the funk

so the funk is what I call my depression crazy-ness thing. It feels a bit like drowning. you go under and then sometimes you cup up, get a little bit of air and then you are sinking again and there is a point where you stop fighting and you just sink and everything gets darker. I call it the funk because it feels really funky.

Signs of the funk include sleeping a lot, not bathing/grooming, not changing clothes, not eating, lack of human contact, feeling very sleepy, not caring about anything, joys such as music and books no longer matter, then comes the self harm and fantasies of suicide and then the plans of suicide but really at that point I'm too tired to do anything and i just lay in bed wanting to die and hating myself.

Yeah, the funk is fun like that. I had it on and off for a long time but it got really bad summer of 08. So I went to the doctors. They did test on e, saw my iron was low but even with it raised I wasn't feeling un-funkified. so they gave me celexa which improved me a little i guess but i still laid in bed all day so they added an upper called welbutrin and that immediately improved my mood and i was getting out of bed and my problems didn't seem so bad and blah blah blah. But is did make me feel on drugs and sometimes I would see stuff or stuff would glow and it made my head kinda foggy and my skin all tingly and odd feeling. I liked the Alice in wonderland feelings but I knew it wasn't a good thing to live in that kind of fog. sometimes i would feel down but it was more of a dip than a plunge and i always came up.

But then there was the peace corps to think about. I want to join really bad and they hinted that my mental problems may make it so i can't go. and once they decide i can't go i may never be able to go. !!! So I was freaking out and I decided it was time to get off the pills and show that I was all better. except i should have been taking them longer. but the doc didn't argue when i said my insurance was ending and so i went off of them in late august.

And now it is October and my medical re-review comes in February and my dad suggested starting to pay for it now since my insurance really is over (you get kick off your parent's insurance when you graduate college). Yesterday I went to bed at 8:30pm and was woken at 8am. I took an hour nap at 11am and then an hour at 3pm and then I slept from 5 to 9:30pm. I have not bathed in at least 5 days, I have not changed my clothes in at least five days. I say at least because I can't remember the last time I did either.

I have lost many friends and I didn't have many to start with. I am alone. I have no job outside the house so I have no reason to leave it. I stay in my room, I babysit, I sleep, I watch netflix movies and shows. I just lay around. For dinner tonight i had a can of corn because I just don't have the energy to cook anything. I don't want the funk to come back. I think it wouldn't if I just had some exercise and social contact. But I can't get either. I don't know ho to get friends and I am just so tired. I sometimes just feel ready for the big sleep. I just want to old on to some sanity until I get to February, just leave and start my adventure and then I will have work, a purpose, forced into meeting all sorts of interesting people. Some people say when you run from your problems they follow you, that you can never get away from yourself. But I think I would be better if I left.

Conversations

My mom is in the kitchen, and I am on the couch in the living room, in the new house there is no wall separating the two rooms so we watch each other.

"I do all this cleaning and your father never says a word."

"He cleans too mom."

"When? He does a load of laundry here and there."

"He does the dishes. I hear him at night when he goes to work."

"I hear you at night too missy; cooking dinner at 10 at night!"

"If I had a stove or fridge in my studio I would cook in there."

"Have you been looking on-line for one?"

"I don't have any money, I am in debt, remember?Lots of debt."

"You know, I hear you can make a bit of money showing your boobs on the Internet."

"WHAT? You want me to whore myself out?"

"Well, I'm just saying, do a little modeling...of your breasts."

This is how all conversations go in my house.

Bad Luck

So H.S. dude turns out to be a waste of time, go figure. He likes to text me every time he hooks up with someone. he'll do the whole "how are you" thing and then say something like "yeah, I hate how everyone in town knows when you hook up - our town is so small!" and it kinda ended for me when he said he had to take two showers because it was one of "those" one night stands. What does he mean by those? Those that have STDs? Ew. And he still texts me like he wants to see me.

So my computer died, and I went into debt to buy another one. My un-lucky streak is not over. And my new job is on call and sucks, takes 2 hours to get there (and then two back). I am surviving off of babysitting and odd jobs. My mom is getting two more foster children. I would say something like kill me now, but it also means she will need more babysitting and I can rake in the dough. And the boys' adoptions are final. Yeeeeeah. And my sister went back home. Exciting. (can you hear the sarcasm?)

I am decidedly overweight, and need to lose weight immediately. Well, after this brownie. Isn't it weird how it sneaks up on you? This is how my weight has been going:

End of H.S. (2005) - 165

I start yoga (06) - 150

Misty makes me her maid of honor, I try to lose weight (07) - 175

I diet hardcore and go to gym(early 08) - 165

I get depressed (late 08) - 175

I am stressed finishing college (spring 09) - 185

I go to Europe (early June) - 170

I drink a lot in Europe, then do nothing in N.C. (late June/July) - 185

I try to eat less and exercise a bit (Aug/Sept) - 175

I lay in my room for all of September - 185

This is really annoying. I eat healthy and don't ever have fast food or soda so it is really annoying that people I know can drink booze and soda and eat crap and are still waaay thinner than me. And it is just genetics, I know that. I have to lose weight though. Basically I just want to look better naked and fit into nicer clothes. I have pretty much decided not to seek out sex until I lose weight. At least it is getting cool enough outside so I can actually do stuff and not lay on the ground dying of heat stroke.

I am going to go a spell tonight about getting better luck (maybe tomorrow night, I'm not sure). I need to pay off this debt and save up for another trip and get some friends and make some music and get some booty and lose some weight and then collapse fulfilled.

Oh, and I read that book by Tucker Max. (google it, I'm not linking the site). He is basically an ass hole who drinks and sleeps with chicks and destroys property and then writes about it. Very funny. But if you are an overweight girl it kills you. He has stories about sleeping with over weight girls and it is not nice. Oh, enough with my weight issues. I think I am going to do some back posts before I write anything new. I will probably be writing about my family in the upcoming posts, so brace yourself.

I Give the D like it was Jesus.

Today was really eventful. I feel like the tides are changing. I have been having some bad luck, which is weird because normally I am very lucky.

But check this: got a random job from someone who knows someone who knows my mom, they somehow knew I was a tutor and I got a gig helping a lady pass the math section of the GED. $90 worth of tutoring!
During that job I got a call from an after school program that wanted me to come in for an interview to be a sub for their after school teachers. I went over and I got the job. All I have to do is get a TB test.
Viki called, she is going to put in a good word for me at the book store she works at. I applied there and I still want that job because I don't really want to be a sub. I want regular hours and regular pay. Something I can count on. But the subbing pays more and looks better on my resume than being a bookseller would. We shall see though. (hope i get it, hope i get it) I want to have both jobs but I don't know how that will work.

I have formed a bad habit of posting to the Craig's list casual encounters/personals. I actually posted "curvy girl looking for good sex". A dude who went to High School with me responded. Hella weird. He used to be on the football team, I didn't pay much attention to him because he acted like an idiot. In his e-mail he wrote "hi u look familiar, kinda like a cutie i remember in high school, so ill take it slo for a sec. I'm in town, you can check out my facebook. Good sex is an understatement, i give the d like it was jesus."
haha, best line ever. the d like it was Jesus. My ad was forward, as were all the other men who responded, but when I actually talked to him on facebook it was about like what we had been doing since h.s. and music we like. And he knew about doctor who! I tried to move the conversation to the sexual sphere but he started talking about relationships. Then we actually had me arguing against relationships and him arguing for them. It was weird. Again the stereotype that men just want sex is broken down. Men as people with feelings is so much more confusing than men that only care about beer food and sex.
So we talk, go to bed late, next day arrives and then I do my day stuff and at night crawl into bed to check my e-mail and suddenly I'm thinking, oo did he e-mail me? This is why I hate my brain. Slightest bit of attention and suddenly I am thinking about this guy a whole lot. A male friend of mine had a long conversation with me while we were drinking whiskey, and then the next time I saw him I said my little brother told me I would be reincarnated as a black widow spider and he said I would never because I am not like that at all. he said it twice. for like a month I kept thinking about him. This is what gets me in trouble. I wasn't even attracted to him before that!
Also, an old friend is coming to town for the weekend. We almost hooked up at his going away party, we were pretty drunk which is why I decided to decline at the last minute. So now I am thinking about asking him if he would like to hook up (hey, and I am not even drunk!). But I'm afraid he will say no, and afraid it will be very awkward if he says no and tells his friends. He isn't that attractive either. I am just really horny I suppose. Or I am longing for some kind of connection, with a dick.
If I don't have sex this week I will scream. and then buy a new dildo.

I think I lost a friend

I am having a really rough day.

I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.

So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:

"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "

I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.

Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.

I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.

My own enemy

It is really frustrating:

I am feeling a bit lonely, an I am daft in the head so I've been laying about watching this old show called Doctor Who. It is si-fi shwo about a alien time traveler name 'the doctor' and a london girl named Rose. Except that I am now watching the second season and they are going with this depressing theme of the Doctor not really loving Rose or maybe leaving her when she so obviously loves him, which is odd because before they were not in love. and they keep exposing the doctor as a guy who loves them and then leaves them. So that got me in this mood and I was listening to all these London accents on the show and I suddenly thought about the man I slept with in London. His name was Joe.

I was staying at Earl's Court (South Kensington, I believe) and there was the Irish Pub called O'Neill's down the street on the corner and it is all blue on the outside. I sat down in the mostly empty place, it was May 30th which wasn't anything special I think and then all these people start sitting at the table I am at. Turns out some photography website on-line meets once a year and I happened to be at the table they planned to met at in the pub they planned to meet at. and so on. But since they are all Internet buddies and don't know what their friends look like in the real world they had no idea (at first) that I wasn't just another member of their group. This guy Joe is the first to talk to me, and he ends up talking to me all night. The name of their group sounded vaguely dirty so at first I thought I walked into something weird but they were all really fun.

The thing is the next morning I decided I never ever wanted to try to look him up. I have a bad habit of getting attached to just about anything. Heck, I looked up and wanted to befriend via facebook this guy I slept with in Santa Cruz. I don't remember much of that meeting, but another story for another day.

So I sabotaged myself. All I wrote in my Journal is that I met Joe in a pub and came home around 6am. There was loads more to that story and the details are all slippery and I can't remember them. I figured out the pub because I used Google Maps, it was only down the street from my hostel. But that leads me to why do I even care? This guy was a one night stand and I'll never talk to him again.

Well, I'll post the full story of him later and maybe you can tell me why I have a soft spot for that memory. I think I already know.

Edit: the story of Joe is here but his whole "fair enough" thing made me crack up laughing every time someone said that ever after (which is alot in Europe).

First Post

Ok, so this is how it is going to go down.

I am going to do this post and then I am going to go through my journals and write in everything that has happened since I took off in May. Because this has been a crazy summer and you should hear all of it first hand, not in side remarks. There are also some bits on information I find interesting (like history) kinda mixed in.

Two things to know - I am trying to keep this annonymous, mostly because if anyone I know reads it they will either be hurt by what I say or shocked by what I say. Because no one in my family tells the truth and everyone has secrets. And this will be like laying my underclothes to dry on the lawn. So if you figure out who I am, keep it to yourself. Names are changed to protect everyone involved.
The other thing to know is most of the posts include details of my sex life. If you find this and you are related to me just you've been warned. No one wants to picture their family doing some things.

So now you got the warnings here is the gist. I'm Sky and I need an outlet so I am going to write about my life here. I hope people will read it because sometimes I feel alone in this. My family are completly nutts and my friends are crazy and everything is all wrong. So it would help me if you just lended an ear and hope this has a happy ending.

Enjoy.

Bonjour Paris

I love Paris. I've been here for about 24 hours and within the first few I thought to myself, I could live here. They use a 24 hour clock, the streets are small but the sidewalks are big, everything is small. Everything is beautiful, every building and every person. I was told that Napoleon knocked down all the dirty ugly wood houses and paid to build these beautiful stone apartments all through the city, just for beauty's sake. Isn't that amazing? I keep looking at the sky thinking I am in a different world with the same sky. But actually the light is different here, I didn't notice at first but it is softer.
Yesterday I got on the train to Paris and this guy sat next to me.
"That's my seat. I'm supposed to have the window seat." He seemed kinda angry.
"Oh, sorry. Want to switch?"
"No." He seemed resentful.
"Are you sure?"
"How about we switch half way through?"
"I'm going to fall asleep half way through. Why don't we switch now?"
"No, you sit there."
Sure enough I slept the whole time. When the train stopped and I woke up I could hear him grumbling about how I took his seat and then wasted it by sleeping.
Juliette's friend is letting me stay with her and her family in the Latin quarter. Her name is Carla and she is about my age, and her brother is like 15 or something and his name is Sandro. Carla an I didn't recognize each other at first so I had this nervous moment at the train station where everyone was clearing out and I didn't know where to go. But Carla found me and I followed her to the metro. She walks so fast, it is like running. Her house is super cool. You open this giant blue door and you go through a hall that leads you to a big courtyard. If you look up there are tall white apartment buildings. The lift inside could barley fit Carla and I, we were touching because it was such a tight fit. But the staircase is beautiful and spirals to the ceiling. I've heard the apartments are small here but really it was just comfy. The bathroom and toilet room are separate which is kinda cool. Carla let me use her room. I never really figured out where the parents sleep though. All the furniture and floors are made of dark wood and the sun shines through the many windows that overlook the courtyard. It is beautiful.
Carla is skinny with curly brown hair that is wispy thin. Her brother is fuller and his hair is in thick curls. Carla walked me around her neighborhood, it was like having a tour guide because she knew the history of everything. Carla is studying history and anthropology at a famous school called...Sabrone (I think). She is hard to get to know. her brother is much more friendly and we talked about music, his favorite band is Ramstein. The whole family speaks broken english. They all seem to love art and museums, they just keep telling me museums I have to see.
I was up until late last night, and I didn't wake up until almost noon. Sandro was just coming home for lunch - he gets two hours for lunch, weird eh? I think they need a break from me sometimes because it is a struggle for them to speak to me and I sit back and know no french. Well, I know "je suis fatiguee" and mange (or is it manger?) is to eat and alonz-y is let's go (not the right spelling), oh and preservatif! I want to get my hair cut in Paris but I don't think it is going to happen.
The TV is on and MTV has some stupid show recorded in English and voiced over in French. Stupid. I walked all over and got lost a bit today. Then Sandro took me to Notre Dame and the river. Sandrow as so easy to talk to the first night I met him but now he was nervous and couldn't talk. I think he was starring at my boobs at one point. He kept asking me if I wanted a drink and I kept trying to say "whatever you want" but he didn't understand. So we sat at some bar cafe thing outside and he had a cherry coke and I had a beer. I didn't ask for a beer but that is what i got (in the middle of the afternoon!). It was good, I think it was called picon. I had no trouble drinking it, which is rare for me and beer. The bartender came over and tried asking me something, but Sandro must have told him I didn't know English.
"Ah, American!" the guy said something in french and then pointed at me, like 'tell her'.
Sandro was carrying a dictionary around and starting flipping through it.
The waiter yelled what I think was does anyone speak english?
The guy at the table next to our came over and talked to the bartender and Sandro and then leaned down to me smiling and laughing, and he said "you will like this, very good" and he pointed to my beer. OK....
Anyways Carla and her mother are making dinner and I'm sitting on the couch listening to music. I'm hungry but I have no idea what I will say to the family during dinner.

Leaving London

I am sitting in the Hostel's lounge for the last time; I just checked out and I have to catch my train in an hour. I'm just waiting for my laundry to be done - this girl from my room (Avril) and I are doing our laundry together to save money.
So last night I couldn't sand it any longer. When I get a bit of sex it is like a flip switches and suddenly I am on. I posted a note in Spanish for the Argentine that said if he wanted to talk again I would be in the back lounge after dinner. But I don't think he was interested. Maybe it was because his friends saw it and thought it was funny, or maybe some other reason. At first I was really bummed out and I felt unwanted. But he came onto me the other day - he wanted me obviously. Why let a failed invitation turn the memory sour? I'm actually ok with it now I think. There are more guys in Europe, and from what I can tell many of them find me attractive.
Anyways, I became friends with the girl Avril. We had dinner together and sat at the tables in the garden - the whole time the Argentines kept staring at us and every once in a while they would poke and whisper something to the guy I slept with and they laughed as he turned red, and he just starred at me. After dinner Avril and I sat in the lounge for half an hour (she knew of my encounter with the Argentina man). I didn't want to stay there hoping for him to show up. I turned to her and said "Didn't you say you wanted to go to the pubs?"
So we went to The Blackbird, where I had seen soccer/football boys before. We immediately got hit on by drunk men and I oogled the cute bartender. Then we went for a walk and found a bar that is open for the longest hours - Infinity, the gay bar. We got two pints of cider. They had this TV playing music videos and this drunk man kept coming over to April.
"I'm homosexual, but you look fantastic! If I was straight honey.You made my day! Want a pint? I'll buy you drinks - that is how you repay a lovely lady for her beauty she shares with the world!"
We giggled as he talked. Avril is tall and dark with long legs and curly hair to her chin. She has a wide smile and bright almond eyes. We had so much fun. He kept apologizing to me, he thought she was my girlfriend and that I might be offended that he was eyeing her. It's too bad we didn't go on the weekend - I bet that place is a blast.
We left and got followed by some random drunk guy who wanted us to come home with him. We told him what bar we just came from and he stopped in his tracks.
"...the gay bar?"
and we laughed. He gave us each a cig but we were all too buzzed to use the matches, they just kept going out even as we all huddled together trying to use them as a team. When Avril and I got back we sat on the steps for an hour. Some Japanese guy lit my cigarette for me. We saw the Argentines come home but they didn't say anything. We went to bed around two in the morning. But when I went to look for my vibrator I realized someone had stolen it. Someone had stolen my vibrator!
When I checked out I couldn't think of how to breech the subject but I wanted to mention it, I had just bought it and it was a very nice vibrator. Waterproof too. When the women checked me out she asked how my stay was.
"Nice, I like London. Nice people, lots of trees for a city. But you know, something was stolen from my room - I think it was last night. It is small and white, about this big, round with flat top that had three little bumps on it."
"Well I don't know if anyone found anything, what exactly is it?" her head tilted to the side questioningly.
I leaned in, "It's my vibrator."


As I left I realized someone also stole my ATM card out of my pants pocket while I was sleeping (I slept with them on).
Jesus titty fuckin Christ.

Early

Maria's Birthday. I'll have to call her later.
Ugh, so early. I couldn't sleep all night. I felt like a jerk every time I moved in the bunk bed because the whole thing would creak and sigh as it moved around, I could just feel the hate coming from the other girls in the room (there are eight bunk beds). I'm tired and I don't want to do anything but I don't want to waste my time here. I only have a week in London and the only thing I did yesterday was behind closed doors. I mean, this may be the only time in my life that I'm here and I'm going to hang out in a hostel? Somehow the sleepiness is telling me that it would be far more satisfying to chill here than roam the city getting lost and starring at famous buildings. The only thing I really don't want to miss is the British museum but I still have a few more days. I hope I don't regret it later. I hate when people ask "oh, did you go see this or that?" and I'll be like "no" and then they will explain why I should have seen it and I won't agree but will smile and nod anyways. I predict this in my future.
I'm in the kitchen in the hostel and there is this old guy in his robe with half his stuff hanging out, making something on the stove. His hair is sticking up and he is going bald. Kind of gross, kind of interesting - it is like sitting in the back of some middle aged man's kitchen. Smells that way too.
I have to confess, I am a fool. I am kinda hoping to run into the Argentine again. He won't get up until later (I think), so I guess he'll find me if he wants to. I hope he wants to.

Oh it's too early. Decent people are asleep.