Stupid Things I Do

So when Friday approached I wondered to myself, is this a good idea? Probably not. But I doubt myself and I feel like doing something reckless so I drink a beer and when HS dude asks I tell him how to get to my house. He comes over at 1 in the morning. When I open the door he is wearing a sweatshirt and smells like some weird chewing gum, and he starts kissing me. But little pecks. He is taller than me and has short hair, he is middle eastern. He takes off his thick black glasses.

He pulls me over to the couch, pulls me on top of him. I am straddling him and we are kissing, but it is weird because he doesn't kiss with tongue. Which takes half the fun out of it. I take off my top and bra. He kisses my nipple. I ask him if he is going to get undressed or if it will just be me. We stand up to move towards the bed, and as he takes off clothes he kisses me and in between each piece of clothing he says "yes!". He seems almost thankful, and that bugs me. I don't want to do a guy who feels I am doing a favor for him. But no real turning back now. I kick off my shorts and panties, and he goes "oh, yeah, taking off panties, no big deal". He must be talking to himself. Now I am getting the feeling he has lied about his experience, because seriously who says that?

I am going from feeling empowered that I can just call someone and they come over for sex, to feeling like this was a horrid idea. At least I'm drunk.

So I just decide to fuck him and get him out of here. I put the condom on him and get on top. He is enjoying the shit out of this. I suggest position changes. He seems like another one of those sweet lovers. Good damn I hate that. I just keep having to say harder, deeper, faster. No matter how hard or deep or fast he goes it does not feel like enough. Some positions he gets at an angle where it kinda hurts, but I just go with it because I just want to feel something and it kinda hurts but the hurting is the only thing that is turning me on. I wear the dude out. He is dripping sweat at the end of round one. He wants to get me off, but nothing is happening for me. He has become the biggest turn off for me. He reminds me of London Joe in a bad way. He seems so grateful to be fucked. He isn't as muscular as I thought he would be, and just not satisfying. When I look at him I don't feel any lust. And he is obviously very hairy and tried to wax or shave or something, and now he is just prickly everywhere. Like ew. I actually consider kicking him out before he is done. But I decide to be polite. I did agree to this.

He tries to go down on me but I after a few seconds I kinda pull away, and he tried to finger me but I ain't faking nothing, and I tell him not to bother. He seems confused. He says this always works, he always gets the ladies to come like this. Dude, that's what they all say. I laugh and tell him I'm complicated. Round two. The one thing I like is he puts my legs straight up against his chest which is kinda fun. Mid fuck he asks me if I would like to date him. I tell him that I have a girlfriend and am just having my man fix. hahahaha. He keeps wanting to take breaks (who needs a break from sex?). I'm not sure if he is tired or if he is trying not to cum. Either way he eventually does, but the condom doesn't look very full to me so he may have faked it but I don't care. I tell him before he is even out that I need to get up early, he should go. He doesn't want to go. He mentions like three times that my house is closer to his work and he has to work early too. I push him towards the door and when he tries to kiss me I give him a peck and open the door for him. Buh-bye.

Immediately after he is gone I go on-line. I feel shitty about the whole thing. I can't believe I didn't just change my mind when he came in. At first it felt empowering but then it turned into a pity fuck. Fuckbeans. I talk to my friend Kaylee on-line. We have always been friends but have never had much to talk about. When ever we hang out with just us we stare at each other and have nothing to say. But I talked to her all night. Turns out once you talk about sex bluntly she starts opening up. She has always been shy about sharing the details of her sexual history. She told me not to be so hard on myself. We all do stupid things. We all get drunk and horny. We both talked about how sometimes liking sex makes us feel slutty. We both talked about how wanting more sex than the guy makes us fell like whores.

I took off my sheets. I had just taken a shower but I take another one. I can't seem to get rid of the smell of him and that damn fruity lube. I need to get rid of that lube (Scott left it). But I am drunk and moody so I also talk to this guy who is Andon's best friend. Stupidly. I tell him I just fucked someone and regretted it. I also tell him I had depression and mild OCD. Then I freak out and go oh gawd are you going to tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, oh my drunkenness gives me no filters baaahhh. But he says "you said nothing worth sharing". I'm not sure if he is being nice or patronizing. Either way I thank him and we talk of other things. I am up until 4am talking to him and Kaylee. She says our talk is Epic, we need to hang out more. I agree.

The memory of this night follows me like a lingering scent in the air, haunting me where ever I go. I feel stupid and kinda dirty. Sort of ashamed. I'm not sure why I did it, looking backwards. At the time it seemed important to do even if it turned out badly, because I knew it could. Oh well.

Somehow this makes me want to do someone else really badly. Like if a new memory comes it will replace the old ones and I'll only remember the newest one the most. And that one will be better.

Just add booze

So all day I was looking forward to hanging out with Andon after work. He texts me, "when do you get off of work?", I reply "6pm". I wait, drive home.

I'm at home making dinner, wondering when he will text back. He does around 7. He doesn't want to come, he is in a bad mood. I'm kinda put out, sounds like stupid excuses. "Lame, I thought we could have some beers and listen to music. Text me next time you want to hang out." bummer. I'm kinda emotional, I haven't eaten all day. I make an emo playlist and start listening to sorrow and lameness.
He texts back "I'll take a shower and be over in a few." uh...ok.
He comes over, he seems to be in a good mood. He brought mead over but we didn't drink it, instead we each grab a beer from my new mini fridge. We talk and start doing the music exchange on the laptops, he is quiet mostly because he is on the laptop and I don't know what to say so I nervously peel off bits of the label on my beer. I get a second beer, he isn't finished with his first. I wish he didn't have that stupid girlfriend. But she is moving later this month and they are not going to do long distance. Which makes me hopeful.
Then I start getting stupid. I knew it was getting late but I didn't want him to go, and I wanted him to have a good time and not be so quiet; I wanted to make him laugh. So I tell him my Berlin/Amsterdam story. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!! I haven't even told some of my close friends that story! Holy moly. But he laughs and then I don't know what to say to top that and then I just keep talking and words are falling and I try to think of my funniest stories and sex keeps coming out of my mouth. Like blah I'm a whore. And I tell him about the possible May. He says I should do it. I say I'm unsure. Then I tell him about some of my High School escapades and then I just keep going. I slowly realize I sound like the slut I am. Oh dear lord, he will never like me now.

Then he says he has to go, and I let him. It is like 1 am. He also says that the next time he has a party to go to he wants to invite me, I'm always fun to hang out with. Ok. Then when he was leaving he put his arms out to hug me (!!!). And it was a nice hug. It made me happy. I like him a lot.


But then he left and I was feeling restless and moody and I wanted to walk but I knew it probably wasn't a good idea since it was so late. I started feeling so stupid because all the things I told him started to sink in - like, if you like a dude and want him to like you and possibly do you, you probably shouldn't say any of those things you said. So I tried not to beat myself up about it. I talked to Ribsy on-line, and he was being weird. Calling me the captain. I took some stupid pictures of me using photobooth on my computer. Then I posted them on facebook. Immediately High School Dude (remember him?) sends me a message on facebook chat and he says nice pics. We start talking. He wants to show me his new tats on his webcam. I know where this is going but I let it go.

He is suddenly super charming. and silly. I talk about how I kinda love/hate my glasses and he shows me his - the ones he never wears. omg ultimate thick black nerd glasses. He asks me to turn on my cam, and I do. We decide to play ten fingers: basically you say "i have...." and if someone hasn't done it they put a finger down, last person with fingers wins. And we made it a drinking game so I opened a third beer. He asks if we can have the other persons strip as a grand prize. I say ok because I think I'm going to win and I don't mind showing him my tits.
I start going "I am so going to win. pssshh"
me first. "I've had a 3 some with two guys."
No fingers down for him.
DAMN.
"I've had a girl finger my ass"
Finger down for me.
"I've had sex in a lake."
no fingers down.
"I've had sex with my cousin."
ew. finger down for me.
"I've had sex with someone I knew less than an hour."
no fingers down for him.
"I've paid a whore for sex"
fingers down for me.


and so on. I was pwnd.

I only had a bra and undies, but I took them off for the camera. He wanted me to lay back and spread my legs.
"No way!"
He put his hands in the prayer position and mouthed "please!"
"10 seconds, that is all you get"
he took of his boxers and waved around his cock, I'm not sure if that was supposed to do anything for me but it looked hella silly.
"I want to do you so bad girl! You have sucha sexy body!"
I can feel myself blushing. What to say to that.
"Why haven't we ever hooked up before?" he asked.
"Well, we kinda talked about it before but you changed the subject. So I blame you."
"I'm free this weekend."
"How about Friday, I get home around 10pm."
"Hell yes."

We talked until 4am, when I had to say "IT IS 4 AM".
"I can't wait until Friday" he said.
"You have my number."

So then later, in the sober light of day, I'm not so sure this is a bright idea. I remember last time I ran into him I thought something like "thank god I didn't sleep with him!". But I can't remember why. And he obviously has had lots of sex, but hey that isn't a bad thing because I have too. But he sounds more whore-ish than I. Good idea, or bad idea? Not sure. And the weird part is that part of me feels guilty. Because I like Andon and I feel weird sleeping with someone else while I like him. It's almost like doing two guys at once, or cheating. But not.

Maybe I should just have a beer or two before he arrives tomorrow...

Bad Luck

So H.S. dude turns out to be a waste of time, go figure. He likes to text me every time he hooks up with someone. he'll do the whole "how are you" thing and then say something like "yeah, I hate how everyone in town knows when you hook up - our town is so small!" and it kinda ended for me when he said he had to take two showers because it was one of "those" one night stands. What does he mean by those? Those that have STDs? Ew. And he still texts me like he wants to see me.

So my computer died, and I went into debt to buy another one. My un-lucky streak is not over. And my new job is on call and sucks, takes 2 hours to get there (and then two back). I am surviving off of babysitting and odd jobs. My mom is getting two more foster children. I would say something like kill me now, but it also means she will need more babysitting and I can rake in the dough. And the boys' adoptions are final. Yeeeeeah. And my sister went back home. Exciting. (can you hear the sarcasm?)

I am decidedly overweight, and need to lose weight immediately. Well, after this brownie. Isn't it weird how it sneaks up on you? This is how my weight has been going:

End of H.S. (2005) - 165

I start yoga (06) - 150

Misty makes me her maid of honor, I try to lose weight (07) - 175

I diet hardcore and go to gym(early 08) - 165

I get depressed (late 08) - 175

I am stressed finishing college (spring 09) - 185

I go to Europe (early June) - 170

I drink a lot in Europe, then do nothing in N.C. (late June/July) - 185

I try to eat less and exercise a bit (Aug/Sept) - 175

I lay in my room for all of September - 185

This is really annoying. I eat healthy and don't ever have fast food or soda so it is really annoying that people I know can drink booze and soda and eat crap and are still waaay thinner than me. And it is just genetics, I know that. I have to lose weight though. Basically I just want to look better naked and fit into nicer clothes. I have pretty much decided not to seek out sex until I lose weight. At least it is getting cool enough outside so I can actually do stuff and not lay on the ground dying of heat stroke.

I am going to go a spell tonight about getting better luck (maybe tomorrow night, I'm not sure). I need to pay off this debt and save up for another trip and get some friends and make some music and get some booty and lose some weight and then collapse fulfilled.

Oh, and I read that book by Tucker Max. (google it, I'm not linking the site). He is basically an ass hole who drinks and sleeps with chicks and destroys property and then writes about it. Very funny. But if you are an overweight girl it kills you. He has stories about sleeping with over weight girls and it is not nice. Oh, enough with my weight issues. I think I am going to do some back posts before I write anything new. I will probably be writing about my family in the upcoming posts, so brace yourself.

I Give the D like it was Jesus.

Today was really eventful. I feel like the tides are changing. I have been having some bad luck, which is weird because normally I am very lucky.

But check this: got a random job from someone who knows someone who knows my mom, they somehow knew I was a tutor and I got a gig helping a lady pass the math section of the GED. $90 worth of tutoring!
During that job I got a call from an after school program that wanted me to come in for an interview to be a sub for their after school teachers. I went over and I got the job. All I have to do is get a TB test.
Viki called, she is going to put in a good word for me at the book store she works at. I applied there and I still want that job because I don't really want to be a sub. I want regular hours and regular pay. Something I can count on. But the subbing pays more and looks better on my resume than being a bookseller would. We shall see though. (hope i get it, hope i get it) I want to have both jobs but I don't know how that will work.

I have formed a bad habit of posting to the Craig's list casual encounters/personals. I actually posted "curvy girl looking for good sex". A dude who went to High School with me responded. Hella weird. He used to be on the football team, I didn't pay much attention to him because he acted like an idiot. In his e-mail he wrote "hi u look familiar, kinda like a cutie i remember in high school, so ill take it slo for a sec. I'm in town, you can check out my facebook. Good sex is an understatement, i give the d like it was jesus."
haha, best line ever. the d like it was Jesus. My ad was forward, as were all the other men who responded, but when I actually talked to him on facebook it was about like what we had been doing since h.s. and music we like. And he knew about doctor who! I tried to move the conversation to the sexual sphere but he started talking about relationships. Then we actually had me arguing against relationships and him arguing for them. It was weird. Again the stereotype that men just want sex is broken down. Men as people with feelings is so much more confusing than men that only care about beer food and sex.
So we talk, go to bed late, next day arrives and then I do my day stuff and at night crawl into bed to check my e-mail and suddenly I'm thinking, oo did he e-mail me? This is why I hate my brain. Slightest bit of attention and suddenly I am thinking about this guy a whole lot. A male friend of mine had a long conversation with me while we were drinking whiskey, and then the next time I saw him I said my little brother told me I would be reincarnated as a black widow spider and he said I would never because I am not like that at all. he said it twice. for like a month I kept thinking about him. This is what gets me in trouble. I wasn't even attracted to him before that!
Also, an old friend is coming to town for the weekend. We almost hooked up at his going away party, we were pretty drunk which is why I decided to decline at the last minute. So now I am thinking about asking him if he would like to hook up (hey, and I am not even drunk!). But I'm afraid he will say no, and afraid it will be very awkward if he says no and tells his friends. He isn't that attractive either. I am just really horny I suppose. Or I am longing for some kind of connection, with a dick.
If I don't have sex this week I will scream. and then buy a new dildo.