The Past Two Weeks

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

Limbo

I'm not sure what to say because everything kinda weird right now. I'm in limbo with all these people.

There is one dude I haven't decided if I want to meet or not from cl, then there is Heavy - I told him I haven't decided if it is a good idea to fuck him or not. He is being very chill about it. Then there is Andon, who I haven't talked to much but his girlfriend moves away tomorrow - which means he will be single. I like him the most. Which I think is obvious by now. Coop is also around, turns out he has moved back here. But I'm not sure if he gets that I would be down to be like friends with benefits with him, but at the same time I don't want to be too obvious about it incase he gets weireded out. Then at the same time not much to lose, it isn't like we hang out a lot. And another girl and I were connecting through CL until she realized we had gone to High School together, which I think freaked her out. Which is lame because she was pretty cute and I don't even remember her from back then. I wonder what she remembers about me? I feel like there is someone I am forgetting.

Anyways, my sex life is in Limbo.

I want to go down south and get wasted for v-day. Hopefully that will happen. Otherwise it's going to be depressing.

Heavy

I've been naming people after their e-mail address. So this dude is named Heavy. He is one of the CL dudes. He sent me a pic of himself in army fatigues. He is blond with short hair and blue eyes. He said he wanted to chat a bit before we meet up so he gave me his number and we texted each other. Here is how it ran:

Me: hi
Heavy: Hi. My name is ***** by the way. How are ya?
Me: I'm good, just chatting to people and listening to modest mouse.
Heavy: I'm listening to the Kings of Leon.
Heavy: So you are looking for a fwb?
Me: Kind of. Just a one time thing and if its really good we could do a fwb
Heavy: Sounds good. What type of one time thing would you be looking for? Is there a fantasy in mind or circumstance?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this. Is there something you had in mind?
Heavy: It would seem you need a guide. Someone who can make you comfortable, and make you feel sexy. Maybe we meet up and keep the chit chat minimal, and focus on glances and restraint. Teasing.
Me: You sound awesome
Heavy: I can give you what you want, but more to the point, I can show you what you want. I'm slow and easy taking in every moment and dragging out the impulse to lose control.
Heavy: You can remain in control and still lose yourself in the moment. Are you 420 friendly?
Me: Yeah
Heavy: You're in luck. So tell me something about you.
Me: What would you like to know?
Heavy: What ever you think a perspective sex partner should know. Don't be bashful, it will dull your experience.
Me:I am shy in person. When it comes to sex I like it a little rough.
Heavy: Good girl.
Heavy: That's a big piece of the puzzle. The more pieces I find the better the sex gets. You ever considered being a submissive?
Me: Actually yes, but my friend that I was going to try it with lives in L.A. and I don't have a car.
Heavy: I could train you from time to time. So you live nearby?
Me: Yeah.
Heavy: I think we will hit if off tomorrow.



So tomorrow came and I got up early to go meet him. We were supposed to meet at Starbucks, which I chose because I never go there. But I had been talking to this other guy about meeting there too, but I had changed my mind and couldn't get ahold of him - in short, I was afraid both guys would be there. Awkward to say the least. So I switched it to the smoothie place next door.
When I ordered my smoothie I turned around and there was a man staring at me very intently. He was wearing a button up plaid blue shirt, very cowboy-ish.
"Do you like table top arcade games?" He motioned to the pac man game they had there.
"I haven't played them much." I said.
I sat down across from him and looked down at the arcade game. Little flashing lights and a tune playing that clashed with the dance music playing in the smoothie place.
He had tattoos all over his arms. They weren't full on sleeves because there were spaces between the tattoos. His hands were even tattooed. I can't even remember what was said. I usually go for medium or lean/athletic build guys. This guy is a tad bit heavier but he was so charismatic. I wanted to keep talking to him. In that moment I was thinking "My life amazes me. How much luckier could I get?"
He asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said sure but then we ran into the problem of where. I couldn't go back to my place in the middle of the day and expect privacy - my mom had been bothering me all morning. And my siblings are very young and loud. He suggested we go to a park. He leaned and looked me in the eyes.
"I would like to fuck your brains out right now, I just don't know where we would go."
And that's when I realized he was talking about more than smoking today.
"I'm not in High School anymore, I like being inside."
"Oh you were that girl in High School?"
"Yeah, but I didn't sleep around. I had sex in lakes, parks, beds, bathrooms..."
"Anywhere starting with the letter b..."
I laughed.
"You don't seem shy."
"I'm shy about...certain things."
"Oh, 'certain' things." We both knew I was saying sex.
"Well, I'll give you this. There is more where that came from. And text me when you want to get together."
He handed me a nugget wrapped in plastic.
"Will do."
He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him a brief one.
We both started walking away.
"I don't want to leave you right now, ugh."
I laughed, "Goodbye."
He texted me five minutes later. I was practically giddy. So happy.
"Are you going to text me again or have I scared you?"
"I'll text you."
"I really want to come over right now. You've got me all hot and bothered"
hmmm, weird. I didn't actually flirt with him much. How was he 'hot and bothered' by our little hello?
"We should have made out."
ick.
"Should I come over?"
"Not now."

I'm not sure if it is my doubts or what. Like I have a feeling I would have to have a conversation with him and he might actually try and make me cum, which is very embarrassing for me for some reason. I know when I met him and right afterwards I thought it was the best thing ever and I felt super lucky. But by the time he finished texting me I was not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it will be a really good idea or really bad idea. I wish I knew! I liked his personality when I talked to him but now I'm not sure. And he seemed neither ugly nor attractive - I didn't feel that excitement when you meet someone you really want to fuck.

To fuck, or not to fuck - that is the question.

My Life is très awesome

I can't believe my life is so awesome.

Some guy had the word fries in his e-mail address and at the time I couldn't remember his name so I put him in my cell as Fries. So Fries was one of the guys who I responded to from Craig's List. He seemed cute enough. He gave me his number, said he would be free after eight so I texted him. and he texted back.

We met in front of a pizza parlor. I walked there and he drove. He stepped out of his old white car, "Hi."
"Hello"
"Did you walk here?"
"Yeah, I live just down the way" I pointed.
"Wanna go back to your place?"
"Shuuuure."
and into the car we went.
He asked about my house and I said it is a studio and left it at that. He parked behind my dad's car.
"Do a lot of people live here?"
"No, not really." I led the way up the path to my door.
I turned off the outside light as we went in and locked the door to the rest of the house, he locked the front door. I put my hair up and said something about my place being messy. I asked if he had done this before and he said "Yeah, a few times. I've met some interesting people." He took off his glasses, i took off mine.
He kissed me. Standing up he was much taller than me. I was in heels and he still had to lean down. I'm not going to lie, I was feeling nervous. I started thinking and then I told myself no - stop thinking. Just. stop. thinking.
"Wanna hit the lights?" He asked.
So I did.
"Lead the way." He said.
I led him to my bed and he sat down, pulling me onto him.
He kissed me passionately, his hand on the back of my head. I kissed him back. Kisses amaze me because they are so personal, everyone has a different kiss. His used very little tongue but still managed to feel lusty. Full mouth kiss. We took off our clothes quickly.
At first I had wondered why he wanted the lights off - I have never had a guy make that request before, they usually want to see everything. But I immediately could see the benefits of it. You become much less focused on how you look and how the other person looks - it is all about how it feels. Which is nice.
He pulled out a condom right away. Not much foreplay. He guided himself into me, with me on top. We kept having this problem of him slipping out but we just laughed it off after the second time. It felt very carefree. He had short hair so I couldn't grab it, so instead I held on to his back, running my fingers across it I kissed his neck a gave it a nibble. I was careful not to mark him though. He got on top of me.
It was fairly good sex considering that it was a one night stand. He didn't quite figure out how I wanted it until the end though, which was a bit disappointing. I did get to try a position I've been wanting to get better at - him sitting up and me facing away from him. That was fun. Doggy style was a bit painful at first, which sometimes happens, but then I just changed the angle of my hips and I was reminded of why I liked that position so much. But in the end it came back to him on top, with my legs up. My favorite position. I like how it feels and I like the weight of a man on top of me, I like to see their shoulder and arm muscles working, I like grabbing their butts.

It was pleasant. Afterwards he threw away the condom and kissed me, putting on his clothes. I put my shirt on. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was here.
"It was nice meeting you." He said, reaching out to shake my hand as he went out the door.
"Nice to meet you too." I said, smiling.