Saturday, January 16, 2010

No one is Coming

I've been planning this party.

I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.

As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.

Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.

No one is Coming.

And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.

Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.

I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.