A Good Cry

I spent almost two weeks staying at Andon's house. My family is out of town for the week so we decided to stay at my house (I had to take care of the dog and polliwogs anyways).

So yesterday I wake up with this persistent hangover. He said he wanted to see me drunk and he finished his finals so we went out with his friends and I paid for drinks and had two pints of beer and three sex on the beach drinks. We rode our bikes to his place using the creek trail and I was swerving all over the place. We were so drunk, so we fooled around a bit but couldn't really manage sex. When we woke up he wanted to fool around but I was sick. I took something for the headache but he has like nothing to eat at his house and I was trying not to barf everywhere and he kept kissing me. I smoked some pot to help with the nausea and then we fooled around more but I was too sick for sex.

So we got up and got me to work. As we were driving from his house we spot his friend Loranger. Picture blond messy hair and dopey smile, on a bike and probably high. He is homeless and staying at a shelter in my hometown and biked all the way there, so we told him to throw his bike in the back and jump on in the truck. After work they picked me up, they seemed pretty stoned. Sometimes I wish he would wait for me because when I get off work and he is stoned and I'm sober it's not like I'm on the same level and there is no one to smoke with and it feels stupid. But whatever. So we go to his house and get his stuff, and then drive over to my house.

I briefly show Loranger the house and then he bikes back to the shelter. We now have the empty house to ourselves. I take him out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in town and they know me there so they gave us free ice cream. He was super quiet though. We come home and I show him some pictures from my album because I was looking at a picture on the wall and I wanted to show him everything. He seemed not to be paying attention, which is ok because they are my pictures and I can see how that could be boring. So I asked what he wanted to do, and he said sleep.

I was still feeling a little queasy from the hangover. We laid down and then he started rubbing me and kissing me. I wanted to have sex but I felt sick. So I asked if he would mind smoking with me. He said sure but he seemed kind of down. After we smoked we fooled around a bit and then started having sex. It felt amazing. Then my dog started HOWLING. So we got up and shut the door. But then he couldn't get it up again. He said he wasn't in the mood. I asked if something was wrong but he said he was just tired. So we started to go to sleep again but then the rubbing and kissing again and then sex again. And it was amazing again. And we started really going at it and we had to stop and catch our breath. But then he went soft and just got off and said he wanted to sleep.

So now I'm really worried. He keeps saying nothing is wrong. He asks me to believe him. I tell him if nothing is wrong I'll believe him, and I try. And I say I'm disappointed we didn't have more sex. He says that hurts his feelings. I try to explain and he says his feelings aren't hurt anymore but I think they are. We go to sleep without cuddling. I want to cry but I go to sleep.


I wake up with the morning light falling on our faces. I have very vivid dreams. I was dreaming of this pedophile who gave us a giant stuffed bear that he also stuffed his latest dead victim in. And then he sees the kid's cousin, a kid I know from work. And there is this moment of fear. And this is when I start waking up but I can't get those fearful eyes and those little blue bodied dead children out of my head. So I try to think of Andon and I stroke his hair and go back to sleep. This time I dream of our wedding - our imaginary one, obviously. He in a black tux, me in the kind of gown Carrie from Sex in the City wore when she got stood up in the first movie. And I see him clasping his hands in front and smiling at me, looking so handsome. And then I see us dancing and I know he says he can't dance so we practiced before. And the song is Vampire Weekend's Horchata. Because that is king of our song. And Then I picture afterwards him with his pants rolled up, soaking his feet in the lake on the docks drinking a beer. I imagine kissing him. And then I hear him waking up and I wake up. And I have all these lovey feelings for him. I want him to kiss me and hold me and I want to have sex with him because I love our morning sex.

We kiss passionately and he pulls me close. And then he rolls over. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Every time I try to kiss him he rolls over. He doesn't have to leave for over an hour but he says he is just going to go home and have breakfast at his place. I know something is wrong. No sex when we are both awake and have over an hour to spare? And he eats god damned lucky charms at home! He got dressed and when then left in minutes, taking all his stuff with him. The stuff that he packed for staying here for the week. He took with him. The night before he said he would be biking back so how will he carry that all back? Is he coming back? He left quickly and quietly without kissing me.

My stomach was in knots. I knew I would be going crazy all day if I just let him leave without getting something, some reassurance. So I yelled out the window.
"You forgot to give me a kiss!"
"What?"
"You forgot to kiss me!"
"oh."
He came back in and kissed me and his lips touching mine sent warmth through my entire body and my heart swelled and reached out but as he drew back I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
and he left.


I laid in bed for a while tormenting myself. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Then I watched Private Practice and Castle and ate goldfish because my stomach hurts still. Then he texted me. Exact message: "Hey, I'm feeling better. I think i just wanted to be alone for a bit. cant wait to see you tonight ;)"

This is what I say back (after waiting for an hour):
I'm pretty pissed at you right now. Why did you lie to me? You just made me freak out all night and all morning! How do you think I felt when I try too kiss you in the morning and you roll over and say your just going home? You wouldn't even look at me! And then you kept saying nothing was wrong! I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and I was crying but I felt like an idiot because I wasn't sure if there was something wrong and you were lying or if I just didn't trust you enough. I Love you so much you make me insane!

The crying part was an almost lie. I wrote that because as I was typing out my response I started crying. After I sent it I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I listened to Vampire Weekend which mad me cry more because I think of him. I don't cry very often, and certainly not that long. I guess I really needed to cry. Though I'm not exactly sure what I was crying for. I hate the phrase good cry because crying isn't really good, it sucks. But that cry released a bit of me I think.

So after two hours of no response I send another text:
I'm sorry I text yelled at you. My stomach hurts and I've been crying for hours, I'm exhausted. Sorry. I hope I'll still see you tonight?

But no text back from Andon yet. Crissy said she would meet me a little after noon so we can hang out before I go to work, since I'm feeling kind of down.
If he doesn't text back soon I may go even more crazy. Though I already was angry, and I was already sad so I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend.

humbug mood

I'm in a really humbug mood.

I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.

I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.

But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.

I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.

Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?

But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?


So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.

Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.

I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.

Spring Break 2010

So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.

At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.


We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.

In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.

Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"

Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.

Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.

They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.

We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.

The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.

I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.

I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.

The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.

One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.

Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.

The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.

When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
He laughs.
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
"Oh, ok"
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.

Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.

In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.

We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.

In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.

We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.

He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.

I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.

Hey Baby That's Just What I Like

So I haven't updated in a while. I've been getting busy.

And I did something CRAZY.

But I'm not going to tell you yet. You get to hear the story a bit.

So Lesson Exchanging Dick had been texting me, and I had been busy on the days he did that. So then when I got the time I texted him and he said he would be over in an hour. So I jump in the shower and FUCK I started my period. But it's the beginning so I think to myself, he won't notice I'm on the rag if I just wash myself and hope for the best. Then I smoke some pot to loosen up before he gets there.

He comes over and he is hotter than I remembered. Somehow I remembered him like the Doctor Who from the second season but in reality he has darker brown hair and his face is less pointy, but he is skinny with nice abs. I am giggly and awkward because I'm stoned, but he seems calm and kind of smiles at me as I giggle. Apparently he is in AA...awkward. But he seems chill with it and we start making out and I notice the hickey on his neck. It doesn't really bother me but I ask him about it, because I don't want to be the other women. But he said it was from some girl he slept with, and that it was kind of annoying. So I just decided not to ask further and just pretend that he has lots of fuck buddies.

The sex was good and he left, saying he'd call me sometime but I figured it would be the same as before - booty calls only. But that's chill.





But then Andon. Remember him? I had a massive crush on him and then he un-friended me on facebook, best described here in the New years Disappointment.

He sent me a message on facebook about how he wanted to be friends with me again. How it was a big mistake and his ex's friends pressured him into snubbing me. I figure the last thing I sent him was something like "well ok if you don't want to be friends, but btw I had really wanted to do you". So I figure he hasn't had sex since January (when his last girlfriend moved away) and he is now trying to fuck me. Fucking really?

But I'm forgiving and I haven't been able to find anyone else to jam with, and what the hey maybe I'll have sex with him because he is cute and I can keep my emotions separate and not fall for him because last time he was a jerk...right? Right. So I say we can be friends again. And I tell him I won't be calling him, if he wants to hang out he can call me. I won't be going out of my way to make this work. So he texts me right away and I had deleted his number so I didn't know who it was. But he wanted to hang out and play music and I said sure, come by after work. And he did.

He shows up and we talk for a bit and are hella awkward. And he asks if I want to smoke a bowl and I say sure so we do. And then we sit on the couch in silence. being super awkward. And then he says really fast

"Wannamakeout?cuzI'mreallyhornyandI'dliketomakeoutwithyouifyou'dliketo" and he is just sitting perfectly still looking at me saying this.

"uh...sure." and I sit for a moment not moving and then we move towards each other and we are so awkward and stiff I think we'll bump heads but we don't and our lips meet somehow. And then his hand is on my back and it feels nice and everything actually feels nice.

And when we touch I'm not really that nervous anymore because it feels good and I don't have to think about what to say or what I look like because we are kissing and that's all I can think about. I privately wonder at how weird it is that I just had sex the night before with Dick, and I'm on my period, and I'm still thinking about fucking this guy. There goes my jamming buddy. I figure I'll never see him after this. It'll be too awkward.

We somehow move to the bed and I take my shirt off and soon we're naked except for my undies and I tell him I'm on my period but I'll still do him if he doesn't mind the mess. And he doesn't mind the mess. And we start trying to but he can't keep it hard. He says this always happens the first time. He has only slept with two other people, he only lost his virginity a year ago. And I'm thinking fffuuuuccckkkk. This may not be a good idea. and I try everything to get him hard and it seems futile and I feel weird about it and I can't tell how he feels.

Every time he gets hard we put on a condom and he immediately goes soft. I am horny and high and I don't give a damn. I get him hard and ask if we can skip the condom, I'm on the rag so who cares. He says, "Ok, I trust you." And we have some sex. But his dick is small and he doesn't seem to know what to do with me. He moans a lot. So much moaning when I'm barely doing anything! But we fuck all night. But he looks into my eyes and he says my name and he hugs me afterwards and wants to cuddle. and oddly instead of being annoyed with the sweetness I want to hug hug back. It frightens me. And in the morning he and I take a shower to get the blood off and then he tries to go to the bathroom in a towel and runs into my dad. God damn it.

He drops me off at work and about 40 seconds before we get there I ask where we are, as friends.
"Oh, well, I wasn't looking for anything serious." He looks guilty. Just what I thought.
"Either was I. So we're just friends?"
"Well, I mean..."
"I just mean are we allowed to sleep with other people?"
"Yeah, I mean, I won't... but it's your body I'm not going to stop you."
I can't tell if he just can't find anyone else to sleep with, or if he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. Whatever. So done. When I go to get out of his truck he leans in to kiss me.
I hesitate and then kiss him.

SPRING

Hello folks, sorry I haven't been updating much. I haven't wanted to bore you to death. It's same old same old here.

But anyways, as you may know, I am Wiccan. Which means today is a holiday for me, because today is the first day of spring. Yay spring! So happy Ostara to you!

My 3 yr old brother, Neal, has scarlet fever and had an allergic reaction to the medicine and has hives and skin peeling off his privates and is in an altogether horrid mood. Dean (the 5 yr old brother) fell off his bike and his tooth went through his lip, but he is in a good mood anyways. My dad is in a crappy mood because he has to do taxes.

Anyways...It is friday night/saturday morning and I just came back from another taco night at my co-worker's house. It was nice and very middle age-y. Except I'm in my early twenties so I want to rock out. I wanted to kick it up a notch but of course it hits like ten o'clock and two beers and everyone starts making their way home. Somehow I made plans to go out to a lame looking concert with two of the ladies tonight (as in Saturday night...because it is now Saturday). I am trying to convince them to go to the rocky horror picture show we me afterwards. I will go with or without them. But I went alone last time, I really want someone to go with me this time.

I'm planning the usual fun Ostara family stuff in the morning. I love being Wiccan but sometimes it bums me out when no one knows what Wicca is or I start explaining a holiday like Ostara and they go "oh, basically Easter, right?" and I'm like NO. EASTER IS ABOUT JUSES. FUCK YOU. Well actually that part makes me mad. I get bummed when I feel like I'm the only one though. Like I know other Wiccans but I don't have a coven like I used to so it's not the same.

I haven't been having tons of sex, or any sex actually. I got a bunch of new sex toys so I've been having fun with that. I like the glass dildo way more than I thought I would. But yeah. I went to a party last weekend and I stayed the night and I was naked hot tubbing and being my usual self, but feeling a little awkward because I didn't really know many people there. There was one dude who got me a beer and seemed into me but I kinda like his friend so I was like eeeeh, maybe not. So I just didn't let that go anywhere. Leave doors open for next time.

I've been having such male attention for a while and I didn't get as much at that party so now I feel like I should loose some weight or something. So I've been riding my bike to work once a week - it's about 9 miles each way. Takes me an hour each way. But I've been smoking pot at night and then I get hungry and eat a bunch of sweets and watch Family Guy or Torchwood or Law & Order: Criminal Intent. This is why I have not been updating.

But things will change, because it's spring!

Piano

One of the reasons I started this blog is to write about my crazy life, except that in writing this blog I have left out a giant part of my life - my family. So I'm going to start posting little tid bits, young memories that kind of build upon each other like stones in a fence around me.

The day we got the piano was not very special. I didn't know anything about it until my father pushed it through the door, with some help from the neighbors. There was no where to put it, so they put it in the kitchen. This was before we remodeled, so the kitchen was dark with yellowish tiles and dark brown cupboards, and a greying pink paint covering the walls like a sunburn poorly hidden. The fridge purred next to the piano and the guys wiped the sweat from their brows, hands on their hips starring at it. No one knew how to play it.

My mom got it from this meth head lesbians who had painted it white. I think it was payment for some drugs, but I'm not sure. Inside was a lovely rich brown wood with a glossy finish. The keys were made of real ivory but some of them had been peeled off, the glue still stuck on the wood on some keys. I studied each key and imagined they were portraits of men with interesting faces. The bench that we had was broken and didn't match the piano at all, but it was a bench. I itched to touch all the keys, but I was too afraid. I didn't want to make noise, I wanted to make music. My parents used the piano as a place to pile paperwork and things. It was kept closed with stuff all over it; most people didn't even realize it was a piano, they thought it was a desk or something.

I begged for lessons but my parents said no. My sister had gotten a flute for band and bailed on it after two weeks - they weren't doing that again. So I didn't get in band either, which I was bummed about. Then grandma gave us girls all tiny pianos, about 12 white keys and each key was smaller than my finger. But the keys lit up and played 10 songs. I memorized the songs and cleared off the table one day, putting the little keyboard up like a music book. I learned ode to Joy when no one was home. I played it over and over. I didn't even hear my mom come in.

She came into the kitchen with a baseball bat held back, her face a mix of fear and rage.
"Holy Jesus, Sky. Give me a heart attack."
I looked at her silently, hands still suspended over the keys.
"I thought someone broke in!" She said, throwing her hands to each side, like "duh". "I thought they must of broke in and were playing the piano, I mean no one knows how to play the piano. Were you playing the piano?"
"Ode to Joy."
"Where'd you learn that?"
"The little keyboard plays it, and I just matched it to the big piano."
She looked worried.

I would get lessons a year and a half after this, my dad thumbing through the yellow pages and calling everyone on the music store's list with his nervous fake professional voice "Hello sir, good day. I was wondering if I could inquire about piano lessons for my daughter.... Ah yes, thank you for your time, we will call you again if we are indeed interested in obtaining a lesson from your organization."
I was nervously sending my father loving thoughts as he did this. I was watching him from around the corner, my hands clenched tightly around the sleeves of my sweater.

My piano teacher lived on the outside of town past the cemetery and the Christmas tree farm. Her house was unremarkable, surrounded mostly by fields. She showed me her back garden once, and that was beautiful. It had a little pond and a platform with two chairs facing the fields, she said they called it the field room. There was a hammock hanging under some berry bushes and raised vegetable beds amidst a wildflower garden. She was tall and slim with long thick grey hair, and little laugh lines around her eyes. One look at her and you'd think, new age hippy for sure. Which pegged her. She talked like a therapist, always said I couldn't sue the word "can't", so I would say "I think I am not able to at this time" instead, which made her smile and give a disapproving look. I would actually end up confiding a lot into her, sometimes we would waste a third of the lesson talking. I still am in touch with her. I quit taking lessons when I graduated high school, I figured it was too expensive anyways.

My mom always hated the noise. She would say "if only you wouldn't play the same song over and over", "But I have to practice songs over and over to get them right", "well you asked! Why do you have to play right now?"
My dad would listen to the radio in the car and turn to me, pinching above my knee which made me jump. "Why arn't you playing like this by now?" He would smile and pretend to play the piano to some blues song.

I like playing at night when no one is listening, no one is around.

The Past Two Weeks

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

When I Lost my Glasses

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
Splash.
"Fuck!"
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.


Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

I'm going soft on you

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?

Choices...

Limbo

I'm not sure what to say because everything kinda weird right now. I'm in limbo with all these people.

There is one dude I haven't decided if I want to meet or not from cl, then there is Heavy - I told him I haven't decided if it is a good idea to fuck him or not. He is being very chill about it. Then there is Andon, who I haven't talked to much but his girlfriend moves away tomorrow - which means he will be single. I like him the most. Which I think is obvious by now. Coop is also around, turns out he has moved back here. But I'm not sure if he gets that I would be down to be like friends with benefits with him, but at the same time I don't want to be too obvious about it incase he gets weireded out. Then at the same time not much to lose, it isn't like we hang out a lot. And another girl and I were connecting through CL until she realized we had gone to High School together, which I think freaked her out. Which is lame because she was pretty cute and I don't even remember her from back then. I wonder what she remembers about me? I feel like there is someone I am forgetting.

Anyways, my sex life is in Limbo.

I want to go down south and get wasted for v-day. Hopefully that will happen. Otherwise it's going to be depressing.