When I Lost my Glasses

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
Splash.
"Fuck!"
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.


Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

Up down and all around

I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.

I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.

She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.

It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...

There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.

Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.

Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!

I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.

"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"

We line up.

"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.

The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.

I drove home and it was quiet.

I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.

My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.

edit

I am unconscious.


[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.


But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.

Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.

I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.

We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.

Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.

I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.

"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.

As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.


Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.

The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.

I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.


Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.

My Sexual History

Since I am taking my sweet time typing up my Europe Journal and nothing interesting is going on I figured I would give like a little summary of my sexual history as of right now.

Less than Sex: My first boyfriend I was a little afraid of and couldn't talk to and we 'dated' for a week. To get back at me for dumping him he asked my friends to help him cross dress at school. Of course there was stupid spin the bottle kisses. There was this bi girl named Kristina who played Vampire with me and I think we kissed but it was part of the role playing game. I know she bit me a lot. In Madrid at the end of this pub crawl two guys in a row tried to take me back to the makeout corner and I kissed them each for like a second and then walked out because I didn't like them, I only kissed them cuz I was drinking a bit.

Warning: I sound kinda judgey about the guy's sexual performance, but that's because numbers 3 - 10 were one night stands and most one night stands just suck.

Sex:
1. Drew - first real boyfriend, dated for over 2 years. "Ended" when he confessed he was a man whore and was sleeping with well over 20 other girls. I couldn't say no though and I secretly continued dating him for like 5 more months, but making it clear that I was weening myself from him. I dumped him twice.

2. Westly - Dated for a year. He was a freshmen, I was a young senior (High School). I wanted something fun but then really liked him. He ended up being a douche. He broke up with me for no reason. And his sex drive was like once a week and I am more like twice a day.

3. Dana - I went to Santa Cruz, my friends and I randomly found this party and I drank 8 cups of beer in an hour. This guy told me his name and I told him he had a girl's name. I was mostly blacked out at this point. Spent like 5 minutes in the bathroom with him and then 5 minutes in someone's side yard cuz we got kicked out of the bathroom. I think I slept with him to prove I could since it had been such a long dry spell.

4. London Joe - Guy from London. Very polite. I wanted to sleep with at least one foreign guy and this one bought me beer.

5. Argentina Man - I was feeling crappy about sleeping with Joe when way hot Argentina Man came onto me. Uh...I make no sense.

6. Young Guy in Germany - went on a pub crawl, drank a lot, this young guy was giving me drinks and being all nice and somehow I went back to his hostel with him.

7. and 8. Turkish Guys - I was walking to my hostel, drunk, from #6's hostel and these guys cat called me. Offered me free weed. I was like heck yes and they were really surprised. We had a threesome in front of a church. The second guy didn't get his penis in me but I still think he counts as sex.

9. Rob aka Amsterdam Asshole - I spent a weekend in Amsterdam not eating, only having beer and 'space cakes'. Rob and I did it twice and then I found out he was married with a kid. He wasn't cute or good in bed either (I thought the first time was bad because we were so wasted and in a tiny shower). '

10. Lesson Exchanging Dick - He came over to exchange a guitar lesson for a piano lesson, and he smelled good and had nice hands. Lasted 3 minutes. Oh well.



A round number 10. It's kind of crazy, with many one night stands - I'm very sexual and sometimes insecure, so adding alcohol just makes me want to sleep with the nearest guy. I've never orgasmed from just sex, and only the guys I dated (1 and 2) ever made me orgasm (yay for oral). And that's all she wrote.