Monday, January 11, 2010

Stupid Things I Do

So when Friday approached I wondered to myself, is this a good idea? Probably not. But I doubt myself and I feel like doing something reckless so I drink a beer and when HS dude asks I tell him how to get to my house. He comes over at 1 in the morning. When I open the door he is wearing a sweatshirt and smells like some weird chewing gum, and he starts kissing me. But little pecks. He is taller than me and has short hair, he is middle eastern. He takes off his thick black glasses.

He pulls me over to the couch, pulls me on top of him. I am straddling him and we are kissing, but it is weird because he doesn't kiss with tongue. Which takes half the fun out of it. I take off my top and bra. He kisses my nipple. I ask him if he is going to get undressed or if it will just be me. We stand up to move towards the bed, and as he takes off clothes he kisses me and in between each piece of clothing he says "yes!". He seems almost thankful, and that bugs me. I don't want to do a guy who feels I am doing a favor for him. But no real turning back now. I kick off my shorts and panties, and he goes "oh, yeah, taking off panties, no big deal". He must be talking to himself. Now I am getting the feeling he has lied about his experience, because seriously who says that?

I am going from feeling empowered that I can just call someone and they come over for sex, to feeling like this was a horrid idea. At least I'm drunk.

So I just decide to fuck him and get him out of here. I put the condom on him and get on top. He is enjoying the shit out of this. I suggest position changes. He seems like another one of those sweet lovers. Good damn I hate that. I just keep having to say harder, deeper, faster. No matter how hard or deep or fast he goes it does not feel like enough. Some positions he gets at an angle where it kinda hurts, but I just go with it because I just want to feel something and it kinda hurts but the hurting is the only thing that is turning me on. I wear the dude out. He is dripping sweat at the end of round one. He wants to get me off, but nothing is happening for me. He has become the biggest turn off for me. He reminds me of London Joe in a bad way. He seems so grateful to be fucked. He isn't as muscular as I thought he would be, and just not satisfying. When I look at him I don't feel any lust. And he is obviously very hairy and tried to wax or shave or something, and now he is just prickly everywhere. Like ew. I actually consider kicking him out before he is done. But I decide to be polite. I did agree to this.

He tries to go down on me but I after a few seconds I kinda pull away, and he tried to finger me but I ain't faking nothing, and I tell him not to bother. He seems confused. He says this always works, he always gets the ladies to come like this. Dude, that's what they all say. I laugh and tell him I'm complicated. Round two. The one thing I like is he puts my legs straight up against his chest which is kinda fun. Mid fuck he asks me if I would like to date him. I tell him that I have a girlfriend and am just having my man fix. hahahaha. He keeps wanting to take breaks (who needs a break from sex?). I'm not sure if he is tired or if he is trying not to cum. Either way he eventually does, but the condom doesn't look very full to me so he may have faked it but I don't care. I tell him before he is even out that I need to get up early, he should go. He doesn't want to go. He mentions like three times that my house is closer to his work and he has to work early too. I push him towards the door and when he tries to kiss me I give him a peck and open the door for him. Buh-bye.

Immediately after he is gone I go on-line. I feel shitty about the whole thing. I can't believe I didn't just change my mind when he came in. At first it felt empowering but then it turned into a pity fuck. Fuckbeans. I talk to my friend Kaylee on-line. We have always been friends but have never had much to talk about. When ever we hang out with just us we stare at each other and have nothing to say. But I talked to her all night. Turns out once you talk about sex bluntly she starts opening up. She has always been shy about sharing the details of her sexual history. She told me not to be so hard on myself. We all do stupid things. We all get drunk and horny. We both talked about how sometimes liking sex makes us feel slutty. We both talked about how wanting more sex than the guy makes us fell like whores.

I took off my sheets. I had just taken a shower but I take another one. I can't seem to get rid of the smell of him and that damn fruity lube. I need to get rid of that lube (Scott left it). But I am drunk and moody so I also talk to this guy who is Andon's best friend. Stupidly. I tell him I just fucked someone and regretted it. I also tell him I had depression and mild OCD. Then I freak out and go oh gawd are you going to tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, oh my drunkenness gives me no filters baaahhh. But he says "you said nothing worth sharing". I'm not sure if he is being nice or patronizing. Either way I thank him and we talk of other things. I am up until 4am talking to him and Kaylee. She says our talk is Epic, we need to hang out more. I agree.

The memory of this night follows me like a lingering scent in the air, haunting me where ever I go. I feel stupid and kinda dirty. Sort of ashamed. I'm not sure why I did it, looking backwards. At the time it seemed important to do even if it turned out badly, because I knew it could. Oh well.

Somehow this makes me want to do someone else really badly. Like if a new memory comes it will replace the old ones and I'll only remember the newest one the most. And that one will be better.

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