Private parts

I decide to give myself a break. from the mundane, from life.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:

We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.

Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.

So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.

Moody

I'm feeling moody, which is code word for my emotional crazy feelings. Basically I feel like I want to cry, even though I am not especially sad.

My boyfriend Scott slept over last night and left this morning, and I got no sex or anything like sex. Then I made a birthday cake for my brother and helped the kids decorate cookies. Watched some Numb3rs episodes. Masturbated with the rabbit, which is broken so I haven't used it in a while. But I found it is still useful if you just hold a working vibrator up to it. Such a good O that I immediatly fell asleep. Slept from some time in the early afternoon until 9ish at night. Not much around to eat here, and everything's closed. Scott is hanging out with his roomate. I have nothing to do.

So suddenly I want to cry. So I want to walk. I am missing when I used to go downtown with Maria and have a forty and smoke cigs. But she is still mad at me. So I walk to the quicky mart type thing, and I get a 40 of old E (aka, big bottle of cheap beer) and some American Spirit cigs, even though I normally don't smoke. I come back in through the back gate and have trouble locking the door and the dog starts going nuts. I leave the door unlocked.

Now I am sitting in my room, lonely. I am wondering how good of an idea it is to drink and smoke right now. Alone. I have never drank alone. I am hoping Be calls me back. I have no one really to call. No one to hang out with. Man, sometimes my life seems so great and then sometimes it sucks. Why am I so emotional? fuck fuck fuck.

I want to cry. and drink beer.

How much is too much?

The indecisiveness was killing me. He was sleepy, laying next to me. What do I want, and what can I get?

The night had gone by quickly. Stopped by his apartment to see his cat. He put on a album he knew I would like in the car, we made curry but I didn't make it strong enough. He pulled me onto the bed. He asked me what I wanted.

I had put my ideas out there, taking every bit of courage I could summon to just ask for something that I liked to do. It was so humiliating to have to put my sexual ideas into words and leave them out in the open air, hanging there like underthings on the line.
I rubbed my fingers across the tip of his penis. "What cha thinkin'?"
"Uhhh...Well, I'd be down for the wrestling thing you were talking about, or anything else really. It is up to you. To tell the truth my thoughts are kinda wandering because your hand...my thoughts go in and out."

What to do. 69 would be nice because he wouldn't be looking at me so it might be easier to have an O, but then again I would be distracted by trying to get him off. The wresting and rougher sex is what I really wanted. But I could barley say it out loud, how was I going to do it with him? I just am not that comfortable with it. The whole act is playful and forceful and sexy all at once - but it requires openness, trust. I'm just not there.

"I'm kind of sleepy, so the more you wait the more sleepy I get." He said this with his eyes closed.
The wrestling thing is kind of like a special treat for me. I want him to be excited about it. He seems more mildly intrigued. I tell him he is too sleepy, regular sex it is. I get on top with a condom.
"Um, I've never actually put one on a guy before..." oh the embarrassment.
"Really?" He seems very surprised.
"Yeah..." I feel so stupid.
He shows me quickly and I do it. We start with me on top. I like being on top but sometimes it is hard to get the right angle. If it is hitting right i love to be on top, if I can't get the right angle it doesn't do much for me - plus it brings out my shy side because I feel like the center of attention. I close my eyes sometimes to feel more comfortable. We switch to me on bottom. This is quickly becoming my favorite with him. He leans on one arm and sometimes grabs something so he can go harder or faster. I tuck my legs in towards my chest, better angle. Angles. Who knew geometry could be so fun. He mostly hits good spots but then he hits that great spot and I pull him closer, my nails dragging across his back. He pulls my hair, yanking my head to the side. He is going harder and faster, breathing onto my neck and into my ear. I am pulling him closer, into me. My neck hurts. Yet this is so freaking hot. When he finishes I can feel his dick throbbing. We just lay there for a few seconds. I want to express how sexy and amazing that was. Everything with him is new to me. Hopefully I am not boring the hell out of him.
I just say stupidly "That was really hot." Ugghh.
We cleaned up and then he laid on his back and I rested my head on his chest. I could tell him every time I am close to him how much I like his smell. He is already drifting to sleep. He is talking about work outs he is doing that will make him climb mountains even better. I run my hands across his body; I like it now, and I'll like it when he is more muscular. Either way he is handsome.


It's hard because I was awake and I just laid there, wanting more. It was great sex but...ya know? And I was worried. He was so sleepy and happy, he just seemed so content. Like this was perfect for him - food, talking, sex, sleep. Done. Satisfied. And I'm not.
Sometimes when people talk I just want to have sex with them. I just play along and smile and have little responses but really I am imagining having sex with them, looking at all their parts. Imagining all the things we could do with each other, to each other, in each other. Scott is interesting and I actually like to talk to him. He wisely sits across the room, not knowing that this helps contain my thoughts. When he is close I just smell him and want to touch him, kiss him, rip off his clothes.... But I went to sleep like a good girlfriend, just turning over and letting him spoon me.


I went back to a few days ago, when Scott and I were sleeping in and we laid around for a while and then he started talking about food and doing something with his day. You ever wish you could have another chance, go back in time and do something differently? I got that this morning. So a few days I screwed up and it was a horrible morning for me, but this time I spoke up.

He was talking about this and that and I was letting my hands roam and just thinking, damn I want to have sex right now. He just kept talking. Then I realized something - it isn't that he doesn't want me, it is that he is still satisfied with what we did the night before. So I say something like "I like sitting here talking in bed, but there are a million better things we could be doing while naked and in bed".
Which just made him laugh. He said I was mildly entertaining. Geez. So I looked at the time. Ten to 11. He was ready t get up and dressed.
"Just ten more minutes." I said, wrapping my legs around him.
"What you want is going to turn into more than ten minutes."
"Ten minutes, a quickie I swear!"
His face kind of changed, maybe he thought I wasn't serious and finally got it. So he told me to grab a condom. It was ridiculous, I was practically giddy.
The quickie was not a quickie. But that was not my fault. It was weird. It felt like we were both having fun but he said it was hard for him to cum with just plain sex sometimes. I'm not sure what he meant by that or if that's the truth and I want to talk about it more but I don't really know how to bring it up. But anyways he decides to speed the end for himself and whips it out and masturbates at the end. Still the whole thing takes a little over twenty minutes.
When we were done I decided to be frank.
"I have a very high sex drive. I have a feeling I'll be wanting more sex than you."
"I have that feeling too." He paused, "We'll manage."
"Pretty much I'll be down whenever. I'll always choose sex over everything else, like food and sleep. I'll always fit it into my day, even if I have to run around like crazy the rest of the day. I'll always choose sex."
"We'll manage."
"Sorry." I just feel like such an imposition sometimes. Here I face such a "guy's problem" - I don't want him to feel like just my sex toy. I really like him. I just also like sex.
Smiling, he said "Oh how hard my life is."
"I know, it is just so hard being you." I paused and looked down at his flaccid penis, "Or not very hard at all."
"Ooooh! Burn."

I really am worried about it, even though he kind of laughed it off. I'm worried that I'll feel unsatisfied or he will feel overwhelmed by me. Or both. I just really want things to work out with him. I know we haven't been dating long but he is just so everything I want in a guy. If we could just get the bedroom figured out - it's fun but we haven't had super hot passionate sex yet, and he hasn't given me an O. I just can't keep asking for more. I want him to like me. What should I ask him for, How much should I ask him for? How much is too much?

What am I doing here?

SO it is Sunday evening and I am siting on my armchair with my legs draped over the side, thinking about my laundry and refilling the ink in my good pen. But mostly I am wondering where my emotions have gone off to.

If I had to guess two days ago, I would say that today I would not be able to stop thinking about the new guy I am dating and I would be all fluttery and lovely. But mostly I am thinking about having sex, and not necessarily with Scott. The thing is that I would never cheat, and I know I won't. And I have never got the urge to cheat ever ever. Never crossed my mind before. But walking around yesterday I just thought, damn I would really like to fuck someone right now. And when I found myself thinking about Dick and a guy named Kenny (craigslist guy who I never called back) and the many other guys that were possibilities - people who would want to be in my bed. But why would I want them in my bed when I have found someone better than them? Where are my flutters and love-y feelings? Where are my emotions and what am I doing here? The Answer: This is how my mind seems to work when I feel rejected.


I think it has something to do with yesterday. We were both tired on Friday night so he came over, we made out and snuggled and what not and he meet the crazies that live with me. Then I gave him a hand job and we went to sleep. In the morning I woke to kisses and oral. Nice way to wake up but I wasn't really awake and so I think much of his effort was going unappreciated. Then I suggested sex. And I suggested that we do it twice and each have a turn of like directing it - getting exactly what we want with little consideration for our partner.
"What do you want me to do?" He asked as got a condom.
My style of sex is much different that what we did before. I like girl on bottom stuff the best. First missionary, then I looked for something that I could lay on so he could stand up and do it that way but the counter was too tall and the bed too short, so then I got a bunch of pillows to get me a bit higher and he was on his knees on the bed. I ended up sliding to the side which made him hit this great spot. Pretty much everything I said was deeper, harder or faster. I'm just that kind of girl I guess.

But anyways after that we talked and laid in bed for a bit. The whole time I'm feeling more awake and more horny, and wondering if it would be rude of me to ask him to stop talking and just make out with me or do me again or something. When we talk I let my hands roam randomly across him. I kiss him a little bit and he perks up and says "So, What do you want to do for breakfast? I'm starved."
Ugghhhh. I am not really hungry. If you keep track of it this is the third night in a row I've had him in my bed, and I haven't any Orgasms (unless you count the one I gave myself in the shower, thank god for those massaging shower heads). So I am feeling a bit ignored. He mentions food like two more times but I just keep kissing him. I think he gets the idea and his hands go south. For one, I hate this because he obviously would rather be eating and it's like I have to beg him for it. But whatever; we are just starting so he doesn't know me yet and whatever I try not to think about it.

But he has his fingers down there for like a minute and then he asks for directions. I kinda show him what I do but his hands arn't the same as mine so it feels different and he is not hitting the right spots. It is really frustrating. The more that I try to explain the further off he gets and I am kinda shy about explaining stuff anyways. So I am getting completely embarrassed and frustrated and this is so stupid. Here is this great sexy guy that I just had good sex with and he wants me to give him instructions or something. He stops and suggests a vibrator. I get one out and then I realize he is suggesting I do it myself. Lammmeee. I can do it by myself when he isn't here. And I am suddenly very very very embarrassed. My body is being all difficult when he was so easy. But I can't really say 'oh never mind' at this point because then he'll wonder why and I am not good at talking. So I try to masturbate with my vibrator with him right next to me. And I can't do anything with him looking at me. So I ask him to kiss me.
"I feel weird when you watch me."
"Maybe it would help if I did it too." He says and reaches over for some lube.
So now we are both masturbating.
I want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I have found guys touching themselves to be a turn on but this is just making me feel worse. I just want it to be over and my cheeks are flushed but not with pleasure. So I tell him to not stop kissing me and I hit the spots that I hit for a quick fix and I have the quickest little orgasm that ever was. I don't even know if he noticed. I stopped and when he looked at me with a raised eyebrow I said "I'm less dramatic than you." Vibrator off.
He finsihed himself off and we got dressed and went out to breakfast. He said he wanted to get some stuff done so he would be going home after breakfast.

We went to this cafe that is popular with the college kids and I would feel weird in there on a normal day. But I felt really awkward with him and then the place and I couldn't put my finger on what was making me feel all weird. Sometimes I don't make connections until I write it down. It was nice enough but I wish he would have just left me at home and I could of had breakfast at my own house where I felt comfortable. On one hand I was glad he was leaving so that I could sort through the wave of weird feelings I was having and so he could go do his own thing and not be sick of me. But on the other hand I was worried he was sick of me.
So I made this play list of some sad songs and some songs that were just slow and I listened and chilled. He was on the Internet and I didn't want to talk to him so I got off. When I get upset I want to run. Literally just exert myself and feel wind on my face. So I got the dog and went for a walk in the rainy cold night. I didn't even realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast until I was getting in bed. So I grabbed a can of corn and went to sleep. And still I couldn't tell you why I was feeling so weird. It was like the funk was creeping in. I can't talk about emotions because I can't see them until I lay them out in front of me, which is why I started keeping a journal in the first place.

So now looking at it I just feel like I don't count as much. Like I always have to put my pleasure on the side. And also like I am going to be too sexual for him, like I will always be wanting more. I don't like being rejected, it just makes me feel abandoned and lonely. I am mostly hoping for these feelings to just vanish. I know, I have great skills for dealing with my feelings. I posted on facebook that I was going for a walk around 9 at night; I was kinda fishing for someone to be worried. An old friend replied and I clicked to see what she was up to. Shock. There on her wall was a comment from the guy we had both been friends with, the one who raped me. And I couldn't help it. I clicked on him. His info was private so I couldn't see where he lived. Instead I looked at his pictures. His life goes on. His hair is getting long. I don't know why I do this to myself, like as punishment or something? What am I doing here looking at his pictures?
So today I mostly walked around in a daze and did nothing productive, just sitting around. As soon as I go on the computer Scott IMs me. He hasn't been doing much, just working out and cooking and stuff. He is getting ready to go to work. I am helping Cristina with her math homework. I don't know what to say to him. I have a feeling he has no idea how I feel. Because I can't even figure out what I feel half the time. I don't know why I feel so weird all of a sudden. Just super awkward and worthless. Sometimes I feel so normal, but now I feel funkatized. I have been kinda happy lately, what am I doing back here?


[edit] I kinda worked out my feelings as I wrote this and as I updated stuff from my Europe trip. Then I starred at man candy for over an hour and I feel much better. It's like the logical part of my brain goes "I don't think you were being rejected and you are way over reacting" and then my emotional brain goes "I can't help that I over react, it bothered me and I just want to feel better, someone fuck me". I wonder what Scott will think if he ever reads this (not that I'm giving him the link but he knows I have a blog and it wouldn't be that hard for him to find).