Davis, CA

So these last few weeks have been crazy. I promise when things settle down I'll put the stuff from my real journal onto here.

On August 31st, 2010 I became a girl who lives with her boyfriend.

!

So now I live in Davis with Andon and we are happy. haha. Actually we are stressed as all heck. We are both looking for jobs and not finding any. We got a great roommate named Rick. He plays in a band, works the night shift at a mental hospital, and smokes pot. So that's exciting.

We've got everything moved in and just a few boxes left to unpack. I'm going to night school in the hopes of getting a better job.

The sex has been pretty infrequent. I don't want to say "drying up" though. The problem is I was having some unusual bleeding after every sex session, but I'm on depo so I thought oh maybe it's spotting or something. Then it seemed like I started my period but it was kind of light. And I've been on my period for over two weeks now. We still have sex, don't get me wrong, but no more going down on me which means no orgasms for Sky.

I tried bringing up toys or us both masturbating together because he seems upset about the idea of me going solo. But he did not really take it well. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to orgasm during sex and he can't do it with his fingers so do I just not get any?

We are also stressed and running around like crazy doing little errands and we just don't have enough spare time to have sex. When we finally get home at night, around 10pm, we cuddle and talk for a few minutes and then one of us is horny and the other passes out. Who is horny and who is sleepy kind of switches.

Yesterday we got in a fight about nothing. I wanted to cuddle but he didn't want to. So I got sad. When I came back from the bathroom he is horny and wants to have sex. I'm all for it but I need time to switch from sad to horny mode. He realizes I haven't switched yet, gets upset, and pulls away. I start crying, he leaves the room. I decide not to wait for him to come back for hours like last time and I run out to the kitchen and ask acusingly, "Why do you always leave when I cry?" He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, innocently sipping his coffee.
"I didn't know you were crying."
"Whatever!" I am sobbing and I go right back into the room to cry. I come out a few times and ask him to come into the bedroom when he is ready to talk.
But it's already noon and we said we would be back home at noon so now we're really late. We're going to a music festival that is hours away and it will be over if we don't go soon.
So finally I confront him, tell him what time it is and tell him we can either talk about it in the living room or he can come to the bedroom. Everything I've been feeling all days comes spilling out of my mouth, but he doesn't say anything. He says he doesn't know what to say. I start to cry and he holds me, and we cuddle. I want to have sex. He doesn't.

It is a long quiet and strained drive back home.

We go to our old dealer's house (We haven't found a new one yet) and I say before we go in "we need to get in and get out, no smoking." She has 3 bongs packed and ready to smoke. SO we smoke. An then we have to go to my mom's house and I just try and act normal and get the kayaks to go to the river music festival. But by the time we get there it is already late, only an hour and a half left before the concert ends.

It takes a while to get the kayaks to the water and then to paddle to where the concert is. We get there for the last few seconds of the last song. Then we go back.

We drop everything off at my mom's, drive back to Davis (our new home) and go to his friend's birthday party. No one is drinking much but Andon starts taking shot after shot of bourbon. He wants to get wasted. And he does.

After an hour and a half at the party he is puking in the bathroom. He lays down on their tile floor next to the patio door. I convince him we should go. When I take him to the truck he is crying. I get him home and he wants a shower and ice cubes to suck on. He wants me in the shower too. I sit there with him laying on me, singing him songs as he moans and every once in a while he leans forward and barfs. I get him to bed and he wraps up in all the blankets. Then cries it's too hot. He mumbles a lot about how he can't do anything right. Then he mumbles more and I have no idea what he is saying.

In the morning he is still drunk. He keeps bothering me and I want to sleep. He says when I wake up he wants to have sex. He misses me.

When I do wake up he is no longer drunk but hungover and doesn't feel good. So we cuddle and then decide to smoke so he doesn't feel sick anymore. Then we have sex. And every time we have sex it's amazing. He's amazing. But I think he is still upset I haven't orgasmed during sex. I keep hoping I will but try as I might it just ruins the sex when I make it all about cumming.

He helped me hang stuff around the apartment and then went on a bike ride, and probably back to his friend's house. They are the only people we know in Davis.

I am planning to make a crazy awesome dinner tonight but I don't think he really appreciates how much effort I am putting into it. I asked him cookies or cupcakes and he says "I don't care." Well fuck, if you don't care who does?

I am so glad I have him though. He makes my world, which scares me because if he is gone then everything is gone. But I have to let myself get close, I can't hold back if I want this to work. I love him to death.

I wish we could cuddle and hang out high and naked all day like we did in the summer.

A Good Cry

I spent almost two weeks staying at Andon's house. My family is out of town for the week so we decided to stay at my house (I had to take care of the dog and polliwogs anyways).

So yesterday I wake up with this persistent hangover. He said he wanted to see me drunk and he finished his finals so we went out with his friends and I paid for drinks and had two pints of beer and three sex on the beach drinks. We rode our bikes to his place using the creek trail and I was swerving all over the place. We were so drunk, so we fooled around a bit but couldn't really manage sex. When we woke up he wanted to fool around but I was sick. I took something for the headache but he has like nothing to eat at his house and I was trying not to barf everywhere and he kept kissing me. I smoked some pot to help with the nausea and then we fooled around more but I was too sick for sex.

So we got up and got me to work. As we were driving from his house we spot his friend Loranger. Picture blond messy hair and dopey smile, on a bike and probably high. He is homeless and staying at a shelter in my hometown and biked all the way there, so we told him to throw his bike in the back and jump on in the truck. After work they picked me up, they seemed pretty stoned. Sometimes I wish he would wait for me because when I get off work and he is stoned and I'm sober it's not like I'm on the same level and there is no one to smoke with and it feels stupid. But whatever. So we go to his house and get his stuff, and then drive over to my house.

I briefly show Loranger the house and then he bikes back to the shelter. We now have the empty house to ourselves. I take him out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in town and they know me there so they gave us free ice cream. He was super quiet though. We come home and I show him some pictures from my album because I was looking at a picture on the wall and I wanted to show him everything. He seemed not to be paying attention, which is ok because they are my pictures and I can see how that could be boring. So I asked what he wanted to do, and he said sleep.

I was still feeling a little queasy from the hangover. We laid down and then he started rubbing me and kissing me. I wanted to have sex but I felt sick. So I asked if he would mind smoking with me. He said sure but he seemed kind of down. After we smoked we fooled around a bit and then started having sex. It felt amazing. Then my dog started HOWLING. So we got up and shut the door. But then he couldn't get it up again. He said he wasn't in the mood. I asked if something was wrong but he said he was just tired. So we started to go to sleep again but then the rubbing and kissing again and then sex again. And it was amazing again. And we started really going at it and we had to stop and catch our breath. But then he went soft and just got off and said he wanted to sleep.

So now I'm really worried. He keeps saying nothing is wrong. He asks me to believe him. I tell him if nothing is wrong I'll believe him, and I try. And I say I'm disappointed we didn't have more sex. He says that hurts his feelings. I try to explain and he says his feelings aren't hurt anymore but I think they are. We go to sleep without cuddling. I want to cry but I go to sleep.


I wake up with the morning light falling on our faces. I have very vivid dreams. I was dreaming of this pedophile who gave us a giant stuffed bear that he also stuffed his latest dead victim in. And then he sees the kid's cousin, a kid I know from work. And there is this moment of fear. And this is when I start waking up but I can't get those fearful eyes and those little blue bodied dead children out of my head. So I try to think of Andon and I stroke his hair and go back to sleep. This time I dream of our wedding - our imaginary one, obviously. He in a black tux, me in the kind of gown Carrie from Sex in the City wore when she got stood up in the first movie. And I see him clasping his hands in front and smiling at me, looking so handsome. And then I see us dancing and I know he says he can't dance so we practiced before. And the song is Vampire Weekend's Horchata. Because that is king of our song. And Then I picture afterwards him with his pants rolled up, soaking his feet in the lake on the docks drinking a beer. I imagine kissing him. And then I hear him waking up and I wake up. And I have all these lovey feelings for him. I want him to kiss me and hold me and I want to have sex with him because I love our morning sex.

We kiss passionately and he pulls me close. And then he rolls over. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Every time I try to kiss him he rolls over. He doesn't have to leave for over an hour but he says he is just going to go home and have breakfast at his place. I know something is wrong. No sex when we are both awake and have over an hour to spare? And he eats god damned lucky charms at home! He got dressed and when then left in minutes, taking all his stuff with him. The stuff that he packed for staying here for the week. He took with him. The night before he said he would be biking back so how will he carry that all back? Is he coming back? He left quickly and quietly without kissing me.

My stomach was in knots. I knew I would be going crazy all day if I just let him leave without getting something, some reassurance. So I yelled out the window.
"You forgot to give me a kiss!"
"What?"
"You forgot to kiss me!"
"oh."
He came back in and kissed me and his lips touching mine sent warmth through my entire body and my heart swelled and reached out but as he drew back I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
and he left.


I laid in bed for a while tormenting myself. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Then I watched Private Practice and Castle and ate goldfish because my stomach hurts still. Then he texted me. Exact message: "Hey, I'm feeling better. I think i just wanted to be alone for a bit. cant wait to see you tonight ;)"

This is what I say back (after waiting for an hour):
I'm pretty pissed at you right now. Why did you lie to me? You just made me freak out all night and all morning! How do you think I felt when I try too kiss you in the morning and you roll over and say your just going home? You wouldn't even look at me! And then you kept saying nothing was wrong! I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and I was crying but I felt like an idiot because I wasn't sure if there was something wrong and you were lying or if I just didn't trust you enough. I Love you so much you make me insane!

The crying part was an almost lie. I wrote that because as I was typing out my response I started crying. After I sent it I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I listened to Vampire Weekend which mad me cry more because I think of him. I don't cry very often, and certainly not that long. I guess I really needed to cry. Though I'm not exactly sure what I was crying for. I hate the phrase good cry because crying isn't really good, it sucks. But that cry released a bit of me I think.

So after two hours of no response I send another text:
I'm sorry I text yelled at you. My stomach hurts and I've been crying for hours, I'm exhausted. Sorry. I hope I'll still see you tonight?

But no text back from Andon yet. Crissy said she would meet me a little after noon so we can hang out before I go to work, since I'm feeling kind of down.
If he doesn't text back soon I may go even more crazy. Though I already was angry, and I was already sad so I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend.

Spring Break 2010

So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.

At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.


We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.

In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.

Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"

Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.

Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.

They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.

We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.

The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.

I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.

I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.

The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.

One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.

Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.

The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.

When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
He laughs.
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
"Oh, ok"
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.

Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.

In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.

We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.

In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.

We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.

He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.

I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.

When I Lost my Glasses

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
Splash.
"Fuck!"
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.


Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

I'm going soft on you

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?

Choices...

Fucking Fridays

I hate fuckin friday nights. Because I am almost never fucking, and that is what I would really rather be doing.
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.


Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.


I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?

Up down and all around

I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.

I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.

She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.

It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...

There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.

Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.

Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!

I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.

"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"

We line up.

"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.

The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.

I drove home and it was quiet.

I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.

My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.

When I forget, you remind me

The party wasn't going to happen and I was watching Numb3rs, comfortably in my bed when I get a text.
Oh god, I hope it isn't the HS dude again, he already tried the booty call thing and I turned him down.
But no, it's Be. She just got off work - it's 3 in the morning. She wants to come over and drink.

She comes in and I hug her. She has been dying her hair since she was twelve and right now it's a dark red, almost purple. Maybe it's a brown red. She has pale skin and her blue eyes shine. She is a little taller than me, skinny with wide hips and pouty lips. She is wearing a purple plaid shirt and a green leather jacket. She comes in talking quickly, cigarette in one hand and pulling her phone out of her beige purse.
"You wouldn't believe - my mother, she came to my work tonight. And I was like what the fuck am I supposed to do, but she's my mom right? So she comes to my work and tells me this guy, she's been staying in his garage, he beat her up. So she's staying in this guy's garage, you know Christopher - his mom had a stroke or something but she can talk. So she is staying in his garage and sometimes she calls me and tells me like 'oh the garage is cold can I crawl into your window?' and she's my mother, right? But what can I do? I want to help her, but really I don't want her to come in. My dad wouldn't want her in. I was supposed to see her Christmas eve and my dad kept telling me to not make her problems my problems, ya know? He was worried but I didn't go to see her. But it was like Christmas eve, and he didn't want me to be upset, but she's my mother. She sent me this text like 'oh I don't want to be a burden' but like she's totally being a burden and she said ' oh I'll just go and I'll borrow your jeans' and I'm like dude, those are my jeans, and she won't even fit in them. Right? But whatever dude. She is homeless an' stuff but she looks good, she's been having three meals a day and shit. At work the security guy was like 'Be, you're mom's here' and I was like fuck. she had these bruises all on her arms and she told me the guy beat her up. she was gonna stay in my car for a bit. and the whole time I was working I was hella stressing out. Like I want to help her but what can I do? But she's my mom and I feel bad, cuz I don't call her all the time or anything. But she left before I got out and I was kinda relieved, ya know?"
She goes on like this for a while. We make our way over to the booze.
I bought a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum, Smirnoff's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey.
"I fuckin' hate whiskey" Be grabs the rum.
She's brought her own chaser, a big thing of Pepsi. She drinks straight from the rum bottle. Some rum, some soda. Rum soda, soda rum. She grimaces when she drinks it, like I know I do.
I pour a small glass of Orange juice and add some vodka. I sit down with her and we drink. I tell her about Andon; she thinks it's shady that he has a girlfriend that he isn't that committed to. We go outside so she can smoke. She tells me she has had sex with four guys, but one guy in New York almost had sex with her but they didn't have a condom so they just fooled around.
"He wanted to stick it in and he was like 'oh I'll pull out' and all that shit but I'm not stupid, I know about pre-cum, so I said you ain't stickin' that thing in me" she waved her finger around as she said it.
Be is comforting in a way, because we are fucked up in similar ways. She is usually loud and inappropriate, which I can be too. When I'm drinking that gets worse, but I swear it gets better for her. Or maybe it's when she smokes pot is gets better.
"Hey Sky, you want the Mary Jane?"
She pulls out a pipe that has a very angular shape. We smoke. She doesn't have the best quality weed, but it is free and I am a light weight. I am very stoned. Be has drank quite a bit of rum very quickly. I know I'm not finishing my drink tonight. I take some pictures of her, she has always been very photogenic. We are being goofy. But at this point the pot takes over and I'm having one of those body highs and I can't really talk so mostly I just nod and sometimes I can understand her but most of the time I am spacing out and I have no idea what she is talking about. I smile and look interested. She is venting mostly. I think? I want to draw her but I don't really want to move my limbs.
"You look cross eyed"
It's 6 in the morning, I can't keep my eyes open.
She goes out for another cigarette, I want to sleep. Instead I clean up the glasses, put away the booze. She sounds like she wants to take the party up a notch but I want to go to bed.
I lay down as she comes in. She wants to drive home but I ask her to crawl into bed with me. We both sleep in all of our clothes.
We wake up around 3 in the afternoon.
We decide to go out for breakfast.
We go to a dinner that serves gigantic proportions. We get biscuits and gravy with eggs, sausage and hash browns. She gets a giant orange juice and I get hot chocolate and a giant water. When we talk she laughs louder than necessary and she cusses a lot. When I am around her I cuss more.
When we leave she says something about the sex shop in town, and I say I've never been to it. She yanks the car quickly to the other lane and turns sharply so we can go to the shop. It has all sorts of dildos, dolls, books, lubes, costumes, ect. It is rather large. It surprised me. They have a book that has pick up lines and sex talk in many different languages. I've been wondering how to talk about sex in Spanish. They have a giant dildo that is bigger than my hand. And little those little balls that you stick in your vagina for vagina exercise but they vibrate when you clench and the sales lady says she wears them during the day, just like around town and stuff. I wonder if she has them in right now. I'm defiantly coming back some time.
Be gives me a brand new pair of converses. Wow. I am surprised because she doesn't do that very often. They are so awesome, I need to get some jeans to wear with them.
When I get home I can't imagine staying inside. I tell my mom I am going to see John and I go back to my hometown. Really I can't get ahold of John. I stop by his work just to be sure and he isn't there. I text Maria and Sadie but neither answer. So I go downtown and walk around. I sit in my secret spot and sing to myself and drink the bitter tea I bought. Then I go to listen to the street musicians on the corner. One is cute. Grungy but cute, with a lip piercing. I like piercings.
He plays the banjo and his friend plays the guitar and they sing in a very blues or country kind of way. They look like punks though. They are 19, from two towns up. They will be here tomorrow too. I talk to the cute one. I like him. He is very nice. He has those eyes that are saying something. I want to do him. His name is Javier. I tell him I used to hang out here more, even though I don't look it. I'm wearing my hair in a bun, dark red lipstick, glasses and a black dress with flats and a button up coat. I know I look like a librarian or something. He says they are just clothes. He says they are saving to hitch hike to Santa Cruz. I tell him my friends do that sometimes, and I drop Maria's name. He knows her. He seems surprised I know her. Instant credit, I love her for this - everyone knows her. He went to the bluegrass festival I went to a while back. He used to listen to punk but now he is into folk. We are both hung over. We smile.
It's been raining all day. He has strep throat. He is going to walk to somewhere to crash with his friend. He asks if he will see me tomorrow. I say maybe. As I am leaving he asks for my number. yyeessssss. I give it to him and he calls me so I can save his number. He shakes my hand twice as we say goodbye. I like him.

I drive home happy. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. When I get home the fire place is warm. I grab the dog leash and go out into the rain with our dog Hank. We run around for an hour, me singing to the darkness with my ipod on shuffle. I laugh as we run, my glasses are fogging and covered in stars and diamond in the form of rain. I can't see anything. I'm still in my little dress.

Now I'm home, it's late. My day has been great. When I despair and I forget what a wonderful life I have, I am reminded. I get little reminders. People who love me, cute boys, tomorrows to look forward to. Beautiful brilliant gifts thrown at me. I hope tomorrow is as good as I think it will be.

Friends?

I drove to my home town Saturday. I need to clear my head.

I go to the coffee shop I like best and play the piano while my tea cools. Then I walk up to canon ball park and drink my tea sitting on the hill, over looking the Boulevard. It's pretty cold out. I decide to call Maria.

She is actually home, I thought she would be working. She tells me to come over but take my time, she is feeling lazy. When I get there she is in the top bunk of her sister's bed watching MTV. She tells me she just stopped going to work like two weeks ago. She puts on socks over her tights and we go out to her garage. I look at her paintings she is working on, her new desk. She turns on a record. We smoke out of a broken pipe because her boyfriend has her regular one. I almost burn my nose. We decide to go to Goodwill (thrift shop). I am feeling really silly and laugh a lot.

When we get there random people show up. It is like the whole gang. Joe is there, Dickaless and Sadie. We agree to meet up later. I am fascinated by a rubix cube I found. I am cold so I buy a weird dress jacket that is blue plaid. Maria and I go to the Mexican restaurant. I eat half of my food and can't finish it. We look up and it looks like porn on TV, but it is the watchman. Dickaless and Sadie show up. They want to drink. We go out.

We stop to smoke some more pot by the train tracks. When we sit down we start talking and we talk about pine trees. I explain how they bring water through themselves, and how they gather water from the fog we have. Which is why the tallest trees in the world are here. But I am high and going all into detail and talking about the water molecules slightly sticking together like pearls on a string and how the sun pulls them out, and in pulling one pulls all the others up - carrying them through the body of the tree. I go on about the whole tree thing for a while. Maria says, "Trees freak me out, man"

I take out my journal and start writing because I think this is all very amusing. Maria wants more people to hang out. She looks at Dickaless and asks "Do we have any other friends?"
"You guys are my friends, I don't have any others." he says.
Sadie agrees.
Maria looks at the ground. "I don't have any friends." after a few moments she quickly adds "except for you guys."
Sadie talks while I write.
Dickaless is sitting on his bike and he turns to me, saying "Dear diary, I'm having so much fun with my new friends!"
We all laugh. He asks if that's what I'm writing. "It is now."
We talk about subconscious dreams. Dickaless wants to remember his. I did stuff to remember my dreams once, and it worked. And I didn't like it so I did stuff to forget. Subconscious dreams freak me out.

We walk to sevey and are outside when all these random people keep showing up. A guy Maria slept with shows up but then leaves. This dickhead that is sometimes cool shows up, his name is K.C. Another guy shows up, cute with glasses. I know him from many times before but I can't remember his name. Chris? Something or other he is buying chaser and says he will come drink with us but doesn't. I get them thirty twos of natty ice. I get one for myself as well. and milk duds. We walk to a nearby school to drink. K.C. suggests I have us a party at my house sometime. I didn't think anyone would come all the way to my place. The thought that they would - This makes me happy.

It all feels so natural, like the old times but better. I feel like I am more accepted as part of the group, like I'm not Maria's friend but their friend. And Maria and I are getting along. We all smoke some more. Joe shows up again. I give away most of my beer, I have to drive later. Maria and I walk back to her house, getting her pipe from her boyfriend on the way. I draw her and listen to the well tempered clavier she has on vinyl. So bomb. It is super foggy when I leave and I am frightened the whole time I am driving home. When I get home I talk on-line to Andon's best friend again. I also decide to have that party and I announce it on facebook. Sleep. It is for the weak. I give in around 3am and have weird dreams that I didn't want to remember.

Stupid Things I Do

So when Friday approached I wondered to myself, is this a good idea? Probably not. But I doubt myself and I feel like doing something reckless so I drink a beer and when HS dude asks I tell him how to get to my house. He comes over at 1 in the morning. When I open the door he is wearing a sweatshirt and smells like some weird chewing gum, and he starts kissing me. But little pecks. He is taller than me and has short hair, he is middle eastern. He takes off his thick black glasses.

He pulls me over to the couch, pulls me on top of him. I am straddling him and we are kissing, but it is weird because he doesn't kiss with tongue. Which takes half the fun out of it. I take off my top and bra. He kisses my nipple. I ask him if he is going to get undressed or if it will just be me. We stand up to move towards the bed, and as he takes off clothes he kisses me and in between each piece of clothing he says "yes!". He seems almost thankful, and that bugs me. I don't want to do a guy who feels I am doing a favor for him. But no real turning back now. I kick off my shorts and panties, and he goes "oh, yeah, taking off panties, no big deal". He must be talking to himself. Now I am getting the feeling he has lied about his experience, because seriously who says that?

I am going from feeling empowered that I can just call someone and they come over for sex, to feeling like this was a horrid idea. At least I'm drunk.

So I just decide to fuck him and get him out of here. I put the condom on him and get on top. He is enjoying the shit out of this. I suggest position changes. He seems like another one of those sweet lovers. Good damn I hate that. I just keep having to say harder, deeper, faster. No matter how hard or deep or fast he goes it does not feel like enough. Some positions he gets at an angle where it kinda hurts, but I just go with it because I just want to feel something and it kinda hurts but the hurting is the only thing that is turning me on. I wear the dude out. He is dripping sweat at the end of round one. He wants to get me off, but nothing is happening for me. He has become the biggest turn off for me. He reminds me of London Joe in a bad way. He seems so grateful to be fucked. He isn't as muscular as I thought he would be, and just not satisfying. When I look at him I don't feel any lust. And he is obviously very hairy and tried to wax or shave or something, and now he is just prickly everywhere. Like ew. I actually consider kicking him out before he is done. But I decide to be polite. I did agree to this.

He tries to go down on me but I after a few seconds I kinda pull away, and he tried to finger me but I ain't faking nothing, and I tell him not to bother. He seems confused. He says this always works, he always gets the ladies to come like this. Dude, that's what they all say. I laugh and tell him I'm complicated. Round two. The one thing I like is he puts my legs straight up against his chest which is kinda fun. Mid fuck he asks me if I would like to date him. I tell him that I have a girlfriend and am just having my man fix. hahahaha. He keeps wanting to take breaks (who needs a break from sex?). I'm not sure if he is tired or if he is trying not to cum. Either way he eventually does, but the condom doesn't look very full to me so he may have faked it but I don't care. I tell him before he is even out that I need to get up early, he should go. He doesn't want to go. He mentions like three times that my house is closer to his work and he has to work early too. I push him towards the door and when he tries to kiss me I give him a peck and open the door for him. Buh-bye.

Immediately after he is gone I go on-line. I feel shitty about the whole thing. I can't believe I didn't just change my mind when he came in. At first it felt empowering but then it turned into a pity fuck. Fuckbeans. I talk to my friend Kaylee on-line. We have always been friends but have never had much to talk about. When ever we hang out with just us we stare at each other and have nothing to say. But I talked to her all night. Turns out once you talk about sex bluntly she starts opening up. She has always been shy about sharing the details of her sexual history. She told me not to be so hard on myself. We all do stupid things. We all get drunk and horny. We both talked about how sometimes liking sex makes us feel slutty. We both talked about how wanting more sex than the guy makes us fell like whores.

I took off my sheets. I had just taken a shower but I take another one. I can't seem to get rid of the smell of him and that damn fruity lube. I need to get rid of that lube (Scott left it). But I am drunk and moody so I also talk to this guy who is Andon's best friend. Stupidly. I tell him I just fucked someone and regretted it. I also tell him I had depression and mild OCD. Then I freak out and go oh gawd are you going to tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, oh my drunkenness gives me no filters baaahhh. But he says "you said nothing worth sharing". I'm not sure if he is being nice or patronizing. Either way I thank him and we talk of other things. I am up until 4am talking to him and Kaylee. She says our talk is Epic, we need to hang out more. I agree.

The memory of this night follows me like a lingering scent in the air, haunting me where ever I go. I feel stupid and kinda dirty. Sort of ashamed. I'm not sure why I did it, looking backwards. At the time it seemed important to do even if it turned out badly, because I knew it could. Oh well.

Somehow this makes me want to do someone else really badly. Like if a new memory comes it will replace the old ones and I'll only remember the newest one the most. And that one will be better.

Just add booze

So all day I was looking forward to hanging out with Andon after work. He texts me, "when do you get off of work?", I reply "6pm". I wait, drive home.

I'm at home making dinner, wondering when he will text back. He does around 7. He doesn't want to come, he is in a bad mood. I'm kinda put out, sounds like stupid excuses. "Lame, I thought we could have some beers and listen to music. Text me next time you want to hang out." bummer. I'm kinda emotional, I haven't eaten all day. I make an emo playlist and start listening to sorrow and lameness.
He texts back "I'll take a shower and be over in a few." uh...ok.
He comes over, he seems to be in a good mood. He brought mead over but we didn't drink it, instead we each grab a beer from my new mini fridge. We talk and start doing the music exchange on the laptops, he is quiet mostly because he is on the laptop and I don't know what to say so I nervously peel off bits of the label on my beer. I get a second beer, he isn't finished with his first. I wish he didn't have that stupid girlfriend. But she is moving later this month and they are not going to do long distance. Which makes me hopeful.
Then I start getting stupid. I knew it was getting late but I didn't want him to go, and I wanted him to have a good time and not be so quiet; I wanted to make him laugh. So I tell him my Berlin/Amsterdam story. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!! I haven't even told some of my close friends that story! Holy moly. But he laughs and then I don't know what to say to top that and then I just keep talking and words are falling and I try to think of my funniest stories and sex keeps coming out of my mouth. Like blah I'm a whore. And I tell him about the possible May. He says I should do it. I say I'm unsure. Then I tell him about some of my High School escapades and then I just keep going. I slowly realize I sound like the slut I am. Oh dear lord, he will never like me now.

Then he says he has to go, and I let him. It is like 1 am. He also says that the next time he has a party to go to he wants to invite me, I'm always fun to hang out with. Ok. Then when he was leaving he put his arms out to hug me (!!!). And it was a nice hug. It made me happy. I like him a lot.


But then he left and I was feeling restless and moody and I wanted to walk but I knew it probably wasn't a good idea since it was so late. I started feeling so stupid because all the things I told him started to sink in - like, if you like a dude and want him to like you and possibly do you, you probably shouldn't say any of those things you said. So I tried not to beat myself up about it. I talked to Ribsy on-line, and he was being weird. Calling me the captain. I took some stupid pictures of me using photobooth on my computer. Then I posted them on facebook. Immediately High School Dude (remember him?) sends me a message on facebook chat and he says nice pics. We start talking. He wants to show me his new tats on his webcam. I know where this is going but I let it go.

He is suddenly super charming. and silly. I talk about how I kinda love/hate my glasses and he shows me his - the ones he never wears. omg ultimate thick black nerd glasses. He asks me to turn on my cam, and I do. We decide to play ten fingers: basically you say "i have...." and if someone hasn't done it they put a finger down, last person with fingers wins. And we made it a drinking game so I opened a third beer. He asks if we can have the other persons strip as a grand prize. I say ok because I think I'm going to win and I don't mind showing him my tits.
I start going "I am so going to win. pssshh"
me first. "I've had a 3 some with two guys."
No fingers down for him.
DAMN.
"I've had a girl finger my ass"
Finger down for me.
"I've had sex in a lake."
no fingers down.
"I've had sex with my cousin."
ew. finger down for me.
"I've had sex with someone I knew less than an hour."
no fingers down for him.
"I've paid a whore for sex"
fingers down for me.


and so on. I was pwnd.

I only had a bra and undies, but I took them off for the camera. He wanted me to lay back and spread my legs.
"No way!"
He put his hands in the prayer position and mouthed "please!"
"10 seconds, that is all you get"
he took of his boxers and waved around his cock, I'm not sure if that was supposed to do anything for me but it looked hella silly.
"I want to do you so bad girl! You have sucha sexy body!"
I can feel myself blushing. What to say to that.
"Why haven't we ever hooked up before?" he asked.
"Well, we kinda talked about it before but you changed the subject. So I blame you."
"I'm free this weekend."
"How about Friday, I get home around 10pm."
"Hell yes."

We talked until 4am, when I had to say "IT IS 4 AM".
"I can't wait until Friday" he said.
"You have my number."

So then later, in the sober light of day, I'm not so sure this is a bright idea. I remember last time I ran into him I thought something like "thank god I didn't sleep with him!". But I can't remember why. And he obviously has had lots of sex, but hey that isn't a bad thing because I have too. But he sounds more whore-ish than I. Good idea, or bad idea? Not sure. And the weird part is that part of me feels guilty. Because I like Andon and I feel weird sleeping with someone else while I like him. It's almost like doing two guys at once, or cheating. But not.

Maybe I should just have a beer or two before he arrives tomorrow...

Elusive

So it was still Yule and I just got dumped.

I have met a lot of people through Maria, but I never got close to any of them - all I needed was one good friend, why waste my efforts on other people who may let me down? But Maria and I were/are in our tiff so I texted someone I met through her - Sadie. She invited me to join the booze train.

I borrowed my mother's car and drove back to my home town, meeting Sadie and her part time lover Dickaless in the breezeway at 7pm sharp. The night was crisp and cool. The wind made me shiver. I always wear a dress on the holidays, so I had my black dress and black leggings with those Ugg boots and a warm dark green coat. A dark rose and charcoal hat topped off the look, my long brown hair falling into curls down my back.

I brought my flask of whiskey and cigarettes, and we each picked up a 32oz beer at the sevey (7/11, a quicky mart). We walked down towards the pipe bridge, but instead of going down by the bushes and the bank we followed the train tracks a little ways and I could hear the hollow sound of a boom box playing. There were the usual suspects, most of them just visiting - back in town for the holidays. There was Alice, who was Maria's new best chick friend; a rather nice skinny white girl who paints creepy things, she had her own set of quirks and emotional issues, much like me. I like Alice. Maria and her boyfriend were there. Joe was laying on the ground, drunk and texting an ex, trying to flirt with Maria and being shut down. She told him she was going to shit on his face. There was another guy whose name always eludes me, I've met him many a time but he goes to college up north now. We shall call him Elusive Guy.

I sat down on a piece of wood. They were finishing off a thirty pack of cheap beer when we arrived, and I passed around the whiskey. I also brought my camera; I hadn't taken pictures of my nights out in a while. A few people complained about the pictures. Joe couldn't remember meeting me before, but said he remembered me from Facebook. He said my updates were interesting. He was really drunk and tried to climb a fence upside down. He kept bumping into me. I started talking to elusive guy and he said he last remembered me from a party over a year ago. He says he is Pagan but not Wiccan. I gave him a cigarette. Joe tried to go home but walked the wrong way. Then he left again, hopefully in the right direction. I told Maria I was glad she wasn't mad at me anymore. She said she was never mad at me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. We all decided to go to a near by Mexican restaurant.

On the walk I talked to the elusive guy some more. Everyone got ahead of us. Somehow we ended up talking about our recent break ups. He had got dumped a few months ago, the girl wanted an open relationship and he said no, and she said "well, I'm fucking someone else." Which was the end of that. I just proclaimed everyone should be straight forward. He agreed. We pieced another cigarette, waiting for the cops to leave the restaurant before we joined our friends inside. I got the feeling he was into me, I decided to play it out.

We went inside. I sat next to Sadie and talked. I really like her. Maria never did in the beginning but I think she is ok with her now. Sadie is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, which i think is cool. She fools around a lot with her words, sometimes harshly. I think she has adopted Maria's strategy of being bitchy so as not to get hurt. Not my style, but I respect it. Elusive guy sat at another table with one of his friends that had joined us, James. Dickaless kept calling me Antlers, which I kinda like. There was talk of getting another thirty pack, but on the way back to sevey we lost Maria and her boyfriend. Then Sadie and Dickaless fell behind.

So James and Elusive and I got a 32oz beer each and walked up to oak hill. This is a legendary park on top of a hill covered in oak trees at the edge of downtown. It was the first place I ever got drunk, back when I was sixteen, actually a week before I was seventeen but whatever. I needed a place to crash since I couldn't drive home and Elusive said I could stay with him, but he had a couch. I was down. We drank and Sadie and Dickaless joined us on the hill as well as two girls. Elusive talked to the girls but I wasn't jealous or worried he would go off with them instead of me. Which is new for me, I am usually insecure. I got up to pee or something and when I got back I realized someone had taken my beer. I was upset at first but hen realized I was really drunk and it didn't matter. Elusive suggested we get going. Turns out he was staying at a relative's house near by.

We walked arm in arm and I wasn't nervous or thinking sexy thoughts - I was just laughing and having a good time. He dropped the cigarette and I got another one out, and we would come to a complete stop to pass it, so that we didn't drop it again. We went through a fence and into the backyard. We went into a large shed. It was cold and had a light hanging from the ceiling. There was a couch and a blanket on it. I took off my jacket. It was pretty cold. I didn't feel cold but i was shivering. I quickly realized we were going to be sharing some small space, and we were going to be having sex. I'm not sure how it happened, either he asked me to or I just started stripping and so did he.

"Get in" he said.
I climbed onto the couch and laid down and he covered me with the white down blanket, climbing in on top of me. He kissed me. It was sweet smelling. I liked how he tasted, how his skin smelled. He had freckles on his shoulders. He ordered me around.
"Grab my dick." I did. It was hard and thick.
"I wanna fuck you" he said, "don't tell Maria."
"Ok, I won't tell her." (uh, why would I?)
"Don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't. I won't tell anyone." I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him already.
"69" he said and turned around.
I liked his dick. Some guys don't keep it clean enough down there, but he was clean and not too hairy. He knew what he was doing. After a while he turned around again.
"I want to kiss your pussy. I love your pussy."
"Okay" I know, I could win a literary prize.
He went down on me some more. It was pretty good but i need him to press harder, stay in one spot longer. And it didn't help matters that I was really drunk. We didn't have time to get to know each other, so I did my whole one night stand act - I exaggerate everything so they get the idea. I do more moans, more movement with my hips, pulling the hair. It works really well actually.
"Do you want me to get a condom? I have a condom."
"Yeah."
I reached over to my purse and got the condom, handed it to him.
"OH fuck. Where did it go?"
"What?"
"I dropped it. I dropped the condom." He searched around for it in the darkness. "I'm going to have to run to the store and get another one."
"Damn." I pulled the blankets up, it was getting cold. "Do you need money or something? You should hurry."
"I got it. I want you to masturbate when I'm gone. Promise me."
"Okay"
He leaned over me and kissed me. Then he started going down on me again.
"Go get the condom! I want you to fuck me."
"OK, I'll be right back." He ran out quickly.
It was cold. I decided to use the time to find my clothes, so I wouldn't have to look for them later. He had already told me that the only place to pee was out on the side of the shed. The concrete floor was cold.
"oh, hey" I said, he was back already.
"I forgot my wallet." he was kissing me again.
"oh"
and going down on me again. He kept doing that move that some guys do where they shake their heads when they are going down on you, and I never found it that appealing. I love guys that pay so much attention to the lady's pleasure though. Can't complain there.
"Oh hey, I found it!" he said, holding up the condom he had dropped earlier.
"Put it on!"
He put it on and told me to grab his dick again, and I did and then he pushed inside of me.
"ok, now get on your hands and knees."
I did, and he went from behind. My head hit against the wooden arm of the couch.
"Now turn on your back again."
"Harder." I should learn this word in every language.
"Ohh, I'm going to cum." This always happens when it is getting good.
I love the way a guy sounds before he comes, how he tenses and his breathing changes. The smell of his sweat. The way his balls move and his cock swells.
"I want to finish this way." He pulled out and took off the condom, rubbing himself.
"Grab my dick." I did.
He started cumming on my face and chest. I liked the way he moaned. I hadn't gotten a facial in a long time. We were silent for a minute and all I could hear was his breath in the cold night.
"Is there something I can wipe this up with?" I could feel his semen covering my left eye.
"Here" he handed me his boxers and I wiped myself off. He was already moving down, going down on me again.
It felt good but really I knew I wouldn't be able to cum. I had too much to drink, otherwise I'm sure I would have. I could tell he knew his way around down there.
Afterwards he came up and spooned me.
"Sorry I didn't make you cum." He sounded very apologetic.
"No worries."
"No, seriously. I wanted to make you cum. It's kinda my thing."
"Well, I've slept with ...well, now 12 guys... and only 2 have made me cum. So it's no big deal."
"Well I've slept with people two, not twelve...."
oh geez, did I really just offer up my number, my now high number?
"If I wasn't drunk I would have came."
He apologized again and I pressed against him. We smelled like each other. I went to sleep.


I woke feeling like I was going to barf. It was that dead part of night. I got up and looked for some clothes. Nothing. All I could find was my jacket so I put that on, leaving it open so my nakedness was exposed, and I walked around the side of the shed. I made myself barf to end the nausea. Then I peed for good measure. I crawled back into the couch. I was shivering like mad.


My cell phone alarm went off. The birds were chirping and the sun was just coming up. I laid there for a minute and then got up, putting on my clothes as quick as I could find them. I had mud on my dress. I laughed at the sight of it. He watched me get dressed. I buttoned up my coat and put my hat over my not matted and tangled hair. I still felt drunk. And soooo thirsty.
"Thanks for letting me crash here. How do I get back to downtown?"
"Take a right then a left."
"Cool, thanks." I left, not looking back.
The back of my heel was rubbed raw from the shoes. I stopped at sevey and got crackers, a water bottle and some bandaids. The same guy was working that had been there last night. I wonder if the recognized me. I walked to the car, drinking water and eating to try and sober up. It was so cold for morning. The sunlight felt gorgeous.
I knew if my mom didn't need the car back I wouldn't have decided to drive, I was still drunk. But not drunk enough to not return the car. I didn't want to deal with it. So I drove home, cautious and slow. Mellow. I tried to concentrate on the road.
When I got home I went through my door and quickly changed and went to give Mom the keys back.
"You have fun party girl?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, are you still drunk? You drove my car drunk."
"I'm good. I was careful." I didn't want to lie, or tell the truth. "i just need a nap. I'm really tired."
"Ok, could you help watch the kids later?"
"Yeah, sure." By which I mean no freakin' way.


I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What was stuck to the side of my face?
Oh man, that is dried semen. Hahahahaha.


When I woke up from a good three hour nap I had the spins and felt super sick and my head was pounding. Oh whiskey, why do you do this to me? I got some headache pills and water and crawled back into bed. Where I would stay. I realized I had a cut across my shin. A few actually. I know once I get naked I'll find more bruises. I usually come home with a few battle scars.
Sitting in bed I can still smell him on me. I should shower, but I like the smell.

Be and Me

I was going out of my head.

So to review from my last post: I walked over to the Mexican restaurant, which I knew would be closed. So I went to the quicky mart, and got a forty of old E (read: big bottle of cheap beer) and thought, well they might need me to buy more if I want to put it on my card. So I got a pack of American Spirit Cigarettes, even though I don't really smoke.

Then I walked back, slipping in through the back gate. The dog started going all nutts and my family was asleep and I didn't want them to see what I bought and I was having trouble locking the door, our door lock is weird. So I left it unlocked and went into my room. Oh dear. This whole booze and cigs alone is not a great idea.

So I called my younger cousin Be. She said she might hang out, she would call me later. Then I texted her saying I was going crazy and having a really tough time. She texted back that she would come get me.

Cue two hours later, she pulls up just past midnight. I climb in her car. Smells like Pot. Some skinny guy is sitting in the front seat. This car looks way nice for a girl who is working at Taco Bell. She is wearing the hat I knitted her a few years ago. She tries to ask me whats wrong in the car but I don't want to talk. I can't even express what is wrong. I just want to be obliterated with alcohol. We take the back roads to Petaluma and we stop at a quicky mart that is nick named the fast and sleazy. She isn't 21 yet so I get her a flask of rum and I get a flask of whiskey. We go to the skinny guy's house.

When we get there he has friends there. We can't go inside so we sit in his garage playing pool and he gets out a big jar of pot and starts messing with the buds. Be and I share the 40 and the rum; I save the whiskey. We smoke the pot and the cigarettes. There is another white average sized guy and a big white guy there. I don't remember what we talk about. I am really bad at pool. Be is pretty good. I am very happy and warm and drunk. But as soon as I get high I can't talk and I feel all my muscles contracting and relaxing, like these balls of heat under my skin. I know the garage is really cold. My toes are burning they are so cold.

The two guys go and Be is wasted now. When I stopped she drank more beers. I think she finished the Rum. She barfs. Twice. She starts to pass out as I and the white skinny guy try to figure out how his couch pulls out into a bed. It is small and I get her in it with me and we lay down, keeping each other warm.

I wake up early and want to get out of there. There is nothing to do. I fall back asleep. I wake up again. He makes us some potatoes and we smoke a joint before leaving. I'm really hungry after the joint. I don't want to talk to my family and either does Be. She parks far away from my house. I go in my bedroom and go on-line. Everything feels pleasant. I like how warm the bed is. It is odd, I kind of felt high almost all day.

It isn't that interesting of a night. Except this is how I react when I get this antsy feeling. I get anxious and drink and usually try to sleep with someone. I talked to Scott and told him I was high. Good for you he said over aim, and then he didn't say anything else. Ho hum. I have a feeling something isn't right.

Moody

I'm feeling moody, which is code word for my emotional crazy feelings. Basically I feel like I want to cry, even though I am not especially sad.

My boyfriend Scott slept over last night and left this morning, and I got no sex or anything like sex. Then I made a birthday cake for my brother and helped the kids decorate cookies. Watched some Numb3rs episodes. Masturbated with the rabbit, which is broken so I haven't used it in a while. But I found it is still useful if you just hold a working vibrator up to it. Such a good O that I immediatly fell asleep. Slept from some time in the early afternoon until 9ish at night. Not much around to eat here, and everything's closed. Scott is hanging out with his roomate. I have nothing to do.

So suddenly I want to cry. So I want to walk. I am missing when I used to go downtown with Maria and have a forty and smoke cigs. But she is still mad at me. So I walk to the quicky mart type thing, and I get a 40 of old E (aka, big bottle of cheap beer) and some American Spirit cigs, even though I normally don't smoke. I come back in through the back gate and have trouble locking the door and the dog starts going nuts. I leave the door unlocked.

Now I am sitting in my room, lonely. I am wondering how good of an idea it is to drink and smoke right now. Alone. I have never drank alone. I am hoping Be calls me back. I have no one really to call. No one to hang out with. Man, sometimes my life seems so great and then sometimes it sucks. Why am I so emotional? fuck fuck fuck.

I want to cry. and drink beer.

My Birthday Weekend

So most of my friends have dropped from the scene. John comes on and off my radar, and Maria is kinda ignoring me kinda not, and Juliette is in Santa Cruz, and the rest have either died untimely deaths or were never really that close. So I have no one to party with on my birthday.

My birthdays have a bad habit of ending up horrible and I cry. But last year was great. Last year was my 21st birthday and I drank whiskey and orange juice and barfed everywhere and the people who loved me put me to bed happy, because tons of people had come to my party. Mostly because Maria invited them. My cousins came from Cupertino though, which was nice of them. Even Crissy came; I think it is the only party she has ever been to. I only have one picture of me in the hot tub just grinning like an idiot. No idea who took it.

But anyways, this year my birthday came again. I'm a Scorpio. Solitary and lonely is my curse. I posted this sad thing of facebook like what the crap am I doing for my birthday and my cousin Jenny invited me to her place in San Francisco. Heck yeah. So I took the long bus ride to her place. When I was the last one on the bus the driver asked me where I was going.
"Folsom and 8th" I said.
"Ok baby, we're going to take a short cut, don't tell anyone. what you doin' in the city?"
"It's my birthday."
"ooo giirrrrrlll, watch out! I'm not kidding man, watch your drink. I know a man should be able to buy girl but youse got your own money to let him buy you no drink. If you are on a date go ahead but no stranger, they going to slip you roofies or somethin'. girrrl, watch yourself. The city can be a dangerous place!"
The whole time this guy is going on all these crazy side streets drivin this fat bus. I was just like "uh-huh, thanks mister" and he dropped me off.
There wasn't really anything to do but wait for my cousin. I got dropped in front of some leather daddy store - the door to the store was metal and you actually had to press a button to get buzzed in. I walked down the street but it was all closed clubs and bars, or gay leather stores. Finally Jenny came. Jenny is actually closer to my Dad's age than mine, but she is really rad. She is in a band that is actually good and has played with other good bands and she owns a dog walking/boarding business. She picked me up in this big smelly van, she looks so much like my aunts.
"Let's make one quick stop, I need some gloves for my Halloween costume" she said.
So we went into the leather store but there were no gloves small enough for her hands - she wanted like biker cops, she was going to be a sexy police lady. So we went to another leather store that had a lady section of latex outfits. It was freaky. I can't imagine wearing all latex.
"These stores are...interesting" I said, looking at a giant suction cup dildo.
"When you get my age you will want something to add a little excitement" she said, thumbing through leather props.
"I'm sorry, we are out of that size glove." said the store clerk.
"How about billy clubs?"
"Sold out too, but we have some other types of clubs and we have whips" the clerk pointed to a wall of whips, paddles, clubs and other things. I looked in the corner at a chair with all sorts of pokey metal and leather instruments around it. hmmmm.
"Hmm," Jenny took down a bumpy club thing and then put it back. "nah, thank you though." and we went out.
"So what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't know," I said "Whatever."

So we went back to her place. It was this little space between two normal buildings and there was a door, and when she unlocked that door it was like we were still in that little alley and you could see a small backyard that was grassy. Then we went into her apartment. It was small and when you came in you were in a tiny kitchen, to the left was a tiny living room and a bathroom and a normal sized bedroom. The walls were absolutely covered in art, band and concert posters, all sorts of stuff. She had mastered the art of living in a tiny space. It didn't feel cramped but there were lots of shelves and cupboards, and little see through colored curtains and colored glass hanging by the windows. She had a weed vaporizer in her bedroom and we smoked a little before we left. It made me feel stupid and all inside myself so I couldn't talk.
We sat around for a bit and then made our way out to a tapas bar on Mission. It was crowded and it looked like we wouldn't be getting a seat. So we started to leave and we ran into one of her friends, this dude I'll call Jeremy (I can't remember his name). Jeremy was like no no, we can totally get into to the tapas place and sure enough he got us in; he knew the bar tender or something. The food was bomb. We ate and chatted at the bar and after two or three rounds we left, Jenny was paying for me and I think Jeremy was paying for Jenny so he paid everything. Then we were supposed to go to a live music thing but instead we went to his house. We walked there, it wasn't too far and the night was really pleasant. His apartment was up all these stairs. His apartment was painted so cool. Even the roof was painted. It was all aztec themed. One of the bedroom roofs had a big sun on this rich blue sky and the rays of the sun were all squiggly and had little mirrors glued on them so it really shined. There was some girl in there too, I think it was a room mate. Jenny and Jeremy smoked more weed but I didn't want to. We went to three or four bars and briefly peeked in at a music place but it was too crowded.
One of the bars had this great outside patio, we got a pitcher of beer and drank under the stars. There was an overpass that went right to the side but it was raised so you could see under it and I thought this was strange. All through the night little funny things would come out. The only thing Jenny and I really had in common was family, we had never hung out before. So we talked about family but she grew up on the east coast with her mom, not her father who was my uncle Ron. She grew up near my aunt though. She let is slip my uncle Kral was using his antique shop as a front for cocaine back in the day, and our cousin Justin had got hooked very young. But we talked about other things too, like music. Most of the night was this happy haze for me.
We went back to Jenny's car eventually and she drove, which I was nervous about but she did it perfectly. I slept on her couch and felt drowned by dog hair. But it was ok, because I felt loved. After we woke up we went to the park to walk her dogs and we met some other dog walkers - this one guy wanted to be called crazy bill or something like that. Some other walkers recommended a place to eat so we went there afterwards. It was not normally a place I would go, or something I would try, but try it I did and it was fantastic.
Then Jenny drove me home for my family birthday party. We had it at my house because Grandma is still sick and I made the cake myself when I got home. On the way home Jenny kept talking but I hate talking in the car; I like looking out the window.
"Sorry we didn't see any live music last night like I said we would."
"That's fine, I had fun." I said.
"Well that's good. Jeremy just smoked me into submission..." she mumbled something and then we were both silent.

"You know that stuff I said last night, about Justine and that girl? You shouldn't repeat it and the stuff I said..."
"Whata re you talking about?" I said.
"Oh, you don't remember?" She said, her eyes opened wide, "Ok then, that's good!" she kind of sank her seat, relieved. I wondered what she had told me that I obviously don't remember. Family secrets lost in a drink.
Jenny smoked more pot before we got there so she could mellow out, I think she was nervous about talking to the family. She had grown up so far away from her father's side of the family so I think she feels like an outsider looking in sometimes. But heck, I grew up here and I feel the same sometimes. But the cake was nice and everyone gave me such great presents - like ones that were not very my style, but were so typical of them it made me love them more. Like Aunty Air gave me a blank birthday card with a post it inside of it saying I should sell my own cards to make money. That was her present - and the card, she said she didn't write in it so I could use it again. So her. Be and Uncle Ted got me a nice purse though, with a scented pencil and a car shaped nail clipper inside. Oh my family. My mom also gave me a picture of some chairs she wanted to get me from Target (but never did).

Now I'm 22.