Broken Girls, Strong Women

So it started like this for me:
When I was younger I got curious, and I poked around my lady parts a bit, but nothing felt good so I left it be. It was my first serious boyfriend that gave me my first orgasm (even though I didn't recognize it at the time) and it was he who taught me how to masturbate. During my relationship with him and all the men that followed one issue came up: I wasn't cumming during sex. When I was single and in college, I realized I couldn't let this problem of mine ruin any more relationships.

I got a vibrator and dildos and started exploring. I figured I could "practice" with the dildos, learning what I liked along the way, and then I would be able to navigate better with a real guy. Even though I highly recommend learning about yourself that way, it didn't help at first. The vibrations or outside stimulation always got me off. The only way these toys helped me sex-wise was when I used the little vibrators during sex.

When Andon started masturbating more than normal, I asked why. I asked because I was horny and I felt he was avoiding sex, preferring to masturbate. Then he told me he would never be happy until he made me orgasm during sex. I did with a vibe before, but that was weeks ago. And we've tried many times since then.

First I cried, and then I did some research. I found out only 3 out of 10 women orgasm during sex. I decided to see if I was one of those 3. I tried with a dildo and for the first time did not touch any other part of me - and nothing. Sometimes it would feel really good, but I could not orgasm. I tried until I was sore, nothing worked. I realized that I was like most other women.

For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Or that I wasn't doing it right, not trying hard enough, not skilled enough. I am one of the many women who don't orgasm during sex. But even more than that, I think it is just hard for me to cum during sex. For me, even a helping hand (or a helping vibrator) won't do the trick - I feel so concentrated on trying to cum that I can't feel anything. It's frustrating and disappointing.

But I feel like this is a moment of injustice. I shouldn't feel this way - this is the way my body is meant to feel during sex, I am not broken. Science has shown that women only feel so much of their vaginas; imagine if the vagina were too sensitive, sex may feel good but birthing would not. Usually most of the nerve endings that are inside the vagina rest within the first 4 inches, and many are on the front side of the vagina and a spot called the G spot.

But most people haven't even seen a well made diagram of lady parts, so most people don't know there is more. Because when it comes to females, it is about what you don't see. The Clitoris (or clit) is the lady part that most women get their sexual pleasure from, but most of it is under the surface. The clit would have actually have become a penis if the female had instead have become a male. When a man (or vibe, or hand, or whatever...) is poking around in a lady's vagina, it can also be putting pressure on the clit (yay!) and the bladder (boo).

So really the best way to make a lady cum? Stimulate the part that is meant for pleasure- the clit! Oral is amazing, and I cum within 3 minutes with just a vibe. I can orgasm, jus not like a man.

I am trying to accept this. I still hold out hope that something will change. Andon has been touching my boobs more and making sure I'm more turned on, which is nice. But I also try and get into spots during sex where he'll press against my clit in some way - and I hope one day that will lead to something. Surprise orgasm during sex? Please?!?!

We're also getting into toys and kinks, but more on that later.
Sex is an exploration.

Spring Break 2010

So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.

At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.


We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.

In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.

Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"

Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.

Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.

They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.

We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.

The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.

I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.

I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.

The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.

One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.

Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.

The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.

When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
He laughs.
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
"Oh, ok"
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.

Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.

In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.

We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.

In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.

We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.

He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.

I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.

Hey Baby That's Just What I Like

So I haven't updated in a while. I've been getting busy.

And I did something CRAZY.

But I'm not going to tell you yet. You get to hear the story a bit.

So Lesson Exchanging Dick had been texting me, and I had been busy on the days he did that. So then when I got the time I texted him and he said he would be over in an hour. So I jump in the shower and FUCK I started my period. But it's the beginning so I think to myself, he won't notice I'm on the rag if I just wash myself and hope for the best. Then I smoke some pot to loosen up before he gets there.

He comes over and he is hotter than I remembered. Somehow I remembered him like the Doctor Who from the second season but in reality he has darker brown hair and his face is less pointy, but he is skinny with nice abs. I am giggly and awkward because I'm stoned, but he seems calm and kind of smiles at me as I giggle. Apparently he is in AA...awkward. But he seems chill with it and we start making out and I notice the hickey on his neck. It doesn't really bother me but I ask him about it, because I don't want to be the other women. But he said it was from some girl he slept with, and that it was kind of annoying. So I just decided not to ask further and just pretend that he has lots of fuck buddies.

The sex was good and he left, saying he'd call me sometime but I figured it would be the same as before - booty calls only. But that's chill.





But then Andon. Remember him? I had a massive crush on him and then he un-friended me on facebook, best described here in the New years Disappointment.

He sent me a message on facebook about how he wanted to be friends with me again. How it was a big mistake and his ex's friends pressured him into snubbing me. I figure the last thing I sent him was something like "well ok if you don't want to be friends, but btw I had really wanted to do you". So I figure he hasn't had sex since January (when his last girlfriend moved away) and he is now trying to fuck me. Fucking really?

But I'm forgiving and I haven't been able to find anyone else to jam with, and what the hey maybe I'll have sex with him because he is cute and I can keep my emotions separate and not fall for him because last time he was a jerk...right? Right. So I say we can be friends again. And I tell him I won't be calling him, if he wants to hang out he can call me. I won't be going out of my way to make this work. So he texts me right away and I had deleted his number so I didn't know who it was. But he wanted to hang out and play music and I said sure, come by after work. And he did.

He shows up and we talk for a bit and are hella awkward. And he asks if I want to smoke a bowl and I say sure so we do. And then we sit on the couch in silence. being super awkward. And then he says really fast

"Wannamakeout?cuzI'mreallyhornyandI'dliketomakeoutwithyouifyou'dliketo" and he is just sitting perfectly still looking at me saying this.

"uh...sure." and I sit for a moment not moving and then we move towards each other and we are so awkward and stiff I think we'll bump heads but we don't and our lips meet somehow. And then his hand is on my back and it feels nice and everything actually feels nice.

And when we touch I'm not really that nervous anymore because it feels good and I don't have to think about what to say or what I look like because we are kissing and that's all I can think about. I privately wonder at how weird it is that I just had sex the night before with Dick, and I'm on my period, and I'm still thinking about fucking this guy. There goes my jamming buddy. I figure I'll never see him after this. It'll be too awkward.

We somehow move to the bed and I take my shirt off and soon we're naked except for my undies and I tell him I'm on my period but I'll still do him if he doesn't mind the mess. And he doesn't mind the mess. And we start trying to but he can't keep it hard. He says this always happens the first time. He has only slept with two other people, he only lost his virginity a year ago. And I'm thinking fffuuuuccckkkk. This may not be a good idea. and I try everything to get him hard and it seems futile and I feel weird about it and I can't tell how he feels.

Every time he gets hard we put on a condom and he immediately goes soft. I am horny and high and I don't give a damn. I get him hard and ask if we can skip the condom, I'm on the rag so who cares. He says, "Ok, I trust you." And we have some sex. But his dick is small and he doesn't seem to know what to do with me. He moans a lot. So much moaning when I'm barely doing anything! But we fuck all night. But he looks into my eyes and he says my name and he hugs me afterwards and wants to cuddle. and oddly instead of being annoyed with the sweetness I want to hug hug back. It frightens me. And in the morning he and I take a shower to get the blood off and then he tries to go to the bathroom in a towel and runs into my dad. God damn it.

He drops me off at work and about 40 seconds before we get there I ask where we are, as friends.
"Oh, well, I wasn't looking for anything serious." He looks guilty. Just what I thought.
"Either was I. So we're just friends?"
"Well, I mean..."
"I just mean are we allowed to sleep with other people?"
"Yeah, I mean, I won't... but it's your body I'm not going to stop you."
I can't tell if he just can't find anyone else to sleep with, or if he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. Whatever. So done. When I go to get out of his truck he leans in to kiss me.
I hesitate and then kiss him.

My Life is très awesome

I can't believe my life is so awesome.

Some guy had the word fries in his e-mail address and at the time I couldn't remember his name so I put him in my cell as Fries. So Fries was one of the guys who I responded to from Craig's List. He seemed cute enough. He gave me his number, said he would be free after eight so I texted him. and he texted back.

We met in front of a pizza parlor. I walked there and he drove. He stepped out of his old white car, "Hi."
"Hello"
"Did you walk here?"
"Yeah, I live just down the way" I pointed.
"Wanna go back to your place?"
"Shuuuure."
and into the car we went.
He asked about my house and I said it is a studio and left it at that. He parked behind my dad's car.
"Do a lot of people live here?"
"No, not really." I led the way up the path to my door.
I turned off the outside light as we went in and locked the door to the rest of the house, he locked the front door. I put my hair up and said something about my place being messy. I asked if he had done this before and he said "Yeah, a few times. I've met some interesting people." He took off his glasses, i took off mine.
He kissed me. Standing up he was much taller than me. I was in heels and he still had to lean down. I'm not going to lie, I was feeling nervous. I started thinking and then I told myself no - stop thinking. Just. stop. thinking.
"Wanna hit the lights?" He asked.
So I did.
"Lead the way." He said.
I led him to my bed and he sat down, pulling me onto him.
He kissed me passionately, his hand on the back of my head. I kissed him back. Kisses amaze me because they are so personal, everyone has a different kiss. His used very little tongue but still managed to feel lusty. Full mouth kiss. We took off our clothes quickly.
At first I had wondered why he wanted the lights off - I have never had a guy make that request before, they usually want to see everything. But I immediately could see the benefits of it. You become much less focused on how you look and how the other person looks - it is all about how it feels. Which is nice.
He pulled out a condom right away. Not much foreplay. He guided himself into me, with me on top. We kept having this problem of him slipping out but we just laughed it off after the second time. It felt very carefree. He had short hair so I couldn't grab it, so instead I held on to his back, running my fingers across it I kissed his neck a gave it a nibble. I was careful not to mark him though. He got on top of me.
It was fairly good sex considering that it was a one night stand. He didn't quite figure out how I wanted it until the end though, which was a bit disappointing. I did get to try a position I've been wanting to get better at - him sitting up and me facing away from him. That was fun. Doggy style was a bit painful at first, which sometimes happens, but then I just changed the angle of my hips and I was reminded of why I liked that position so much. But in the end it came back to him on top, with my legs up. My favorite position. I like how it feels and I like the weight of a man on top of me, I like to see their shoulder and arm muscles working, I like grabbing their butts.

It was pleasant. Afterwards he threw away the condom and kissed me, putting on his clothes. I put my shirt on. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was here.
"It was nice meeting you." He said, reaching out to shake my hand as he went out the door.
"Nice to meet you too." I said, smiling.

What Should I Do?

I've been thinking about the whole Lynn thing that happened this morning. It made me wonder if the risks of having the blog are worth it. I risk embarrassment and harassment. Losing friends (but were they really friends?).

I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.

Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.

What will make me happiest?


My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.

Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.

Stupid Things I Do

So when Friday approached I wondered to myself, is this a good idea? Probably not. But I doubt myself and I feel like doing something reckless so I drink a beer and when HS dude asks I tell him how to get to my house. He comes over at 1 in the morning. When I open the door he is wearing a sweatshirt and smells like some weird chewing gum, and he starts kissing me. But little pecks. He is taller than me and has short hair, he is middle eastern. He takes off his thick black glasses.

He pulls me over to the couch, pulls me on top of him. I am straddling him and we are kissing, but it is weird because he doesn't kiss with tongue. Which takes half the fun out of it. I take off my top and bra. He kisses my nipple. I ask him if he is going to get undressed or if it will just be me. We stand up to move towards the bed, and as he takes off clothes he kisses me and in between each piece of clothing he says "yes!". He seems almost thankful, and that bugs me. I don't want to do a guy who feels I am doing a favor for him. But no real turning back now. I kick off my shorts and panties, and he goes "oh, yeah, taking off panties, no big deal". He must be talking to himself. Now I am getting the feeling he has lied about his experience, because seriously who says that?

I am going from feeling empowered that I can just call someone and they come over for sex, to feeling like this was a horrid idea. At least I'm drunk.

So I just decide to fuck him and get him out of here. I put the condom on him and get on top. He is enjoying the shit out of this. I suggest position changes. He seems like another one of those sweet lovers. Good damn I hate that. I just keep having to say harder, deeper, faster. No matter how hard or deep or fast he goes it does not feel like enough. Some positions he gets at an angle where it kinda hurts, but I just go with it because I just want to feel something and it kinda hurts but the hurting is the only thing that is turning me on. I wear the dude out. He is dripping sweat at the end of round one. He wants to get me off, but nothing is happening for me. He has become the biggest turn off for me. He reminds me of London Joe in a bad way. He seems so grateful to be fucked. He isn't as muscular as I thought he would be, and just not satisfying. When I look at him I don't feel any lust. And he is obviously very hairy and tried to wax or shave or something, and now he is just prickly everywhere. Like ew. I actually consider kicking him out before he is done. But I decide to be polite. I did agree to this.

He tries to go down on me but I after a few seconds I kinda pull away, and he tried to finger me but I ain't faking nothing, and I tell him not to bother. He seems confused. He says this always works, he always gets the ladies to come like this. Dude, that's what they all say. I laugh and tell him I'm complicated. Round two. The one thing I like is he puts my legs straight up against his chest which is kinda fun. Mid fuck he asks me if I would like to date him. I tell him that I have a girlfriend and am just having my man fix. hahahaha. He keeps wanting to take breaks (who needs a break from sex?). I'm not sure if he is tired or if he is trying not to cum. Either way he eventually does, but the condom doesn't look very full to me so he may have faked it but I don't care. I tell him before he is even out that I need to get up early, he should go. He doesn't want to go. He mentions like three times that my house is closer to his work and he has to work early too. I push him towards the door and when he tries to kiss me I give him a peck and open the door for him. Buh-bye.

Immediately after he is gone I go on-line. I feel shitty about the whole thing. I can't believe I didn't just change my mind when he came in. At first it felt empowering but then it turned into a pity fuck. Fuckbeans. I talk to my friend Kaylee on-line. We have always been friends but have never had much to talk about. When ever we hang out with just us we stare at each other and have nothing to say. But I talked to her all night. Turns out once you talk about sex bluntly she starts opening up. She has always been shy about sharing the details of her sexual history. She told me not to be so hard on myself. We all do stupid things. We all get drunk and horny. We both talked about how sometimes liking sex makes us feel slutty. We both talked about how wanting more sex than the guy makes us fell like whores.

I took off my sheets. I had just taken a shower but I take another one. I can't seem to get rid of the smell of him and that damn fruity lube. I need to get rid of that lube (Scott left it). But I am drunk and moody so I also talk to this guy who is Andon's best friend. Stupidly. I tell him I just fucked someone and regretted it. I also tell him I had depression and mild OCD. Then I freak out and go oh gawd are you going to tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, oh my drunkenness gives me no filters baaahhh. But he says "you said nothing worth sharing". I'm not sure if he is being nice or patronizing. Either way I thank him and we talk of other things. I am up until 4am talking to him and Kaylee. She says our talk is Epic, we need to hang out more. I agree.

The memory of this night follows me like a lingering scent in the air, haunting me where ever I go. I feel stupid and kinda dirty. Sort of ashamed. I'm not sure why I did it, looking backwards. At the time it seemed important to do even if it turned out badly, because I knew it could. Oh well.

Somehow this makes me want to do someone else really badly. Like if a new memory comes it will replace the old ones and I'll only remember the newest one the most. And that one will be better.

New Years Resolutions?

So John came over for the eve and I was feeling less dramatic than when I posted so we talked and had a good time. I was in the middle of my wonderful Berlin/Amsterdam story when the New Years came and went, and we never noticed. He said the story was epic, perfect way to end a decade.
"What are your new years resolutions?" He asked.
"Hmmm" I hadn't thought about it yet. "Have an orgasm during sex"
"Penetration?"
"Yeah."
"That's a fucking good resolution."
"Yeah, that is a FUCKING good resolution" He said. "Oh, no pun intended!"
"uh-huh"
"That's cool though. I'm sure it will come to you. no pun intended"
We both just laughed.
So it was. He went home around 2am, with promises of playing music together and hanging out more. Told me he would call me. After he left I pondered for a moment. He had brought up the having a threesome thing again. Good idea or no?

So I go on-line today and decide to see what May is doing. May was friends with me in High School; I remember she came onto me once when I was sleeping over at her house, but I had a boyfriend (Drew) and was weirded out and slightly turned on by the incident. Oddly enough she is the first person I called when I needed someone to hold me after Drew confessed he had been cheating on me with everyone. But anyways she came back in town for the holidays and I want her and John to go to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with me. But she is busy. I turn the subject to lady parts - as in, I always wanted to have sex with a lady, how do you do that?

Our Convo:
May
do you masturbate?
not so different
I mean practice makes perfect
and then there's oral
that can be scary
but to start with
fingering is great


Sky
do you use vibrators or anything with each other?

May
don't know how you feel about toys, I don't
you can
not usually vibrators, just dildos

Sky
do you do strap ons?

May
not me
I've never been with anyone that does
it's not super common

Sky
are what girls like done to them very different, or is all pretty much the same?

May
hmmm
ok
well in the vanilla community (non-BDSM)
it's pretty similar

Sky
i know what vanilla is silly

May
well some people don't
ahah
a lot of people don't actually
but Yay!
um so
in the vanilla community, it's pretty similar
I mean there are small variations like in anything else
some women have a hard time getting to climax and you have to start quickly and slow down
other women are opposite
but that's stuff you learn throughout a relationship

Sky
yeah

May
some women like certain things in foreplay
nipples are really good for some and too much or useless for others
really depends
just have to read reactions

Sky
weird, i thought everyone liked the nipples thing

May
most
for some women it's really good like helps in orgasm
for some women, they're so sensitive it can hurt
or it's too overwhelming during orgasm
or it's exactly the trigger they need for orgasm
women are certainly more complex to bring to orgasm than men

Sky
yeah

May
but ok
basics wise
I mean it's very similar to masturbating
start with some foreplay
move on to the clit
sometimes you stay there
but usually you want to alternate between clit and vaginal penetration
if you're good with both hands clitoral and vaginal simultaneously is really good

Sky
yeah

May
if you're doing oral, then you use your tongue and teeth for the clit
and your dominant hand for vaginal penetration nd G-spot stimulation
it also helps (here's a trick) to push your chin lightly against her stomach just over the G-spot while you finger her
it increases stimulation and makes orgasm easier

Sky
wow

May
oh and I have found
that circles is much better than in-out thrust motion
circles are the trick

Sky
I'll remember that

May
haha I may have just given you way more info than you wanted
sorry

Sky
no way man
if you remember how horny i was in high school, triple that
i am more dirty than you probably

May
hahaha
omg
we should hang out
haha

Sky
we so should
lol

May
I love sex

Sky
me too



SO subject turns to BDSM, as in I ask how vanilla are you. Because these are my New Years Resolutions:
1. Have orgasm during vaginal penetrative sex, without using a toy or my hands
2. Have sex with a lady
3. Experiment more with BDSM (I'm a sub)
4. Have a 3, 4 or more some
5. Run a under 10 minute mile
6. Write a song by myself
7. Read all the books in my bookcase
8. Be debt free

So four are sexual, four not. Pretty even. I'm happy with it. But that brings us back to May - she is looking for someone to experiment with. So I say "too bad you're not single. I'm looking for a dom."
and she was like "I'm looking for a sub. I'm worried about the distance though, since you live here. I'm going to have a talk with my girl, I'm hoping we aren't monogamous."
"Well in that case I can just come down to visit you when I have time off"
"We need to keep in touch"
"We do"


DAMN MY LIFE IS AWESOME.

So I call John to see if he wants to go to the show tonight but he is undecided. I tell him about Maybe May and tell him to keep it a secret because it is a maybe after all. He is like damn, too bad she is a lesbian or we could all three do something. Oh damn.
"You still want to do a three some? We've talked about it a lot but we were always drunk."
"Yeah, I do want to. I've just always *mumble mumble*."
"Well in that case I'll look around for someone. It can't be that hard, what with the luck I've been having."

DAMN. This might make life awkward for John and I, though. We've been good friend for a long time. But I've kinda wanted a friend with benefits for a while. HMMMMMM.

I need to get rid of this cough and get busy. 2010 is going to be FUCKING awesome.

Elusive

So it was still Yule and I just got dumped.

I have met a lot of people through Maria, but I never got close to any of them - all I needed was one good friend, why waste my efforts on other people who may let me down? But Maria and I were/are in our tiff so I texted someone I met through her - Sadie. She invited me to join the booze train.

I borrowed my mother's car and drove back to my home town, meeting Sadie and her part time lover Dickaless in the breezeway at 7pm sharp. The night was crisp and cool. The wind made me shiver. I always wear a dress on the holidays, so I had my black dress and black leggings with those Ugg boots and a warm dark green coat. A dark rose and charcoal hat topped off the look, my long brown hair falling into curls down my back.

I brought my flask of whiskey and cigarettes, and we each picked up a 32oz beer at the sevey (7/11, a quicky mart). We walked down towards the pipe bridge, but instead of going down by the bushes and the bank we followed the train tracks a little ways and I could hear the hollow sound of a boom box playing. There were the usual suspects, most of them just visiting - back in town for the holidays. There was Alice, who was Maria's new best chick friend; a rather nice skinny white girl who paints creepy things, she had her own set of quirks and emotional issues, much like me. I like Alice. Maria and her boyfriend were there. Joe was laying on the ground, drunk and texting an ex, trying to flirt with Maria and being shut down. She told him she was going to shit on his face. There was another guy whose name always eludes me, I've met him many a time but he goes to college up north now. We shall call him Elusive Guy.

I sat down on a piece of wood. They were finishing off a thirty pack of cheap beer when we arrived, and I passed around the whiskey. I also brought my camera; I hadn't taken pictures of my nights out in a while. A few people complained about the pictures. Joe couldn't remember meeting me before, but said he remembered me from Facebook. He said my updates were interesting. He was really drunk and tried to climb a fence upside down. He kept bumping into me. I started talking to elusive guy and he said he last remembered me from a party over a year ago. He says he is Pagan but not Wiccan. I gave him a cigarette. Joe tried to go home but walked the wrong way. Then he left again, hopefully in the right direction. I told Maria I was glad she wasn't mad at me anymore. She said she was never mad at me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. We all decided to go to a near by Mexican restaurant.

On the walk I talked to the elusive guy some more. Everyone got ahead of us. Somehow we ended up talking about our recent break ups. He had got dumped a few months ago, the girl wanted an open relationship and he said no, and she said "well, I'm fucking someone else." Which was the end of that. I just proclaimed everyone should be straight forward. He agreed. We pieced another cigarette, waiting for the cops to leave the restaurant before we joined our friends inside. I got the feeling he was into me, I decided to play it out.

We went inside. I sat next to Sadie and talked. I really like her. Maria never did in the beginning but I think she is ok with her now. Sadie is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, which i think is cool. She fools around a lot with her words, sometimes harshly. I think she has adopted Maria's strategy of being bitchy so as not to get hurt. Not my style, but I respect it. Elusive guy sat at another table with one of his friends that had joined us, James. Dickaless kept calling me Antlers, which I kinda like. There was talk of getting another thirty pack, but on the way back to sevey we lost Maria and her boyfriend. Then Sadie and Dickaless fell behind.

So James and Elusive and I got a 32oz beer each and walked up to oak hill. This is a legendary park on top of a hill covered in oak trees at the edge of downtown. It was the first place I ever got drunk, back when I was sixteen, actually a week before I was seventeen but whatever. I needed a place to crash since I couldn't drive home and Elusive said I could stay with him, but he had a couch. I was down. We drank and Sadie and Dickaless joined us on the hill as well as two girls. Elusive talked to the girls but I wasn't jealous or worried he would go off with them instead of me. Which is new for me, I am usually insecure. I got up to pee or something and when I got back I realized someone had taken my beer. I was upset at first but hen realized I was really drunk and it didn't matter. Elusive suggested we get going. Turns out he was staying at a relative's house near by.

We walked arm in arm and I wasn't nervous or thinking sexy thoughts - I was just laughing and having a good time. He dropped the cigarette and I got another one out, and we would come to a complete stop to pass it, so that we didn't drop it again. We went through a fence and into the backyard. We went into a large shed. It was cold and had a light hanging from the ceiling. There was a couch and a blanket on it. I took off my jacket. It was pretty cold. I didn't feel cold but i was shivering. I quickly realized we were going to be sharing some small space, and we were going to be having sex. I'm not sure how it happened, either he asked me to or I just started stripping and so did he.

"Get in" he said.
I climbed onto the couch and laid down and he covered me with the white down blanket, climbing in on top of me. He kissed me. It was sweet smelling. I liked how he tasted, how his skin smelled. He had freckles on his shoulders. He ordered me around.
"Grab my dick." I did. It was hard and thick.
"I wanna fuck you" he said, "don't tell Maria."
"Ok, I won't tell her." (uh, why would I?)
"Don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't. I won't tell anyone." I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him already.
"69" he said and turned around.
I liked his dick. Some guys don't keep it clean enough down there, but he was clean and not too hairy. He knew what he was doing. After a while he turned around again.
"I want to kiss your pussy. I love your pussy."
"Okay" I know, I could win a literary prize.
He went down on me some more. It was pretty good but i need him to press harder, stay in one spot longer. And it didn't help matters that I was really drunk. We didn't have time to get to know each other, so I did my whole one night stand act - I exaggerate everything so they get the idea. I do more moans, more movement with my hips, pulling the hair. It works really well actually.
"Do you want me to get a condom? I have a condom."
"Yeah."
I reached over to my purse and got the condom, handed it to him.
"OH fuck. Where did it go?"
"What?"
"I dropped it. I dropped the condom." He searched around for it in the darkness. "I'm going to have to run to the store and get another one."
"Damn." I pulled the blankets up, it was getting cold. "Do you need money or something? You should hurry."
"I got it. I want you to masturbate when I'm gone. Promise me."
"Okay"
He leaned over me and kissed me. Then he started going down on me again.
"Go get the condom! I want you to fuck me."
"OK, I'll be right back." He ran out quickly.
It was cold. I decided to use the time to find my clothes, so I wouldn't have to look for them later. He had already told me that the only place to pee was out on the side of the shed. The concrete floor was cold.
"oh, hey" I said, he was back already.
"I forgot my wallet." he was kissing me again.
"oh"
and going down on me again. He kept doing that move that some guys do where they shake their heads when they are going down on you, and I never found it that appealing. I love guys that pay so much attention to the lady's pleasure though. Can't complain there.
"Oh hey, I found it!" he said, holding up the condom he had dropped earlier.
"Put it on!"
He put it on and told me to grab his dick again, and I did and then he pushed inside of me.
"ok, now get on your hands and knees."
I did, and he went from behind. My head hit against the wooden arm of the couch.
"Now turn on your back again."
"Harder." I should learn this word in every language.
"Ohh, I'm going to cum." This always happens when it is getting good.
I love the way a guy sounds before he comes, how he tenses and his breathing changes. The smell of his sweat. The way his balls move and his cock swells.
"I want to finish this way." He pulled out and took off the condom, rubbing himself.
"Grab my dick." I did.
He started cumming on my face and chest. I liked the way he moaned. I hadn't gotten a facial in a long time. We were silent for a minute and all I could hear was his breath in the cold night.
"Is there something I can wipe this up with?" I could feel his semen covering my left eye.
"Here" he handed me his boxers and I wiped myself off. He was already moving down, going down on me again.
It felt good but really I knew I wouldn't be able to cum. I had too much to drink, otherwise I'm sure I would have. I could tell he knew his way around down there.
Afterwards he came up and spooned me.
"Sorry I didn't make you cum." He sounded very apologetic.
"No worries."
"No, seriously. I wanted to make you cum. It's kinda my thing."
"Well, I've slept with ...well, now 12 guys... and only 2 have made me cum. So it's no big deal."
"Well I've slept with people two, not twelve...."
oh geez, did I really just offer up my number, my now high number?
"If I wasn't drunk I would have came."
He apologized again and I pressed against him. We smelled like each other. I went to sleep.


I woke feeling like I was going to barf. It was that dead part of night. I got up and looked for some clothes. Nothing. All I could find was my jacket so I put that on, leaving it open so my nakedness was exposed, and I walked around the side of the shed. I made myself barf to end the nausea. Then I peed for good measure. I crawled back into the couch. I was shivering like mad.


My cell phone alarm went off. The birds were chirping and the sun was just coming up. I laid there for a minute and then got up, putting on my clothes as quick as I could find them. I had mud on my dress. I laughed at the sight of it. He watched me get dressed. I buttoned up my coat and put my hat over my not matted and tangled hair. I still felt drunk. And soooo thirsty.
"Thanks for letting me crash here. How do I get back to downtown?"
"Take a right then a left."
"Cool, thanks." I left, not looking back.
The back of my heel was rubbed raw from the shoes. I stopped at sevey and got crackers, a water bottle and some bandaids. The same guy was working that had been there last night. I wonder if the recognized me. I walked to the car, drinking water and eating to try and sober up. It was so cold for morning. The sunlight felt gorgeous.
I knew if my mom didn't need the car back I wouldn't have decided to drive, I was still drunk. But not drunk enough to not return the car. I didn't want to deal with it. So I drove home, cautious and slow. Mellow. I tried to concentrate on the road.
When I got home I went through my door and quickly changed and went to give Mom the keys back.
"You have fun party girl?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, are you still drunk? You drove my car drunk."
"I'm good. I was careful." I didn't want to lie, or tell the truth. "i just need a nap. I'm really tired."
"Ok, could you help watch the kids later?"
"Yeah, sure." By which I mean no freakin' way.


I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What was stuck to the side of my face?
Oh man, that is dried semen. Hahahahaha.


When I woke up from a good three hour nap I had the spins and felt super sick and my head was pounding. Oh whiskey, why do you do this to me? I got some headache pills and water and crawled back into bed. Where I would stay. I realized I had a cut across my shin. A few actually. I know once I get naked I'll find more bruises. I usually come home with a few battle scars.
Sitting in bed I can still smell him on me. I should shower, but I like the smell.

How much is too much?

The indecisiveness was killing me. He was sleepy, laying next to me. What do I want, and what can I get?

The night had gone by quickly. Stopped by his apartment to see his cat. He put on a album he knew I would like in the car, we made curry but I didn't make it strong enough. He pulled me onto the bed. He asked me what I wanted.

I had put my ideas out there, taking every bit of courage I could summon to just ask for something that I liked to do. It was so humiliating to have to put my sexual ideas into words and leave them out in the open air, hanging there like underthings on the line.
I rubbed my fingers across the tip of his penis. "What cha thinkin'?"
"Uhhh...Well, I'd be down for the wrestling thing you were talking about, or anything else really. It is up to you. To tell the truth my thoughts are kinda wandering because your hand...my thoughts go in and out."

What to do. 69 would be nice because he wouldn't be looking at me so it might be easier to have an O, but then again I would be distracted by trying to get him off. The wresting and rougher sex is what I really wanted. But I could barley say it out loud, how was I going to do it with him? I just am not that comfortable with it. The whole act is playful and forceful and sexy all at once - but it requires openness, trust. I'm just not there.

"I'm kind of sleepy, so the more you wait the more sleepy I get." He said this with his eyes closed.
The wrestling thing is kind of like a special treat for me. I want him to be excited about it. He seems more mildly intrigued. I tell him he is too sleepy, regular sex it is. I get on top with a condom.
"Um, I've never actually put one on a guy before..." oh the embarrassment.
"Really?" He seems very surprised.
"Yeah..." I feel so stupid.
He shows me quickly and I do it. We start with me on top. I like being on top but sometimes it is hard to get the right angle. If it is hitting right i love to be on top, if I can't get the right angle it doesn't do much for me - plus it brings out my shy side because I feel like the center of attention. I close my eyes sometimes to feel more comfortable. We switch to me on bottom. This is quickly becoming my favorite with him. He leans on one arm and sometimes grabs something so he can go harder or faster. I tuck my legs in towards my chest, better angle. Angles. Who knew geometry could be so fun. He mostly hits good spots but then he hits that great spot and I pull him closer, my nails dragging across his back. He pulls my hair, yanking my head to the side. He is going harder and faster, breathing onto my neck and into my ear. I am pulling him closer, into me. My neck hurts. Yet this is so freaking hot. When he finishes I can feel his dick throbbing. We just lay there for a few seconds. I want to express how sexy and amazing that was. Everything with him is new to me. Hopefully I am not boring the hell out of him.
I just say stupidly "That was really hot." Ugghh.
We cleaned up and then he laid on his back and I rested my head on his chest. I could tell him every time I am close to him how much I like his smell. He is already drifting to sleep. He is talking about work outs he is doing that will make him climb mountains even better. I run my hands across his body; I like it now, and I'll like it when he is more muscular. Either way he is handsome.


It's hard because I was awake and I just laid there, wanting more. It was great sex but...ya know? And I was worried. He was so sleepy and happy, he just seemed so content. Like this was perfect for him - food, talking, sex, sleep. Done. Satisfied. And I'm not.
Sometimes when people talk I just want to have sex with them. I just play along and smile and have little responses but really I am imagining having sex with them, looking at all their parts. Imagining all the things we could do with each other, to each other, in each other. Scott is interesting and I actually like to talk to him. He wisely sits across the room, not knowing that this helps contain my thoughts. When he is close I just smell him and want to touch him, kiss him, rip off his clothes.... But I went to sleep like a good girlfriend, just turning over and letting him spoon me.


I went back to a few days ago, when Scott and I were sleeping in and we laid around for a while and then he started talking about food and doing something with his day. You ever wish you could have another chance, go back in time and do something differently? I got that this morning. So a few days I screwed up and it was a horrible morning for me, but this time I spoke up.

He was talking about this and that and I was letting my hands roam and just thinking, damn I want to have sex right now. He just kept talking. Then I realized something - it isn't that he doesn't want me, it is that he is still satisfied with what we did the night before. So I say something like "I like sitting here talking in bed, but there are a million better things we could be doing while naked and in bed".
Which just made him laugh. He said I was mildly entertaining. Geez. So I looked at the time. Ten to 11. He was ready t get up and dressed.
"Just ten more minutes." I said, wrapping my legs around him.
"What you want is going to turn into more than ten minutes."
"Ten minutes, a quickie I swear!"
His face kind of changed, maybe he thought I wasn't serious and finally got it. So he told me to grab a condom. It was ridiculous, I was practically giddy.
The quickie was not a quickie. But that was not my fault. It was weird. It felt like we were both having fun but he said it was hard for him to cum with just plain sex sometimes. I'm not sure what he meant by that or if that's the truth and I want to talk about it more but I don't really know how to bring it up. But anyways he decides to speed the end for himself and whips it out and masturbates at the end. Still the whole thing takes a little over twenty minutes.
When we were done I decided to be frank.
"I have a very high sex drive. I have a feeling I'll be wanting more sex than you."
"I have that feeling too." He paused, "We'll manage."
"Pretty much I'll be down whenever. I'll always choose sex over everything else, like food and sleep. I'll always fit it into my day, even if I have to run around like crazy the rest of the day. I'll always choose sex."
"We'll manage."
"Sorry." I just feel like such an imposition sometimes. Here I face such a "guy's problem" - I don't want him to feel like just my sex toy. I really like him. I just also like sex.
Smiling, he said "Oh how hard my life is."
"I know, it is just so hard being you." I paused and looked down at his flaccid penis, "Or not very hard at all."
"Ooooh! Burn."

I really am worried about it, even though he kind of laughed it off. I'm worried that I'll feel unsatisfied or he will feel overwhelmed by me. Or both. I just really want things to work out with him. I know we haven't been dating long but he is just so everything I want in a guy. If we could just get the bedroom figured out - it's fun but we haven't had super hot passionate sex yet, and he hasn't given me an O. I just can't keep asking for more. I want him to like me. What should I ask him for, How much should I ask him for? How much is too much?

Another Date with Scott

Last night Scott picked me up from work and we went to a cafe downtown and had some tea and a rummy re-match. Luck was not on my side; he beat me by over 100 points. He almost kept the napkin we wrote scores on. But it was nice because we got to talk and we were in public and I wasn't feeling like I-might-die-nervous. It's funny because he has seen me naked and everything but I still get nervous around him.
Anyways, we decided to do a music exchange so we went by his apartment to pick up his external hard drive thing. His house was messy and the walls were covered in Disney posters - his roommate's doing. I didn't meet her though. I met his cat which is cute, looks ruffed up a bit. His living room is messy with a couch and a bed-like thing that is covered in junk, next to some shelves of alcohol. His room is kind of bare except for maps of cool hikes he did and a dagger he got form Russia. We looked at his bookshelf for a while, which had all these philosophy books I've never heard of; that was his major in college. Then he told me a funny bible story about Samson or Simpson...something like that. But anyways we left.
It was kind of surprising because when we got to my house we actually talked for a long while and it wasn't that talking where he is talking and I just want to have sex and am nodding. I actually talked and wanted to talk. Then we check out the music and exchanged it. I got some cool new stuff from him - it surprised me some of the stuff that he had. He had The Shins, Cake, Third Eye Blind, Saving Ferris, Cat Stevens and some pop stars. I made some spaghetti, but I felt bad because it was just in tomato sauce with no nothing. He kept asking me if I was hungry because he had picked me up from work so obviously I hadn't had dinner yet, but truthfully I wasn't hungry. Ever since I started seeing him I have been hardly eating. I'm not trying to starve myself but it is like I am just not hungry.

Then we sat on my bed and he stretched out and looked very handsome laying on his side with his hand behind his head and I just sat cross legged talking to him and trying to decide if it would be okay to kiss him. We were talking about man-ly sports and then we paused and I realized he was just waiting for me to kiss him so I leaned in quick and kissed him softly, pulling him towards me. He is kinda intoxicating. I love the smell of him and i love that I love the smell of him because it is so honest; like you can't fake or be fooled into liking someone's smell.
He rolled on top of me and we kissed and I had my arms around him. I like feeling his arms and his shoulders, they just feel so strong and broad against me. We sat up and I took off my top shirt. Underneath I had a pink tank top with hearts on it, which is tight on my chest. We kissed with me on his lap facing him, his legs off the side of my bed. I kept running my hands across his chest and back and then he took his grey shirt off and pressed against me. I stood up to take of my pants, partly so he could see I picked panties that matched my shirt. But the shirt didn't last long. He was reaching around and grabbing my tush and off came the bra too. Then he did a ultra sexy thing where he stood up, holding me to him and laid me down so he was on top of me. Off with his pants. Off with my panties.
I could just sit here and ramble about how sexy he is, but I don't want to bore you. His hair is short but long enough for me to run my hands through and he has a little bit of hair on his chest and then below his navel. Last time I called the shots so it was his turn to direct things. He brought me on top of him, sitting up like we were when we were kissing. Normally I would have my shins resting on the bed but he had me wrap my legs around him. In some ways it was harder to do because I couldn't really use my legs but it also stimulated a completely different spot. It felt so intimate and romantic with him holding me and we could kiss and it was lovely. Then he picked me up and rolled over so I was on my back and he was on top of me, with my legs still wrapped around him. I grabbed him and pulled him against me.
The sex was great not because he hit that spot or did this move, but it just felt so intimate and like we were feeling the same thing. Though what he did felt good too. He finished in that position and I reached up and hugged him tight, which I felt silly for doing afterwards but it was just my natural reaction. He laid next to me and we both just looked at each other, smiling and breathing.
It was cold so we got under the blankets after a while. Then I got the giggles. Like I seriously could not stop laughing. I can't even remember what started it. I tried to take a big breath and breathe out but it just made me laugh more. and I was kind of embaressed. When I stopped laughing I said something like "well, I don't want to sound dirty" and he was like "we just had sex, it's ok if you sound dirty." But it is hard to explain that I can have sex with him but still not feel comfortable with him yet - for example, I sometimes like to talk dirty during sex but I am just too shy to do it with Scott yet. Who knows what he would think of me? I'm also kind of feeling like that is going to make the whole O thing much harder for me. I just can't do it with someone watching me unless I feel super comfortable with them.
We were both sleepy, him more than me. He realized he had an early shift int he morning so he kind of drifted to sleep while I ran my hands up and down his chest, his abs, his arms. He laid behind me and held me to him as we went to sleep. In the morning I woke up first and tried to sneak out of bed to go to the bathroom but when I came back he was awake. He had to make a dash for my bathroom because my house is like this: I have a studio type room with a kitchenette in it, and the laundry room connects my room to the bigger house that my family lives in. The laundry room has the bathroom in it. So my mom and the kids were up and running around screaming. He slipped out naked but came back in a towel to be safe.
We were laying in bed and he was being sleepy again but I was awake and running my hands over him, my hands that never rest. My mom knocked on the door.
"SKY! You awake? I never you to babysit in 20 minutes! OK?!"
"OK!" I yelled back.
Scott laughed a little with me. "So she has no idea I sleep over, does she?"
"No, not at all. The other day I told her your apartment is really cold and she said you can come sleep on our couch."
He laughed, "well, to be honest I don't think I'm going to take her up on that offer."
My mom also said something the other day to my sister, she said something like "Sky doesn't think I know that she is up ALL NIGHT talking to her new boyfriend."
I just find this ridiculously funny.

It's odd. I won't see Scott until Wednesday night, which seems like forever. But since he comes at night and stays over I technically don't go a day without seeing him. But we don't really talk in between so I miss him. Oh how silly I feel sometimes. The whole dating-like/love thing is so risky - you never know how the other person really feels about you, what will make them like you more or less, which is ok to tell them or to do with them and what will put them off of you. How far is too far, how close is too close? The more I like him the more worried I am that I'll get my heart broken. But he seems so nice, I can't imagine him breaking my heart. Ho hum.

Bed Head

My hair is all messed up, mostly out of the pony tail I went to bed with. But I feel lovely. I haven't got out of bed, I am just laying here wishing it was much later, say, after work.

So Scott came over after his work last night, which put him here some time after midnight. I tried to nap a little before he got here but I failed. It was nice having him over again. Half of me wanted to talk and half of me wanted to jump his bone right away. But he laid on the bed with me fully clothed and we talked about our day and how tired we were. I ran my fingers over his hands while we talked. His palms have all these lines and his hands are rough without being coarse. I like his shoulders and arms and the little patch of hair on his chest.

Last night/this morning was we had sex for the first time. My period was close enough to being over that I just said what the heck (now I have to wash my sheet though). It was also really interesting because he is unlike all the other guys I have been with. He puts a lot of time into good fore play, and he is really into kissing during sex. Well, I should back up.

When he took off my underwear he just stared at my lady parts. I felt more naked than naked. We had a vagina monologue moment and he was like "you have a beautiful vagina". He gives me compliments all the time and I really don't know what to say back. I should compliment him more but I just don't like to say everything with words. Compliments make me feel exposed. But anyways then he started fingering me and immediately went to my G spot. Which surprised the heck out of me. No guy has ever found it before, and heck it took me a while to find it. And also every guy who has ever tried fingering me was just horrible at it, and I figured no guys could do it right. But the problem with the G spot is it makes you feel like you have to pee so I had him stop that.

So we talked about sexual experience. He has only been with one girl. ONE GIRL. like oh gee g geez. I really hope he isn't still hung up on her. He doesn't act like it but I don't know. I actually laughed when he told me, like holy shit. And even crazier he didn't seem at all phased that my number was so much higher than his.

So I told him my number (with him, 11) and admitted that I figured he had less partners then me but I had wrongly assumed he would not be showing me anything new. But it was like everything he did was new. The way he thinks about sex is new. He just seems more into the moment and isn't rushing to orgasm. He actually said he doesn't "hit it and quit it". It feels like even though I have had more partners he has more sexual experience. Which is going to be fun. We also talked about what we're into, and man I felt vanilla. He included spanking, the lady wearing a strap on and a vibrating butt plug. Spanking ok, but I don't think I would want to do the strap on thing. I prefer the parts I actually have. Like the only thing you can do is shove it in his butt and I just don't think I'm down. Butt plug seems really weird too. I don't like anal sex, which he said can be good if he's in the right mood, but I like pressure on the outside. So maybe I'd try it but I think he can keep that toy to himself.
But we both seemed to think vanilla sex, rough sex and bondage are fun. And I mentioned wrestling. It has always been one of my favorite things to do; I just like feeling a man's strength and feeling him hard against me. And it requires some skill to pin a lady down and get it in while she is trying to pin you down and just torture you.

The closest I've come to having an orgasm during sex is masturbating and then having a dude stick it in right as I'm cumming. But it just felt like being interrupted while masturbating. But that was in high school, and since then I have explored by myself. Vibrators are useful for that. And I have had the big O from just a vibrator with no outside stimulation so I am thinking I can have it from just sex too. I think Scott might be the one to figure it out. But either way he said he likes to give oral, which is bomb. I haven't had a guy make me cum since 2005. Pretty much five years ago.

I'm a little worried that I'll bore him in bed since I am not into like butt plugs or whatever. He seems to really like me though, and I really like him. He fell asleep some time after five and I curled up with him and we woke to his alarm at like eight. So hard to wake up, but not hard to get him hard. Such a nice way to wake up but we are both so tired. Yet I can't sleep. I want him to think about me all day. He said he hoped I wouldn't get sick of him, which is funny because I was hoping he wouldn't get sick of me . I swear he can read my mind sometimes. He is picking me up from work tonight.
"and maybe we can do something out of the bedroom" he said.
"Out of the bedroom?" I teased.
I really like to actually hang out with him, it's just that we are in this new exciting part and I just can't help myself - my hands are always roaming across his body and feeling all of it. I have no idea what we'll do tonight though. He also mentioned we can go to his place, but he has a gal roommate. And I'm thinking if we come straight here from my work he can actually meet my family (but I didn't say that). I mean it wouldn't be on the top of my list but I do live with them. I asked if he was my boyfriend now and he said yes. Kind of awkward question to ask someone while you are naked and they are leaving. I already updated my Facebook, *yay*.
I have a feeling this is going to be serious and that scares me a little. But my head is filled with him and that makes me not afraid, it makes me just really happy. and hopeful.

First Date with Scott (a very long date)

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My Sexual History

Since I am taking my sweet time typing up my Europe Journal and nothing interesting is going on I figured I would give like a little summary of my sexual history as of right now.

Less than Sex: My first boyfriend I was a little afraid of and couldn't talk to and we 'dated' for a week. To get back at me for dumping him he asked my friends to help him cross dress at school. Of course there was stupid spin the bottle kisses. There was this bi girl named Kristina who played Vampire with me and I think we kissed but it was part of the role playing game. I know she bit me a lot. In Madrid at the end of this pub crawl two guys in a row tried to take me back to the makeout corner and I kissed them each for like a second and then walked out because I didn't like them, I only kissed them cuz I was drinking a bit.

Warning: I sound kinda judgey about the guy's sexual performance, but that's because numbers 3 - 10 were one night stands and most one night stands just suck.

Sex:
1. Drew - first real boyfriend, dated for over 2 years. "Ended" when he confessed he was a man whore and was sleeping with well over 20 other girls. I couldn't say no though and I secretly continued dating him for like 5 more months, but making it clear that I was weening myself from him. I dumped him twice.

2. Westly - Dated for a year. He was a freshmen, I was a young senior (High School). I wanted something fun but then really liked him. He ended up being a douche. He broke up with me for no reason. And his sex drive was like once a week and I am more like twice a day.

3. Dana - I went to Santa Cruz, my friends and I randomly found this party and I drank 8 cups of beer in an hour. This guy told me his name and I told him he had a girl's name. I was mostly blacked out at this point. Spent like 5 minutes in the bathroom with him and then 5 minutes in someone's side yard cuz we got kicked out of the bathroom. I think I slept with him to prove I could since it had been such a long dry spell.

4. London Joe - Guy from London. Very polite. I wanted to sleep with at least one foreign guy and this one bought me beer.

5. Argentina Man - I was feeling crappy about sleeping with Joe when way hot Argentina Man came onto me. Uh...I make no sense.

6. Young Guy in Germany - went on a pub crawl, drank a lot, this young guy was giving me drinks and being all nice and somehow I went back to his hostel with him.

7. and 8. Turkish Guys - I was walking to my hostel, drunk, from #6's hostel and these guys cat called me. Offered me free weed. I was like heck yes and they were really surprised. We had a threesome in front of a church. The second guy didn't get his penis in me but I still think he counts as sex.

9. Rob aka Amsterdam Asshole - I spent a weekend in Amsterdam not eating, only having beer and 'space cakes'. Rob and I did it twice and then I found out he was married with a kid. He wasn't cute or good in bed either (I thought the first time was bad because we were so wasted and in a tiny shower). '

10. Lesson Exchanging Dick - He came over to exchange a guitar lesson for a piano lesson, and he smelled good and had nice hands. Lasted 3 minutes. Oh well.



A round number 10. It's kind of crazy, with many one night stands - I'm very sexual and sometimes insecure, so adding alcohol just makes me want to sleep with the nearest guy. I've never orgasmed from just sex, and only the guys I dated (1 and 2) ever made me orgasm (yay for oral). And that's all she wrote.

Hot Tubs (and why they suck)

My mom loves water and is always cold; so she adores hot tubs.

But they suck. They are usually so hot I have to pop in and out, and the air is freezing so that sucks. But more importantly most people think it would be fun to have sex in one. It's hot and all the jets...right? no. Ladies know water just takes away any natural lubrication and shoves bacteria up where no one wants it. I've done it and the noise also blocks you from hearing people walking out to the patio, fyi.

So my mom got a new hot tub and got me in it for about 10 minutes. The next morning I took a shower. And then started the pain and torture of my bad luck. I started breaking out but not just normal breakout - big red sores on my thighs, back, tummy and chest. Then on my arm pits and bikini line. My nipples started to get these sores on them and my breasts hurt so bad I am wearing a normal bra with a sports bra over it. All my siblings and my mom have the sores too and my mom's ear was killing her so she went to the doctor - she got one of the sores in her ear canal. This is what we have (from wikipedia):

Hot Tub Folliculitis (also known as "Pseudomonas aeruginosa folliculitis") is a common type of folliculitis, a condition which causes inflammation of the hair follicle.[1]:272
This condition is caused by an infection of hair follicles due to the bacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa. The bacteria is commonly found in hot tubs, water slides, and such places. Hot tub folliculitis appears on the skin in the form of a rash, roughly resembling chicken pox and then developing further to appear as a pimple. Hot tub follicultis is extremely itchy, and left alone without scratching will go away much more quickly. If the rash is aggravated, it can stay, worsen, and spread lasting for months. By that point it is much more difficult to treat. The dots usually go away after about 7 to 10 days, but the condition leaves a hyperpigmented lesion that goes away after a few months.

The doctor told my mom hot showers and shaving razors can spread it. ugh. a vinegar compress is the only thing they really recommend at this stage, if it gets worse they give you antibiotics.

And Richard has called me 3 times. I only answered once (the other times I wasn't around to answer). He called me in the middle of night to 'hang out'. I declined, told him to give me a call some other time. If he calls back anytime soon I'll have to pass again - how can I let anyone see me naked with all these sores? It looks like I have chicken pox or something! Plus guys always want to mess with the boobs and they hurt too much for that right now. I guess I am on someone's booty call list though.

Lesson Exchanging Dick

So I was wishing for something to happen, wishing for a boyfriend or a lover or a one way ticket out of here. I am always working towards something but never getting there. So I go to sleep with this wish and I wake up to the phone ringing. His name is Dick. Who the fuck?

So I answer and it is this guy mumbling about a lesson exchange that I advertised like a month ago on craigslist, piano for guitar. He doesn't really know what to say and searches for words. He wants to come over. I tell him to give me 20 minutes. He comes over. I open the door and he is leaning against my railing with a blue acoustic guitar in hand. He is tall. Not really handsome but cute. I am immediately flustered and kind of ramble. I eventually give him a piano lesson, which he picks up really quickly. I like his big hands. When I lean in to correct him he smells nice. I like that he gets music. We sit down to play guitar. I am flustered and I don't get the strumming. He plays margaritaville for me, which I like because he sings well and guys playing instruments are hot. He looks over,
"You don't know this song, do you?"
"No..."
So we look on my computer and he looks at my itunes. He turns on free wheelin' Bob Dylan. He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I say no, no boyfriend. He asks me, "what would you do if I kissed you right now?"
"um....hope you don't get my cold?"
"What if I don't care?"
He leans over and kisses me. We are on my new bed which has way too many pillows. We are making out and he is on top of me. It kind of occurs to me I should stop him at some point but I don't really want to stop and there seems no right moment for it. So he asks me to take off my shirt and I do, and then he takes off my bra and soon we are both naked and I pull out a condom and he is on top of me. But my glasses have come off, and I realize I have never had sex without contacts or glasses (maybe I did at some point with my ex Drew when he was spending the night, but I knew what he looked like by heart). So I don't get the greatest view of this guy. But he is pale and average sized body (other than being tall and the hands). I'm not sure how big his penis is because I didn't even touch it with my hands, but it was hard to feel at first when we started having sex so that isn't the greatest sign. The whole time he was looking straight into my eyes and I couldn't take it, I couldn't hold his gaze. It mad me feel, like, more naked. But he asks me to get on top and I do and after (I swear) 3 minutes it is over. We both just put on our clothes, he had purple boxers, and as we are doing so he gets a phone call and has to leave for band practice. He says bye and tells me to call him sometime.
I couldn't believe it. I was happy because I was tired of that Amsterdam jerk being the last guy I slept with and I wanted to break in the new bed, and I wanted to meet a guy but I was too nervous and insecure about my weight. And here it just landed in my lap!
So I texted my sister Air and told her my guitar teacher kissed me (yeah, so I left out a few things...) and I told Juliette the truth. But I am not sure what he wanted. A one time thing? I was so shocked and happy I was in a daze. But of course the next day I avoided my phone to miss the urge to text him. I hate not knowing how things stand. I wish guys would just say "yeah, let's do that again sometime" or "well, nice meeting you don't call me".
So I flip a coin about 10 times to see if I should call him today. Every time it said no - can you believe that! But I text him anyways, saying he left his guitar picks. He texts me back with - no joke - "who dis?" and then I say "Sky, the chick you got a piano lesson from" and he says "ok" and that is IT. THE FUCKIN END.
I've been telling myself I shouldn't expect much because I slept with him right away, probably thinks I am a slut but he is a slut too why does it matter? At least we could be fuck buddys, we didn't have a real conversation so I don't think I would be hanging out with him. But I just got my hopes up. I thought it would be more than a one time thing. I don't even know why it matters because it wasn't that good of sex and he wasn't that hot. the one thing i did like about him was he had very nice cologne. So now I wish I didn't tell anyone (but at the time I was bursting to tell someone, I can't even keep my own secrets). I hate how guys are never straight forward. He already had sex with me, he at least could tell the truth!

The Fucking End of lesson exchanging Dick.