Monday, December 21, 2009

In which Scott freaks out

So Scott doesn't respond to my text last night, or this morning. or a facebook message. It is Yule, which is the Wiccan x-mas, and it is his day off and he kind of said he wanted to see me so I wanted to know when.

Then I saw him on aim. He said he was sorry for not getting back to me, and "we need to talk". oh dear. We ALL know what that means. So I suggested walk towards each other's house, we will meet half way. I didn't want to be caged up inside. I brought my cell and my ipod, so if we broke up I could walk and listen to music or talk to someone. I was nervous as I walked, and I prayed he would not break up with me. It's Yule!

So when we met it started to rain. And my glasses were spreckled so I twirled them in my hands. It was cool but not cold, I was wearing my black little dress and a brown zip up sweater, made of something itchy. I had borrowed my mom's Ugg boots. When we meet up I was more than halfway. We didn't touch.

He slowly came out with it - he didn't want a serious relationship. He didn't want to meet my family because it would be too serious. I suggested we just have fun. He said if he continued seeing me it would become serious. It was already becoming serious. He suggested a break. I agreed on a break because I didn't want to break up with him. But even though I like dhim I realized I was just setting myself up for torture - I didn't want to to wait around for him to be ready to be off a 'break'. We talked and walked across town, against the creek and back towards our houses. It was well over an hour walk. Mostly we talked about anything but us. Finally at his street I stopped him.

"Do you want a break, like check in two weeks from now?"
"No, maybe just stop seeing each other for a while and if we decide later-"
"Dude, stop trying to give me the nicey nice lines. Do you want to break up?"
"Ok. See, be straight up man." It's funny, I don't think I have ever been this myself with him.
"Well this is awkward."
"Only for you" I laughed. "Hug?"
He leaned down and we hugged.
"Well it was nice meeting you Scott."
"it was nice meeting you too Sky"
I waved a hand as I turned and walked down towards my house, and I pulled out my phone. Time to spread the news. Tell everyone we broke up, after only a month. Less than a month. I wish he had been straight forward, but I think he was. He started dating me and then realized he didn't really want to date someone - he just wants to "meet people" which to me sounds like sleep with various people.
I thought I would be sadder, and I kind of was but not really. It didn't hit me or something. I wish we had breakup sex though, but I knew he wouldn't be down. No hard feelings, but if I ever meet him again there may be awkward feelings. I kind of knew it wouldn't work out because it wasn't clicking in the bedroom. Making out was hot but everything else wasn't working for me. I'm really glad the whole thing happened though. It made me feel more confident about myself, and I learned a thing or two. But it is kinda sad too. I'm not sure how I really feel about it. It takes the pressure off because I was worried I would fall in love and then have a tough time leaving for the Peace Corps. On the other hand, I really want to be loved. Or at least cared for. Someone to have sex and cuddle with. So it is sad, but I'm glad I didn't get my heart broken.

But it is fucking Yule. I am supposed to have sex and get drunk. Sex seems to be my coping mechanism anyways. This calls for only one thing - going to my home town.

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