What am I doing here?

SO it is Sunday evening and I am siting on my armchair with my legs draped over the side, thinking about my laundry and refilling the ink in my good pen. But mostly I am wondering where my emotions have gone off to.

If I had to guess two days ago, I would say that today I would not be able to stop thinking about the new guy I am dating and I would be all fluttery and lovely. But mostly I am thinking about having sex, and not necessarily with Scott. The thing is that I would never cheat, and I know I won't. And I have never got the urge to cheat ever ever. Never crossed my mind before. But walking around yesterday I just thought, damn I would really like to fuck someone right now. And when I found myself thinking about Dick and a guy named Kenny (craigslist guy who I never called back) and the many other guys that were possibilities - people who would want to be in my bed. But why would I want them in my bed when I have found someone better than them? Where are my flutters and love-y feelings? Where are my emotions and what am I doing here? The Answer: This is how my mind seems to work when I feel rejected.


I think it has something to do with yesterday. We were both tired on Friday night so he came over, we made out and snuggled and what not and he meet the crazies that live with me. Then I gave him a hand job and we went to sleep. In the morning I woke to kisses and oral. Nice way to wake up but I wasn't really awake and so I think much of his effort was going unappreciated. Then I suggested sex. And I suggested that we do it twice and each have a turn of like directing it - getting exactly what we want with little consideration for our partner.
"What do you want me to do?" He asked as got a condom.
My style of sex is much different that what we did before. I like girl on bottom stuff the best. First missionary, then I looked for something that I could lay on so he could stand up and do it that way but the counter was too tall and the bed too short, so then I got a bunch of pillows to get me a bit higher and he was on his knees on the bed. I ended up sliding to the side which made him hit this great spot. Pretty much everything I said was deeper, harder or faster. I'm just that kind of girl I guess.

But anyways after that we talked and laid in bed for a bit. The whole time I'm feeling more awake and more horny, and wondering if it would be rude of me to ask him to stop talking and just make out with me or do me again or something. When we talk I let my hands roam randomly across him. I kiss him a little bit and he perks up and says "So, What do you want to do for breakfast? I'm starved."
Ugghhhh. I am not really hungry. If you keep track of it this is the third night in a row I've had him in my bed, and I haven't any Orgasms (unless you count the one I gave myself in the shower, thank god for those massaging shower heads). So I am feeling a bit ignored. He mentions food like two more times but I just keep kissing him. I think he gets the idea and his hands go south. For one, I hate this because he obviously would rather be eating and it's like I have to beg him for it. But whatever; we are just starting so he doesn't know me yet and whatever I try not to think about it.

But he has his fingers down there for like a minute and then he asks for directions. I kinda show him what I do but his hands arn't the same as mine so it feels different and he is not hitting the right spots. It is really frustrating. The more that I try to explain the further off he gets and I am kinda shy about explaining stuff anyways. So I am getting completely embarrassed and frustrated and this is so stupid. Here is this great sexy guy that I just had good sex with and he wants me to give him instructions or something. He stops and suggests a vibrator. I get one out and then I realize he is suggesting I do it myself. Lammmeee. I can do it by myself when he isn't here. And I am suddenly very very very embarrassed. My body is being all difficult when he was so easy. But I can't really say 'oh never mind' at this point because then he'll wonder why and I am not good at talking. So I try to masturbate with my vibrator with him right next to me. And I can't do anything with him looking at me. So I ask him to kiss me.
"I feel weird when you watch me."
"Maybe it would help if I did it too." He says and reaches over for some lube.
So now we are both masturbating.
I want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I have found guys touching themselves to be a turn on but this is just making me feel worse. I just want it to be over and my cheeks are flushed but not with pleasure. So I tell him to not stop kissing me and I hit the spots that I hit for a quick fix and I have the quickest little orgasm that ever was. I don't even know if he noticed. I stopped and when he looked at me with a raised eyebrow I said "I'm less dramatic than you." Vibrator off.
He finsihed himself off and we got dressed and went out to breakfast. He said he wanted to get some stuff done so he would be going home after breakfast.

We went to this cafe that is popular with the college kids and I would feel weird in there on a normal day. But I felt really awkward with him and then the place and I couldn't put my finger on what was making me feel all weird. Sometimes I don't make connections until I write it down. It was nice enough but I wish he would have just left me at home and I could of had breakfast at my own house where I felt comfortable. On one hand I was glad he was leaving so that I could sort through the wave of weird feelings I was having and so he could go do his own thing and not be sick of me. But on the other hand I was worried he was sick of me.
So I made this play list of some sad songs and some songs that were just slow and I listened and chilled. He was on the Internet and I didn't want to talk to him so I got off. When I get upset I want to run. Literally just exert myself and feel wind on my face. So I got the dog and went for a walk in the rainy cold night. I didn't even realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast until I was getting in bed. So I grabbed a can of corn and went to sleep. And still I couldn't tell you why I was feeling so weird. It was like the funk was creeping in. I can't talk about emotions because I can't see them until I lay them out in front of me, which is why I started keeping a journal in the first place.

So now looking at it I just feel like I don't count as much. Like I always have to put my pleasure on the side. And also like I am going to be too sexual for him, like I will always be wanting more. I don't like being rejected, it just makes me feel abandoned and lonely. I am mostly hoping for these feelings to just vanish. I know, I have great skills for dealing with my feelings. I posted on facebook that I was going for a walk around 9 at night; I was kinda fishing for someone to be worried. An old friend replied and I clicked to see what she was up to. Shock. There on her wall was a comment from the guy we had both been friends with, the one who raped me. And I couldn't help it. I clicked on him. His info was private so I couldn't see where he lived. Instead I looked at his pictures. His life goes on. His hair is getting long. I don't know why I do this to myself, like as punishment or something? What am I doing here looking at his pictures?
So today I mostly walked around in a daze and did nothing productive, just sitting around. As soon as I go on the computer Scott IMs me. He hasn't been doing much, just working out and cooking and stuff. He is getting ready to go to work. I am helping Cristina with her math homework. I don't know what to say to him. I have a feeling he has no idea how I feel. Because I can't even figure out what I feel half the time. I don't know why I feel so weird all of a sudden. Just super awkward and worthless. Sometimes I feel so normal, but now I feel funkatized. I have been kinda happy lately, what am I doing back here?


[edit] I kinda worked out my feelings as I wrote this and as I updated stuff from my Europe trip. Then I starred at man candy for over an hour and I feel much better. It's like the logical part of my brain goes "I don't think you were being rejected and you are way over reacting" and then my emotional brain goes "I can't help that I over react, it bothered me and I just want to feel better, someone fuck me". I wonder what Scott will think if he ever reads this (not that I'm giving him the link but he knows I have a blog and it wouldn't be that hard for him to find).

Bed Head

My hair is all messed up, mostly out of the pony tail I went to bed with. But I feel lovely. I haven't got out of bed, I am just laying here wishing it was much later, say, after work.

So Scott came over after his work last night, which put him here some time after midnight. I tried to nap a little before he got here but I failed. It was nice having him over again. Half of me wanted to talk and half of me wanted to jump his bone right away. But he laid on the bed with me fully clothed and we talked about our day and how tired we were. I ran my fingers over his hands while we talked. His palms have all these lines and his hands are rough without being coarse. I like his shoulders and arms and the little patch of hair on his chest.

Last night/this morning was we had sex for the first time. My period was close enough to being over that I just said what the heck (now I have to wash my sheet though). It was also really interesting because he is unlike all the other guys I have been with. He puts a lot of time into good fore play, and he is really into kissing during sex. Well, I should back up.

When he took off my underwear he just stared at my lady parts. I felt more naked than naked. We had a vagina monologue moment and he was like "you have a beautiful vagina". He gives me compliments all the time and I really don't know what to say back. I should compliment him more but I just don't like to say everything with words. Compliments make me feel exposed. But anyways then he started fingering me and immediately went to my G spot. Which surprised the heck out of me. No guy has ever found it before, and heck it took me a while to find it. And also every guy who has ever tried fingering me was just horrible at it, and I figured no guys could do it right. But the problem with the G spot is it makes you feel like you have to pee so I had him stop that.

So we talked about sexual experience. He has only been with one girl. ONE GIRL. like oh gee g geez. I really hope he isn't still hung up on her. He doesn't act like it but I don't know. I actually laughed when he told me, like holy shit. And even crazier he didn't seem at all phased that my number was so much higher than his.

So I told him my number (with him, 11) and admitted that I figured he had less partners then me but I had wrongly assumed he would not be showing me anything new. But it was like everything he did was new. The way he thinks about sex is new. He just seems more into the moment and isn't rushing to orgasm. He actually said he doesn't "hit it and quit it". It feels like even though I have had more partners he has more sexual experience. Which is going to be fun. We also talked about what we're into, and man I felt vanilla. He included spanking, the lady wearing a strap on and a vibrating butt plug. Spanking ok, but I don't think I would want to do the strap on thing. I prefer the parts I actually have. Like the only thing you can do is shove it in his butt and I just don't think I'm down. Butt plug seems really weird too. I don't like anal sex, which he said can be good if he's in the right mood, but I like pressure on the outside. So maybe I'd try it but I think he can keep that toy to himself.
But we both seemed to think vanilla sex, rough sex and bondage are fun. And I mentioned wrestling. It has always been one of my favorite things to do; I just like feeling a man's strength and feeling him hard against me. And it requires some skill to pin a lady down and get it in while she is trying to pin you down and just torture you.

The closest I've come to having an orgasm during sex is masturbating and then having a dude stick it in right as I'm cumming. But it just felt like being interrupted while masturbating. But that was in high school, and since then I have explored by myself. Vibrators are useful for that. And I have had the big O from just a vibrator with no outside stimulation so I am thinking I can have it from just sex too. I think Scott might be the one to figure it out. But either way he said he likes to give oral, which is bomb. I haven't had a guy make me cum since 2005. Pretty much five years ago.

I'm a little worried that I'll bore him in bed since I am not into like butt plugs or whatever. He seems to really like me though, and I really like him. He fell asleep some time after five and I curled up with him and we woke to his alarm at like eight. So hard to wake up, but not hard to get him hard. Such a nice way to wake up but we are both so tired. Yet I can't sleep. I want him to think about me all day. He said he hoped I wouldn't get sick of him, which is funny because I was hoping he wouldn't get sick of me . I swear he can read my mind sometimes. He is picking me up from work tonight.
"and maybe we can do something out of the bedroom" he said.
"Out of the bedroom?" I teased.
I really like to actually hang out with him, it's just that we are in this new exciting part and I just can't help myself - my hands are always roaming across his body and feeling all of it. I have no idea what we'll do tonight though. He also mentioned we can go to his place, but he has a gal roommate. And I'm thinking if we come straight here from my work he can actually meet my family (but I didn't say that). I mean it wouldn't be on the top of my list but I do live with them. I asked if he was my boyfriend now and he said yes. Kind of awkward question to ask someone while you are naked and they are leaving. I already updated my Facebook, *yay*.
I have a feeling this is going to be serious and that scares me a little. But my head is filled with him and that makes me not afraid, it makes me just really happy. and hopeful.

First Date with Scott (a very long date)

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Facebook Saves the Day

So the day after the mountain party I woke up and went on my computer. I went on Facebook. Scott had already added me, which is kinda amazing because it was only like 11am and I had left at 4am and I didn't give him my last name. But yay. Ball in my court but still - should I comment on his page, text him, do nothing? I went for nothing.

Later that night I was on the computer again and Andon (the dancing guy) messaged me through Facebook. It always surprises me because I forget about Facebook chat. But we talk and have all this stuff in common. Turns out we were both at the Outlands music festival in August, and we like a lot of the same music. He just seemed more and more rad the more I talked to him. And he writes songs too and plays guitar and suggested we jam sometime. Then he said something odd, "I really like you." and then like 10 minutes later he said something like "You are really cool". And of course my mind can't deal with men so I'm like uh, does he like me or like like me? He's cool but didn't seem like the type of guy who would go for me. Very music hipster, but not snobby, just vintage-ish dress. But anyways I was talking to him and I noticed Scott was on-line so I started talking to him too. He seems really cool. We talked about this and that but he seemed distracted so I figured he wasn't interested in talking to me and was replying out of politeness. So I stopped messaging to see if he would message me and he didn't so I dropped it which was kind of disapointing. So I got off the computer and that was that.

Then yesterday I was hoping that one of those guys would talk to me again because maybe something would happen with one of them. So I left my computer on the Facebook page and went about my business - I was trying to record some songs on the piano using my computer. Then Scott messaged me. We talked and we ended up talking from like 9ish to 4am. Around 3am he suggested we 'hang out' the next day, but when I asked what he wanted to do and stuff it started sounding like a date - going out for dinner after work, he would pick me up. Of course I was super excited. I wanted to go to bed at like 10 but kept talking all night because I liked him.

So then this morning I woke up at like 7:30am because I was so excited about seeing him later. My mom suggested I go get a new outfit or something. So I went to Goodwill and Target but it was hard to find anything that was warm, cute and work appropriate. I ended up getting a long sleeve blue shirt and a purple tank top - just basics I needed anyways. My mom forgot to tell me we were leaving an hour early (she gives me rides to work) so I didn't even have time to shower (or shave) - but I did clean my room incase we came back to it.

Scott said that Facebook saved the day because he didn't have my number and I never called him - if it wasn't for Facebook we wouldn't be going on a date. It's also funny because I was randomly invited to the party where we met through Facebook. Huh.

Party on the Mountain

So this guy Jax invited me to his party on the Mountain. I don't really know him well but I always got good vibes from him. He had a class or two with me my senior year at college. I used to stare at his hands. He wasn't really cute, had an ok body, but he had really nice hands and I liked the way he moved them. What is it with me and hands? He is one of those people that when they talk to you it makes it feel like you are the only person in their world. It isn't romantic though, just like this deep caring - I found out he is a cancer, there you go. He is graduating and so got a keg and invited everyone he knew.

So he tries to find a carpool I can join but most have filled up by the time I ask. I try and get Be but she is working and so I ask Crissy and she is out of her mind. She says she has to stay home and study. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! god damn her she has school for only two days a week and she chooses Friday night to study? So I was really annoyed. But there was the beast - aka my dad's suburban that they use to transport the masses of children they have. So I drove that, which sucked. But I really wanted to get out - how often to I get invited to a party?

I pulled up on a dark mountain road and walked towards a lit up garage. I could hear people. I walked through a gate and there was a small crowd and a keg and around turns Jax. He was wearing an alpaca sweater and a beanie. He showed me the tour - first is dance world (the living room with a computer blasting music and some black lights) then there was food world (the kitchen) and then jam world, a room filled with instruments and a really nice sound system. There was all sorts of people jamming all night. There was also an outside deck and somewhere there was a hot tub but I never saw it. By the keg there was a fire pit and people sitting around it.

So I spent most the time by the music, duh. I didn't know anyone. This guy sat next to me, his name is Scott. He was cute, had a nice nose and smile. After a bit a whole brass band came in and I wanted to dance but I was too shy and then Scott and some other people jumped up and danced and then I just sat wishing I had jumped up too. I closed my eyes and listened, it was beautiful. Like a musical orgasm.

So I floated from the brass band that moved outside to the band inside. I danced with this guy wearing the most awesome classic like indie nerdy look, the glasses and hat and curly black hair. He danced and we kicked out legs at the same time like I did when skankin' to ska music. His name was Andon.

At one point there was this crazy jam and it was past midnight and I was the only one sitting listening to this great music. And suddenly here comes Jackson and another guy and they are buck naked. Running through the house. They pause right in front of me and dance to the music. Then run back to the hot tub. This guy sat next to me and we talked and he was super drunk. He kept telling me how much he hated his girlfriend, who would walk by every once and a while. It was weird. There was a freaky girl singer but i had no one to talk to so I listened. Then they tried to rap and I offered my gravy train rap but the drummer couldn't get the beat right so i kind of mumbled something and left the mic embarrassed.

I went to the fire and had a long discussion about perception and how people judge by appearances with this guy who was really nice. Then Scott showed up in a robe and started a hookah for everyone. And I talked to a green haired guy who ended up being a pagan who is also fond of XKCD (the web comic). Scott sat next to me and we had this amazing conversation and we had alot in common.

Turns out his mom was a crazy drug addict like mine and he gave me his number. I was trying to figure out if he wanted to be friends because he would be an awesome friend or if he was interested in being more than friends cuz he is cute. The crowd kept getting silent as soon as I said thing like "my mom had a poo fight with our neighbor once". Pretty silly. There was this girl who I'm guessing had been in the hot tub at some point and she had a robe on but it wasn't closed and she had a black bra and a mini skirt. The only thing I heard her say in the like two hours I was at the fire was "if anyone needs a place to sleep I'll share my bed..." and Scott jumped at that. Go figure, half naked chicks always win. At like 4 in the morning this girl (pre op becoming a girl actually) wanted a ride home so I did because I know people have given me rides home but I wanted to stay. When I got home I remember thinking, will I call Scott? What do I do with his number now? I can't believe I almost didn't go to this party, and how random I was invited because don't even know Jax that well.

And then right before I went to sleep I thought, I never really looked at Scott's hands, I wonder what his hands look like....

Thanksgiving

So the holidays are upon us.

Thanksgiving creeped up on me. Usually we have it at my grandma's house. But this has been a tough year for grandma so we had it at our house. Which was stupid.

Everyone keeps coming back to grandma's like it is a magnet and they can't fight the pull. My mom's house is the opposite; it repels the whole family. Everyone got there 15 minutes before dinner was served and left immediatly after it was over.

Here is how the family breaks down on my mother's side:
Grandma had six kids: Uncle Fred is a single alcoholic (newly in AA) who likes any girl who will do him, sports, and gambling. No kids.

Uncle Ken moved to Idaho with his wife Babe, no kids. But they have a weird dog.

Uncle Lee is exiled; grandma has removed him. But he lives a block away and has a son who is my sister's age
.
Aunt Billie is a single mom with two kids, Crissy is my age and Ed is 12.

My mom has 3 biological children (Air, Me, Dean) and 2 adopted children (Gaggin and Neal) and then foster children. and my poor father.

Uncle Ted has 3 kids but never had custody of the two boys; he raised Be, she is two years younger than me. He has a girlfriend with two teenagers that are model children.



So we don't have T.V. at my house and my mom isn't turning on the radio for the game so that Fred can sit there worrying about his bets. He went into my room and used the computer to watch the game. He brought his girlfriend, who we have never heard of before and probably never will again. Next comes Ted and his girlfriend who is part of the family; she sits on the couch and smiles politley while the kids run around screaming. Ted cuts the Turkey while my mom says over and over "I can't do this by myself!". My dad is wresting the 3 foster girls into chairs. They hired my cousin Crissy to watch the boys and she is sitting at the kid table: she looks miserable. My mom spends the whole meal serving the kids. It is Gaggin's birthday so we put some candles in the pie and he eats in like five minutes so he can get the pie over with and have his presents. It is all he talks about. He is 4 now. He opens his gifts with no one watching except my mom. Mu uncle Ted does his classic manuever - he got my mom to buy his gift for Gaggin, he has no idea what he got him. He never buys gifts himself. We all pick names of adults out of the hat to see who we are buying gifts for this year - I got Ken's wife Babe. Could have been worse. Everyone starts leaving before the pie is even served, which is half way through dinner. Be shows up about that time, late, and my mom mumbles about how Be is so on drugs. We went to the midnight sales at the mall later and Be was halfway through a chocolate fudge cake, haha, munchies.

After dinner I flee to my room and look at old pictures of the family. I feel like they are all dead. I have a new family and they are not the one I grew up with. When I was young Ted never dated, I didn't even know Lee existed, Fred was married and smelled like a bar room floor, I had no younger siblings, we all lived in the same town...what happened?

My boss called and offered me more hours at work. At least I will have a chance at paying off some of my debt this year. I have a plan though.

My plan is to focus on work and composing my music and working out, and by January I should have most of my debt paid off and some weight gone and then I am going to find a fuck buddy. That is my plan. Nothing exciting will be happening for a while (I think) so I am going to back track and type up some older stuff. Until we meet again.

My Sexual History

Since I am taking my sweet time typing up my Europe Journal and nothing interesting is going on I figured I would give like a little summary of my sexual history as of right now.

Less than Sex: My first boyfriend I was a little afraid of and couldn't talk to and we 'dated' for a week. To get back at me for dumping him he asked my friends to help him cross dress at school. Of course there was stupid spin the bottle kisses. There was this bi girl named Kristina who played Vampire with me and I think we kissed but it was part of the role playing game. I know she bit me a lot. In Madrid at the end of this pub crawl two guys in a row tried to take me back to the makeout corner and I kissed them each for like a second and then walked out because I didn't like them, I only kissed them cuz I was drinking a bit.

Warning: I sound kinda judgey about the guy's sexual performance, but that's because numbers 3 - 10 were one night stands and most one night stands just suck.

Sex:
1. Drew - first real boyfriend, dated for over 2 years. "Ended" when he confessed he was a man whore and was sleeping with well over 20 other girls. I couldn't say no though and I secretly continued dating him for like 5 more months, but making it clear that I was weening myself from him. I dumped him twice.

2. Westly - Dated for a year. He was a freshmen, I was a young senior (High School). I wanted something fun but then really liked him. He ended up being a douche. He broke up with me for no reason. And his sex drive was like once a week and I am more like twice a day.

3. Dana - I went to Santa Cruz, my friends and I randomly found this party and I drank 8 cups of beer in an hour. This guy told me his name and I told him he had a girl's name. I was mostly blacked out at this point. Spent like 5 minutes in the bathroom with him and then 5 minutes in someone's side yard cuz we got kicked out of the bathroom. I think I slept with him to prove I could since it had been such a long dry spell.

4. London Joe - Guy from London. Very polite. I wanted to sleep with at least one foreign guy and this one bought me beer.

5. Argentina Man - I was feeling crappy about sleeping with Joe when way hot Argentina Man came onto me. Uh...I make no sense.

6. Young Guy in Germany - went on a pub crawl, drank a lot, this young guy was giving me drinks and being all nice and somehow I went back to his hostel with him.

7. and 8. Turkish Guys - I was walking to my hostel, drunk, from #6's hostel and these guys cat called me. Offered me free weed. I was like heck yes and they were really surprised. We had a threesome in front of a church. The second guy didn't get his penis in me but I still think he counts as sex.

9. Rob aka Amsterdam Asshole - I spent a weekend in Amsterdam not eating, only having beer and 'space cakes'. Rob and I did it twice and then I found out he was married with a kid. He wasn't cute or good in bed either (I thought the first time was bad because we were so wasted and in a tiny shower). '

10. Lesson Exchanging Dick - He came over to exchange a guitar lesson for a piano lesson, and he smelled good and had nice hands. Lasted 3 minutes. Oh well.



A round number 10. It's kind of crazy, with many one night stands - I'm very sexual and sometimes insecure, so adding alcohol just makes me want to sleep with the nearest guy. I've never orgasmed from just sex, and only the guys I dated (1 and 2) ever made me orgasm (yay for oral). And that's all she wrote.

Hot Tubs (and why they suck)

My mom loves water and is always cold; so she adores hot tubs.

But they suck. They are usually so hot I have to pop in and out, and the air is freezing so that sucks. But more importantly most people think it would be fun to have sex in one. It's hot and all the jets...right? no. Ladies know water just takes away any natural lubrication and shoves bacteria up where no one wants it. I've done it and the noise also blocks you from hearing people walking out to the patio, fyi.

So my mom got a new hot tub and got me in it for about 10 minutes. The next morning I took a shower. And then started the pain and torture of my bad luck. I started breaking out but not just normal breakout - big red sores on my thighs, back, tummy and chest. Then on my arm pits and bikini line. My nipples started to get these sores on them and my breasts hurt so bad I am wearing a normal bra with a sports bra over it. All my siblings and my mom have the sores too and my mom's ear was killing her so she went to the doctor - she got one of the sores in her ear canal. This is what we have (from wikipedia):

Hot Tub Folliculitis (also known as "Pseudomonas aeruginosa folliculitis") is a common type of folliculitis, a condition which causes inflammation of the hair follicle.[1]:272
This condition is caused by an infection of hair follicles due to the bacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa. The bacteria is commonly found in hot tubs, water slides, and such places. Hot tub folliculitis appears on the skin in the form of a rash, roughly resembling chicken pox and then developing further to appear as a pimple. Hot tub follicultis is extremely itchy, and left alone without scratching will go away much more quickly. If the rash is aggravated, it can stay, worsen, and spread lasting for months. By that point it is much more difficult to treat. The dots usually go away after about 7 to 10 days, but the condition leaves a hyperpigmented lesion that goes away after a few months.

The doctor told my mom hot showers and shaving razors can spread it. ugh. a vinegar compress is the only thing they really recommend at this stage, if it gets worse they give you antibiotics.

And Richard has called me 3 times. I only answered once (the other times I wasn't around to answer). He called me in the middle of night to 'hang out'. I declined, told him to give me a call some other time. If he calls back anytime soon I'll have to pass again - how can I let anyone see me naked with all these sores? It looks like I have chicken pox or something! Plus guys always want to mess with the boobs and they hurt too much for that right now. I guess I am on someone's booty call list though.

Lesson Exchanging Dick

So I was wishing for something to happen, wishing for a boyfriend or a lover or a one way ticket out of here. I am always working towards something but never getting there. So I go to sleep with this wish and I wake up to the phone ringing. His name is Dick. Who the fuck?

So I answer and it is this guy mumbling about a lesson exchange that I advertised like a month ago on craigslist, piano for guitar. He doesn't really know what to say and searches for words. He wants to come over. I tell him to give me 20 minutes. He comes over. I open the door and he is leaning against my railing with a blue acoustic guitar in hand. He is tall. Not really handsome but cute. I am immediately flustered and kind of ramble. I eventually give him a piano lesson, which he picks up really quickly. I like his big hands. When I lean in to correct him he smells nice. I like that he gets music. We sit down to play guitar. I am flustered and I don't get the strumming. He plays margaritaville for me, which I like because he sings well and guys playing instruments are hot. He looks over,
"You don't know this song, do you?"
"No..."
So we look on my computer and he looks at my itunes. He turns on free wheelin' Bob Dylan. He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I say no, no boyfriend. He asks me, "what would you do if I kissed you right now?"
"um....hope you don't get my cold?"
"What if I don't care?"
He leans over and kisses me. We are on my new bed which has way too many pillows. We are making out and he is on top of me. It kind of occurs to me I should stop him at some point but I don't really want to stop and there seems no right moment for it. So he asks me to take off my shirt and I do, and then he takes off my bra and soon we are both naked and I pull out a condom and he is on top of me. But my glasses have come off, and I realize I have never had sex without contacts or glasses (maybe I did at some point with my ex Drew when he was spending the night, but I knew what he looked like by heart). So I don't get the greatest view of this guy. But he is pale and average sized body (other than being tall and the hands). I'm not sure how big his penis is because I didn't even touch it with my hands, but it was hard to feel at first when we started having sex so that isn't the greatest sign. The whole time he was looking straight into my eyes and I couldn't take it, I couldn't hold his gaze. It mad me feel, like, more naked. But he asks me to get on top and I do and after (I swear) 3 minutes it is over. We both just put on our clothes, he had purple boxers, and as we are doing so he gets a phone call and has to leave for band practice. He says bye and tells me to call him sometime.
I couldn't believe it. I was happy because I was tired of that Amsterdam jerk being the last guy I slept with and I wanted to break in the new bed, and I wanted to meet a guy but I was too nervous and insecure about my weight. And here it just landed in my lap!
So I texted my sister Air and told her my guitar teacher kissed me (yeah, so I left out a few things...) and I told Juliette the truth. But I am not sure what he wanted. A one time thing? I was so shocked and happy I was in a daze. But of course the next day I avoided my phone to miss the urge to text him. I hate not knowing how things stand. I wish guys would just say "yeah, let's do that again sometime" or "well, nice meeting you don't call me".
So I flip a coin about 10 times to see if I should call him today. Every time it said no - can you believe that! But I text him anyways, saying he left his guitar picks. He texts me back with - no joke - "who dis?" and then I say "Sky, the chick you got a piano lesson from" and he says "ok" and that is IT. THE FUCKIN END.
I've been telling myself I shouldn't expect much because I slept with him right away, probably thinks I am a slut but he is a slut too why does it matter? At least we could be fuck buddys, we didn't have a real conversation so I don't think I would be hanging out with him. But I just got my hopes up. I thought it would be more than a one time thing. I don't even know why it matters because it wasn't that good of sex and he wasn't that hot. the one thing i did like about him was he had very nice cologne. So now I wish I didn't tell anyone (but at the time I was bursting to tell someone, I can't even keep my own secrets). I hate how guys are never straight forward. He already had sex with me, he at least could tell the truth!

The Fucking End of lesson exchanging Dick.

My Birthday Weekend

So most of my friends have dropped from the scene. John comes on and off my radar, and Maria is kinda ignoring me kinda not, and Juliette is in Santa Cruz, and the rest have either died untimely deaths or were never really that close. So I have no one to party with on my birthday.

My birthdays have a bad habit of ending up horrible and I cry. But last year was great. Last year was my 21st birthday and I drank whiskey and orange juice and barfed everywhere and the people who loved me put me to bed happy, because tons of people had come to my party. Mostly because Maria invited them. My cousins came from Cupertino though, which was nice of them. Even Crissy came; I think it is the only party she has ever been to. I only have one picture of me in the hot tub just grinning like an idiot. No idea who took it.

But anyways, this year my birthday came again. I'm a Scorpio. Solitary and lonely is my curse. I posted this sad thing of facebook like what the crap am I doing for my birthday and my cousin Jenny invited me to her place in San Francisco. Heck yeah. So I took the long bus ride to her place. When I was the last one on the bus the driver asked me where I was going.
"Folsom and 8th" I said.
"Ok baby, we're going to take a short cut, don't tell anyone. what you doin' in the city?"
"It's my birthday."
"ooo giirrrrrlll, watch out! I'm not kidding man, watch your drink. I know a man should be able to buy girl but youse got your own money to let him buy you no drink. If you are on a date go ahead but no stranger, they going to slip you roofies or somethin'. girrrl, watch yourself. The city can be a dangerous place!"
The whole time this guy is going on all these crazy side streets drivin this fat bus. I was just like "uh-huh, thanks mister" and he dropped me off.
There wasn't really anything to do but wait for my cousin. I got dropped in front of some leather daddy store - the door to the store was metal and you actually had to press a button to get buzzed in. I walked down the street but it was all closed clubs and bars, or gay leather stores. Finally Jenny came. Jenny is actually closer to my Dad's age than mine, but she is really rad. She is in a band that is actually good and has played with other good bands and she owns a dog walking/boarding business. She picked me up in this big smelly van, she looks so much like my aunts.
"Let's make one quick stop, I need some gloves for my Halloween costume" she said.
So we went into the leather store but there were no gloves small enough for her hands - she wanted like biker cops, she was going to be a sexy police lady. So we went to another leather store that had a lady section of latex outfits. It was freaky. I can't imagine wearing all latex.
"These stores are...interesting" I said, looking at a giant suction cup dildo.
"When you get my age you will want something to add a little excitement" she said, thumbing through leather props.
"I'm sorry, we are out of that size glove." said the store clerk.
"How about billy clubs?"
"Sold out too, but we have some other types of clubs and we have whips" the clerk pointed to a wall of whips, paddles, clubs and other things. I looked in the corner at a chair with all sorts of pokey metal and leather instruments around it. hmmmm.
"Hmm," Jenny took down a bumpy club thing and then put it back. "nah, thank you though." and we went out.
"So what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't know," I said "Whatever."

So we went back to her place. It was this little space between two normal buildings and there was a door, and when she unlocked that door it was like we were still in that little alley and you could see a small backyard that was grassy. Then we went into her apartment. It was small and when you came in you were in a tiny kitchen, to the left was a tiny living room and a bathroom and a normal sized bedroom. The walls were absolutely covered in art, band and concert posters, all sorts of stuff. She had mastered the art of living in a tiny space. It didn't feel cramped but there were lots of shelves and cupboards, and little see through colored curtains and colored glass hanging by the windows. She had a weed vaporizer in her bedroom and we smoked a little before we left. It made me feel stupid and all inside myself so I couldn't talk.
We sat around for a bit and then made our way out to a tapas bar on Mission. It was crowded and it looked like we wouldn't be getting a seat. So we started to leave and we ran into one of her friends, this dude I'll call Jeremy (I can't remember his name). Jeremy was like no no, we can totally get into to the tapas place and sure enough he got us in; he knew the bar tender or something. The food was bomb. We ate and chatted at the bar and after two or three rounds we left, Jenny was paying for me and I think Jeremy was paying for Jenny so he paid everything. Then we were supposed to go to a live music thing but instead we went to his house. We walked there, it wasn't too far and the night was really pleasant. His apartment was up all these stairs. His apartment was painted so cool. Even the roof was painted. It was all aztec themed. One of the bedroom roofs had a big sun on this rich blue sky and the rays of the sun were all squiggly and had little mirrors glued on them so it really shined. There was some girl in there too, I think it was a room mate. Jenny and Jeremy smoked more weed but I didn't want to. We went to three or four bars and briefly peeked in at a music place but it was too crowded.
One of the bars had this great outside patio, we got a pitcher of beer and drank under the stars. There was an overpass that went right to the side but it was raised so you could see under it and I thought this was strange. All through the night little funny things would come out. The only thing Jenny and I really had in common was family, we had never hung out before. So we talked about family but she grew up on the east coast with her mom, not her father who was my uncle Ron. She grew up near my aunt though. She let is slip my uncle Kral was using his antique shop as a front for cocaine back in the day, and our cousin Justin had got hooked very young. But we talked about other things too, like music. Most of the night was this happy haze for me.
We went back to Jenny's car eventually and she drove, which I was nervous about but she did it perfectly. I slept on her couch and felt drowned by dog hair. But it was ok, because I felt loved. After we woke up we went to the park to walk her dogs and we met some other dog walkers - this one guy wanted to be called crazy bill or something like that. Some other walkers recommended a place to eat so we went there afterwards. It was not normally a place I would go, or something I would try, but try it I did and it was fantastic.
Then Jenny drove me home for my family birthday party. We had it at my house because Grandma is still sick and I made the cake myself when I got home. On the way home Jenny kept talking but I hate talking in the car; I like looking out the window.
"Sorry we didn't see any live music last night like I said we would."
"That's fine, I had fun." I said.
"Well that's good. Jeremy just smoked me into submission..." she mumbled something and then we were both silent.

"You know that stuff I said last night, about Justine and that girl? You shouldn't repeat it and the stuff I said..."
"Whata re you talking about?" I said.
"Oh, you don't remember?" She said, her eyes opened wide, "Ok then, that's good!" she kind of sank her seat, relieved. I wondered what she had told me that I obviously don't remember. Family secrets lost in a drink.
Jenny smoked more pot before we got there so she could mellow out, I think she was nervous about talking to the family. She had grown up so far away from her father's side of the family so I think she feels like an outsider looking in sometimes. But heck, I grew up here and I feel the same sometimes. But the cake was nice and everyone gave me such great presents - like ones that were not very my style, but were so typical of them it made me love them more. Like Aunty Air gave me a blank birthday card with a post it inside of it saying I should sell my own cards to make money. That was her present - and the card, she said she didn't write in it so I could use it again. So her. Be and Uncle Ted got me a nice purse though, with a scented pencil and a car shaped nail clipper inside. Oh my family. My mom also gave me a picture of some chairs she wanted to get me from Target (but never did).

Now I'm 22.