You Make Me Nervous

SO the weekend approaches.

I am having this "shin dig" which is code for low key party. But I am so freaked out by it. I am very nervous no one will show up, except like 2 people who will come super late and then all the booze will be horrible and undrinkable except I'll drink it and make an ass of myself and the music will make everyone scoff at me and all my clothes will be lost and I will have to wear something horrid and then their heads will explode and MY CARPET WILL BE RUINED BY THE BLOOD.

So I'm feeling anxious about that.

Andon said he is coming, but I actually haven't talked to him since this time last week. Which seemed like a long time until I wrote it just now. I hate being hung up on someone. I could be spending these weeks thinking about him and then nothing may ever happen. That just seems foolish. I don't even know what I want anyways - I want to keep jamming with him, and I would like to have sex with him. But date? I don't want to date anyone right now. Maybe like friends with benefits but I don't even know if he'd be down for that. He said he would be single again in January, but it would be rude of me to ask about a specific date I think. But I'm nervous he will come to the party and one or both of the following will happen: he won't have a good time at my party/with my friends and or I will get drunk and he will find out I like him, most likely the hard way.

Hella nervous.

I talked to my cousin Alyssa today. She is a bit uptight. I was telling her how I like being single but I was at loss to tell her why. I really wanted to say "I just like fucking anyone who asks me to". But I think that would ruin any good thoughts she has about me. I read her diary once and she said I act like a know it all and I come from white trash. And she thinks my sister is an idiot. All of which may be true, though I hope I don't act like that now, but the fact she looked down on us for these character flaws hurt me. But anyways I was telling her I wanted to have adventures and not settle down for a while.
"That makes sense, you just want to have a memorable and meaningful life"
"Actually I don't care if it's meaningful. I just want to have fun."
"Uh...well, ok."
Best part of the conversation?
"I don't even know anyone my age who is having kids, I feel so old getting married!"
"Really? My friend had a baby senior year of High School. At least ten of my friends have kids and only two of those are married."
"OMG. What are they doing?"
"Each other obviously."