This post is for John.
He called me this morning. He said he is still friends with me, why wouldn't he be. and he just asked that Lynn and I stop fighting - and he said they arn't dating. Whatever. I'm going to try to stop by his work today.
But he said he was going to read the blog. This makes me nervous. Everything on here is truthful but it's weird having someone I know read it, especially because of the subject matter and the fact that he is the subject matter sometimes.
So John, if you are reading this...weird.
And for you other folks, I will have two very interesting posts sometime today or tomorrow. It's been a weird weekend.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Heavy
I've been naming people after their e-mail address. So this dude is named Heavy. He is one of the CL dudes. He sent me a pic of himself in army fatigues. He is blond with short hair and blue eyes. He said he wanted to chat a bit before we meet up so he gave me his number and we texted each other. Here is how it ran:
Me: hi
Heavy: Hi. My name is ***** by the way. How are ya?
Me: I'm good, just chatting to people and listening to modest mouse.
Heavy: I'm listening to the Kings of Leon.
Heavy: So you are looking for a fwb?
Me: Kind of. Just a one time thing and if its really good we could do a fwb
Heavy: Sounds good. What type of one time thing would you be looking for? Is there a fantasy in mind or circumstance?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this. Is there something you had in mind?
Heavy: It would seem you need a guide. Someone who can make you comfortable, and make you feel sexy. Maybe we meet up and keep the chit chat minimal, and focus on glances and restraint. Teasing.
Me: You sound awesome
Heavy: I can give you what you want, but more to the point, I can show you what you want. I'm slow and easy taking in every moment and dragging out the impulse to lose control.
Heavy: You can remain in control and still lose yourself in the moment. Are you 420 friendly?
Me: Yeah
Heavy: You're in luck. So tell me something about you.
Me: What would you like to know?
Heavy: What ever you think a perspective sex partner should know. Don't be bashful, it will dull your experience.
Me:I am shy in person. When it comes to sex I like it a little rough.
Heavy: Good girl.
Heavy: That's a big piece of the puzzle. The more pieces I find the better the sex gets. You ever considered being a submissive?
Me: Actually yes, but my friend that I was going to try it with lives in L.A. and I don't have a car.
Heavy: I could train you from time to time. So you live nearby?
Me: Yeah.
Heavy: I think we will hit if off tomorrow.
So tomorrow came and I got up early to go meet him. We were supposed to meet at Starbucks, which I chose because I never go there. But I had been talking to this other guy about meeting there too, but I had changed my mind and couldn't get ahold of him - in short, I was afraid both guys would be there. Awkward to say the least. So I switched it to the smoothie place next door.
When I ordered my smoothie I turned around and there was a man staring at me very intently. He was wearing a button up plaid blue shirt, very cowboy-ish.
"Do you like table top arcade games?" He motioned to the pac man game they had there.
"I haven't played them much." I said.
I sat down across from him and looked down at the arcade game. Little flashing lights and a tune playing that clashed with the dance music playing in the smoothie place.
He had tattoos all over his arms. They weren't full on sleeves because there were spaces between the tattoos. His hands were even tattooed. I can't even remember what was said. I usually go for medium or lean/athletic build guys. This guy is a tad bit heavier but he was so charismatic. I wanted to keep talking to him. In that moment I was thinking "My life amazes me. How much luckier could I get?"
He asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said sure but then we ran into the problem of where. I couldn't go back to my place in the middle of the day and expect privacy - my mom had been bothering me all morning. And my siblings are very young and loud. He suggested we go to a park. He leaned and looked me in the eyes.
"I would like to fuck your brains out right now, I just don't know where we would go."
And that's when I realized he was talking about more than smoking today.
"I'm not in High School anymore, I like being inside."
"Oh you were that girl in High School?"
"Yeah, but I didn't sleep around. I had sex in lakes, parks, beds, bathrooms..."
"Anywhere starting with the letter b..."
I laughed.
"You don't seem shy."
"I'm shy about...certain things."
"Oh, 'certain' things." We both knew I was saying sex.
"Well, I'll give you this. There is more where that came from. And text me when you want to get together."
He handed me a nugget wrapped in plastic.
"Will do."
He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him a brief one.
We both started walking away.
"I don't want to leave you right now, ugh."
I laughed, "Goodbye."
He texted me five minutes later. I was practically giddy. So happy.
"Are you going to text me again or have I scared you?"
"I'll text you."
"I really want to come over right now. You've got me all hot and bothered"
hmmm, weird. I didn't actually flirt with him much. How was he 'hot and bothered' by our little hello?
"We should have made out."
ick.
"Should I come over?"
"Not now."
I'm not sure if it is my doubts or what. Like I have a feeling I would have to have a conversation with him and he might actually try and make me cum, which is very embarrassing for me for some reason. I know when I met him and right afterwards I thought it was the best thing ever and I felt super lucky. But by the time he finished texting me I was not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it will be a really good idea or really bad idea. I wish I knew! I liked his personality when I talked to him but now I'm not sure. And he seemed neither ugly nor attractive - I didn't feel that excitement when you meet someone you really want to fuck.
To fuck, or not to fuck - that is the question.
Me: hi
Heavy: Hi. My name is ***** by the way. How are ya?
Me: I'm good, just chatting to people and listening to modest mouse.
Heavy: I'm listening to the Kings of Leon.
Heavy: So you are looking for a fwb?
Me: Kind of. Just a one time thing and if its really good we could do a fwb
Heavy: Sounds good. What type of one time thing would you be looking for? Is there a fantasy in mind or circumstance?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this. Is there something you had in mind?
Heavy: It would seem you need a guide. Someone who can make you comfortable, and make you feel sexy. Maybe we meet up and keep the chit chat minimal, and focus on glances and restraint. Teasing.
Me: You sound awesome
Heavy: I can give you what you want, but more to the point, I can show you what you want. I'm slow and easy taking in every moment and dragging out the impulse to lose control.
Heavy: You can remain in control and still lose yourself in the moment. Are you 420 friendly?
Me: Yeah
Heavy: You're in luck. So tell me something about you.
Me: What would you like to know?
Heavy: What ever you think a perspective sex partner should know. Don't be bashful, it will dull your experience.
Me:I am shy in person. When it comes to sex I like it a little rough.
Heavy: Good girl.
Heavy: That's a big piece of the puzzle. The more pieces I find the better the sex gets. You ever considered being a submissive?
Me: Actually yes, but my friend that I was going to try it with lives in L.A. and I don't have a car.
Heavy: I could train you from time to time. So you live nearby?
Me: Yeah.
Heavy: I think we will hit if off tomorrow.
So tomorrow came and I got up early to go meet him. We were supposed to meet at Starbucks, which I chose because I never go there. But I had been talking to this other guy about meeting there too, but I had changed my mind and couldn't get ahold of him - in short, I was afraid both guys would be there. Awkward to say the least. So I switched it to the smoothie place next door.
When I ordered my smoothie I turned around and there was a man staring at me very intently. He was wearing a button up plaid blue shirt, very cowboy-ish.
"Do you like table top arcade games?" He motioned to the pac man game they had there.
"I haven't played them much." I said.
I sat down across from him and looked down at the arcade game. Little flashing lights and a tune playing that clashed with the dance music playing in the smoothie place.
He had tattoos all over his arms. They weren't full on sleeves because there were spaces between the tattoos. His hands were even tattooed. I can't even remember what was said. I usually go for medium or lean/athletic build guys. This guy is a tad bit heavier but he was so charismatic. I wanted to keep talking to him. In that moment I was thinking "My life amazes me. How much luckier could I get?"
He asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said sure but then we ran into the problem of where. I couldn't go back to my place in the middle of the day and expect privacy - my mom had been bothering me all morning. And my siblings are very young and loud. He suggested we go to a park. He leaned and looked me in the eyes.
"I would like to fuck your brains out right now, I just don't know where we would go."
And that's when I realized he was talking about more than smoking today.
"I'm not in High School anymore, I like being inside."
"Oh you were that girl in High School?"
"Yeah, but I didn't sleep around. I had sex in lakes, parks, beds, bathrooms..."
"Anywhere starting with the letter b..."
I laughed.
"You don't seem shy."
"I'm shy about...certain things."
"Oh, 'certain' things." We both knew I was saying sex.
"Well, I'll give you this. There is more where that came from. And text me when you want to get together."
He handed me a nugget wrapped in plastic.
"Will do."
He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him a brief one.
We both started walking away.
"I don't want to leave you right now, ugh."
I laughed, "Goodbye."
He texted me five minutes later. I was practically giddy. So happy.
"Are you going to text me again or have I scared you?"
"I'll text you."
"I really want to come over right now. You've got me all hot and bothered"
hmmm, weird. I didn't actually flirt with him much. How was he 'hot and bothered' by our little hello?
"We should have made out."
ick.
"Should I come over?"
"Not now."
I'm not sure if it is my doubts or what. Like I have a feeling I would have to have a conversation with him and he might actually try and make me cum, which is very embarrassing for me for some reason. I know when I met him and right afterwards I thought it was the best thing ever and I felt super lucky. But by the time he finished texting me I was not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it will be a really good idea or really bad idea. I wish I knew! I liked his personality when I talked to him but now I'm not sure. And he seemed neither ugly nor attractive - I didn't feel that excitement when you meet someone you really want to fuck.
To fuck, or not to fuck - that is the question.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My Life is très awesome
I can't believe my life is so awesome.
Some guy had the word fries in his e-mail address and at the time I couldn't remember his name so I put him in my cell as Fries. So Fries was one of the guys who I responded to from Craig's List. He seemed cute enough. He gave me his number, said he would be free after eight so I texted him. and he texted back.
We met in front of a pizza parlor. I walked there and he drove. He stepped out of his old white car, "Hi."
"Hello"
"Did you walk here?"
"Yeah, I live just down the way" I pointed.
"Wanna go back to your place?"
"Shuuuure."
and into the car we went.
He asked about my house and I said it is a studio and left it at that. He parked behind my dad's car.
"Do a lot of people live here?"
"No, not really." I led the way up the path to my door.
I turned off the outside light as we went in and locked the door to the rest of the house, he locked the front door. I put my hair up and said something about my place being messy. I asked if he had done this before and he said "Yeah, a few times. I've met some interesting people." He took off his glasses, i took off mine.
He kissed me. Standing up he was much taller than me. I was in heels and he still had to lean down. I'm not going to lie, I was feeling nervous. I started thinking and then I told myself no - stop thinking. Just. stop. thinking.
"Wanna hit the lights?" He asked.
So I did.
"Lead the way." He said.
I led him to my bed and he sat down, pulling me onto him.
He kissed me passionately, his hand on the back of my head. I kissed him back. Kisses amaze me because they are so personal, everyone has a different kiss. His used very little tongue but still managed to feel lusty. Full mouth kiss. We took off our clothes quickly.
At first I had wondered why he wanted the lights off - I have never had a guy make that request before, they usually want to see everything. But I immediately could see the benefits of it. You become much less focused on how you look and how the other person looks - it is all about how it feels. Which is nice.
He pulled out a condom right away. Not much foreplay. He guided himself into me, with me on top. We kept having this problem of him slipping out but we just laughed it off after the second time. It felt very carefree. He had short hair so I couldn't grab it, so instead I held on to his back, running my fingers across it I kissed his neck a gave it a nibble. I was careful not to mark him though. He got on top of me.
It was fairly good sex considering that it was a one night stand. He didn't quite figure out how I wanted it until the end though, which was a bit disappointing. I did get to try a position I've been wanting to get better at - him sitting up and me facing away from him. That was fun. Doggy style was a bit painful at first, which sometimes happens, but then I just changed the angle of my hips and I was reminded of why I liked that position so much. But in the end it came back to him on top, with my legs up. My favorite position. I like how it feels and I like the weight of a man on top of me, I like to see their shoulder and arm muscles working, I like grabbing their butts.
It was pleasant. Afterwards he threw away the condom and kissed me, putting on his clothes. I put my shirt on. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was here.
"It was nice meeting you." He said, reaching out to shake my hand as he went out the door.
"Nice to meet you too." I said, smiling.
Some guy had the word fries in his e-mail address and at the time I couldn't remember his name so I put him in my cell as Fries. So Fries was one of the guys who I responded to from Craig's List. He seemed cute enough. He gave me his number, said he would be free after eight so I texted him. and he texted back.
We met in front of a pizza parlor. I walked there and he drove. He stepped out of his old white car, "Hi."
"Hello"
"Did you walk here?"
"Yeah, I live just down the way" I pointed.
"Wanna go back to your place?"
"Shuuuure."
and into the car we went.
He asked about my house and I said it is a studio and left it at that. He parked behind my dad's car.
"Do a lot of people live here?"
"No, not really." I led the way up the path to my door.
I turned off the outside light as we went in and locked the door to the rest of the house, he locked the front door. I put my hair up and said something about my place being messy. I asked if he had done this before and he said "Yeah, a few times. I've met some interesting people." He took off his glasses, i took off mine.
He kissed me. Standing up he was much taller than me. I was in heels and he still had to lean down. I'm not going to lie, I was feeling nervous. I started thinking and then I told myself no - stop thinking. Just. stop. thinking.
"Wanna hit the lights?" He asked.
So I did.
"Lead the way." He said.
I led him to my bed and he sat down, pulling me onto him.
He kissed me passionately, his hand on the back of my head. I kissed him back. Kisses amaze me because they are so personal, everyone has a different kiss. His used very little tongue but still managed to feel lusty. Full mouth kiss. We took off our clothes quickly.
At first I had wondered why he wanted the lights off - I have never had a guy make that request before, they usually want to see everything. But I immediately could see the benefits of it. You become much less focused on how you look and how the other person looks - it is all about how it feels. Which is nice.
He pulled out a condom right away. Not much foreplay. He guided himself into me, with me on top. We kept having this problem of him slipping out but we just laughed it off after the second time. It felt very carefree. He had short hair so I couldn't grab it, so instead I held on to his back, running my fingers across it I kissed his neck a gave it a nibble. I was careful not to mark him though. He got on top of me.
It was fairly good sex considering that it was a one night stand. He didn't quite figure out how I wanted it until the end though, which was a bit disappointing. I did get to try a position I've been wanting to get better at - him sitting up and me facing away from him. That was fun. Doggy style was a bit painful at first, which sometimes happens, but then I just changed the angle of my hips and I was reminded of why I liked that position so much. But in the end it came back to him on top, with my legs up. My favorite position. I like how it feels and I like the weight of a man on top of me, I like to see their shoulder and arm muscles working, I like grabbing their butts.
It was pleasant. Afterwards he threw away the condom and kissed me, putting on his clothes. I put my shirt on. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was here.
"It was nice meeting you." He said, reaching out to shake my hand as he went out the door.
"Nice to meet you too." I said, smiling.
What Should I Do?
I've been thinking about the whole Lynn thing that happened this morning. It made me wonder if the risks of having the blog are worth it. I risk embarrassment and harassment. Losing friends (but were they really friends?).
I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.
Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.
What will make me happiest?
My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.
Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.
I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.
Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.
What will make me happiest?
My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.
Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.
Bad way to start the day
So of course someone found out about this website and I shall give you an exact transcript. This marks the day I started using code names instead of real names, btw.
Lynn
theres a reason why John doesnt answer your phone calls...its because you annoy the hell out of him and he loves me ....stop posting shit online about how you think he wants to have sex with you hes not interested in you get it through your big head...you are hella delusional ...you are very two faced thats not a good quality to have ...if all you have to write about online is my boyfriend then thats sad get a life...stop trying to be a home wrecker you assface...also stop talking about Johns drug use online that shits just not right let him have some fucking dignity....you would have a better sex life if your personality wasnt so ugly....
Sky
Lynn, I am guessing from this that you found my website. It's anonymous and if he wanted I could change his name on there. And obviously my sex life is fine. When I wrote that John wasn't dating you and the only reason I thought he wanted to have sex with me is because he asked to have sex with me. We've been talking about having a threesome for years, before he even knew you. I wouldn't do anything with John while he is dating someone. I'm not in love with John and I don't want to date John. We've always been friends.
If John thinks that about me he should get some balls and tell me. I call because he is my friend. If he doesn't want to be friends he should tell me. I figured he stopped calling because he always stops calling when you two are dating.
And I'm not two faced, I'm honest. Look who sweet talks me one second and then sends me nasty messages the next?
Lynn
im not sweet talking you i was trying to be your friend you have no interest in being friends with me your just trying to get close with john... you would feel the same way if you thought someone was trying to be your friend too and then you found out all that shit...its just lame i'm tired of trying with you dude....you should just get all of that crap out of your head ...its not going to happen dear
Lynn
also john doesnt call you not cause hes with me ...he doesnt call you because "your not a cool person"....direct quote
Sky
I would like to be frinds with you but every time I try you think i am trying to make a move on John and you get hella jealous! if he loves you nothing will ever happen with me so why are you worried? I will NEVER do anything with him while he is dating someone. the only reason I wanted to have sex with him he is because i've been experimenting and its nice to do with someone you trust, and he was SINGLE and HE ASKED TO. I didn't even bring it up! He did! I don't find him attractive - I just like his personality. and I like yours. Why can't you accept that?
Sky
and like i said, if he thinks that about me he should call and tell me.
Lynn
Johns not that rude
Sky
it's not being rude - it's being honest
Lynn
theres a reason why John doesnt answer your phone calls...its because you annoy the hell out of him and he loves me ....stop posting shit online about how you think he wants to have sex with you hes not interested in you get it through your big head...you are hella delusional ...you are very two faced thats not a good quality to have ...if all you have to write about online is my boyfriend then thats sad get a life...stop trying to be a home wrecker you assface...also stop talking about Johns drug use online that shits just not right let him have some fucking dignity....you would have a better sex life if your personality wasnt so ugly....
Sky
Lynn, I am guessing from this that you found my website. It's anonymous and if he wanted I could change his name on there. And obviously my sex life is fine. When I wrote that John wasn't dating you and the only reason I thought he wanted to have sex with me is because he asked to have sex with me. We've been talking about having a threesome for years, before he even knew you. I wouldn't do anything with John while he is dating someone. I'm not in love with John and I don't want to date John. We've always been friends.
If John thinks that about me he should get some balls and tell me. I call because he is my friend. If he doesn't want to be friends he should tell me. I figured he stopped calling because he always stops calling when you two are dating.
And I'm not two faced, I'm honest. Look who sweet talks me one second and then sends me nasty messages the next?
Lynn
im not sweet talking you i was trying to be your friend you have no interest in being friends with me your just trying to get close with john... you would feel the same way if you thought someone was trying to be your friend too and then you found out all that shit...its just lame i'm tired of trying with you dude....you should just get all of that crap out of your head ...its not going to happen dear
Lynn
also john doesnt call you not cause hes with me ...he doesnt call you because "your not a cool person"....direct quote
Sky
I would like to be frinds with you but every time I try you think i am trying to make a move on John and you get hella jealous! if he loves you nothing will ever happen with me so why are you worried? I will NEVER do anything with him while he is dating someone. the only reason I wanted to have sex with him he is because i've been experimenting and its nice to do with someone you trust, and he was SINGLE and HE ASKED TO. I didn't even bring it up! He did! I don't find him attractive - I just like his personality. and I like yours. Why can't you accept that?
Sky
and like i said, if he thinks that about me he should call and tell me.
Lynn
Johns not that rude
Sky
it's not being rude - it's being honest
Monday, January 25, 2010
What's wrong with me?
Tonight I have been making conclusions, and I have been thinking.
1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.
So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.
John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?
I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.
1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.
So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.
John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?
I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Private parts
I decide to give myself a break. from the mundane, from life.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:
We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.
Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.
So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:
We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.
Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.
So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.
Friday, January 22, 2010
NERDY POST: apples
Every once in a while I just do a nerdypost and go on about some subject.
Hello apples.
Plants use humans to their advantage - compare us to the bee, who thinks he is getting the best of the deal from flowers ...but really, plants are using the bee to reproduce. Same thing with humans. Apples taste good, and by appealing to our senses they have spread around the world.
The apple started in the forests of Kazakhstan. There are apple forests there, where apples grow wild, but most types of apples are inedible. From Asia the apple traveled both east and west, and "eating apples" became popular. Apples were brought to the New World as well. This is where it gets interesting.
It was a law in some areas of what is now the U.S. that settlers would have to plant a few fruit trees, to show they were staying. Johnny Appleseed became famous because he would go out a little ways and start orchards and then a few years later when settlers came he would sell them the saplings. He got quite rich.
Since most apples are inedible or at least taste bad the only way to get good eating apples is to do grafting - cloning the old plant by putting one of the old tree's buds onto the new tree. Now you have a clone of the original. But the interesting thing is Johnny Appleseed was this purist and he thought it was best not to mess with god's creations. So he planted seeds. In each apple every single seed is different from each other and the parent fruit. This is a way that the fruit adapts to environments. Because of this adaptation you can have a delicious apple and plant it's seeds and get no good eating apples.
So settlers end up with all these inedible apples. There was a shortage of clean drinking water, and so the setters used the apples to make cider. It turns out that the best apples for making alcoholic cider and actually the bitter inedible apples they all had. Everyone started doing it! President Adams drank it with breakfast every morning. But then drinking and public drunkenness went up and there was a public outcry against alcohol, and cider especially. Protesters actually went out and chopped down apple trees. This was the beginning of the prohibition movement, outlawing alcohol. The farmers who had hard cider orchards could no longer make cider, since it was against the law. So they had to change their market, and they planted seeds and kept their eyes out for good eating apples. When they found a good apple they would use grafting to clone the eating apple, and they would make all of their trees that one kind of eating apple. They would name it and keep cloning trees with the goal of selling their apples nation wide. This is how we got the varieties you see in the store - Fuji, Red Delicious, Honey Crisp, Granny Smith, Pink Ladies, etc.
But if you are cloning all these apples and not allowing them to evolve, problems like disease, bacteria and pests have a chance to catch up and break through the apple's defenses. If you know anything about potatoes, same thing happened with them during the potato famine. So farmers use pesticides and throw billions of dollars of chemicals on these apples — that we eat.
Thankfully some people see the obvious solution — let the apples evolve! Some farmers have apple collections with over 5,000 different types of apples and they use them to breed and to experiment with, in the hopes of using some of the apple's natural defenses against pests. I would hope that farmers would cross breed randomly, but customers want the specific varieties of apples they are used to. So instead farmers are genetically modifying popular apples, adding new genes to help their defenses.
I think we should just embrace the diversity of apples. One farmer realized he couldn't compete with the big corporations making popular apples, so he switched to antique eating apples which are good for eating, but not sweet like the ones in the store. Most apples are not very sweet, but the ones that became popular are super sweet. The farmer grew all of these apples of varying sizes, colors, textures, acidity levels and sweetnesses. Some even had backdrops, like one had a nutty flavor. But he couldn't make a living selling them so he went back to growing good old fashioned hard cider apples — and oddly enough the best apples for hard cider taste horrible.
Apples have intertwined their history with ours, and by using us they have spread almost everywhere we have. They started out in just a small forested area in Kazakhstan and by tempting our desire for sweetness they have assured that their seeds will be grown and their species will thrive.
I just find this all amazing. How the apple changes and how we help and hinder that process, the varieties, what they can be used for. And can you imagine apple forests? Seriously, a forest of apple trees. I got all of this information from the documentary "Botany of Desire", based on the book by Michael Pollan.
Hello apples.
Plants use humans to their advantage - compare us to the bee, who thinks he is getting the best of the deal from flowers ...but really, plants are using the bee to reproduce. Same thing with humans. Apples taste good, and by appealing to our senses they have spread around the world.
The apple started in the forests of Kazakhstan. There are apple forests there, where apples grow wild, but most types of apples are inedible. From Asia the apple traveled both east and west, and "eating apples" became popular. Apples were brought to the New World as well. This is where it gets interesting.
It was a law in some areas of what is now the U.S. that settlers would have to plant a few fruit trees, to show they were staying. Johnny Appleseed became famous because he would go out a little ways and start orchards and then a few years later when settlers came he would sell them the saplings. He got quite rich.
Since most apples are inedible or at least taste bad the only way to get good eating apples is to do grafting - cloning the old plant by putting one of the old tree's buds onto the new tree. Now you have a clone of the original. But the interesting thing is Johnny Appleseed was this purist and he thought it was best not to mess with god's creations. So he planted seeds. In each apple every single seed is different from each other and the parent fruit. This is a way that the fruit adapts to environments. Because of this adaptation you can have a delicious apple and plant it's seeds and get no good eating apples.
So settlers end up with all these inedible apples. There was a shortage of clean drinking water, and so the setters used the apples to make cider. It turns out that the best apples for making alcoholic cider and actually the bitter inedible apples they all had. Everyone started doing it! President Adams drank it with breakfast every morning. But then drinking and public drunkenness went up and there was a public outcry against alcohol, and cider especially. Protesters actually went out and chopped down apple trees. This was the beginning of the prohibition movement, outlawing alcohol. The farmers who had hard cider orchards could no longer make cider, since it was against the law. So they had to change their market, and they planted seeds and kept their eyes out for good eating apples. When they found a good apple they would use grafting to clone the eating apple, and they would make all of their trees that one kind of eating apple. They would name it and keep cloning trees with the goal of selling their apples nation wide. This is how we got the varieties you see in the store - Fuji, Red Delicious, Honey Crisp, Granny Smith, Pink Ladies, etc.
But if you are cloning all these apples and not allowing them to evolve, problems like disease, bacteria and pests have a chance to catch up and break through the apple's defenses. If you know anything about potatoes, same thing happened with them during the potato famine. So farmers use pesticides and throw billions of dollars of chemicals on these apples — that we eat.
Thankfully some people see the obvious solution — let the apples evolve! Some farmers have apple collections with over 5,000 different types of apples and they use them to breed and to experiment with, in the hopes of using some of the apple's natural defenses against pests. I would hope that farmers would cross breed randomly, but customers want the specific varieties of apples they are used to. So instead farmers are genetically modifying popular apples, adding new genes to help their defenses.
I think we should just embrace the diversity of apples. One farmer realized he couldn't compete with the big corporations making popular apples, so he switched to antique eating apples which are good for eating, but not sweet like the ones in the store. Most apples are not very sweet, but the ones that became popular are super sweet. The farmer grew all of these apples of varying sizes, colors, textures, acidity levels and sweetnesses. Some even had backdrops, like one had a nutty flavor. But he couldn't make a living selling them so he went back to growing good old fashioned hard cider apples — and oddly enough the best apples for hard cider taste horrible.
Apples have intertwined their history with ours, and by using us they have spread almost everywhere we have. They started out in just a small forested area in Kazakhstan and by tempting our desire for sweetness they have assured that their seeds will be grown and their species will thrive.
I just find this all amazing. How the apple changes and how we help and hinder that process, the varieties, what they can be used for. And can you imagine apple forests? Seriously, a forest of apple trees. I got all of this information from the documentary "Botany of Desire", based on the book by Michael Pollan.
Fucking Fridays
I hate fuckin friday nights. Because I am almost never fucking, and that is what I would really rather be doing.
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.
Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.
I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.
Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.
I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Up down and all around
I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.
I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.
She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.
It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...
There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.
Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.
Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!
I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.
"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"
We line up.
"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.
The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.
I drove home and it was quiet.
I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.
My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.
I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.
She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.
It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...
There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.
Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.
Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!
I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.
"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"
We line up.
"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.
The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.
I drove home and it was quiet.
I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.
My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.
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