I'm going soft on you

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?

Choices...

Limbo

I'm not sure what to say because everything kinda weird right now. I'm in limbo with all these people.

There is one dude I haven't decided if I want to meet or not from cl, then there is Heavy - I told him I haven't decided if it is a good idea to fuck him or not. He is being very chill about it. Then there is Andon, who I haven't talked to much but his girlfriend moves away tomorrow - which means he will be single. I like him the most. Which I think is obvious by now. Coop is also around, turns out he has moved back here. But I'm not sure if he gets that I would be down to be like friends with benefits with him, but at the same time I don't want to be too obvious about it incase he gets weireded out. Then at the same time not much to lose, it isn't like we hang out a lot. And another girl and I were connecting through CL until she realized we had gone to High School together, which I think freaked her out. Which is lame because she was pretty cute and I don't even remember her from back then. I wonder what she remembers about me? I feel like there is someone I am forgetting.

Anyways, my sex life is in Limbo.

I want to go down south and get wasted for v-day. Hopefully that will happen. Otherwise it's going to be depressing.

Heavy

I've been naming people after their e-mail address. So this dude is named Heavy. He is one of the CL dudes. He sent me a pic of himself in army fatigues. He is blond with short hair and blue eyes. He said he wanted to chat a bit before we meet up so he gave me his number and we texted each other. Here is how it ran:

Me: hi
Heavy: Hi. My name is ***** by the way. How are ya?
Me: I'm good, just chatting to people and listening to modest mouse.
Heavy: I'm listening to the Kings of Leon.
Heavy: So you are looking for a fwb?
Me: Kind of. Just a one time thing and if its really good we could do a fwb
Heavy: Sounds good. What type of one time thing would you be looking for? Is there a fantasy in mind or circumstance?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this. Is there something you had in mind?
Heavy: It would seem you need a guide. Someone who can make you comfortable, and make you feel sexy. Maybe we meet up and keep the chit chat minimal, and focus on glances and restraint. Teasing.
Me: You sound awesome
Heavy: I can give you what you want, but more to the point, I can show you what you want. I'm slow and easy taking in every moment and dragging out the impulse to lose control.
Heavy: You can remain in control and still lose yourself in the moment. Are you 420 friendly?
Me: Yeah
Heavy: You're in luck. So tell me something about you.
Me: What would you like to know?
Heavy: What ever you think a perspective sex partner should know. Don't be bashful, it will dull your experience.
Me:I am shy in person. When it comes to sex I like it a little rough.
Heavy: Good girl.
Heavy: That's a big piece of the puzzle. The more pieces I find the better the sex gets. You ever considered being a submissive?
Me: Actually yes, but my friend that I was going to try it with lives in L.A. and I don't have a car.
Heavy: I could train you from time to time. So you live nearby?
Me: Yeah.
Heavy: I think we will hit if off tomorrow.



So tomorrow came and I got up early to go meet him. We were supposed to meet at Starbucks, which I chose because I never go there. But I had been talking to this other guy about meeting there too, but I had changed my mind and couldn't get ahold of him - in short, I was afraid both guys would be there. Awkward to say the least. So I switched it to the smoothie place next door.
When I ordered my smoothie I turned around and there was a man staring at me very intently. He was wearing a button up plaid blue shirt, very cowboy-ish.
"Do you like table top arcade games?" He motioned to the pac man game they had there.
"I haven't played them much." I said.
I sat down across from him and looked down at the arcade game. Little flashing lights and a tune playing that clashed with the dance music playing in the smoothie place.
He had tattoos all over his arms. They weren't full on sleeves because there were spaces between the tattoos. His hands were even tattooed. I can't even remember what was said. I usually go for medium or lean/athletic build guys. This guy is a tad bit heavier but he was so charismatic. I wanted to keep talking to him. In that moment I was thinking "My life amazes me. How much luckier could I get?"
He asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said sure but then we ran into the problem of where. I couldn't go back to my place in the middle of the day and expect privacy - my mom had been bothering me all morning. And my siblings are very young and loud. He suggested we go to a park. He leaned and looked me in the eyes.
"I would like to fuck your brains out right now, I just don't know where we would go."
And that's when I realized he was talking about more than smoking today.
"I'm not in High School anymore, I like being inside."
"Oh you were that girl in High School?"
"Yeah, but I didn't sleep around. I had sex in lakes, parks, beds, bathrooms..."
"Anywhere starting with the letter b..."
I laughed.
"You don't seem shy."
"I'm shy about...certain things."
"Oh, 'certain' things." We both knew I was saying sex.
"Well, I'll give you this. There is more where that came from. And text me when you want to get together."
He handed me a nugget wrapped in plastic.
"Will do."
He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him a brief one.
We both started walking away.
"I don't want to leave you right now, ugh."
I laughed, "Goodbye."
He texted me five minutes later. I was practically giddy. So happy.
"Are you going to text me again or have I scared you?"
"I'll text you."
"I really want to come over right now. You've got me all hot and bothered"
hmmm, weird. I didn't actually flirt with him much. How was he 'hot and bothered' by our little hello?
"We should have made out."
ick.
"Should I come over?"
"Not now."

I'm not sure if it is my doubts or what. Like I have a feeling I would have to have a conversation with him and he might actually try and make me cum, which is very embarrassing for me for some reason. I know when I met him and right afterwards I thought it was the best thing ever and I felt super lucky. But by the time he finished texting me I was not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it will be a really good idea or really bad idea. I wish I knew! I liked his personality when I talked to him but now I'm not sure. And he seemed neither ugly nor attractive - I didn't feel that excitement when you meet someone you really want to fuck.

To fuck, or not to fuck - that is the question.