Wednesday, October 21, 2009

the funk

so the funk is what I call my depression crazy-ness thing. It feels a bit like drowning. you go under and then sometimes you cup up, get a little bit of air and then you are sinking again and there is a point where you stop fighting and you just sink and everything gets darker. I call it the funk because it feels really funky.

Signs of the funk include sleeping a lot, not bathing/grooming, not changing clothes, not eating, lack of human contact, feeling very sleepy, not caring about anything, joys such as music and books no longer matter, then comes the self harm and fantasies of suicide and then the plans of suicide but really at that point I'm too tired to do anything and i just lay in bed wanting to die and hating myself.

Yeah, the funk is fun like that. I had it on and off for a long time but it got really bad summer of 08. So I went to the doctors. They did test on e, saw my iron was low but even with it raised I wasn't feeling un-funkified. so they gave me celexa which improved me a little i guess but i still laid in bed all day so they added an upper called welbutrin and that immediately improved my mood and i was getting out of bed and my problems didn't seem so bad and blah blah blah. But is did make me feel on drugs and sometimes I would see stuff or stuff would glow and it made my head kinda foggy and my skin all tingly and odd feeling. I liked the Alice in wonderland feelings but I knew it wasn't a good thing to live in that kind of fog. sometimes i would feel down but it was more of a dip than a plunge and i always came up.

But then there was the peace corps to think about. I want to join really bad and they hinted that my mental problems may make it so i can't go. and once they decide i can't go i may never be able to go. !!! So I was freaking out and I decided it was time to get off the pills and show that I was all better. except i should have been taking them longer. but the doc didn't argue when i said my insurance was ending and so i went off of them in late august.

And now it is October and my medical re-review comes in February and my dad suggested starting to pay for it now since my insurance really is over (you get kick off your parent's insurance when you graduate college). Yesterday I went to bed at 8:30pm and was woken at 8am. I took an hour nap at 11am and then an hour at 3pm and then I slept from 5 to 9:30pm. I have not bathed in at least 5 days, I have not changed my clothes in at least five days. I say at least because I can't remember the last time I did either.

I have lost many friends and I didn't have many to start with. I am alone. I have no job outside the house so I have no reason to leave it. I stay in my room, I babysit, I sleep, I watch netflix movies and shows. I just lay around. For dinner tonight i had a can of corn because I just don't have the energy to cook anything. I don't want the funk to come back. I think it wouldn't if I just had some exercise and social contact. But I can't get either. I don't know ho to get friends and I am just so tired. I sometimes just feel ready for the big sleep. I just want to old on to some sanity until I get to February, just leave and start my adventure and then I will have work, a purpose, forced into meeting all sorts of interesting people. Some people say when you run from your problems they follow you, that you can never get away from yourself. But I think I would be better if I left.

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