So I say we can be friends again. And I tell him I won't be calling him, if he wants to hang out he can call me. I won't be going out of my way to make this work. So he texts me right away and I had deleted his number so I didn't know who it was. But he wanted to hang out and play music and I said sure, come by after work. And he did.

He shows up and we talk for a bit and are hella awkward. And he asks if I want to smoke a bowl and I say sure so we do. And then we sit on the couch in silence. being super awkward. And then he says really fast

"Wannamakeout?cuzI'mreallyhornyandI'dliketomakeoutwithyouifyou'dliketo" and he is just sitting perfectly still looking at me saying this.

"uh...sure." and I sit for a moment not moving and then we move towards each other and we are so awkward and stiff I think we'll bump heads but we don't and our lips meet somehow. And then his hand is on my back and it feels nice and everything actually feels nice.

And when we touch I'm not really that nervous anymore because it feels good and I don't have to think about what to say or what I look like because we are kissing and that's all I can think about. I privately wonder at how weird it is that I just had sex the night before with Dick, and I'm on my period, and I'm still thinking about fucking this guy. There goes my jamming buddy. I figure I'll never see him after this. It'll be too awkward.

We somehow move to the bed and I take my shirt off and soon we're naked except for my undies and I tell him I'm on my period but I'll still do him if he doesn't mind the mess. And he doesn't mind the mess. And we start trying to but he can't keep it hard. He says this always happens the first time. He has only slept with two other people, he only lost his virginity a year ago. And I'm thinking fffuuuuccckkkk. This may not be a good idea. and I try everything to get him hard and it seems futile and I feel weird about it and I can't tell how he feels.

Every time he gets hard we put on a condom and he immediately goes soft. I am horny and high and I don't give a damn. I get him hard and ask if we can skip the condom, I'm on the rag so who cares. He says, "Ok, I trust you." And we have some sex. But his dick is small and he doesn't seem to know what to do with me. He moans a lot. So much moaning when I'm barely doing anything! But we fuck all night. But he looks into my eyes and he says my name and he hugs me afterwards and wants to cuddle. and oddly instead of being annoyed with the sweetness I want to hug hug back. It frightens me. And in the morning he and I take a shower to get the blood off and then he tries to go to the bathroom in a towel and runs into my dad. God damn it.

He drops me off at work and about 40 seconds before we get there I ask where we are, as friends.
"Oh, well, I wasn't looking for anything serious." He looks guilty. Just what I thought.
"Either was I. So we're just friends?"
"Well, I mean..."
"I just mean are we allowed to sleep with other people?"
"Yeah, I mean, I won't... but it's your body I'm not going to stop you."
I can't tell if he just can't find anyone else to sleep with, or if he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. Whatever. So done. When I go to get out of his truck he leans in to kiss me.
I hesitate and then kiss him.

SPRING

Hello folks, sorry I haven't been updating much. I haven't wanted to bore you to death. It's same old same old here.

But anyways, as you may know, I am Wiccan. Which means today is a holiday for me, because today is the first day of spring. Yay spring! So happy Ostara to you!

My 3 yr old brother, Neal, has scarlet fever and had an allergic reaction to the medicine and has hives and skin peeling off his privates and is in an altogether horrid mood. Dean (the 5 yr old brother) fell off his bike and his tooth went through his lip, but he is in a good mood anyways. My dad is in a crappy mood because he has to do taxes.

Anyways...It is friday night/saturday morning and I just came back from another taco night at my co-worker's house. It was nice and very middle age-y. Except I'm in my early twenties so I want to rock out. I wanted to kick it up a notch but of course it hits like ten o'clock and two beers and everyone starts making their way home. Somehow I made plans to go out to a lame looking concert with two of the ladies tonight (as in Saturday night...because it is now Saturday). I am trying to convince them to go to the rocky horror picture show we me afterwards. I will go with or without them. But I went alone last time, I really want someone to go with me this time.

I'm planning the usual fun Ostara family stuff in the morning. I love being Wiccan but sometimes it bums me out when no one knows what Wicca is or I start explaining a holiday like Ostara and they go "oh, basically Easter, right?" and I'm like NO. EASTER IS ABOUT JUSES. FUCK YOU. Well actually that part makes me mad. I get bummed when I feel like I'm the only one though. Like I know other Wiccans but I don't have a coven like I used to so it's not the same.

I haven't been having tons of sex, or any sex actually. I got a bunch of new sex toys so I've been having fun with that. I like the glass dildo way more than I thought I would. But yeah. I went to a party last weekend and I stayed the night and I was naked hot tubbing and being my usual self, but feeling a little awkward because I didn't really know many people there. There was one dude who got me a beer and seemed into me but I kinda like his friend so I was like eeeeh, maybe not. So I just didn't let that go anywhere. Leave doors open for next time.

I've been having such male attention for a while and I didn't get as much at that party so now I feel like I should loose some weight or something. So I've been riding my bike to work once a week - it's about 9 miles each way. Takes me an hour each way. But I've been smoking pot at night and then I get hungry and eat a bunch of sweets and watch Family Guy or Torchwood or Law & Order: Criminal Intent. This is why I have not been updating.

But things will change, because it's spring!

Piano

One of the reasons I started this blog is to write about my crazy life, except that in writing this blog I have left out a giant part of my life - my family. So I'm going to start posting little tid bits, young memories that kind of build upon each other like stones in a fence around me.

The day we got the piano was not very special. I didn't know anything about it until my father pushed it through the door, with some help from the neighbors. There was no where to put it, so they put it in the kitchen. This was before we remodeled, so the kitchen was dark with yellowish tiles and dark brown cupboards, and a greying pink paint covering the walls like a sunburn poorly hidden. The fridge purred next to the piano and the guys wiped the sweat from their brows, hands on their hips starring at it. No one knew how to play it.

My mom got it from this meth head lesbians who had painted it white. I think it was payment for some drugs, but I'm not sure. Inside was a lovely rich brown wood with a glossy finish. The keys were made of real ivory but some of them had been peeled off, the glue still stuck on the wood on some keys. I studied each key and imagined they were portraits of men with interesting faces. The bench that we had was broken and didn't match the piano at all, but it was a bench. I itched to touch all the keys, but I was too afraid. I didn't want to make noise, I wanted to make music. My parents used the piano as a place to pile paperwork and things. It was kept closed with stuff all over it; most people didn't even realize it was a piano, they thought it was a desk or something.

I begged for lessons but my parents said no. My sister had gotten a flute for band and bailed on it after two weeks - they weren't doing that again. So I didn't get in band either, which I was bummed about. Then grandma gave us girls all tiny pianos, about 12 white keys and each key was smaller than my finger. But the keys lit up and played 10 songs. I memorized the songs and cleared off the table one day, putting the little keyboard up like a music book. I learned ode to Joy when no one was home. I played it over and over. I didn't even hear my mom come in.

She came into the kitchen with a baseball bat held back, her face a mix of fear and rage.
"Holy Jesus, Sky. Give me a heart attack."
I looked at her silently, hands still suspended over the keys.
"I thought someone broke in!" She said, throwing her hands to each side, like "duh". "I thought they must of broke in and were playing the piano, I mean no one knows how to play the piano. Were you playing the piano?"
"Ode to Joy."
"Where'd you learn that?"
"The little keyboard plays it, and I just matched it to the big piano."
She looked worried.

I would get lessons a year and a half after this, my dad thumbing through the yellow pages and calling everyone on the music store's list with his nervous fake professional voice "Hello sir, good day. I was wondering if I could inquire about piano lessons for my daughter.... Ah yes, thank you for your time, we will call you again if we are indeed interested in obtaining a lesson from your organization."
I was nervously sending my father loving thoughts as he did this. I was watching him from around the corner, my hands clenched tightly around the sleeves of my sweater.

My piano teacher lived on the outside of town past the cemetery and the Christmas tree farm. Her house was unremarkable, surrounded mostly by fields. She showed me her back garden once, and that was beautiful. It had a little pond and a platform with two chairs facing the fields, she said they called it the field room. There was a hammock hanging under some berry bushes and raised vegetable beds amidst a wildflower garden. She was tall and slim with long thick grey hair, and little laugh lines around her eyes. One look at her and you'd think, new age hippy for sure. Which pegged her. She talked like a therapist, always said I couldn't sue the word "can't", so I would say "I think I am not able to at this time" instead, which made her smile and give a disapproving look. I would actually end up confiding a lot into her, sometimes we would waste a third of the lesson talking. I still am in touch with her. I quit taking lessons when I graduated high school, I figured it was too expensive anyways.

My mom always hated the noise. She would say "if only you wouldn't play the same song over and over", "But I have to practice songs over and over to get them right", "well you asked! Why do you have to play right now?"
My dad would listen to the radio in the car and turn to me, pinching above my knee which made me jump. "Why arn't you playing like this by now?" He would smile and pretend to play the piano to some blues song.

I like playing at night when no one is listening, no one is around.

The Past Two Weeks

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

When I Lost my Glasses

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
Splash.
"Fuck!"
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.


Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

I'm going soft on you

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?

Choices...

Limbo

I'm not sure what to say because everything kinda weird right now. I'm in limbo with all these people.

There is one dude I haven't decided if I want to meet or not from cl, then there is Heavy - I told him I haven't decided if it is a good idea to fuck him or not. He is being very chill about it. Then there is Andon, who I haven't talked to much but his girlfriend moves away tomorrow - which means he will be single. I like him the most. Which I think is obvious by now. Coop is also around, turns out he has moved back here. But I'm not sure if he gets that I would be down to be like friends with benefits with him, but at the same time I don't want to be too obvious about it incase he gets weireded out. Then at the same time not much to lose, it isn't like we hang out a lot. And another girl and I were connecting through CL until she realized we had gone to High School together, which I think freaked her out. Which is lame because she was pretty cute and I don't even remember her from back then. I wonder what she remembers about me? I feel like there is someone I am forgetting.

Anyways, my sex life is in Limbo.

I want to go down south and get wasted for v-day. Hopefully that will happen. Otherwise it's going to be depressing.

John

This post is for John.

He called me this morning. He said he is still friends with me, why wouldn't he be. and he just asked that Lynn and I stop fighting - and he said they arn't dating. Whatever. I'm going to try to stop by his work today.

But he said he was going to read the blog. This makes me nervous. Everything on here is truthful but it's weird having someone I know read it, especially because of the subject matter and the fact that he is the subject matter sometimes.

So John, if you are reading this...weird.

And for you other folks, I will have two very interesting posts sometime today or tomorrow. It's been a weird weekend.

Heavy

I've been naming people after their e-mail address. So this dude is named Heavy. He is one of the CL dudes. He sent me a pic of himself in army fatigues. He is blond with short hair and blue eyes. He said he wanted to chat a bit before we meet up so he gave me his number and we texted each other. Here is how it ran:

Me: hi
Heavy: Hi. My name is ***** by the way. How are ya?
Me: I'm good, just chatting to people and listening to modest mouse.
Heavy: I'm listening to the Kings of Leon.
Heavy: So you are looking for a fwb?
Me: Kind of. Just a one time thing and if its really good we could do a fwb
Heavy: Sounds good. What type of one time thing would you be looking for? Is there a fantasy in mind or circumstance?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this. Is there something you had in mind?
Heavy: It would seem you need a guide. Someone who can make you comfortable, and make you feel sexy. Maybe we meet up and keep the chit chat minimal, and focus on glances and restraint. Teasing.
Me: You sound awesome
Heavy: I can give you what you want, but more to the point, I can show you what you want. I'm slow and easy taking in every moment and dragging out the impulse to lose control.
Heavy: You can remain in control and still lose yourself in the moment. Are you 420 friendly?
Me: Yeah
Heavy: You're in luck. So tell me something about you.
Me: What would you like to know?
Heavy: What ever you think a perspective sex partner should know. Don't be bashful, it will dull your experience.
Me:I am shy in person. When it comes to sex I like it a little rough.
Heavy: Good girl.
Heavy: That's a big piece of the puzzle. The more pieces I find the better the sex gets. You ever considered being a submissive?
Me: Actually yes, but my friend that I was going to try it with lives in L.A. and I don't have a car.
Heavy: I could train you from time to time. So you live nearby?
Me: Yeah.
Heavy: I think we will hit if off tomorrow.



So tomorrow came and I got up early to go meet him. We were supposed to meet at Starbucks, which I chose because I never go there. But I had been talking to this other guy about meeting there too, but I had changed my mind and couldn't get ahold of him - in short, I was afraid both guys would be there. Awkward to say the least. So I switched it to the smoothie place next door.
When I ordered my smoothie I turned around and there was a man staring at me very intently. He was wearing a button up plaid blue shirt, very cowboy-ish.
"Do you like table top arcade games?" He motioned to the pac man game they had there.
"I haven't played them much." I said.
I sat down across from him and looked down at the arcade game. Little flashing lights and a tune playing that clashed with the dance music playing in the smoothie place.
He had tattoos all over his arms. They weren't full on sleeves because there were spaces between the tattoos. His hands were even tattooed. I can't even remember what was said. I usually go for medium or lean/athletic build guys. This guy is a tad bit heavier but he was so charismatic. I wanted to keep talking to him. In that moment I was thinking "My life amazes me. How much luckier could I get?"
He asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said sure but then we ran into the problem of where. I couldn't go back to my place in the middle of the day and expect privacy - my mom had been bothering me all morning. And my siblings are very young and loud. He suggested we go to a park. He leaned and looked me in the eyes.
"I would like to fuck your brains out right now, I just don't know where we would go."
And that's when I realized he was talking about more than smoking today.
"I'm not in High School anymore, I like being inside."
"Oh you were that girl in High School?"
"Yeah, but I didn't sleep around. I had sex in lakes, parks, beds, bathrooms..."
"Anywhere starting with the letter b..."
I laughed.
"You don't seem shy."
"I'm shy about...certain things."
"Oh, 'certain' things." We both knew I was saying sex.
"Well, I'll give you this. There is more where that came from. And text me when you want to get together."
He handed me a nugget wrapped in plastic.
"Will do."
He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him a brief one.
We both started walking away.
"I don't want to leave you right now, ugh."
I laughed, "Goodbye."
He texted me five minutes later. I was practically giddy. So happy.
"Are you going to text me again or have I scared you?"
"I'll text you."
"I really want to come over right now. You've got me all hot and bothered"
hmmm, weird. I didn't actually flirt with him much. How was he 'hot and bothered' by our little hello?
"We should have made out."
ick.
"Should I come over?"
"Not now."

I'm not sure if it is my doubts or what. Like I have a feeling I would have to have a conversation with him and he might actually try and make me cum, which is very embarrassing for me for some reason. I know when I met him and right afterwards I thought it was the best thing ever and I felt super lucky. But by the time he finished texting me I was not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it will be a really good idea or really bad idea. I wish I knew! I liked his personality when I talked to him but now I'm not sure. And he seemed neither ugly nor attractive - I didn't feel that excitement when you meet someone you really want to fuck.

To fuck, or not to fuck - that is the question.

My Life is très awesome

I can't believe my life is so awesome.

Some guy had the word fries in his e-mail address and at the time I couldn't remember his name so I put him in my cell as Fries. So Fries was one of the guys who I responded to from Craig's List. He seemed cute enough. He gave me his number, said he would be free after eight so I texted him. and he texted back.

We met in front of a pizza parlor. I walked there and he drove. He stepped out of his old white car, "Hi."
"Hello"
"Did you walk here?"
"Yeah, I live just down the way" I pointed.
"Wanna go back to your place?"
"Shuuuure."
and into the car we went.
He asked about my house and I said it is a studio and left it at that. He parked behind my dad's car.
"Do a lot of people live here?"
"No, not really." I led the way up the path to my door.
I turned off the outside light as we went in and locked the door to the rest of the house, he locked the front door. I put my hair up and said something about my place being messy. I asked if he had done this before and he said "Yeah, a few times. I've met some interesting people." He took off his glasses, i took off mine.
He kissed me. Standing up he was much taller than me. I was in heels and he still had to lean down. I'm not going to lie, I was feeling nervous. I started thinking and then I told myself no - stop thinking. Just. stop. thinking.
"Wanna hit the lights?" He asked.
So I did.
"Lead the way." He said.
I led him to my bed and he sat down, pulling me onto him.
He kissed me passionately, his hand on the back of my head. I kissed him back. Kisses amaze me because they are so personal, everyone has a different kiss. His used very little tongue but still managed to feel lusty. Full mouth kiss. We took off our clothes quickly.
At first I had wondered why he wanted the lights off - I have never had a guy make that request before, they usually want to see everything. But I immediately could see the benefits of it. You become much less focused on how you look and how the other person looks - it is all about how it feels. Which is nice.
He pulled out a condom right away. Not much foreplay. He guided himself into me, with me on top. We kept having this problem of him slipping out but we just laughed it off after the second time. It felt very carefree. He had short hair so I couldn't grab it, so instead I held on to his back, running my fingers across it I kissed his neck a gave it a nibble. I was careful not to mark him though. He got on top of me.
It was fairly good sex considering that it was a one night stand. He didn't quite figure out how I wanted it until the end though, which was a bit disappointing. I did get to try a position I've been wanting to get better at - him sitting up and me facing away from him. That was fun. Doggy style was a bit painful at first, which sometimes happens, but then I just changed the angle of my hips and I was reminded of why I liked that position so much. But in the end it came back to him on top, with my legs up. My favorite position. I like how it feels and I like the weight of a man on top of me, I like to see their shoulder and arm muscles working, I like grabbing their butts.

It was pleasant. Afterwards he threw away the condom and kissed me, putting on his clothes. I put my shirt on. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was here.
"It was nice meeting you." He said, reaching out to shake my hand as he went out the door.
"Nice to meet you too." I said, smiling.

What Should I Do?

I've been thinking about the whole Lynn thing that happened this morning. It made me wonder if the risks of having the blog are worth it. I risk embarrassment and harassment. Losing friends (but were they really friends?).

I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.

Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.

What will make me happiest?


My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.

Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.

Bad way to start the day

So of course someone found out about this website and I shall give you an exact transcript. This marks the day I started using code names instead of real names, btw.

Lynn
theres a reason why John doesnt answer your phone calls...its because you annoy the hell out of him and he loves me ....stop posting shit online about how you think he wants to have sex with you hes not interested in you get it through your big head...you are hella delusional ...you are very two faced thats not a good quality to have ...if all you have to write about online is my boyfriend then thats sad get a life...stop trying to be a home wrecker you assface...also stop talking about Johns drug use online that shits just not right let him have some fucking dignity....you would have a better sex life if your personality wasnt so ugly....

Sky
Lynn, I am guessing from this that you found my website. It's anonymous and if he wanted I could change his name on there. And obviously my sex life is fine. When I wrote that John wasn't dating you and the only reason I thought he wanted to have sex with me is because he asked to have sex with me. We've been talking about having a threesome for years, before he even knew you. I wouldn't do anything with John while he is dating someone. I'm not in love with John and I don't want to date John. We've always been friends.
If John thinks that about me he should get some balls and tell me. I call because he is my friend. If he doesn't want to be friends he should tell me. I figured he stopped calling because he always stops calling when you two are dating.
And I'm not two faced, I'm honest. Look who sweet talks me one second and then sends me nasty messages the next?

Lynn
im not sweet talking you i was trying to be your friend you have no interest in being friends with me your just trying to get close with john... you would feel the same way if you thought someone was trying to be your friend too and then you found out all that shit...its just lame i'm tired of trying with you dude....you should just get all of that crap out of your head ...its not going to happen dear

Lynn
also john doesnt call you not cause hes with me ...he doesnt call you because "your not a cool person"....direct quote

Sky
I would like to be frinds with you but every time I try you think i am trying to make a move on John and you get hella jealous! if he loves you nothing will ever happen with me so why are you worried? I will NEVER do anything with him while he is dating someone. the only reason I wanted to have sex with him he is because i've been experimenting and its nice to do with someone you trust, and he was SINGLE and HE ASKED TO. I didn't even bring it up! He did! I don't find him attractive - I just like his personality. and I like yours. Why can't you accept that?

Sky
and like i said, if he thinks that about me he should call and tell me.

Lynn
Johns not that rude

Sky
it's not being rude - it's being honest

What's wrong with me?

Tonight I have been making conclusions, and I have been thinking.

1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.


So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.

John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?

I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.

Private parts

I decide to give myself a break. from the mundane, from life.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:

We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.

Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.

So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.

NERDY POST: apples

Every once in a while I just do a nerdypost and go on about some subject.

Hello apples.

Plants use humans to their advantage - compare us to the bee, who thinks he is getting the best of the deal from flowers ...but really, plants are using the bee to reproduce. Same thing with humans. Apples taste good, and by appealing to our senses they have spread around the world.

The apple started in the forests of Kazakhstan. There are apple forests there, where apples grow wild, but most types of apples are inedible. From Asia the apple traveled both east and west, and "eating apples" became popular. Apples were brought to the New World as well. This is where it gets interesting.

It was a law in some areas of what is now the U.S. that settlers would have to plant a few fruit trees, to show they were staying. Johnny Appleseed became famous because he would go out a little ways and start orchards and then a few years later when settlers came he would sell them the saplings. He got quite rich.

Since most apples are inedible or at least taste bad the only way to get good eating apples is to do grafting - cloning the old plant by putting one of the old tree's buds onto the new tree. Now you have a clone of the original. But the interesting thing is Johnny Appleseed was this purist and he thought it was best not to mess with god's creations. So he planted seeds. In each apple every single seed is different from each other and the parent fruit. This is a way that the fruit adapts to environments. Because of this adaptation you can have a delicious apple and plant it's seeds and get no good eating apples.

So settlers end up with all these inedible apples. There was a shortage of clean drinking water, and so the setters used the apples to make cider. It turns out that the best apples for making alcoholic cider and actually the bitter inedible apples they all had. Everyone started doing it! President Adams drank it with breakfast every morning. But then drinking and public drunkenness went up and there was a public outcry against alcohol, and cider especially. Protesters actually went out and chopped down apple trees. This was the beginning of the prohibition movement, outlawing alcohol. The farmers who had hard cider orchards could no longer make cider, since it was against the law. So they had to change their market, and they planted seeds and kept their eyes out for good eating apples. When they found a good apple they would use grafting to clone the eating apple, and they would make all of their trees that one kind of eating apple. They would name it and keep cloning trees with the goal of selling their apples nation wide. This is how we got the varieties you see in the store - Fuji, Red Delicious, Honey Crisp, Granny Smith, Pink Ladies, etc.

But if you are cloning all these apples and not allowing them to evolve, problems like disease, bacteria and pests have a chance to catch up and break through the apple's defenses. If you know anything about potatoes, same thing happened with them during the potato famine. So farmers use pesticides and throw billions of dollars of chemicals on these apples — that we eat.

Thankfully some people see the obvious solution — let the apples evolve! Some farmers have apple collections with over 5,000 different types of apples and they use them to breed and to experiment with, in the hopes of using some of the apple's natural defenses against pests. I would hope that farmers would cross breed randomly, but customers want the specific varieties of apples they are used to. So instead farmers are genetically modifying popular apples, adding new genes to help their defenses.

I think we should just embrace the diversity of apples. One farmer realized he couldn't compete with the big corporations making popular apples, so he switched to antique eating apples which are good for eating, but not sweet like the ones in the store. Most apples are not very sweet, but the ones that became popular are super sweet. The farmer grew all of these apples of varying sizes, colors, textures, acidity levels and sweetnesses. Some even had backdrops, like one had a nutty flavor. But he couldn't make a living selling them so he went back to growing good old fashioned hard cider apples — and oddly enough the best apples for hard cider taste horrible.

Apples have intertwined their history with ours, and by using us they have spread almost everywhere we have. They started out in just a small forested area in Kazakhstan and by tempting our desire for sweetness they have assured that their seeds will be grown and their species will thrive.

I just find this all amazing. How the apple changes and how we help and hinder that process, the varieties, what they can be used for. And can you imagine apple forests? Seriously, a forest of apple trees. I got all of this information from the documentary "Botany of Desire", based on the book by Michael Pollan.