So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.
At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.
We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.
In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.
Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"
Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.
Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.
They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.
We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.
The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.
I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.
I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.
The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.
One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.
Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.
The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.
When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.
Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.
In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.
We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.
In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.
We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.
He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.
I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.