Someone to talk to

I haven't updated in a while because I face every bloggers dilemma: how many secrets is it prudent to share, if my secrets involve someone else?

If I write about my sex life I'm also revealing things about my partner, and even though I change names I write knowing that anyone could read it and figure out who the real people are. People can get hurt. Well, their feelings anyways. Privacy is a tricky thing.

I love my boyfriend so much, I don't want to write about any issues he is having on here because what if one day someone reads it and it gets back to him and people think bad things about him? Or what if I hurt his feelings? That is my problem.


And I face that problem again today especially because I need someone to talk to, or really more someone to listen to me, but it's about private stuff so I can't tell just anymore. Not something you can share on facebook.


This is what I will say about today. My boyfriend gets depressed sometimes, and I've battled depression so I felt like I know what he is going through. But I don't and he tells me so. I was depressed because I was lonely - and now that I have him I am no longer lonely, so I'm no longer depressed. He says he would kill himself if he wasn't so afraid, and he says he hates his life and wants to drop out of college. I'm like, I am a huge part of your life! How can you want to kill yourself if you have me? How can you hate your life with me. But I don't say these things, I just say I am sorry and I wish I could make things better and i try to point out the good things but it's like the more I try the more he says I don't understand he tries to sleep to get away from everything. And then sometimes he says something that breaks my heart, like today we were texting and he was depressed and I said what about what we have, isn't that good, isn't that worth living for? and he said he would throw it all away to end the pain.

and I just cried, because what else can I do?


when I think about Andon and I and our future, I imagine getting married and traveling for a bit and then settling somewhere and having kids. I imagine playing music, going to the river, watching movies snuggled on the couch, hiking through the woods. He says he wants marriage and kids with me too. But then reality rears it's ugly head.

Even though we have many days of happiness he gets depressed and nothing can cheer him and it brings me down and sometimes he says hurtful things. If he gets frustrated he will give out an angry yell and start hitting himself, which scares the crap out of me. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk to me if he's in a bad mood. We both struggle with our weight. We both smoke a ton of weed, which will probably kill our lungs, and I don't know if either of us will ever want to quit. One of the biggest problems for me is he doesn't like being around my family - my family is my center. I miss them. He can't even stand to be at their house for a few hours, he won't talk and gets all shifty and uncomfortable and leaves. I have never had many friends, I'm used to hanging out with my family all the time. I don't know what to do.


But then when I think about life without him...I don't want to. For all his faults he is super caring and sweet. He always knows when I am upset and can cheer me up in an instant. He knows how to make me laugh, he notices little things I do like how I like to make toast and he'll try to make it my way for me. We like watching a lot of the same shows and listening to a lot of the same music. He always likes to cuddle with me, even if it doesn't lead to sex. He does things I like to do, he is willing to suffer through musicals with me. I feel so close to him, like he understands me, like I have finally found someone who I can trust. He loves being with me all the time, we spend all of our time outside of work together. He is the first man I've had an orgasm with during sex (with no help from my hands or a vibe, yay). He likes making cute-sy pet names, like he calls me his cuddle love and his babey babe. He tells me how great I am (even when I don't feel great). He tells me at least a few times every day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. We hardly go a day without sex. I am never unhappy with him unless he is unhappy.

I feel lost and found. I feel like my soulmate has found me. Yet I still feel lost and confused. lost and found.


and now he wants to at least drop his summer classes. Part of me wishes he would suck it up - just the school part. He is always complaining about school and how much b.s. it is and how he doesn't agree with most of his professors and they are all stupid. And I get it, I had a lot of crazy teachers I didn't agree with, but you learn how to get things done and pass even though the teacher sucks and is saying nothing useful. Even if you hate all the reading you get through the class and get it done. He's like "I hate my life" but he has a free ride to a great school and only a year left there (and he has a 3.9 GPA), he has me and an apartment and we haven't ran out of weed since last July. He has an IT job that might lead to a full time position once he graduates. We can afford to go out to eat and take road trips. Sure, I admit neither of us have any real good friends and his family life sucks but those are minor things in my eyes. He says he can't find anything to do, and that always makes him depressed. We have so much to do but he doesn't want to do any of it, he didn't like the prescription anti-depressants, and he won't try any of my suggestions for curing depression like more exercise. I just wish I could make him feel better, it makes me feel like I'm failing and it makes me worry that we won't be together forever. and if he doesn't graduate he will always feel bad about it an he on't be able to find a job, and where will that leave us?

I know that's alot, but I just needed someone to listen. Thanks.

Davis, CA

So these last few weeks have been crazy. I promise when things settle down I'll put the stuff from my real journal onto here.

On August 31st, 2010 I became a girl who lives with her boyfriend.

!

So now I live in Davis with Andon and we are happy. haha. Actually we are stressed as all heck. We are both looking for jobs and not finding any. We got a great roommate named Rick. He plays in a band, works the night shift at a mental hospital, and smokes pot. So that's exciting.

We've got everything moved in and just a few boxes left to unpack. I'm going to night school in the hopes of getting a better job.

The sex has been pretty infrequent. I don't want to say "drying up" though. The problem is I was having some unusual bleeding after every sex session, but I'm on depo so I thought oh maybe it's spotting or something. Then it seemed like I started my period but it was kind of light. And I've been on my period for over two weeks now. We still have sex, don't get me wrong, but no more going down on me which means no orgasms for Sky.

I tried bringing up toys or us both masturbating together because he seems upset about the idea of me going solo. But he did not really take it well. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to orgasm during sex and he can't do it with his fingers so do I just not get any?

We are also stressed and running around like crazy doing little errands and we just don't have enough spare time to have sex. When we finally get home at night, around 10pm, we cuddle and talk for a few minutes and then one of us is horny and the other passes out. Who is horny and who is sleepy kind of switches.

Yesterday we got in a fight about nothing. I wanted to cuddle but he didn't want to. So I got sad. When I came back from the bathroom he is horny and wants to have sex. I'm all for it but I need time to switch from sad to horny mode. He realizes I haven't switched yet, gets upset, and pulls away. I start crying, he leaves the room. I decide not to wait for him to come back for hours like last time and I run out to the kitchen and ask acusingly, "Why do you always leave when I cry?" He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, innocently sipping his coffee.
"I didn't know you were crying."
"Whatever!" I am sobbing and I go right back into the room to cry. I come out a few times and ask him to come into the bedroom when he is ready to talk.
But it's already noon and we said we would be back home at noon so now we're really late. We're going to a music festival that is hours away and it will be over if we don't go soon.
So finally I confront him, tell him what time it is and tell him we can either talk about it in the living room or he can come to the bedroom. Everything I've been feeling all days comes spilling out of my mouth, but he doesn't say anything. He says he doesn't know what to say. I start to cry and he holds me, and we cuddle. I want to have sex. He doesn't.

It is a long quiet and strained drive back home.

We go to our old dealer's house (We haven't found a new one yet) and I say before we go in "we need to get in and get out, no smoking." She has 3 bongs packed and ready to smoke. SO we smoke. An then we have to go to my mom's house and I just try and act normal and get the kayaks to go to the river music festival. But by the time we get there it is already late, only an hour and a half left before the concert ends.

It takes a while to get the kayaks to the water and then to paddle to where the concert is. We get there for the last few seconds of the last song. Then we go back.

We drop everything off at my mom's, drive back to Davis (our new home) and go to his friend's birthday party. No one is drinking much but Andon starts taking shot after shot of bourbon. He wants to get wasted. And he does.

After an hour and a half at the party he is puking in the bathroom. He lays down on their tile floor next to the patio door. I convince him we should go. When I take him to the truck he is crying. I get him home and he wants a shower and ice cubes to suck on. He wants me in the shower too. I sit there with him laying on me, singing him songs as he moans and every once in a while he leans forward and barfs. I get him to bed and he wraps up in all the blankets. Then cries it's too hot. He mumbles a lot about how he can't do anything right. Then he mumbles more and I have no idea what he is saying.

In the morning he is still drunk. He keeps bothering me and I want to sleep. He says when I wake up he wants to have sex. He misses me.

When I do wake up he is no longer drunk but hungover and doesn't feel good. So we cuddle and then decide to smoke so he doesn't feel sick anymore. Then we have sex. And every time we have sex it's amazing. He's amazing. But I think he is still upset I haven't orgasmed during sex. I keep hoping I will but try as I might it just ruins the sex when I make it all about cumming.

He helped me hang stuff around the apartment and then went on a bike ride, and probably back to his friend's house. They are the only people we know in Davis.

I am planning to make a crazy awesome dinner tonight but I don't think he really appreciates how much effort I am putting into it. I asked him cookies or cupcakes and he says "I don't care." Well fuck, if you don't care who does?

I am so glad I have him though. He makes my world, which scares me because if he is gone then everything is gone. But I have to let myself get close, I can't hold back if I want this to work. I love him to death.

I wish we could cuddle and hang out high and naked all day like we did in the summer.