You Make Me Nervous

SO the weekend approaches.

I am having this "shin dig" which is code for low key party. But I am so freaked out by it. I am very nervous no one will show up, except like 2 people who will come super late and then all the booze will be horrible and undrinkable except I'll drink it and make an ass of myself and the music will make everyone scoff at me and all my clothes will be lost and I will have to wear something horrid and then their heads will explode and MY CARPET WILL BE RUINED BY THE BLOOD.

So I'm feeling anxious about that.

Andon said he is coming, but I actually haven't talked to him since this time last week. Which seemed like a long time until I wrote it just now. I hate being hung up on someone. I could be spending these weeks thinking about him and then nothing may ever happen. That just seems foolish. I don't even know what I want anyways - I want to keep jamming with him, and I would like to have sex with him. But date? I don't want to date anyone right now. Maybe like friends with benefits but I don't even know if he'd be down for that. He said he would be single again in January, but it would be rude of me to ask about a specific date I think. But I'm nervous he will come to the party and one or both of the following will happen: he won't have a good time at my party/with my friends and or I will get drunk and he will find out I like him, most likely the hard way.

Hella nervous.

I talked to my cousin Alyssa today. She is a bit uptight. I was telling her how I like being single but I was at loss to tell her why. I really wanted to say "I just like fucking anyone who asks me to". But I think that would ruin any good thoughts she has about me. I read her diary once and she said I act like a know it all and I come from white trash. And she thinks my sister is an idiot. All of which may be true, though I hope I don't act like that now, but the fact she looked down on us for these character flaws hurt me. But anyways I was telling her I wanted to have adventures and not settle down for a while.
"That makes sense, you just want to have a memorable and meaningful life"
"Actually I don't care if it's meaningful. I just want to have fun."
"Uh...well, ok."
Best part of the conversation?
"I don't even know anyone my age who is having kids, I feel so old getting married!"
"Really? My friend had a baby senior year of High School. At least ten of my friends have kids and only two of those are married."
"OMG. What are they doing?"
"Each other obviously."

Thanksgiving

So the holidays are upon us.

Thanksgiving creeped up on me. Usually we have it at my grandma's house. But this has been a tough year for grandma so we had it at our house. Which was stupid.

Everyone keeps coming back to grandma's like it is a magnet and they can't fight the pull. My mom's house is the opposite; it repels the whole family. Everyone got there 15 minutes before dinner was served and left immediatly after it was over.

Here is how the family breaks down on my mother's side:
Grandma had six kids: Uncle Fred is a single alcoholic (newly in AA) who likes any girl who will do him, sports, and gambling. No kids.

Uncle Ken moved to Idaho with his wife Babe, no kids. But they have a weird dog.

Uncle Lee is exiled; grandma has removed him. But he lives a block away and has a son who is my sister's age
.
Aunt Billie is a single mom with two kids, Crissy is my age and Ed is 12.

My mom has 3 biological children (Air, Me, Dean) and 2 adopted children (Gaggin and Neal) and then foster children. and my poor father.

Uncle Ted has 3 kids but never had custody of the two boys; he raised Be, she is two years younger than me. He has a girlfriend with two teenagers that are model children.



So we don't have T.V. at my house and my mom isn't turning on the radio for the game so that Fred can sit there worrying about his bets. He went into my room and used the computer to watch the game. He brought his girlfriend, who we have never heard of before and probably never will again. Next comes Ted and his girlfriend who is part of the family; she sits on the couch and smiles politley while the kids run around screaming. Ted cuts the Turkey while my mom says over and over "I can't do this by myself!". My dad is wresting the 3 foster girls into chairs. They hired my cousin Crissy to watch the boys and she is sitting at the kid table: she looks miserable. My mom spends the whole meal serving the kids. It is Gaggin's birthday so we put some candles in the pie and he eats in like five minutes so he can get the pie over with and have his presents. It is all he talks about. He is 4 now. He opens his gifts with no one watching except my mom. Mu uncle Ted does his classic manuever - he got my mom to buy his gift for Gaggin, he has no idea what he got him. He never buys gifts himself. We all pick names of adults out of the hat to see who we are buying gifts for this year - I got Ken's wife Babe. Could have been worse. Everyone starts leaving before the pie is even served, which is half way through dinner. Be shows up about that time, late, and my mom mumbles about how Be is so on drugs. We went to the midnight sales at the mall later and Be was halfway through a chocolate fudge cake, haha, munchies.

After dinner I flee to my room and look at old pictures of the family. I feel like they are all dead. I have a new family and they are not the one I grew up with. When I was young Ted never dated, I didn't even know Lee existed, Fred was married and smelled like a bar room floor, I had no younger siblings, we all lived in the same town...what happened?

My boss called and offered me more hours at work. At least I will have a chance at paying off some of my debt this year. I have a plan though.

My plan is to focus on work and composing my music and working out, and by January I should have most of my debt paid off and some weight gone and then I am going to find a fuck buddy. That is my plan. Nothing exciting will be happening for a while (I think) so I am going to back track and type up some older stuff. Until we meet again.

My Birthday Weekend

So most of my friends have dropped from the scene. John comes on and off my radar, and Maria is kinda ignoring me kinda not, and Juliette is in Santa Cruz, and the rest have either died untimely deaths or were never really that close. So I have no one to party with on my birthday.

My birthdays have a bad habit of ending up horrible and I cry. But last year was great. Last year was my 21st birthday and I drank whiskey and orange juice and barfed everywhere and the people who loved me put me to bed happy, because tons of people had come to my party. Mostly because Maria invited them. My cousins came from Cupertino though, which was nice of them. Even Crissy came; I think it is the only party she has ever been to. I only have one picture of me in the hot tub just grinning like an idiot. No idea who took it.

But anyways, this year my birthday came again. I'm a Scorpio. Solitary and lonely is my curse. I posted this sad thing of facebook like what the crap am I doing for my birthday and my cousin Jenny invited me to her place in San Francisco. Heck yeah. So I took the long bus ride to her place. When I was the last one on the bus the driver asked me where I was going.
"Folsom and 8th" I said.
"Ok baby, we're going to take a short cut, don't tell anyone. what you doin' in the city?"
"It's my birthday."
"ooo giirrrrrlll, watch out! I'm not kidding man, watch your drink. I know a man should be able to buy girl but youse got your own money to let him buy you no drink. If you are on a date go ahead but no stranger, they going to slip you roofies or somethin'. girrrl, watch yourself. The city can be a dangerous place!"
The whole time this guy is going on all these crazy side streets drivin this fat bus. I was just like "uh-huh, thanks mister" and he dropped me off.
There wasn't really anything to do but wait for my cousin. I got dropped in front of some leather daddy store - the door to the store was metal and you actually had to press a button to get buzzed in. I walked down the street but it was all closed clubs and bars, or gay leather stores. Finally Jenny came. Jenny is actually closer to my Dad's age than mine, but she is really rad. She is in a band that is actually good and has played with other good bands and she owns a dog walking/boarding business. She picked me up in this big smelly van, she looks so much like my aunts.
"Let's make one quick stop, I need some gloves for my Halloween costume" she said.
So we went into the leather store but there were no gloves small enough for her hands - she wanted like biker cops, she was going to be a sexy police lady. So we went to another leather store that had a lady section of latex outfits. It was freaky. I can't imagine wearing all latex.
"These stores are...interesting" I said, looking at a giant suction cup dildo.
"When you get my age you will want something to add a little excitement" she said, thumbing through leather props.
"I'm sorry, we are out of that size glove." said the store clerk.
"How about billy clubs?"
"Sold out too, but we have some other types of clubs and we have whips" the clerk pointed to a wall of whips, paddles, clubs and other things. I looked in the corner at a chair with all sorts of pokey metal and leather instruments around it. hmmmm.
"Hmm," Jenny took down a bumpy club thing and then put it back. "nah, thank you though." and we went out.
"So what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't know," I said "Whatever."

So we went back to her place. It was this little space between two normal buildings and there was a door, and when she unlocked that door it was like we were still in that little alley and you could see a small backyard that was grassy. Then we went into her apartment. It was small and when you came in you were in a tiny kitchen, to the left was a tiny living room and a bathroom and a normal sized bedroom. The walls were absolutely covered in art, band and concert posters, all sorts of stuff. She had mastered the art of living in a tiny space. It didn't feel cramped but there were lots of shelves and cupboards, and little see through colored curtains and colored glass hanging by the windows. She had a weed vaporizer in her bedroom and we smoked a little before we left. It made me feel stupid and all inside myself so I couldn't talk.
We sat around for a bit and then made our way out to a tapas bar on Mission. It was crowded and it looked like we wouldn't be getting a seat. So we started to leave and we ran into one of her friends, this dude I'll call Jeremy (I can't remember his name). Jeremy was like no no, we can totally get into to the tapas place and sure enough he got us in; he knew the bar tender or something. The food was bomb. We ate and chatted at the bar and after two or three rounds we left, Jenny was paying for me and I think Jeremy was paying for Jenny so he paid everything. Then we were supposed to go to a live music thing but instead we went to his house. We walked there, it wasn't too far and the night was really pleasant. His apartment was up all these stairs. His apartment was painted so cool. Even the roof was painted. It was all aztec themed. One of the bedroom roofs had a big sun on this rich blue sky and the rays of the sun were all squiggly and had little mirrors glued on them so it really shined. There was some girl in there too, I think it was a room mate. Jenny and Jeremy smoked more weed but I didn't want to. We went to three or four bars and briefly peeked in at a music place but it was too crowded.
One of the bars had this great outside patio, we got a pitcher of beer and drank under the stars. There was an overpass that went right to the side but it was raised so you could see under it and I thought this was strange. All through the night little funny things would come out. The only thing Jenny and I really had in common was family, we had never hung out before. So we talked about family but she grew up on the east coast with her mom, not her father who was my uncle Ron. She grew up near my aunt though. She let is slip my uncle Kral was using his antique shop as a front for cocaine back in the day, and our cousin Justin had got hooked very young. But we talked about other things too, like music. Most of the night was this happy haze for me.
We went back to Jenny's car eventually and she drove, which I was nervous about but she did it perfectly. I slept on her couch and felt drowned by dog hair. But it was ok, because I felt loved. After we woke up we went to the park to walk her dogs and we met some other dog walkers - this one guy wanted to be called crazy bill or something like that. Some other walkers recommended a place to eat so we went there afterwards. It was not normally a place I would go, or something I would try, but try it I did and it was fantastic.
Then Jenny drove me home for my family birthday party. We had it at my house because Grandma is still sick and I made the cake myself when I got home. On the way home Jenny kept talking but I hate talking in the car; I like looking out the window.
"Sorry we didn't see any live music last night like I said we would."
"That's fine, I had fun." I said.
"Well that's good. Jeremy just smoked me into submission..." she mumbled something and then we were both silent.

"You know that stuff I said last night, about Justine and that girl? You shouldn't repeat it and the stuff I said..."
"Whata re you talking about?" I said.
"Oh, you don't remember?" She said, her eyes opened wide, "Ok then, that's good!" she kind of sank her seat, relieved. I wondered what she had told me that I obviously don't remember. Family secrets lost in a drink.
Jenny smoked more pot before we got there so she could mellow out, I think she was nervous about talking to the family. She had grown up so far away from her father's side of the family so I think she feels like an outsider looking in sometimes. But heck, I grew up here and I feel the same sometimes. But the cake was nice and everyone gave me such great presents - like ones that were not very my style, but were so typical of them it made me love them more. Like Aunty Air gave me a blank birthday card with a post it inside of it saying I should sell my own cards to make money. That was her present - and the card, she said she didn't write in it so I could use it again. So her. Be and Uncle Ted got me a nice purse though, with a scented pencil and a car shaped nail clipper inside. Oh my family. My mom also gave me a picture of some chairs she wanted to get me from Target (but never did).

Now I'm 22.

Conversations

My mom is in the kitchen, and I am on the couch in the living room, in the new house there is no wall separating the two rooms so we watch each other.

"I do all this cleaning and your father never says a word."

"He cleans too mom."

"When? He does a load of laundry here and there."

"He does the dishes. I hear him at night when he goes to work."

"I hear you at night too missy; cooking dinner at 10 at night!"

"If I had a stove or fridge in my studio I would cook in there."

"Have you been looking on-line for one?"

"I don't have any money, I am in debt, remember?Lots of debt."

"You know, I hear you can make a bit of money showing your boobs on the Internet."

"WHAT? You want me to whore myself out?"

"Well, I'm just saying, do a little modeling...of your breasts."

This is how all conversations go in my house.