Not Your Nerd

Someone to talk to

2011-06-21T13:29:00.001-07:00

I haven't updated in a while because I face every bloggers dilemma: how many secrets is it prudent to share, if my secrets involve someone else?

If I write about my sex life I'm also revealing things about my partner, and even though I change names I write knowing that anyone could read it and figure out who the real people are. People can get hurt. Well, their feelings anyways. Privacy is a tricky thing.

I love my boyfriend so much, I don't want to write about any issues he is having on here because what if one day someone reads it and it gets back to him and people think bad things about him? Or what if I hurt his feelings? That is my problem.

And I face that problem again today especially because I need someone to talk to, or really more someone to listen to me, but it's about private stuff so I can't tell just anymore. Not something you can share on facebook.

This is what I will say about today. My boyfriend gets depressed sometimes, and I've battled depression so I felt like I know what he is going through. But I don't and he tells me so. I was depressed because I was lonely - and now that I have him I am no longer lonely, so I'm no longer depressed. He says he would kill himself if he wasn't so afraid, and he says he hates his life and wants to drop out of college. I'm like, I am a huge part of your life! How can you want to kill yourself if you have me? How can you hate your life with me. But I don't say these things, I just say I am sorry and I wish I could make things better and i try to point out the good things but it's like the more I try the more he says I don't understand he tries to sleep to get away from everything. And then sometimes he says something that breaks my heart, like today we were texting and he was depressed and I said what about what we have, isn't that good, isn't that worth living for? and he said he would throw it all away to end the pain.

and I just cried, because what else can I do?

when I think about Andon and I and our future, I imagine getting married and traveling for a bit and then settling somewhere and having kids. I imagine playing music, going to the river, watching movies snuggled on the couch, hiking through the woods. He says he wants marriage and kids with me too. But then reality rears it's ugly head.

Even though we have many days of happiness he gets depressed and nothing can cheer him and it brings me down and sometimes he says hurtful things. If he gets frustrated he will give out an angry yell and start hitting himself, which scares the crap out of me. Sometimes he doesn't want to talk to me if he's in a bad mood. We both struggle with our weight. We both smoke a ton of weed, which will probably kill our lungs, and I don't know if either of us will ever want to quit. One of the biggest problems for me is he doesn't like being around my family - my family is my center. I miss them. He can't even stand to be at their house for a few hours, he won't talk and gets all shifty and uncomfortable and leaves. I have never had many friends, I'm used to hanging out with my family all the time. I don't know what to do.

But then when I think about life without him...I don't want to. For all his faults he is super caring and sweet. He always knows when I am upset and can cheer me up in an instant. He knows how to make me laugh, he notices little things I do like how I like to make toast and he'll try to make it my way for me. We like watching a lot of the same shows and listening to a lot of the same music. He always likes to cuddle with me, even if it doesn't lead to sex. He does things I like to do, he is willing to suffer through musicals with me. I feel so close to him, like he understands me, like I have finally found someone who I can trust. He loves being with me all the time, we spend all of our time outside of work together. He is the first man I've had an orgasm with during sex (with no help from my hands or a vibe, yay). He likes making cute-sy pet names, like he calls me his cuddle love and his babey babe. He tells me how great I am (even when I don't feel great). He tells me at least a few times every day how beautiful I am and how much he loves me. We hardly go a day without sex. I am never unhappy with him unless he is unhappy.

I feel lost and found. I feel like my soulmate has found me. Yet I still feel lost and confused. lost and found.

and now he wants to at least drop his summer classes. Part of me wishes he would suck it up - just the school part. He is always complaining about school and how much b.s. it is and how he doesn't agree with most of his professors and they are all stupid. And I get it, I had a lot of crazy teachers I didn't agree with, but you learn how to get things done and pass even though the teacher sucks and is saying nothing useful. Even if you hate all the reading you get through the class and get it done. He's like "I hate my life" but he has a free ride to a great school and only a year left there (and he has a 3.9 GPA), he has me and an apartment and we haven't ran out of weed since last July. He has an IT job that might lead to a full time position once he graduates. We can afford to go out to eat and take road trips. Sure, I admit neither of us have any real good friends and his family life sucks but those are minor things in my eyes. He says he can't find anything to do, and that always makes him depressed. We have so much to do but he doesn't want to do any of it, he didn't like the prescription anti-depressants, and he won't try any of my suggestions for curing depression like more exercise. I just wish I could make him feel better, it makes me feel like I'm failing and it makes me worry that we won't be together forever. and if he doesn't graduate he will always feel bad about it an he on't be able to find a job, and where will that leave us?

I know that's alot, but I just needed someone to listen. Thanks.

Broken Girls, Strong Women

2010-11-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

So it started like this for me:
When I was younger I got curious, and I poked around my lady parts a bit, but nothing felt good so I left it be. It was my first serious boyfriend that gave me my first orgasm (even though I didn't recognize it at the time) and it was he who taught me how to masturbate. During my relationship with him and all the men that followed one issue came up: I wasn't cumming during sex. When I was single and in college, I realized I couldn't let this problem of mine ruin any more relationships.

I got a vibrator and dildos and started exploring. I figured I could "practice" with the dildos, learning what I liked along the way, and then I would be able to navigate better with a real guy. Even though I highly recommend learning about yourself that way, it didn't help at first. The vibrations or outside stimulation always got me off. The only way these toys helped me sex-wise was when I used the little vibrators during sex.

When Andon started masturbating more than normal, I asked why. I asked because I was horny and I felt he was avoiding sex, preferring to masturbate. Then he told me he would never be happy until he made me orgasm during sex. I did with a vibe before, but that was weeks ago. And we've tried many times since then.

First I cried, and then I did some research. I found out only 3 out of 10 women orgasm during sex. I decided to see if I was one of those 3. I tried with a dildo and for the first time did not touch any other part of me - and nothing. Sometimes it would feel really good, but I could not orgasm. I tried until I was sore, nothing worked. I realized that I was like most other women.

For so long I thought there was something wrong with me. Or that I wasn't doing it right, not trying hard enough, not skilled enough. I am one of the many women who don't orgasm during sex. But even more than that, I think it is just hard for me to cum during sex. For me, even a helping hand (or a helping vibrator) won't do the trick - I feel so concentrated on trying to cum that I can't feel anything. It's frustrating and disappointing.

But I feel like this is a moment of injustice. I shouldn't feel this way - this is the way my body is meant to feel during sex, I am not broken. Science has shown that women only feel so much of their vaginas; imagine if the vagina were too sensitive, sex may feel good but birthing would not. Usually most of the nerve endings that are inside the vagina rest within the first 4 inches, and many are on the front side of the vagina and a spot called the G spot.

But most people haven't even seen a well made diagram of lady parts, so most people don't know there is more. Because when it comes to females, it is about what you don't see. The Clitoris (or clit) is the lady part that most women get their sexual pleasure from, but most of it is under the surface. The clit would have actually have become a penis if the female had instead have become a male. When a man (or vibe, or hand, or whatever...) is poking around in a lady's vagina, it can also be putting pressure on the clit (yay!) and the bladder (boo).

So really the best way to make a lady cum? Stimulate the part that is meant for pleasure- the clit! Oral is amazing, and I cum within 3 minutes with just a vibe. I can orgasm, jus not like a man.

I am trying to accept this. I still hold out hope that something will change. Andon has been touching my boobs more and making sure I'm more turned on, which is nice. But I also try and get into spots during sex where he'll press against my clit in some way - and I hope one day that will lead to something. Surprise orgasm during sex? Please?!?!

We're also getting into toys and kinks, but more on that later.
Sex is an exploration.

Job Hunting

2010-10-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

Usually I don't like to talk about my work on here. But here is the down lo - I have been looking for a job for MONTHS. It's horrible! I have a college Degree, experience, references and am cpr and first aid certified. And what does that get me? The only places hiring won't call me back, I've been told it's because I am OVER QUALIFIED. I don't care if I am over qualified to work as a waitress, I need the money gosh darn it!

And you might say, if you've been looking so long, maybe it's you? It's not me. I blame the economy. But I know it's not me because I have 3 jobs. with no hours. But I still have gotten hired 3 times, and as the lady from unemployment told me, I am not unemployed. This is why our unemployment rating seems lower than it is - they take you off if you are employed even if you have no hours, they take you off if you've been looking longer than six months, and they take you off if you're a student.

But anywho, I got hired today to my third (but not final!) job. I got hired as a free lance writer for a yellow pages type website. I'm going to toodle around on my bike, take pictures of businesses and fill in the information to put in the directories. Sounds pretty cool. But they expect me to do 30 a week, and that seems like a lot. I have school and job hunting, plus I'd like to hang out with my boyfriend...

who, by the way, is super stressed out. I am stressing about school, not having money and not having a job with hours. He is stressing about school mostly - but he is going to the UC and has three jobs with hours. I came in happy to see him, and he was doing homework. So I waited till he was done, and he got naked (good sign) but then he laid down in bed facing the wall (bad sign). I kept asking what's wrong and he finally told me he was having trouble keeping up with the reading and he couldn't finish all his school work. Plus he failed his first Hebrew Quiz. But everything I said made it worse, and he got upset and turned back over. I tried apologizing and talking to him but he closed his eyes and firmly pretended to be asleep. I waited a bit, and then i realized he probably was asleep. or ignoring me. So I turned out the lights and cried as quietly as I could.

I know, I'm emotional, I cry all the time now and it's super annoying.

This morning he left without a word of hello or goodbye. I know he isn't trying to be mean but we are both stressed, why does he have to be a jerk about it?

And I don't know how to help him. He always helps me but I don't know what to do for him and he says there is nothing for me to do to help him. Agh! Frustrating.

I need some work, and I need my boyfriend to be happy again.

Davis, CA

2010-09-12T19:02:00.000-07:00

So these last few weeks have been crazy. I promise when things settle down I'll put the stuff from my real journal onto here.

On August 31st, 2010 I became a girl who lives with her boyfriend.

!

So now I live in Davis with Andon and we are happy. haha. Actually we are stressed as all heck. We are both looking for jobs and not finding any. We got a great roommate named Rick. He plays in a band, works the night shift at a mental hospital, and smokes pot. So that's exciting.

We've got everything moved in and just a few boxes left to unpack. I'm going to night school in the hopes of getting a better job.

The sex has been pretty infrequent. I don't want to say "drying up" though. The problem is I was having some unusual bleeding after every sex session, but I'm on depo so I thought oh maybe it's spotting or something. Then it seemed like I started my period but it was kind of light. And I've been on my period for over two weeks now. We still have sex, don't get me wrong, but no more going down on me which means no orgasms for Sky.

I tried bringing up toys or us both masturbating together because he seems upset about the idea of me going solo. But he did not really take it well. I mean, what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to orgasm during sex and he can't do it with his fingers so do I just not get any?

We are also stressed and running around like crazy doing little errands and we just don't have enough spare time to have sex. When we finally get home at night, around 10pm, we cuddle and talk for a few minutes and then one of us is horny and the other passes out. Who is horny and who is sleepy kind of switches.

Yesterday we got in a fight about nothing. I wanted to cuddle but he didn't want to. So I got sad. When I came back from the bathroom he is horny and wants to have sex. I'm all for it but I need time to switch from sad to horny mode. He realizes I haven't switched yet, gets upset, and pulls away. I start crying, he leaves the room. I decide not to wait for him to come back for hours like last time and I run out to the kitchen and ask acusingly, "Why do you always leave when I cry?" He looked at me with his eyebrows raised, innocently sipping his coffee.
"I didn't know you were crying."
"Whatever!" I am sobbing and I go right back into the room to cry. I come out a few times and ask him to come into the bedroom when he is ready to talk.
But it's already noon and we said we would be back home at noon so now we're really late. We're going to a music festival that is hours away and it will be over if we don't go soon.
So finally I confront him, tell him what time it is and tell him we can either talk about it in the living room or he can come to the bedroom. Everything I've been feeling all days comes spilling out of my mouth, but he doesn't say anything. He says he doesn't know what to say. I start to cry and he holds me, and we cuddle. I want to have sex. He doesn't.

It is a long quiet and strained drive back home.

We go to our old dealer's house (We haven't found a new one yet) and I say before we go in "we need to get in and get out, no smoking." She has 3 bongs packed and ready to smoke. SO we smoke. An then we have to go to my mom's house and I just try and act normal and get the kayaks to go to the river music festival. But by the time we get there it is already late, only an hour and a half left before the concert ends.

It takes a while to get the kayaks to the water and then to paddle to where the concert is. We get there for the last few seconds of the last song. Then we go back.

We drop everything off at my mom's, drive back to Davis (our new home) and go to his friend's birthday party. No one is drinking much but Andon starts taking shot after shot of bourbon. He wants to get wasted. And he does.

After an hour and a half at the party he is puking in the bathroom. He lays down on their tile floor next to the patio door. I convince him we should go. When I take him to the truck he is crying. I get him home and he wants a shower and ice cubes to suck on. He wants me in the shower too. I sit there with him laying on me, singing him songs as he moans and every once in a while he leans forward and barfs. I get him to bed and he wraps up in all the blankets. Then cries it's too hot. He mumbles a lot about how he can't do anything right. Then he mumbles more and I have no idea what he is saying.

In the morning he is still drunk. He keeps bothering me and I want to sleep. He says when I wake up he wants to have sex. He misses me.

When I do wake up he is no longer drunk but hungover and doesn't feel good. So we cuddle and then decide to smoke so he doesn't feel sick anymore. Then we have sex. And every time we have sex it's amazing. He's amazing. But I think he is still upset I haven't orgasmed during sex. I keep hoping I will but try as I might it just ruins the sex when I make it all about cumming.

He helped me hang stuff around the apartment and then went on a bike ride, and probably back to his friend's house. They are the only people we know in Davis.

I am planning to make a crazy awesome dinner tonight but I don't think he really appreciates how much effort I am putting into it. I asked him cookies or cupcakes and he says "I don't care." Well fuck, if you don't care who does?

I am so glad I have him though. He makes my world, which scares me because if he is gone then everything is gone. But I have to let myself get close, I can't hold back if I want this to work. I love him to death.

I wish we could cuddle and hang out high and naked all day like we did in the summer.

Haven't posted in forever

2010-07-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in forever. There comes a time when you have to live your life and stop trying to record it. That said, I still want to keep up this blog.

Andon and I pretty much live together now. We stay at his house, or my house, but we stay together. We always shower together and eat together. I do all the cooking. Right now it's summer, and since we both have work relating to the school year we both are job-free for the summer.

I've started buying more pot, we smoke pretty much every day. I don't want to say we're stoners though because normally we smoke at night and have dinner, have sex and then watch nature documentaries before falling asleep. We wake up around noon and go on bike rides, play tennis, shoot each other with squirt guns, go swimming, biking, listen to or play music. And lately we've been studying languages a lot. We do spanish flashcards when we smoke.

Everything is super great. We are so in love and we have sex all the time, and it's always good and sometimes great. We have some issues but we talk about it when we need to and I get emotional and cry and then we have sex. It's kind of like that. He is perfect for me! I am so happy with him.

We are moving to Davis because he is going to go to UCD in the fall. I'm stressing a bit about finding a job and a room mate. We want these one apartments but we need someone to take the other room. We've been using craigslist for everything, but if you have any other suggestions feel free to comment about them.

When we hang out with people it is mostly his friends because I don't have many. Maria isn't talking to me still, but I try to not think about it. Juliette has moved back but I still don't see her much. And John is in rehab or something again - we haven't talked in months. And an old friend from high school has become my pot dealer so we see her once in a while too.

This is an update kind of thing, but next time I want to post more about the nitty gritty. Like, giving blowjobs and orgasm issues. I wish I updated more because it'd be cool to have a record of me falling in love with him.

A Good Cry

2010-05-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

I spent almost two weeks staying at Andon's house. My family is out of town for the week so we decided to stay at my house (I had to take care of the dog and polliwogs anyways).

So yesterday I wake up with this persistent hangover. He said he wanted to see me drunk and he finished his finals so we went out with his friends and I paid for drinks and had two pints of beer and three sex on the beach drinks. We rode our bikes to his place using the creek trail and I was swerving all over the place. We were so drunk, so we fooled around a bit but couldn't really manage sex. When we woke up he wanted to fool around but I was sick. I took something for the headache but he has like nothing to eat at his house and I was trying not to barf everywhere and he kept kissing me. I smoked some pot to help with the nausea and then we fooled around more but I was too sick for sex.

So we got up and got me to work. As we were driving from his house we spot his friend Loranger. Picture blond messy hair and dopey smile, on a bike and probably high. He is homeless and staying at a shelter in my hometown and biked all the way there, so we told him to throw his bike in the back and jump on in the truck. After work they picked me up, they seemed pretty stoned. Sometimes I wish he would wait for me because when I get off work and he is stoned and I'm sober it's not like I'm on the same level and there is no one to smoke with and it feels stupid. But whatever. So we go to his house and get his stuff, and then drive over to my house.

I briefly show Loranger the house and then he bikes back to the shelter. We now have the empty house to ourselves. I take him out to dinner at my favorite restaurant in town and they know me there so they gave us free ice cream. He was super quiet though. We come home and I show him some pictures from my album because I was looking at a picture on the wall and I wanted to show him everything. He seemed not to be paying attention, which is ok because they are my pictures and I can see how that could be boring. So I asked what he wanted to do, and he said sleep.

I was still feeling a little queasy from the hangover. We laid down and then he started rubbing me and kissing me. I wanted to have sex but I felt sick. So I asked if he would mind smoking with me. He said sure but he seemed kind of down. After we smoked we fooled around a bit and then started having sex. It felt amazing. Then my dog started HOWLING. So we got up and shut the door. But then he couldn't get it up again. He said he wasn't in the mood. I asked if something was wrong but he said he was just tired. So we started to go to sleep again but then the rubbing and kissing again and then sex again. And it was amazing again. And we started really going at it and we had to stop and catch our breath. But then he went soft and just got off and said he wanted to sleep.

So now I'm really worried. He keeps saying nothing is wrong. He asks me to believe him. I tell him if nothing is wrong I'll believe him, and I try. And I say I'm disappointed we didn't have more sex. He says that hurts his feelings. I try to explain and he says his feelings aren't hurt anymore but I think they are. We go to sleep without cuddling. I want to cry but I go to sleep.

I wake up with the morning light falling on our faces. I have very vivid dreams. I was dreaming of this pedophile who gave us a giant stuffed bear that he also stuffed his latest dead victim in. And then he sees the kid's cousin, a kid I know from work. And there is this moment of fear. And this is when I start waking up but I can't get those fearful eyes and those little blue bodied dead children out of my head. So I try to think of Andon and I stroke his hair and go back to sleep. This time I dream of our wedding - our imaginary one, obviously. He in a black tux, me in the kind of gown Carrie from Sex in the City wore when she got stood up in the first movie. And I see him clasping his hands in front and smiling at me, looking so handsome. And then I see us dancing and I know he says he can't dance so we practiced before. And the song is Vampire Weekend's Horchata. Because that is king of our song. And Then I picture afterwards him with his pants rolled up, soaking his feet in the lake on the docks drinking a beer. I imagine kissing him. And then I hear him waking up and I wake up. And I have all these lovey feelings for him. I want him to kiss me and hold me and I want to have sex with him because I love our morning sex.

We kiss passionately and he pulls me close. And then he rolls over. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Every time I try to kiss him he rolls over. He doesn't have to leave for over an hour but he says he is just going to go home and have breakfast at his place. I know something is wrong. No sex when we are both awake and have over an hour to spare? And he eats god damned lucky charms at home! He got dressed and when then left in minutes, taking all his stuff with him. The stuff that he packed for staying here for the week. He took with him. The night before he said he would be biking back so how will he carry that all back? Is he coming back? He left quickly and quietly without kissing me.

My stomach was in knots. I knew I would be going crazy all day if I just let him leave without getting something, some reassurance. So I yelled out the window.
"You forgot to give me a kiss!"
"What?"
"You forgot to kiss me!"
"oh."
He came back in and kissed me and his lips touching mine sent warmth through my entire body and my heart swelled and reached out but as he drew back I knew he wasn't feeling it.
"Is something wrong?"
"No."
and he left.

I laid in bed for a while tormenting myself. My thoughts wouldn't stop. Then I watched Private Practice and Castle and ate goldfish because my stomach hurts still. Then he texted me. Exact message: "Hey, I'm feeling better. I think i just wanted to be alone for a bit. cant wait to see you tonight ;)"

This is what I say back (after waiting for an hour):
I'm pretty pissed at you right now. Why did you lie to me? You just made me freak out all night and all morning! How do you think I felt when I try too kiss you in the morning and you roll over and say your just going home? You wouldn't even look at me! And then you kept saying nothing was wrong! I couldn't figure out what I did wrong and I was crying but I felt like an idiot because I wasn't sure if there was something wrong and you were lying or if I just didn't trust you enough. I Love you so much you make me insane!

The crying part was an almost lie. I wrote that because as I was typing out my response I started crying. After I sent it I couldn't stop crying. I cried for over an hour. I listened to Vampire Weekend which mad me cry more because I think of him. I don't cry very often, and certainly not that long. I guess I really needed to cry. Though I'm not exactly sure what I was crying for. I hate the phrase good cry because crying isn't really good, it sucks. But that cry released a bit of me I think.

So after two hours of no response I send another text:
I'm sorry I text yelled at you. My stomach hurts and I've been crying for hours, I'm exhausted. Sorry. I hope I'll still see you tonight?

But no text back from Andon yet. Crissy said she would meet me a little after noon so we can hang out before I go to work, since I'm feeling kind of down.
If he doesn't text back soon I may go even more crazy. Though I already was angry, and I was already sad so I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like a horrible girlfriend.

humbug mood

2010-04-30T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm in a really humbug mood.

I guess what it is is this. I don't have many hang out friends, and I don't hang out with people very often. Except recently I've been seeing Andon almost every day. And so yesterday he couldn't hang out but I saw him in the morning when he was leaving my house. So today I didn't see him at all. And I texted him last night and like three times today and he never answered any of the texts. So I was in a bad mood.

I go on facebook and say I have tomorrow off but nothing to do tonight or tomorrow. So an old friend says we should hang out and I give her my number and then she never calls. And I text two other friends and they don't answer. And I call John and he doesn't answer. And Maria doesn't answer. And Crissy is busy, but answers.

But I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I go back to my hometown and take a one hit wonder from my pipe in a park and then I wander around really stoned for two and a half hours. And no one calls or texts. I don't see anyone I know. I buy a book and some candy and cookies and lemonade and a hot chocolate and I eat like a pig. I wanna get wasted but I have to drive home.

I kind of understand why people cheat. Like when I'm feeling really shitty, apparently I want to do drugs and have sex with a stranger. But now I'm in a relationship and that's not ok. Like I don't want anyone else, I just want to feel better and he isn't part of that.

Because part of me is mad because him hanging out with me makes such a difference for me. He has lots of friends and hangs out with them a lot, some every day. He is just hanging out with friends and I'm lonely and lame. Why does he even like me?

But this usually happens - I don't have much of a social life and never have, so when I date my world starts revolving around the guy and I don't want that. I don't want my every moment to be consumed by my boyfriend and thoughts of my boyfriends and I don't want my mood to correspond to how much we hang out or talk or text. No, I refuse to be crazy. Or to like him more than he likes me. He says he loves me but how do I know he really does? What if I put myself out there and get my heart broken? What if I don't and I'm always lonely?

So I came home and now I'm on the computer, alone, still stoned. He texted me back, said he forgot about his phone all day. He is with his friends and is apparently going to do shrooms for the first time. I don't know why but this makes me extremely unhappy. I think it's the crazy talking.

Last night I went to this video game night the coop group has. The coop group is a new group of friends I'm kind of getting melded into. I went to that and had a beer and lost the game. I had a big headache afterwards but I wanted to sleep so I took an advil pm. Advil pm makes me wake up feeling numb and tingly in waves. It also sends me into my depressive funks sometimes, which I think has to do with today. So I'm in a bad mood but I have no one to talk to about it. Because I have no hang out friends. I feel very lonely, today was an awful day. I'm glad today is over.

I'm worried I won't do anything cool tomorrow either. This is my sucky life. That is my big worry I suppose. That every day will be my sucky loneliness and nothing will ever feel good again. And I have this feeling no one is going to call tomorrow and I have the day off to do nothing and I'll just want to cry. And I won't know what to even say to Andon if he texts because I'm so upset but it isn't really his fault but I'm upset with him too. And I want to see him but I don't want to want to see him. UUUGGGGHH. Fuckbeans.

Spring Break 2010

2010-04-03T10:03:00.000-07:00

So Andon had just dropped me off at work, and I went into work. The ladies at work - Mags and Sass - had invited me to the city (San Francisco) for the evening so after work we went. Mags took me by her apartment which was very clean for Mags. Mags always has messy blond hair with pens, spoon, brushes and things sticking out of it. She is sometimes awkward but mostly funny and charming. Her roomate was talking to her pet bird. We listened to some music and it turns out we both have a thing for this old french singer, which is super random. But we went and got Sass from her place and started going to the city.

At this point I'm feeling sore from the previous night's adventures. Sass says something about her lesbian love life and I start giving the whole story of Andon. The girls say this is a horrible idea. I say it's just sex, so it doesn't matter. Mags seems impressed I can keep the two - love and sex, apart. I give some stupid advice on the subject. I don't know how I really feel about Andon. We get to the city and we go to a Drag queen show - a David Bowie Tribute. So rad. Lots of bowies and drag queens and whips for some reason. The show is really good and I go next to the stage for the whole thing, but Sass stays on the balcony with her beer and Mags bounces back and forth. I'm ok with that. I drink a little and dance a little but those two are not all nighters, so they call it a night after the show and don't want to dance. but that's ok.

We are leaving the city when I get a text from Mika. Mika is a sub at my work, and we work with kids so we have this week off as spring break. She and I were planning on going camping but all of a sudden she asks if I want to drive to Olympia, Washington tomorrow morning. Like a 10 hour drive. I say sure thing.

In the morning I am groggy and tired from drinking in the city and I quickly pack my bags. I am an idiot and pack all sundresses and tank tops, because that is the weather in California. I don't realize up north will be rainy and grey. I finish packing just as Mika pulls up and I jump in the car and we're off. We are going to the Clear Lake area to pick up Ira, the girl we are taking to Olympia because she is going to school there.

Mika's name means glitter, she changed her name to that. She is from Alabama and has brown hair and smiles all the time. She was a lesbian most of her life but is now engaged to a dude, which is why she moved to my area - to be with the dude. She is into arts, crafts and tripping out. She goes to burning man every year and actually thought of having her wedding there. Her car is covered in stickers; some are just dinosaurs and some say inspirational things or say things like "go local, go organic, go healthy!"

Ira is tough do it yourselfer, she works on cars and when I met her she was dressed in a sexy vest and a red tie. She is very feminine but also very independent and outspoken. Sometimes it seems like she just craves attention. She is very blunt. Mika starts joking about how funnily I'm walking - I'm so sore from the sex night that I can't walk right. Ira asks if I want to put myself in that kind of vulnerable position with this guy, who obviously is not caring that much about me. I don't know.

Andon texts me, says he hopes I'm having fun on my trip. I tell him I'm sore and he says he is too. I wonder if he can walk right. I bet he can. It makes me happy though. And we drive through sunshine and up to Oregon. We pass the pipe and smoke some pot. It makes me not get motion sickness, I find out. Super sweet. We listen to the radio.

They switch off driving but I don't like to drive stoned so I lay in the back and drift in and out of sleep. I wake up in Portland with the evening blazing around me. We stay with some friends of Ira's from burning man. There is a traveler who is tall and looks like a clown, with silky scarves tied to his belt and dread locks. Ira and Mika think he is super hot, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He just seems really funny. There is another guy with beautiful blond dreads and his girlfriend dresses in purple with a waistcoat pocket and rabbit fur coat, she has Alice in wonderland stuff everywhere. I like them but we don't hang out long before bed. In the morning we go to Alberta street. There is a fun bookstore where the ladies get fake mustaches, and we go into a music store and jam. Then we sit in a cafe and I'm super stoned and writing in my journal. There are toy dinosaurs at every table.

We leave Portland and I am the driver. They ask if I'm too tired and I say no but I'm almost falling asleep the whole drive and they won't let me keep the window down. I play mariachi music and I think Ira hates me. We get there in a little over two hours.
Ira's house is freezing cold and mostly empty. I find that they both are very tense about the food situation - as in I didn't bring any, and they brought some. They are afraid their food will run out, but I haven't really been eating anything the whole trip. We visit some of Ira's friends but I am too stoned to talk.

The next day I meet up with Alice, Elusive and their roomate. They live here and go to school here. Elusive thinks Ira is super hot. He would. Ira and Mika leave to do their thing and I hang out with Alice and them the rest of the day. We go to a pizza shop which is awesome because I'm super hungry. They are fun to hang out and I feel comfortable for the first time on the trip. We catch the bus back to their house, and we walk through the woods to get there. It is rainy and grey but beautiful. Everything is green and calm. The house is warmer than outside and they fight over what music to play. Alice and I go to get beer. I haven't hung out with her without Maria before, but I'm glad I did not. She is more awesome than I thought. We watch a movie called "The Road" and it is super depressing and kind of creepy. Everyone but the roomate complains about it. He liked it.

I obviously want to get laid on this trip, otherwise it is a waste of a trip. So I have been eyeing prospects. Ira's friends are basically the ladies' soccer team and I figure one of them may be down. The roomate is a no go (not my type), Elusive is a been there done that and those are the only people I know here. So I just relax and enjoy it. We all smoke and drink and I share my beers and they share their food. Alice is skinny and pale with dark short hair, and she always seems a little nervous. She likes death metal that you can rock out to, and she carries a little tape deck that she rocks out to as we walk. The stars are beautiful between the trees.

I sleep on the couch and in the morning I walk to downtown again and hang out at the vita cafe. I have no idea how to get back to Ira's house where all my stuff is. I meet Mika down there and we go back to the house together. I see Elusive as we are leaving but he avoids eye contact, I figure he must not know what to do since we haven't really talked since we slept together on Yule.

The days pass with me walking around in a stoned haze through the rain. I won't be dry for the whole week. I take lots of pictures. I bounce between Mika and Ira and their soccer friends, and Alice and her people. That goofy dread lock guy we met in Portland shows up and I buy some acid from him. We have a day in the rainforests and I get too stoned before hand and just bumble around taking pictures. One night there is a pot luck and all of Ira's friends go to her house. I don't eat but I throw in for the beer and I feel like they over charged me so I drink as much as I can. I feel out of place and lonely, and I update my facebook and write that. I get some encouraging replies. The soccer girls want to go to the bars and I want to party with them so I jump in the car with them, Mika and Ira will meet up with us later. We all drunkenly sing along to the Country radio station. We look for the bars with a group of boys in them. We find them and they order a pitcher and give me a glass for free.

One of the girls, this blue haired girl, sits down with me for an hour and talks about how she likes guys but the lesbian in the group wants a relationship with her and she likes hooking up with her but doesn't want to date a girl, or maybe anyone right now. I sympathize and hit on her. She hits on me back and we make each other laugh. But I feel guilty because I like the lesbian in the group, as a friend like. She has really good taste in music. So I tell blue haired girl we should get back to the others and she seems surprised and we go back and talk to everyone. One of the guys gets really into a conversation with me about native American languages, and his girlfriend defensively jumps in. I feel a little out of place again.

Ira shows up and is doing crazy antics and at last call we leave. I sleep on the livingroom floor while the others sleep in Ira's bed. Andon texted me happy April fools, he is cross faded and thinking of me. I get a little happy inside and then a little worried that I'm happy from that.

The next day I hang out by myself downtown. I go to cafes, bookshops and little stores. I eat clam chowder on the sidewalk under an awning. I talk to some traveler guy from Georgia. I sit in front of cafe vita and bum smokes, allowing me to almost chain smoke the whole morning. Normally I'm not a smoker. When evening comes I text Alice. Turns out Cole, one of our friends, is moving up here and is staying on Alice's couch. When I get there they have a bon fire started. We go out to get more booze and we grab those flat planks from the back of a store, we will break them down and burn them with the nails and all. I share my beer and they share their food again. I forgot how much I like quesadillas. I haven't hung out with Cole in a while, he is pretty cool. Alice is getting wasted which is kind of rare. Normally she just falls asleep. She drinks a whole six pack - this girl weighs like 100 pounds. Elusive is grumpy and fights about the music. When the fire dies we go inside. Cole is being very polite. He asks about sleeping upstairs in this little area on the side of the hall where the ceiling is low.

When he finds out I am sleeping on the couch he decides to sleep on the other couch. Lets me have the good couch. Everyone goes to bed. The way he talks to me I am pretty sure he wants to sleep with me. He is short with glasses and a stalky build. He offers me a cigarette so I go outside to smoke with him. I forget what we talk about. I say that I love sweets, and it's why I'm this shape.
"Why don't you just stop eating sweets then?"
"Well I have before, and I start losing the weight...but then I kinda just want a cookie."
He laughs.
Elusive comes outside.
"What are you doing man?" Cole asks.
"Same as you guys" Elusive says, sitting in the rocking chair and looking down.
"You don't smoke anymore." I point this out because he bet Maria 200 dollars that he wouldn't smoke for two years. He is only a couple months into the bet.
"I forgot." He sits there for a moment and then Cole and I continue to talk and Elusive goes back to his bedroom. I feel like he was trying to catch us in the act.
When we go back inside we both sit on our separate couches.
"So, Wanna fuck?"
"Uh...sure, but may I ask why you thought I would say yes?"
"What do you mean?"
"It just seems like most of my one night stands start this way, and I wondered if someone told you something about me."
"No, people just get bored and horny and wanna fuck." he shrugs a little.
"Oh, ok"
He comes over and kisses me deeply with his hands on either side of my face. I feel a little guilty, thinking about Andon. But we said we could sleep with other people. I put my arms around him and pull him close to me. His hands slide down my body and I touch his hair...his neck...his shoulders. We start taking off clothes. It is really cold and we get on the couch. I am on his lap straddling him and his dick is so big. It is long and not skinny but not giant. I've been craving something like this. He puts a condom on and grabs my tits and is kissing my nipples and he is touching all the right places in the haze of sleepy cold drunkness we both just fuck. Then gets on top of me and I'm on my back but he is having trouble keeping it up so he wants to wait a little bit and try again. And he hugs me tight and falls asleep on top of me, with his head on my breast. I play with his hair and my thoughts are soft.

Probably an hour later I'm tired of him sleeping on me and I wake him up and he starts fucking me again. It feels amazing, he doesn't even have to try hard because his cock does all the work. I don't think he comes and then he wants to sleep again and asks if I'd be down to do it in the morning and I say sure and he gets back on to his couch. I masturbate when he is asleep.

In the morning I quickly and silently get dressed. I leave some cigarettes and a thank you note for Alice. I lwalk back to Ira's place. Mika and I are going back home today, it is Friday. We pick up some ride share people. We are spending the night in Portland at my friend WIllis's house. Willis dated Alice and I think he still loves her. When I talk to him I can see why she loved him. I would like to do him but I know that would hurt Alice, so I won't even try. When we get to Portland we go to a bar called the next and listen to some performers and drink a beer called amnesia. We play ping pong and two of Mika's friends show up and we go to an empty salsa bar with them and play pool. I miss every shot but the last one, winning the game. Andon texts me and I smile and text back. I feel guilty and happy and worried. and mostly drunk.

We get to Willis's house and it smells terrible and there is a pile of six or seven sweaty half naked men on the floor asleep. Mika seems disgusted and goes to sleep on Willis's floor. We got for a short walk around his neighborhood and talk. I haven't talked to him much before, and I really like hanging out with him. He is studying at college to be an illustrator. I think this is cool.

In the morning we leave before he wakes up. I drive a little but we pick up some people for ride share and the guy does most of the driving and I get really stoned. The guy has an orange mustache. The girl is a biker lesbian with a horrible cd of her playing mandolin with whale noises in the background. The last chick we get from a rad commune in Eugene. She doesn't stay with us long. I watch the sunset and the mountains. We pass snow - I haven't been this close to snow since I was a teenager. I smoked right before we went across the border and the mustache guy isn't happy about it and rolls all the windows down even though it is freezing. The border guys just wave us through.

We get home late on Friday night. Saturday comes and Andon wants to hang out. He says he really missed me while I was gone. He hugs me really tight and I hug back. We have awesome sex. His dick wasn't small, like I originally thought, it was just that he wasn't all the way hard. He actually has a really nice cock. Not too long, nice and thick. The sex is pretty good.

He sits with me on the edge of my bed. He asks me if I want to be his girlfriend and I say I don't know. He asks if we can be monogamous. I think about my trip. I say yes.

I'm worried I'm giving my heart away.

Hey Baby That's Just What I Like

2010-03-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

So I haven't updated in a while. I've been getting busy.

And I did something CRAZY.

But I'm not going to tell you yet. You get to hear the story a bit.

So Lesson Exchanging Dick had been texting me, and I had been busy on the days he did that. So then when I got the time I texted him and he said he would be over in an hour. So I jump in the shower and FUCK I started my period. But it's the beginning so I think to myself, he won't notice I'm on the rag if I just wash myself and hope for the best. Then I smoke some pot to loosen up before he gets there.

He comes over and he is hotter than I remembered. Somehow I remembered him like the Doctor Who from the second season but in reality he has darker brown hair and his face is less pointy, but he is skinny with nice abs. I am giggly and awkward because I'm stoned, but he seems calm and kind of smiles at me as I giggle. Apparently he is in AA...awkward. But he seems chill with it and we start making out and I notice the hickey on his neck. It doesn't really bother me but I ask him about it, because I don't want to be the other women. But he said it was from some girl he slept with, and that it was kind of annoying. So I just decided not to ask further and just pretend that he has lots of fuck buddies.

The sex was good and he left, saying he'd call me sometime but I figured it would be the same as before - booty calls only. But that's chill.

But then Andon. Remember him? I had a massive crush on him and then he un-friended me on facebook, best described here in the New years Disappointment.

He sent me a message on facebook about how he wanted to be friends with me again. How it was a big mistake and his ex's friends pressured him into snubbing me. I figure the last thing I sent him was something like "well ok if you don't want to be friends, but btw I had really wanted to do you". So I figure he hasn't had sex since January (when his last girlfriend moved away) and he is now trying to fuck me. Fucking really?

But I'm forgiving and I haven't been able to find anyone else to jam with, and what the hey maybe I'll have sex with him because he is cute and I can keep my emotions separate and not fall for him because last time he was a jerk...right? Right. So I say we can be friends again. And I tell him I won't be calling him, if he wants to hang out he can call me. I won't be going out of my way to make this work. So he texts me right away and I had deleted his number so I didn't know who it was. But he wanted to hang out and play music and I said sure, come by after work. And he did.

He shows up and we talk for a bit and are hella awkward. And he asks if I want to smoke a bowl and I say sure so we do. And then we sit on the couch in silence. being super awkward. And then he says really fast

"Wannamakeout?cuzI'mreallyhornyandI'dliketomakeoutwithyouifyou'dliketo" and he is just sitting perfectly still looking at me saying this.

"uh...sure." and I sit for a moment not moving and then we move towards each other and we are so awkward and stiff I think we'll bump heads but we don't and our lips meet somehow. And then his hand is on my back and it feels nice and everything actually feels nice.

And when we touch I'm not really that nervous anymore because it feels good and I don't have to think about what to say or what I look like because we are kissing and that's all I can think about. I privately wonder at how weird it is that I just had sex the night before with Dick, and I'm on my period, and I'm still thinking about fucking this guy. There goes my jamming buddy. I figure I'll never see him after this. It'll be too awkward.

We somehow move to the bed and I take my shirt off and soon we're naked except for my undies and I tell him I'm on my period but I'll still do him if he doesn't mind the mess. And he doesn't mind the mess. And we start trying to but he can't keep it hard. He says this always happens the first time. He has only slept with two other people, he only lost his virginity a year ago. And I'm thinking fffuuuuccckkkk. This may not be a good idea. and I try everything to get him hard and it seems futile and I feel weird about it and I can't tell how he feels.

Every time he gets hard we put on a condom and he immediately goes soft. I am horny and high and I don't give a damn. I get him hard and ask if we can skip the condom, I'm on the rag so who cares. He says, "Ok, I trust you." And we have some sex. But his dick is small and he doesn't seem to know what to do with me. He moans a lot. So much moaning when I'm barely doing anything! But we fuck all night. But he looks into my eyes and he says my name and he hugs me afterwards and wants to cuddle. and oddly instead of being annoyed with the sweetness I want to hug hug back. It frightens me. And in the morning he and I take a shower to get the blood off and then he tries to go to the bathroom in a towel and runs into my dad. God damn it.

He drops me off at work and about 40 seconds before we get there I ask where we are, as friends.
"Oh, well, I wasn't looking for anything serious." He looks guilty. Just what I thought.
"Either was I. So we're just friends?"
"Well, I mean..."
"I just mean are we allowed to sleep with other people?"
"Yeah, I mean, I won't... but it's your body I'm not going to stop you."
I can't tell if he just can't find anyone else to sleep with, or if he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. Whatever. So done. When I go to get out of his truck he leans in to kiss me.
I hesitate and then kiss him.

SPRING

2010-03-20T00:07:00.001-07:00

Hello folks, sorry I haven't been updating much. I haven't wanted to bore you to death. It's same old same old here.

But anyways, as you may know, I am Wiccan. Which means today is a holiday for me, because today is the first day of spring. Yay spring! So happy Ostara to you!

My 3 yr old brother, Neal, has scarlet fever and had an allergic reaction to the medicine and has hives and skin peeling off his privates and is in an altogether horrid mood. Dean (the 5 yr old brother) fell off his bike and his tooth went through his lip, but he is in a good mood anyways. My dad is in a crappy mood because he has to do taxes.

Anyways...It is friday night/saturday morning and I just came back from another taco night at my co-worker's house. It was nice and very middle age-y. Except I'm in my early twenties so I want to rock out. I wanted to kick it up a notch but of course it hits like ten o'clock and two beers and everyone starts making their way home. Somehow I made plans to go out to a lame looking concert with two of the ladies tonight (as in Saturday night...because it is now Saturday). I am trying to convince them to go to the rocky horror picture show we me afterwards. I will go with or without them. But I went alone last time, I really want someone to go with me this time.

I'm planning the usual fun Ostara family stuff in the morning. I love being Wiccan but sometimes it bums me out when no one knows what Wicca is or I start explaining a holiday like Ostara and they go "oh, basically Easter, right?" and I'm like NO. EASTER IS ABOUT JUSES. FUCK YOU. Well actually that part makes me mad. I get bummed when I feel like I'm the only one though. Like I know other Wiccans but I don't have a coven like I used to so it's not the same.

I haven't been having tons of sex, or any sex actually. I got a bunch of new sex toys so I've been having fun with that. I like the glass dildo way more than I thought I would. But yeah. I went to a party last weekend and I stayed the night and I was naked hot tubbing and being my usual self, but feeling a little awkward because I didn't really know many people there. There was one dude who got me a beer and seemed into me but I kinda like his friend so I was like eeeeh, maybe not. So I just didn't let that go anywhere. Leave doors open for next time.

I've been having such male attention for a while and I didn't get as much at that party so now I feel like I should loose some weight or something. So I've been riding my bike to work once a week - it's about 9 miles each way. Takes me an hour each way. But I've been smoking pot at night and then I get hungry and eat a bunch of sweets and watch Family Guy or Torchwood or Law & Order: Criminal Intent. This is why I have not been updating.

But things will change, because it's spring!

Piano

2010-02-28T21:29:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I started this blog is to write about my crazy life, except that in writing this blog I have left out a giant part of my life - my family. So I'm going to start posting little tid bits, young memories that kind of build upon each other like stones in a fence around me.

The day we got the piano was not very special. I didn't know anything about it until my father pushed it through the door, with some help from the neighbors. There was no where to put it, so they put it in the kitchen. This was before we remodeled, so the kitchen was dark with yellowish tiles and dark brown cupboards, and a greying pink paint covering the walls like a sunburn poorly hidden. The fridge purred next to the piano and the guys wiped the sweat from their brows, hands on their hips starring at it. No one knew how to play it.

My mom got it from this meth head lesbians who had painted it white. I think it was payment for some drugs, but I'm not sure. Inside was a lovely rich brown wood with a glossy finish. The keys were made of real ivory but some of them had been peeled off, the glue still stuck on the wood on some keys. I studied each key and imagined they were portraits of men with interesting faces. The bench that we had was broken and didn't match the piano at all, but it was a bench. I itched to touch all the keys, but I was too afraid. I didn't want to make noise, I wanted to make music. My parents used the piano as a place to pile paperwork and things. It was kept closed with stuff all over it; most people didn't even realize it was a piano, they thought it was a desk or something.

I begged for lessons but my parents said no. My sister had gotten a flute for band and bailed on it after two weeks - they weren't doing that again. So I didn't get in band either, which I was bummed about. Then grandma gave us girls all tiny pianos, about 12 white keys and each key was smaller than my finger. But the keys lit up and played 10 songs. I memorized the songs and cleared off the table one day, putting the little keyboard up like a music book. I learned ode to Joy when no one was home. I played it over and over. I didn't even hear my mom come in.

She came into the kitchen with a baseball bat held back, her face a mix of fear and rage.
"Holy Jesus, Sky. Give me a heart attack."
I looked at her silently, hands still suspended over the keys.
"I thought someone broke in!" She said, throwing her hands to each side, like "duh". "I thought they must of broke in and were playing the piano, I mean no one knows how to play the piano. Were you playing the piano?"
"Ode to Joy."
"Where'd you learn that?"
"The little keyboard plays it, and I just matched it to the big piano."
She looked worried.

I would get lessons a year and a half after this, my dad thumbing through the yellow pages and calling everyone on the music store's list with his nervous fake professional voice "Hello sir, good day. I was wondering if I could inquire about piano lessons for my daughter.... Ah yes, thank you for your time, we will call you again if we are indeed interested in obtaining a lesson from your organization."
I was nervously sending my father loving thoughts as he did this. I was watching him from around the corner, my hands clenched tightly around the sleeves of my sweater.

My piano teacher lived on the outside of town past the cemetery and the Christmas tree farm. Her house was unremarkable, surrounded mostly by fields. She showed me her back garden once, and that was beautiful. It had a little pond and a platform with two chairs facing the fields, she said they called it the field room. There was a hammock hanging under some berry bushes and raised vegetable beds amidst a wildflower garden. She was tall and slim with long thick grey hair, and little laugh lines around her eyes. One look at her and you'd think, new age hippy for sure. Which pegged her. She talked like a therapist, always said I couldn't sue the word "can't", so I would say "I think I am not able to at this time" instead, which made her smile and give a disapproving look. I would actually end up confiding a lot into her, sometimes we would waste a third of the lesson talking. I still am in touch with her. I quit taking lessons when I graduated high school, I figured it was too expensive anyways.

My mom always hated the noise. She would say "if only you wouldn't play the same song over and over", "But I have to practice songs over and over to get them right", "well you asked! Why do you have to play right now?"
My dad would listen to the radio in the car and turn to me, pinching above my knee which made me jump. "Why arn't you playing like this by now?" He would smile and pretend to play the piano to some blues song.

I like playing at night when no one is listening, no one is around.

The Past Two Weeks

2010-02-27T22:40:00.000-08:00

For Valentines day I went down to visit my cousin Nate. I was going to write about it but I didn't. I just haven't felt like writing lately. We went to a bar on Friday night when I got there, and then we went to a party on Saturday night in Santa Cruz. Actually two parties. And I tried coke for the first time. We picked it up on the way in some sketch neighborhood. I stayed in the car. Nate jokingly told me where he keeps his marijuana stashed in his room, said I could have it if he died in the dealer's house. I had never looked closely at cocaine before, I'd only seen it once at this party; it had been a mountain of fine white powder. But this had little rocks and wasn't as fine. Nate "keyed" it by scooping a little onto his car key and snorting it, without chopping it finer. Looked like it hurt.
We met his friends in a sushi place. Then we went to some chick's house and played liar's dice, drank a few beers. Seemed like a nice crowd but people started clearing out kinda early and the hostess was bummed. She asked if she could come along with about six of us who were going to Dan's house. Dan is a friend of Nate. So we all went and the first thing Nate and I did was tuck into Dan's little bedroom and get the coke ready. Nate made little lines of it. We used my ten dollar bill. He showed me to roll it, put it to your nose and at the end lean your head back with the dollar straw still in. Get every drop. My hair fell into the coke when I was doing it and Nate held it back for me. "That's what family is for, holding your hair while you do lines." He said.
Funny thing is that is what my family is for.
Not everyone was doing coke but everyone was drinking and smoking pot. I had already smoked cigarettes, pot and drank two beers by the time I did the coke so I wasn't sure what I was feeling from what. Some of the guys tried to do beat boxing and raps. I mostly talked to people. Every time I come down to visit Nate he has a different set of friends, usually I come by once a year. This is the most welcoming any of his friends have been. This guy Eric was nice, and do-able but he has a girlfriend, who was also really nice. Everyone cleared out eventually and we smoked a chewy (cocaine and pot) and then did some more lines. We started watching Paris, J'taime. The sun was just beginning to rise. Nate said he was good to drive so we left. I started falling asleep in the car.
When we got up I slept for an hour and then got up to have breakfast with Alyssa (Nate's sister). It was fun seeing her, I've always liked talking to her. She works at an office and is all bussinessy and on the straight and narrow. When we got back Nate was just getting up. He told me I should nap but I didn't want to. I'm stubborn like a child. As the night fell Nate's friend came to get some pot from him and we smoked a chewy and then got into this dude's car. Two blunts were passed around as we drove. I was so out of it. I was exhausted and super stoned. When we got back I turned on some music and slept. Nate said he would wake me so we could party - I mean, it was V day, the reason I came to visit was to party with him on V day. But he never woke me. I briefly woke up around ten am and he was getting ready to go to bed, so I went back to sleep.
I left his house and went into Santa Cruz to meet with Juliette. We met and talked and went out to lunch, and then I drove home. I took a horrible route thanks to my stupid GPS. I get nervous when I'm driving unfamiliar roads. And Is till felt weird even though I was sober.

The week went by without anything special happening. On Friday I went to the Indian sweat lodge I usually go to, instead of going to the concert my friends would be at. It was good. On Sunday I met Juliette and Maria at Juliette's parent's house. The folks had gone on a trip to Tahoe so Maria was going to house sit for them. Juliette had to drive back to her place in Santa Cruz so she ate with us and then left. "Wanna hang out?" I asked Maria.
"I'm just going to my house, you can come with." She said.
I followed her, like I always follow her. I wanted it to be life before, when we were best friends. I want it. The sky was cold and grey but I like it that way. We walked behind an old factory. Maria lives with her family in a very small house; she spends most of her time in the garage, which is separate from the house. We listened to records. I texted B and she came over and sold me some pot. First time I've bought pot since high school. We talked to her while she sat in her car for a while, I could tell it made Maria uncomfortable. Be asked if I wanted to do some whipits.
I got into the car. She had to crack them for me. Whipits are the gas that is in the bottom of whip cream cans, and it comes in little bottles the size of your thumb and you can use a cracker to open them and all this cold air comes out and it makes you feel tingly and lovely for about a minute. Last time I did them was with Be years ago, with John. John and Jay and I used to do them all the time. Jay would always creep us out because he could ask me to touch his hair and his eyes would roll back in his head, and he would moan and smile in deep pleasure if anyone touched him in the slightest. He loved whipits.
Maria and I walked back to Juliette's family's home and got stoned and watched Hitchcock films. It was really fun. Be texted me to ask if I could buy booze for her (she isn't old enough) so she picked me up and afterwards I went home.

The week was really hard for me. I didn't do any preparation for my work and I couldn't concentrate. I've been laying around in bed a lot. I was late to work twice and I just feel really out of it. And emotional, probably because I was on the rag. I was having a hard day at work and no one was listening to me and I just wanted to sit down and cry. I'm kinda surprised I didn't. I felt like I was drowning all week.

Nowhere to go on a Friday night so I posted on CL, just for fun. And some guy from craigslist tracked me down using my first name and picture - matched it to facebook. When I saw the friend request I thought it was someone who I had met sometime because we had a bunch of friends in common. But turns out he was just a creep. He kept bugging me to come over and I let him because I can't say no even though I wanted to say no. And he came over and laid on my bed and offered me some pot which I smoked and then he sat there and talked to me while he touched himself and it was all kinda creepy and I was screaming in my head that I wanted him to leave. He finally did. I don't think he meant to be so creepy but it was really creepy.

I was looking forward to going to this big music concert today, it was like an all day thing. i would have had to borrow a car to get there. But I didn't really want to go alone. And as the day went on it just felt easier to stay in bed. So I invited Crissy over but then I texted her and cancelled. I know it. I don't think anyone else knows it. But I've been getting depressed again. It always starts like this, little mood swings. But all week I felt it. I just want to sleep, to dream. My appetite is going; the only food I want is sweets. I just lay in bed whenever I'm not at work. I have no close friends anymore, just many people who are friends but no one very close. No one to hang out with. To just call and chat to. I can go get laid as much as I want, I don't think it will make me feel better. In fact I don't really want to have sex. Not with a stranger at least. I just want someone to hold me. No one ever touches people anymore. I can't think of the last time an adult hugged me. Probably my dad.

The thing is I can't tell anyone and I have to hide it. I'm almost to the end of my medical exam for getting into the peace corps. All they need is a psychiatrist to sign off that my depression and ocd is fine now. If I seek help for my depression it will be an obvious sign I'm not ok and I won't get in to the peace corps. If a family member sees they will be worried and I could see my mom making problems. I just feel hopeless.

When I Lost my Glasses

2010-02-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

I was feeling confused because Andon, my crush, had removed me as a friend on facebook. I asked him why and he responded with "I want to disappear quietly". wtf. I hate not knowing what I did.

Sunday I smoked the last of my pot and rode my bike to my home town, and I saw an old friend - Karen. She became friends with my sister when they meet in 1st grade, and then she meet me and we have been friends ever since. I don't know when it happened but things changed over time. One day she was just like us, having sleep overs and crushes and doing her makeup. Then as we got older she started drinking more. She had to work to support herself because her mom went crazy. She got raped. She stated sleeping around. Started doing drugs here and there. She started hitch hiking and being gone for long periods of time. And it was all gradual, and one day I just looked at her and here she is - a homeless traveler girl, with a dog for protection. She drinks a lot. I don't want to judge but she doesn't seem happy. Maybe she was happy in the beginning but she just seemed tough and hurt and sad.

But anyways I was happy to see she was alive, and I joined her on the bench in front of the bookstore. There were about fourteen other people sitting around there. Javier and my ex Westly were playing for money. I had forgotten how much I liked Westly's voice. They were passing around some strong drink in a plastic bottle and I had some. When they had enough money we all decided to go to the pipe bridge to drink. Karen and I went to buy the whiskey. I called Maria and she joined us. We walked to the river.
"Can you cross the pipes?" Karen asked.
"uh...What do you mean?" I thought we were meeting by the pipes...
"She can, she's done it before." Maria said.

Maria went first. The pipes consist of three sets of two pipes, each holding electrical wires. The pipe bridge is about two feet wide, with spaces obviously so you have to balance on the pipes, and about 15 feet long. Karen went next, with her dog and big backpack. I was last, holding the booze in a bag. They will help me if I fall, I thought, because I have the booze. I went very slowly and wobbled. Can I make it across?
I edged slowly. The water looked very dark and calm. I almost fell and my whole body felt alarmed.
"Do you need help?" some guy asked.
"No, I can do it..." I replied weakly, "I just hate crossing this bridge."
I made it over and someone immediately relived me of the whiskey.
Karen sat down on the cement and asked me to sit too, but everyone else was standing so I did too. The whiskey and a bottle of soda were passed around. When it got to me sometimes I would take two swigs. I smoked a cigarette. The whiskey ran out. I was very drunk. Westly came over.
"I just want to tell you, I'm sorry for not talking to you all those years. It just took a while for me to get over it. I'm sorry."
"Thank you!" This meant a lot to me, I was very hurt and confused when it happened. "Thank you for apologizing. Hug?"
He nodded and we hugged. It was like removing a band aide.
I talked to some other people. I saw Maria in the back but she was already leaving. I hugged her.
I took out my pipe and tried to smoke any little specs that I had missed before.
"Can I add some to that?" Javier asked, smiling slyly.
I handed it over and he filled the bowl.
"Oh, Westly needs to hit this too. Westly!"
Westly looked up, and we pointed to the pot. He lumbered over. He could belong to the ministry of funny walks.
Someone commented on my semi-lame background on my phone. So I took a picture of the boys that were smoking and put that as my picture. We were laughing alot. Then someone said to S on the D.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"S ON THE D!!!" Everyone kept yelling it at me and some guys were pointing to their pants.
"does it mean a blowjob? Cuz I'm not giving anyone a blowjob right now."
"It just means suck on the dick, do it! Sky, just S on the D man. Be cool. S on the D." Says drunk Karen.
They continued yelling and I kept saying no for what felt like ten minutes. I was really drunk at this point though. I was holding on to a fence post to stand up, and every once in a while I would fall over anyways. I fell over for the zillionth time and put my hand out to push myself up. It landed somewhere soft and I realized my hand was in some guys lap, and he was smiling creepily at me.
Some guy was walking on the pipe bridge.
"Your going to fall in!" I yelled, worried.
"No I'm not!"
"Yeah you will!" Yelled Karen.
Splash.
"Fuck!"
He swam around in the briny water, making his way to the shore. Someone went down and helped him up the muddy slope. He was drenched and cold. Oh February. Westly had left with his girlfriend, and some other people had slipped out. Somehow another fifth of whiskey had shown up and was being passed around again.

I smiled and stood up. Karen had moved to the back fence so I went to sit next to her. At this point I was noticing this: Karen had told me she liked guy a, but he had stopped having sex with her and she wanted to get back together with him. She was sleeping with guy b and everyone knew. In fact they had sex on top of guy c because he stole their sleeping spot. And there is a giant rumor that she has genital herpes, but I don't know if this is true. But Javier, who I kinda like, was all over Karen. Javier is a few years younger than me, and Karen is a few years older than me. I felt kinda sad he liked her more than me but I let it go - I don't think I could have sex with someone that smells that bad. He isn't homeless but he is a traveler kid and I think it must be a rule that they don't shower or wash clothes - even when they are home.
But he needed somewhere to crash and so did his friend so I offered my house and Karen was kinda like "you should go with the girl who invited you to spend the night" and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean it like that. But he was drunk and didn't understand and at first he wanted to go, but then Be called and said she would pick me up. He wanted to wait for his other friend who had slipped off to get laid. We walked back downtown and Be pulled up and didn't want to wait, she grabbed me and put me in the backseat.
It was so warm in her car. She smoked pot with a chick friend in the front. The heat of the car made me want to vomit, and I couldn't keep my head up so the top of the windows whizzing pictures made me dizzy. The music made my ribs vibrate and my palms sweat. I opened the window for some relief and stuck my head out. It felt so nice. I rested my head on the window and barfed with my eyes closed. We pulled up to my house and I zig zagged up to the door, and she drove off.

I was dizzy and nauseous. I got some water and some left over pasta. I didn't want to go into the big house to use the microwave so I ate it cold, which I hate. I could barley get it down. I was on the computer for a bit doing god knows what. I couldn't find my glasses. Too dizzy to look. I went to sleep, restless. It was hard to sleep because my tummy hurt. It was winding around in knots.

Pain. I'm going to vomit. Sink. Bring trash can to bed. try water but it won't stay down. Nothing will.

The start of a two day hang over. I couldn't do anything but lay in bed feeling like I was going to die. I texted my status to facebook a few times. Cole and Javier texted me a bit, which was nice. Nice someone cared to talk to me while I was being sick. Around nightfall I started keeping down water, and that is when I realized my glasses were no where to be found. Fuckbeans. I don't have insurance. I put on my old contacts. I can't even remember where I lost them. Probably the river.

I drove back to my hometown, threw my bike (still downtown) into the back of the truck. Which was more complicated than that. I saw some dudes I knew, and the cute one was having a birthday and I felt bad because I told him I was having the worst day before he told me it was his birthday. But they helped me with my bike. Then I left them and looked at the river but it had been raining. I found the case to my camera lens. I couldn't find my glasses in the dark slippery riverbank. The blades of glass held little mirrors made of rain and they reflected every light, everything looking like the gleam of glass. No glasses could be found. Plus it was super creepy being there by myself at night and I still felt really sick.

The change in prescription made me feel sick all week. And the thought of whiskey. Oh dear.
(I re-ordered the same glasses and picked them up on Friday. Thank God.)

I'm going soft on you

2010-02-06T21:48:00.000-08:00

Yeah I know I just posted, whatever.

I am lonely. I think the sex with strangers is liberating and the right thing to do when there is just that lust between two people.

But I'm having sex with people in an attempt to feel the connection and the joy I used to feel. When it is super hot and your kissing and touching and the only thing in your mind is this. And afterwards he doesn't shake your hand and go on his way.

I just want someone to hold me. I guess I want a boyfriend, but I don't want to deal with the whole love thing. I don't want to fall in love. So I want a friend I can sleep with, but then that runs the risk of becoming more than I intended it to be. I don't want to feel this way! I'm going soft on you guys.

Here is what I am thinking for tonight's choices:
a. stay at home and eat ice cream and feel lame, possibly playing the piano but more likely watching old law & order episodes
b. invite heavy over, possibly getting drunk first
c. go to the bars and hope for the best

I went in the hot tub tonight and I looked in the mirror and frowned. With all this attention I've been getting I forgot how not skinny I am. I should lose some weight but it's so depressing to even think about. And the guys don't seem to mind, which surprises me all the time. I'm kinda worried that future guys will be concerned with the number of guys I've slept with. But that has nothing to do with tonight.

To play it safe, to risk something, or to risk it all?

Choices...

Limbo

2010-02-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to say because everything kinda weird right now. I'm in limbo with all these people.

There is one dude I haven't decided if I want to meet or not from cl, then there is Heavy - I told him I haven't decided if it is a good idea to fuck him or not. He is being very chill about it. Then there is Andon, who I haven't talked to much but his girlfriend moves away tomorrow - which means he will be single. I like him the most. Which I think is obvious by now. Coop is also around, turns out he has moved back here. But I'm not sure if he gets that I would be down to be like friends with benefits with him, but at the same time I don't want to be too obvious about it incase he gets weireded out. Then at the same time not much to lose, it isn't like we hang out a lot. And another girl and I were connecting through CL until she realized we had gone to High School together, which I think freaked her out. Which is lame because she was pretty cute and I don't even remember her from back then. I wonder what she remembers about me? I feel like there is someone I am forgetting.

Anyways, my sex life is in Limbo.

I want to go down south and get wasted for v-day. Hopefully that will happen. Otherwise it's going to be depressing.

John

2010-01-31T14:51:00.000-08:00

This post is for John.

He called me this morning. He said he is still friends with me, why wouldn't he be. and he just asked that Lynn and I stop fighting - and he said they arn't dating. Whatever. I'm going to try to stop by his work today.

But he said he was going to read the blog. This makes me nervous. Everything on here is truthful but it's weird having someone I know read it, especially because of the subject matter and the fact that he is the subject matter sometimes.

So John, if you are reading this...weird.

And for you other folks, I will have two very interesting posts sometime today or tomorrow. It's been a weird weekend.

Heavy

2010-01-31T14:22:00.000-08:00

I've been naming people after their e-mail address. So this dude is named Heavy. He is one of the CL dudes. He sent me a pic of himself in army fatigues. He is blond with short hair and blue eyes. He said he wanted to chat a bit before we meet up so he gave me his number and we texted each other. Here is how it ran:

Me: hi
Heavy: Hi. My name is ***** by the way. How are ya?
Me: I'm good, just chatting to people and listening to modest mouse.
Heavy: I'm listening to the Kings of Leon.
Heavy: So you are looking for a fwb?
Me: Kind of. Just a one time thing and if its really good we could do a fwb
Heavy: Sounds good. What type of one time thing would you be looking for? Is there a fantasy in mind or circumstance?
Me: I'm not sure. I'm kinda new to this. Is there something you had in mind?
Heavy: It would seem you need a guide. Someone who can make you comfortable, and make you feel sexy. Maybe we meet up and keep the chit chat minimal, and focus on glances and restraint. Teasing.
Me: You sound awesome
Heavy: I can give you what you want, but more to the point, I can show you what you want. I'm slow and easy taking in every moment and dragging out the impulse to lose control.
Heavy: You can remain in control and still lose yourself in the moment. Are you 420 friendly?
Me: Yeah
Heavy: You're in luck. So tell me something about you.
Me: What would you like to know?
Heavy: What ever you think a perspective sex partner should know. Don't be bashful, it will dull your experience.
Me:I am shy in person. When it comes to sex I like it a little rough.
Heavy: Good girl.
Heavy: That's a big piece of the puzzle. The more pieces I find the better the sex gets. You ever considered being a submissive?
Me: Actually yes, but my friend that I was going to try it with lives in L.A. and I don't have a car.
Heavy: I could train you from time to time. So you live nearby?
Me: Yeah.
Heavy: I think we will hit if off tomorrow.

So tomorrow came and I got up early to go meet him. We were supposed to meet at Starbucks, which I chose because I never go there. But I had been talking to this other guy about meeting there too, but I had changed my mind and couldn't get ahold of him - in short, I was afraid both guys would be there. Awkward to say the least. So I switched it to the smoothie place next door.
When I ordered my smoothie I turned around and there was a man staring at me very intently. He was wearing a button up plaid blue shirt, very cowboy-ish.
"Do you like table top arcade games?" He motioned to the pac man game they had there.
"I haven't played them much." I said.
I sat down across from him and looked down at the arcade game. Little flashing lights and a tune playing that clashed with the dance music playing in the smoothie place.
He had tattoos all over his arms. They weren't full on sleeves because there were spaces between the tattoos. His hands were even tattooed. I can't even remember what was said. I usually go for medium or lean/athletic build guys. This guy is a tad bit heavier but he was so charismatic. I wanted to keep talking to him. In that moment I was thinking "My life amazes me. How much luckier could I get?"
He asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. I said sure but then we ran into the problem of where. I couldn't go back to my place in the middle of the day and expect privacy - my mom had been bothering me all morning. And my siblings are very young and loud. He suggested we go to a park. He leaned and looked me in the eyes.
"I would like to fuck your brains out right now, I just don't know where we would go."
And that's when I realized he was talking about more than smoking today.
"I'm not in High School anymore, I like being inside."
"Oh you were that girl in High School?"
"Yeah, but I didn't sleep around. I had sex in lakes, parks, beds, bathrooms..."
"Anywhere starting with the letter b..."
I laughed.
"You don't seem shy."
"I'm shy about...certain things."
"Oh, 'certain' things." We both knew I was saying sex.
"Well, I'll give you this. There is more where that came from. And text me when you want to get together."
He handed me a nugget wrapped in plastic.
"Will do."
He put his arms out for a hug and I gave him a brief one.
We both started walking away.
"I don't want to leave you right now, ugh."
I laughed, "Goodbye."
He texted me five minutes later. I was practically giddy. So happy.
"Are you going to text me again or have I scared you?"
"I'll text you."
"I really want to come over right now. You've got me all hot and bothered"
hmmm, weird. I didn't actually flirt with him much. How was he 'hot and bothered' by our little hello?
"We should have made out."
ick.
"Should I come over?"
"Not now."

I'm not sure if it is my doubts or what. Like I have a feeling I would have to have a conversation with him and he might actually try and make me cum, which is very embarrassing for me for some reason. I know when I met him and right afterwards I thought it was the best thing ever and I felt super lucky. But by the time he finished texting me I was not so sure. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm not sure if it will be a really good idea or really bad idea. I wish I knew! I liked his personality when I talked to him but now I'm not sure. And he seemed neither ugly nor attractive - I didn't feel that excitement when you meet someone you really want to fuck.

To fuck, or not to fuck - that is the question.

My Life is très awesome

2010-01-30T22:10:00.000-08:00

I can't believe my life is so awesome.

Some guy had the word fries in his e-mail address and at the time I couldn't remember his name so I put him in my cell as Fries. So Fries was one of the guys who I responded to from Craig's List. He seemed cute enough. He gave me his number, said he would be free after eight so I texted him. and he texted back.

We met in front of a pizza parlor. I walked there and he drove. He stepped out of his old white car, "Hi."
"Hello"
"Did you walk here?"
"Yeah, I live just down the way" I pointed.
"Wanna go back to your place?"
"Shuuuure."
and into the car we went.
He asked about my house and I said it is a studio and left it at that. He parked behind my dad's car.
"Do a lot of people live here?"
"No, not really." I led the way up the path to my door.
I turned off the outside light as we went in and locked the door to the rest of the house, he locked the front door. I put my hair up and said something about my place being messy. I asked if he had done this before and he said "Yeah, a few times. I've met some interesting people." He took off his glasses, i took off mine.
He kissed me. Standing up he was much taller than me. I was in heels and he still had to lean down. I'm not going to lie, I was feeling nervous. I started thinking and then I told myself no - stop thinking. Just. stop. thinking.
"Wanna hit the lights?" He asked.
So I did.
"Lead the way." He said.
I led him to my bed and he sat down, pulling me onto him.
He kissed me passionately, his hand on the back of my head. I kissed him back. Kisses amaze me because they are so personal, everyone has a different kiss. His used very little tongue but still managed to feel lusty. Full mouth kiss. We took off our clothes quickly.
At first I had wondered why he wanted the lights off - I have never had a guy make that request before, they usually want to see everything. But I immediately could see the benefits of it. You become much less focused on how you look and how the other person looks - it is all about how it feels. Which is nice.
He pulled out a condom right away. Not much foreplay. He guided himself into me, with me on top. We kept having this problem of him slipping out but we just laughed it off after the second time. It felt very carefree. He had short hair so I couldn't grab it, so instead I held on to his back, running my fingers across it I kissed his neck a gave it a nibble. I was careful not to mark him though. He got on top of me.
It was fairly good sex considering that it was a one night stand. He didn't quite figure out how I wanted it until the end though, which was a bit disappointing. I did get to try a position I've been wanting to get better at - him sitting up and me facing away from him. That was fun. Doggy style was a bit painful at first, which sometimes happens, but then I just changed the angle of my hips and I was reminded of why I liked that position so much. But in the end it came back to him on top, with my legs up. My favorite position. I like how it feels and I like the weight of a man on top of me, I like to see their shoulder and arm muscles working, I like grabbing their butts.

It was pleasant. Afterwards he threw away the condom and kissed me, putting on his clothes. I put my shirt on. I wasn't sure what the etiquette was here.
"It was nice meeting you." He said, reaching out to shake my hand as he went out the door.
"Nice to meet you too." I said, smiling.

What Should I Do?

2010-01-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the whole Lynn thing that happened this morning. It made me wonder if the risks of having the blog are worth it. I risk embarrassment and harassment. Losing friends (but were they really friends?).

I enjoy being honest. I like writing, I like writing about my life openly and honestly and thinking that someone is reading it. It is better than writing a journal because of the feedback I get. I know that not a ton of people read this blog but I get e-mails from time to time and I like that connection I get with people.

Maybe the sex is what bothers people. I wonder if I should try to stop being so sexual. (or at least try, can I stop?). Maybe I should focus on traveling. Re-focus on learning languages and playing piano and moving far from here.

What will make me happiest?

My goal I think is to finish filling the hole in the archives by the end of February, and maybe take some new precautions on making this anonymous. Looks like I'll be changing some people's names. I think I'll get a new e-mail too.

Well in other news I posted on CL last night because I was bored and I got a few interesting responses so hopefully at least one of those will be doable. I posted "looking for a gentleman who can fuck". haha. Only lame part of it was when I responded some of them used my e-mail to look me up on facebook. awkward.

Bad way to start the day

2010-01-30T13:23:00.000-08:00

So of course someone found out about this website and I shall give you an exact transcript. This marks the day I started using code names instead of real names, btw.

Lynn
theres a reason why John doesnt answer your phone calls...its because you annoy the hell out of him and he loves me ....stop posting shit online about how you think he wants to have sex with you hes not interested in you get it through your big head...you are hella delusional ...you are very two faced thats not a good quality to have ...if all you have to write about online is my boyfriend then thats sad get a life...stop trying to be a home wrecker you assface...also stop talking about Johns drug use online that shits just not right let him have some fucking dignity....you would have a better sex life if your personality wasnt so ugly....

Sky
Lynn, I am guessing from this that you found my website. It's anonymous and if he wanted I could change his name on there. And obviously my sex life is fine. When I wrote that John wasn't dating you and the only reason I thought he wanted to have sex with me is because he asked to have sex with me. We've been talking about having a threesome for years, before he even knew you. I wouldn't do anything with John while he is dating someone. I'm not in love with John and I don't want to date John. We've always been friends.
If John thinks that about me he should get some balls and tell me. I call because he is my friend. If he doesn't want to be friends he should tell me. I figured he stopped calling because he always stops calling when you two are dating.
And I'm not two faced, I'm honest. Look who sweet talks me one second and then sends me nasty messages the next?

Lynn
im not sweet talking you i was trying to be your friend you have no interest in being friends with me your just trying to get close with john... you would feel the same way if you thought someone was trying to be your friend too and then you found out all that shit...its just lame i'm tired of trying with you dude....you should just get all of that crap out of your head ...its not going to happen dear

Lynn
also john doesnt call you not cause hes with me ...he doesnt call you because "your not a cool person"....direct quote

Sky
I would like to be frinds with you but every time I try you think i am trying to make a move on John and you get hella jealous! if he loves you nothing will ever happen with me so why are you worried? I will NEVER do anything with him while he is dating someone. the only reason I wanted to have sex with him he is because i've been experimenting and its nice to do with someone you trust, and he was SINGLE and HE ASKED TO. I didn't even bring it up! He did! I don't find him attractive - I just like his personality. and I like yours. Why can't you accept that?

Sky
and like i said, if he thinks that about me he should call and tell me.

Lynn
Johns not that rude

Sky
it's not being rude - it's being honest

What's wrong with me?

2010-01-25T01:52:00.000-08:00

Tonight I have been making conclusions, and I have been thinking.

1. I desperately want people to like me.
2. I am always trying to get laid, even if I don't like the person that much.
3. My moods change rapidly from very happy to very sad, seldom in the middle. Sometimes I don't know why it changes.
4. I constantly feel the need to divulge information that I should probably keep to myself.
5. I am usually thinking about sex or thinking of a way to get laid.
6. I've applied to join the peace corps - the only thing that really keeps me here is the thought of getting laid. The only reason I would stay is if I started sleeping with someone and they asked me to stay.
7. Almost always what I want to say or do is inappropriate. So I restrain myself. But the more I let loose the more I am afraid people will think bad of me.

So I don't really know what this means. I would like to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and John before I leave - but why? May is about experimenting with someone I feel comfortable with. Coop is I guess because I wanted to sleep with him before and I didn't and then I regretted it, but that was like a year ago so he might not even be interested anymore. Andon has a girlfriend until the end of this month and I'm not sure he is interested either. Mixed signals. He came over today and only stayed for like three hours. We didn't even play music. We just listened to music on the computer and we didn't talk much. I could sense he was getting bored but he doesn't say a whole lot so I just have to monologue and make it funny. And I started talking and hoping it would be funny but it wasn't and he said he would come back soon blah blah and left.

John is a whole other story. I never really wanted to have sex with him until recently, and then it is only like kinda. Like I would if I could but I won't press it. Because of all the people I have been friends with in my life John has always been the most understanding and the least judgemental. He is the only person i can really be myself around - and he likes me (as a friend). I find that amazing. I think that's why I would sleep with him even though I don't find him physically attractive (he's not ugly, just not my type). Maria is my best friend but I know I can easily lose her friendship if I do the wrong thing. I always have to check myself. And the funny thing is I don't think she would see it that way. But then again she doesn't see the real me, does she?

I don't know why I am so emotional, I figure I will always be this way. Why do I act so inappropriately? Why do I say the wrong things? I can't seem to help myself. I tell people I barley know about my sexcapades and being raised by drug addicts. I used to be very touch-y, in that I touched people all the time. When I was talking to them or saying hello. But I realized it made people uncomfortable so I stopped. I don't know why I am so sexual either. Sometimes I love it, it feels like it is such a big part of who I am. But sometimes I just feel like a creep. Like some pervert. I know that even people I am friends with might think I am weird for it. I can't tell them what I'm doing, what I am thinking - because I'm a creep. The weird thing is sometimes when I get drunk and have sex it isn't even about the actual pleasure from the act - I usually want them to get in and get done and tell them to give up on making me cum. I just like the feel of another person.

Private parts

2010-01-24T00:57:00.000-08:00

I decide to give myself a break. from the mundane, from life.
I can smell the scent on my skin.
I smell of longing like this night smells of rain.
I trim my nails, take my hair down from the bun it is usually in.
I get my pink pipe out of my box of fun. There is just a tiny bit left.
Three puffs. I feel the air leaving me, watch the smoke spread out.
Off with the pants. My blue panties with the peace sign on the butt.
Off with the shirt, unclasp the bra.
My waves of brown hair fall bellow my breasts.
I lay out my toys like instruments for a doctor.
I lay back on the bed. My skin feels extra sensitive, tingly.
My head is filled with smoke. I can't think; I can only feel.
I caress my breasts, pull my hair, trail my fingers across my stomach to my thigh.
I grab the slim purple toy, turn it on. Gently.
My left hand guides the toy and my right hand goes down too.
And this is what I fantasize:

We are walking on the college campus, during the late afternoon. He is my friend and has been. Lazy stroll under the trees and past the pink flowers lining the trail to the parking lot. He is holding a boombox, which is playing a song called general specific.
One look and he kisses me. I'm not sure if I'm surprised. My hand reaches to the back of his head and I pull the kiss closer. He wraps his arm that is holding the boom box around me and I feel the music resting against me. His hair is wavy, almost curly and a piece of it sways in front of his glasses and he pushes it back, looking at me with questioning eyes. I grab his hand, feeling the calluses as I tug him. This way.
We quickly descend the stairs and go into the hallway on the right, third room. "This is a good place," I say. We go into the room, it is small. A piano room, with nothing but a piano and a small desk. I shut the door. "What if someone hears? What if they come in?" he asks. There is no lock. "We''ll just have to make some music." I smile. I turn up the boombox. It plays atlas by battles. He kisses me and gives in, sinking into the kiss. The warmth of his hands, his body pushing me into the piano. His arms wrap around me; his kisses are insistent, his tongue slides deeper. My hands explore, reaching under his white shirt and running across his chest and up to his shoulders. His hand awkwardly reaches up my shirt, tentatively hoovering at my breast before reaching under my bra and plucking the red rose colored nipple. He undoes the clasp of my white bra, and he leans down to kiss my breasts then up until his lips run across my neck, finding their way back to meet my lips. More kisses. The beat quickens. He pushes harder, his cock feels hard underneath his blue jeans. He reaches under my dress and I feel his fingers searching my lady parts, feeling my wetness. He pushes the panties down casually. I undo the button of his pants and pull them down. He pulls my dress up over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my heels. His mouth is open as his eyes go up and down me. The music has slowed. Then he lifts me up onto the desk, and I lean back against the piano and the wall. His hand reaches back through my hair and he pulls me in as he kisses me, and I feel his hard cock push against my thigh. I touch it with one finger.
He thrusts his cock into me. All I feel is him. The beat quickens. He is touching me and I am watching his face. His kisses. A class gets out and we can hear the hallway fill with students. He is thrusting harder and I grab him and pull him deeper. He leans down to kiss me and my breasts push against his chest. The beat rises with anticipation. It is neither hard nor faster but everything is more sensitive, like suddenly we feel everything. His hands slide up me and his face is lost in pleasure. I wrap my arms around his shoulders, clutching onto him. I can hear doors in the hall opening and shutting. He leans up. His thrusts become faster and the music reaches for climax. He pounds into me urgently, asking for everything. I feel his cock swell and he lets out a groan, his mouth open and eyes closed and then I too am lost as everything tightens and suddenly all my sensations intensify and I feel everything, wave after wave of release. Surrender. He falls onto me, slightly damp with sweat and he breathes heavily, resting his head on my shoulder.
We quickly pull our clothe back on, and holding hands we slip out of the piano room casually. We smile to each other as we leave.

Other fantasies include: two ladies (usually one needs persuading), said two ladies being spotted by a guy who stays spying on them and masturbates without them knowing he is there, a lady doing a catholic priest (or someone else who has taken a vow of chastity), giving John a blow job (the risk being he is my friend), a cowboy/farmer type taking me asking me if I need any help with a flat tire on a dirt road (or something stupid like that)- and he is very helpful, a complete stranger just coming up and kissing me and then we go off to fuck - never saying a word to each other (maybe a beginning line like, 'you look beautiful' or more commonly 'hello'), and sometimes guys I like feature a part (in the one above, the guy or may not have been Andon) but mostly I don't fantasize about people I know or even celebrities - it just feels weird. And yes I am aware I completely love the idea of doing it somewhere where you can get walked in on, and of 'persuading' or 'corrupting' someone - 'I don't know if this is a good idea' *kiss in the right place* 'don't stop!'. When I masturbate I almost always have music on, unless I am in the shower.

So I laid around for a few minutes and then starting typing this. Next I think I am going to play the piano, and then have some more fun with myself. The music that is playing is wonderful, I can feel it like fingers brushing my face and hair. Right now Iron & Wine (The Creek Drank The Cradle, not the new stuff), which feels like kisses on my neck and shoulder. Everything feels lovely, everything feels light like air and brighter like candles in paper lanterns. It is like I can feel everything like I feel my sweater, how it runs against me - but this is air, light, music. I feel them like diving into a pool and feelings the water run it's hands over your most dangerous and private parts.

NERDY POST: apples

2010-01-22T23:50:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I just do a nerdypost and go on about some subject.

Hello apples.

Plants use humans to their advantage - compare us to the bee, who thinks he is getting the best of the deal from flowers ...but really, plants are using the bee to reproduce. Same thing with humans. Apples taste good, and by appealing to our senses they have spread around the world.

The apple started in the forests of Kazakhstan. There are apple forests there, where apples grow wild, but most types of apples are inedible. From Asia the apple traveled both east and west, and "eating apples" became popular. Apples were brought to the New World as well. This is where it gets interesting.

It was a law in some areas of what is now the U.S. that settlers would have to plant a few fruit trees, to show they were staying. Johnny Appleseed became famous because he would go out a little ways and start orchards and then a few years later when settlers came he would sell them the saplings. He got quite rich.

Since most apples are inedible or at least taste bad the only way to get good eating apples is to do grafting - cloning the old plant by putting one of the old tree's buds onto the new tree. Now you have a clone of the original. But the interesting thing is Johnny Appleseed was this purist and he thought it was best not to mess with god's creations. So he planted seeds. In each apple every single seed is different from each other and the parent fruit. This is a way that the fruit adapts to environments. Because of this adaptation you can have a delicious apple and plant it's seeds and get no good eating apples.

So settlers end up with all these inedible apples. There was a shortage of clean drinking water, and so the setters used the apples to make cider. It turns out that the best apples for making alcoholic cider and actually the bitter inedible apples they all had. Everyone started doing it! President Adams drank it with breakfast every morning. But then drinking and public drunkenness went up and there was a public outcry against alcohol, and cider especially. Protesters actually went out and chopped down apple trees. This was the beginning of the prohibition movement, outlawing alcohol. The farmers who had hard cider orchards could no longer make cider, since it was against the law. So they had to change their market, and they planted seeds and kept their eyes out for good eating apples. When they found a good apple they would use grafting to clone the eating apple, and they would make all of their trees that one kind of eating apple. They would name it and keep cloning trees with the goal of selling their apples nation wide. This is how we got the varieties you see in the store - Fuji, Red Delicious, Honey Crisp, Granny Smith, Pink Ladies, etc.

But if you are cloning all these apples and not allowing them to evolve, problems like disease, bacteria and pests have a chance to catch up and break through the apple's defenses. If you know anything about potatoes, same thing happened with them during the potato famine. So farmers use pesticides and throw billions of dollars of chemicals on these apples — that we eat.

Thankfully some people see the obvious solution — let the apples evolve! Some farmers have apple collections with over 5,000 different types of apples and they use them to breed and to experiment with, in the hopes of using some of the apple's natural defenses against pests. I would hope that farmers would cross breed randomly, but customers want the specific varieties of apples they are used to. So instead farmers are genetically modifying popular apples, adding new genes to help their defenses.

I think we should just embrace the diversity of apples. One farmer realized he couldn't compete with the big corporations making popular apples, so he switched to antique eating apples which are good for eating, but not sweet like the ones in the store. Most apples are not very sweet, but the ones that became popular are super sweet. The farmer grew all of these apples of varying sizes, colors, textures, acidity levels and sweetnesses. Some even had backdrops, like one had a nutty flavor. But he couldn't make a living selling them so he went back to growing good old fashioned hard cider apples — and oddly enough the best apples for hard cider taste horrible.

Apples have intertwined their history with ours, and by using us they have spread almost everywhere we have. They started out in just a small forested area in Kazakhstan and by tempting our desire for sweetness they have assured that their seeds will be grown and their species will thrive.

I just find this all amazing. How the apple changes and how we help and hinder that process, the varieties, what they can be used for. And can you imagine apple forests? Seriously, a forest of apple trees. I got all of this information from the documentary "Botany of Desire", based on the book by Michael Pollan.

Fucking Fridays

2010-01-22T22:42:00.001-08:00

I hate fuckin friday nights. Because I am almost never fucking, and that is what I would really rather be doing.
Instead I am being bored and sitting in my bed listening to music.
Trying to decide if I should get a new sex toy.
I want someone to repair the one I have but that's kinda weird. Like, "Do you fix these?" or even "here, this has been inside of me. Make it work so I can put it inside me again." Just weird.
But anyways I'm bored.
Andon said he might hang out but never texted me again. Damn, another flake.
I can't get ahold of John, still.
Be is working.
I don't want to bother with my hometown crew because they hang out outside and it's cold.
SO I'm at home being bored.

Yesterday was thursday but randomly Ethan came over, it was cool. I was worried because sometimes on-line friends don't translate to real life friends, and even though I have met him before it is vague in my memory and we became friends through facebook. But he was hella chill. He is smart and good at talking. He ranted about Twilight and made fun of the customers at the cafe he works at. And then Be came over too, randomly. Ethan and I smoked some pot before she came, and then when she came she wanted to smoke so we broke in my new pipe. Ethan came and sat between us on the couch and the three of us talked and Be and I had a beer.
When Be said it was two in the morning my draw dropped, I thought maybe midnight. Time flies.
Ethan went home and Be made herself a stronger drink and asked me to smoke again but I was feeling warm and giggly and tired because now it was almost five in the morning and I work and such. So I said no and she left, and I wasn't even worried about her driving because I know she can drive really well even high.
I know this little description o my thursday night seems stupid because it doesn't end in sex or explosions, but it was cool because two friends came and hung out and we just chilled. I've never had people randomly come over and chill at my house. My house is becoming a chillin house. SO BOMB. I wish people would just show up randomly all the time. It would be so awesome.

I think I'm going to try to make the best of the night. Chocolate and an old movie?

Up down and all around

2010-01-20T01:06:00.000-08:00

I dragged myself out of bed on Monday so I could spend the day downtown. Maria was supposed to meet me at 10 but she wasn't home or answering her cell, turns out she lost it.

I went to the coffee&tea company and played the piano while my tea cooled, and then I went to the art store and got some new pens and some other stuff. Then I went to the antique shop - I was walking by and decided to go in. I found this old photograph of a bunch of hick people and there is one girl who looks pissed. And I liked it. So I got that and I got this compact that still has makeup in it, but when the makeup is gone I'll use it for something else. And I got a pipe - ever since Be said she would like to get me one I have wanted to own one. It is very solid and pink. But anyways I got the books my mom wanted and I went out to my favorite Thai place and then I saw Maria across the street, having coffee with her boyfriend.

She was acting funny, said she decided not to meet up with me because it was raining. She seemed high. I showed her the photograph and the compact and she smelled it - perfumed. And she liked the pipe, told me it would change colors. She shifted from side to side. Then Javier and his buddy came up to us. They were going to play for money on the street again. Hoping to go to Santa Cruz. Maria wanted to finish her coffee date so I went to hang out with the dudes. They sang and quickly I learned the lyrics to most of their stuff, since it is all blues/folk covers. I drew and talked to them all day. We walked to the drugstore at some point to get some throat medicine for Javier, and someone dropped a joint into the guitar case when they were playing for money so we went to a hilly bank on the river and smoked.

It made me quiet and my muscles burned and ached. Warmth and aching rolling through everywhere. I tried not to laugh too much. We sat there for a long time. Eventually we went back to play for more money but no one was around. I almost stepped in to a puddle and I gave out a loud involuntary shriek. And then I couldn't stop laughing. It was dark out and rainy. Then we went to eat and their friends called and said it was time to drink some whiskey. So we went to water street and there was about twelve people, mostly nineteen or twenty year olds. And up walks my ex, Westly. We had a complicated relationship - I was his first love, and I didn't want to love him but I eventually did. And then he dumped me, without explanation, and without ever talking to me again. He is the first guy I liked for his personality. It took me way too long to get over him, almost as long as we had been going out actually. But anywho...

There is one other person of legal drinking age so she buys the booze but I don't throw down. We all go under the D street bridge to drink. Nicky is there; she is small and tough, though she doesn't look it. She used to hang out with me back in the day - but another story for another day. K.C. was there (the asshole who is sometimes nice, but mostly an ass). The rest of the people I somewhat recognized but they were freshmen when I was a senior at high school so I never really hung out with them and I felt kinda out of place. The new generation of downtown kids. I drank half a beer (natty ice) and gave the rest to K.C. Javier looked out of it and there was no one there I would want to have sex with. K.C.'s ok looking but such an ass. They had two handles of whiskey and two pipes going around.

Westly and I had this crazy long and friendly conversation. He was so polite, he always had been but I had forgotten. It's funny because I'm not really attracted to him anymore - his dress, his politics, his friends - I mean it doesn't match up with me. But he leaned in to hear me and I could smell him and I smiled, because that is one of the things I loved. And I know that would never change. He was a great lay. And had great equipment. But I didn't want none of that.
The whole time we were talking I wanted to tell him about what happened after he left me. With Jay I mean. But I didn't. The conversation was going so well. And what could he do about it? It wasn't his fault. I guess part of me always blamed him. I liked how he awkwardly paused in the middle of a story were he had to mention an ex. I wanted to laugh. It's been almost four years, we've both dated other people. He talked about brewing his own beer - does every guy around here do that? He also talked about some dream of his which I can't remember but I just thought "I am so glad I don't have to pretend to support a boyfriend's stupid dreams". Which sounds kinda mean but I always got the ones who wanted to become rock stars or something - be realistic dude. I asked him why he was so mean after we dated, why he wouldn't talk to me. He asked me not to bring it up, he said he wanted us to keep having a good time and that would ruin it. Then suddenly we heard a noise.

Suddenly a flashlight points down.
COPS!

I quickly pull out my wallet and shove my I.D. in my panties. No fucking way I am getting arrested for being with these kids. I did not even buy the booze. No way. I'll say I'm 17. I try to figure out what year I would have been born in case they ask but I'm stoned and my brain won't function so I ask Javier.

"How many people are down there?"
"Six!"
"Well come out and line up, you know the drill"

We line up.

"Who yelled six?"
"Me" says some guy
"You nee to re-learn your arithmetic. There are 15 of you kids."
"Sorry sir, he never finished school"
There were two cops. The one in charge was balding and had his hands in his belt.
"You kids don't have a place to hang out? Homeless?"
"Combination of those."
"Well I don't want to get you kids in trouble. Just go over by the peninsula over there."
We all trudged off without question. The city's police are not known for being this nice. Usually they are dicks. I couldn't believe my luck.

The peninsula was quiet and cold and you could see a ways in any direction. I liked the way the water smelled like the ocean. The wind was freezing. I chatted for over an hour. Javier saw his bus and tried to run to catch it but missed it. I felt sober enough and decided to go home. All these kids were wasted and I'm not really friends with any of them.

I drove home and it was quiet.

I went to bed and it was just big and cold and I thought, I wish someone was here with me. Today I got up and did the whole work thing. Came home to nothing. I bought some ice cream but it gave me a migraine. Why do I always forget that this brand gives me migraines? I feel sad. I don't know why. The funk. It might be all the pot and booze. Or could just be my mind breaking over the sex and lack of friends. Or just my crazy emotions. Who knows? I want more friends to hang out with but I'm not sure how to go about that. And I want to have sex with May, Coop, Andon and kinda Javier but I don't know if any of those will come to pass. And actually I have been wanting to sleep with John, since he mentioned the threesome idea again. Maybe I just want someone who will hold me afterwards, but someone I won't have to date. I can't get ahold of him though so who knows.

My mood has been up and down and all around. I just keep looking for a band aide. I don't know what's going to happen next. I just don't know.

When I forget, you remind me

2010-01-18T00:58:00.000-08:00

The party wasn't going to happen and I was watching Numb3rs, comfortably in my bed when I get a text.
Oh god, I hope it isn't the HS dude again, he already tried the booty call thing and I turned him down.
But no, it's Be. She just got off work - it's 3 in the morning. She wants to come over and drink.

She comes in and I hug her. She has been dying her hair since she was twelve and right now it's a dark red, almost purple. Maybe it's a brown red. She has pale skin and her blue eyes shine. She is a little taller than me, skinny with wide hips and pouty lips. She is wearing a purple plaid shirt and a green leather jacket. She comes in talking quickly, cigarette in one hand and pulling her phone out of her beige purse.
"You wouldn't believe - my mother, she came to my work tonight. And I was like what the fuck am I supposed to do, but she's my mom right? So she comes to my work and tells me this guy, she's been staying in his garage, he beat her up. So she's staying in this guy's garage, you know Christopher - his mom had a stroke or something but she can talk. So she is staying in his garage and sometimes she calls me and tells me like 'oh the garage is cold can I crawl into your window?' and she's my mother, right? But what can I do? I want to help her, but really I don't want her to come in. My dad wouldn't want her in. I was supposed to see her Christmas eve and my dad kept telling me to not make her problems my problems, ya know? He was worried but I didn't go to see her. But it was like Christmas eve, and he didn't want me to be upset, but she's my mother. She sent me this text like 'oh I don't want to be a burden' but like she's totally being a burden and she said ' oh I'll just go and I'll borrow your jeans' and I'm like dude, those are my jeans, and she won't even fit in them. Right? But whatever dude. She is homeless an' stuff but she looks good, she's been having three meals a day and shit. At work the security guy was like 'Be, you're mom's here' and I was like fuck. she had these bruises all on her arms and she told me the guy beat her up. she was gonna stay in my car for a bit. and the whole time I was working I was hella stressing out. Like I want to help her but what can I do? But she's my mom and I feel bad, cuz I don't call her all the time or anything. But she left before I got out and I was kinda relieved, ya know?"
She goes on like this for a while. We make our way over to the booze.
I bought a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum, Smirnoff's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey.
"I fuckin' hate whiskey" Be grabs the rum.
She's brought her own chaser, a big thing of Pepsi. She drinks straight from the rum bottle. Some rum, some soda. Rum soda, soda rum. She grimaces when she drinks it, like I know I do.
I pour a small glass of Orange juice and add some vodka. I sit down with her and we drink. I tell her about Andon; she thinks it's shady that he has a girlfriend that he isn't that committed to. We go outside so she can smoke. She tells me she has had sex with four guys, but one guy in New York almost had sex with her but they didn't have a condom so they just fooled around.
"He wanted to stick it in and he was like 'oh I'll pull out' and all that shit but I'm not stupid, I know about pre-cum, so I said you ain't stickin' that thing in me" she waved her finger around as she said it.
Be is comforting in a way, because we are fucked up in similar ways. She is usually loud and inappropriate, which I can be too. When I'm drinking that gets worse, but I swear it gets better for her. Or maybe it's when she smokes pot is gets better.
"Hey Sky, you want the Mary Jane?"
She pulls out a pipe that has a very angular shape. We smoke. She doesn't have the best quality weed, but it is free and I am a light weight. I am very stoned. Be has drank quite a bit of rum very quickly. I know I'm not finishing my drink tonight. I take some pictures of her, she has always been very photogenic. We are being goofy. But at this point the pot takes over and I'm having one of those body highs and I can't really talk so mostly I just nod and sometimes I can understand her but most of the time I am spacing out and I have no idea what she is talking about. I smile and look interested. She is venting mostly. I think? I want to draw her but I don't really want to move my limbs.
"You look cross eyed"
It's 6 in the morning, I can't keep my eyes open.
She goes out for another cigarette, I want to sleep. Instead I clean up the glasses, put away the booze. She sounds like she wants to take the party up a notch but I want to go to bed.
I lay down as she comes in. She wants to drive home but I ask her to crawl into bed with me. We both sleep in all of our clothes.
We wake up around 3 in the afternoon.
We decide to go out for breakfast.
We go to a dinner that serves gigantic proportions. We get biscuits and gravy with eggs, sausage and hash browns. She gets a giant orange juice and I get hot chocolate and a giant water. When we talk she laughs louder than necessary and she cusses a lot. When I am around her I cuss more.
When we leave she says something about the sex shop in town, and I say I've never been to it. She yanks the car quickly to the other lane and turns sharply so we can go to the shop. It has all sorts of dildos, dolls, books, lubes, costumes, ect. It is rather large. It surprised me. They have a book that has pick up lines and sex talk in many different languages. I've been wondering how to talk about sex in Spanish. They have a giant dildo that is bigger than my hand. And little those little balls that you stick in your vagina for vagina exercise but they vibrate when you clench and the sales lady says she wears them during the day, just like around town and stuff. I wonder if she has them in right now. I'm defiantly coming back some time.
Be gives me a brand new pair of converses. Wow. I am surprised because she doesn't do that very often. They are so awesome, I need to get some jeans to wear with them.
When I get home I can't imagine staying inside. I tell my mom I am going to see John and I go back to my hometown. Really I can't get ahold of John. I stop by his work just to be sure and he isn't there. I text Maria and Sadie but neither answer. So I go downtown and walk around. I sit in my secret spot and sing to myself and drink the bitter tea I bought. Then I go to listen to the street musicians on the corner. One is cute. Grungy but cute, with a lip piercing. I like piercings.
He plays the banjo and his friend plays the guitar and they sing in a very blues or country kind of way. They look like punks though. They are 19, from two towns up. They will be here tomorrow too. I talk to the cute one. I like him. He is very nice. He has those eyes that are saying something. I want to do him. His name is Javier. I tell him I used to hang out here more, even though I don't look it. I'm wearing my hair in a bun, dark red lipstick, glasses and a black dress with flats and a button up coat. I know I look like a librarian or something. He says they are just clothes. He says they are saving to hitch hike to Santa Cruz. I tell him my friends do that sometimes, and I drop Maria's name. He knows her. He seems surprised I know her. Instant credit, I love her for this - everyone knows her. He went to the bluegrass festival I went to a while back. He used to listen to punk but now he is into folk. We are both hung over. We smile.
It's been raining all day. He has strep throat. He is going to walk to somewhere to crash with his friend. He asks if he will see me tomorrow. I say maybe. As I am leaving he asks for my number. yyeessssss. I give it to him and he calls me so I can save his number. He shakes my hand twice as we say goodbye. I like him.

I drive home happy. I can't wait to go back tomorrow. When I get home the fire place is warm. I grab the dog leash and go out into the rain with our dog Hank. We run around for an hour, me singing to the darkness with my ipod on shuffle. I laugh as we run, my glasses are fogging and covered in stars and diamond in the form of rain. I can't see anything. I'm still in my little dress.

Now I'm home, it's late. My day has been great. When I despair and I forget what a wonderful life I have, I am reminded. I get little reminders. People who love me, cute boys, tomorrows to look forward to. Beautiful brilliant gifts thrown at me. I hope tomorrow is as good as I think it will be.

No one is Coming

2010-01-16T21:13:00.000-08:00

I've been planning this party.

I cleaned the place up, did the dishes, went shopping. Made sure I had some booze. Some things to mix it with. Some real food. Just incase. I spent the morning putting together music that would be good. That everyone would like.

As the time drew near I put on a dress, the very red lipstick. My hair in a bun. My purple flats. I played the piano to work out my nerves.

Then I hear a text. I go to my phone. Maria isn't coming. I go on-line. At first I bargin - can I pick you up? But it's hopeless, how will people get home if I pick them up? Another one texts. Then two. Then three. In a matter of 15 minutes my party becomes a night home alone.

No one is Coming.

And I surprise myself. My first instinct was to drink and smash my head against the wall, fuck the nearest person. Make it better. Talk to an ex. Do anything to distract myself. Post a desperate plea on facebook. Not like I'm fooling anyone into thinking I'm not an emotional wreck.

Dressed up and no where to go. But now I think of going to the bars. It's cold and rainy. Or staying in my clean warm room. Will another one night stand make me feel better? I just want to be held. To tell the truth. I usually don't want that. I tried desperatly to get ahold of John. To no avail. I wish he would come over and hug me, I need a friend.

I guess I don't need to fuck someone every time something in my life hurts.
Maybe I'll stay home tonight.
We'll see.
Because part of me is crying. Though I know no one ment to hurt me.

You Make Me Nervous

2010-01-14T22:49:00.000-08:00

SO the weekend approaches.

I am having this "shin dig" which is code for low key party. But I am so freaked out by it. I am very nervous no one will show up, except like 2 people who will come super late and then all the booze will be horrible and undrinkable except I'll drink it and make an ass of myself and the music will make everyone scoff at me and all my clothes will be lost and I will have to wear something horrid and then their heads will explode and MY CARPET WILL BE RUINED BY THE BLOOD.

So I'm feeling anxious about that.

Andon said he is coming, but I actually haven't talked to him since this time last week. Which seemed like a long time until I wrote it just now. I hate being hung up on someone. I could be spending these weeks thinking about him and then nothing may ever happen. That just seems foolish. I don't even know what I want anyways - I want to keep jamming with him, and I would like to have sex with him. But date? I don't want to date anyone right now. Maybe like friends with benefits but I don't even know if he'd be down for that. He said he would be single again in January, but it would be rude of me to ask about a specific date I think. But I'm nervous he will come to the party and one or both of the following will happen: he won't have a good time at my party/with my friends and or I will get drunk and he will find out I like him, most likely the hard way.

Hella nervous.

I talked to my cousin Alyssa today. She is a bit uptight. I was telling her how I like being single but I was at loss to tell her why. I really wanted to say "I just like fucking anyone who asks me to". But I think that would ruin any good thoughts she has about me. I read her diary once and she said I act like a know it all and I come from white trash. And she thinks my sister is an idiot. All of which may be true, though I hope I don't act like that now, but the fact she looked down on us for these character flaws hurt me. But anyways I was telling her I wanted to have adventures and not settle down for a while.
"That makes sense, you just want to have a memorable and meaningful life"
"Actually I don't care if it's meaningful. I just want to have fun."
"Uh...well, ok."
Best part of the conversation?
"I don't even know anyone my age who is having kids, I feel so old getting married!"
"Really? My friend had a baby senior year of High School. At least ten of my friends have kids and only two of those are married."
"OMG. What are they doing?"
"Each other obviously."

edit

2010-01-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

I am unconscious.

[edit]
I found this post with no tittle. Weird. I don't remember making it. I talk in my sleep but seriously no one blogs in their sleep. Which means my memory has gone to crap or someone is messing with me.

But I was thinking about something kinda serious, so off the lighthearted track please. The rest of this post is about rape so you can stop reading if you want to.

Sometimes I am tortured by my own thoughts. Sometimes when I am down I think about Jason.

I think about how good of friends we were. We met in Geometry sophomore year of High School. I copied off of him, I wouldn't have passed if it wasn't for him. We became good friends the next year really. John, Trin, May, Jay and I were all good friends. I used to go to his house every day after school. We would measure how long it took to get somewhere by how many times Le Tigre's song "Deceptacon" could repeat. We were both really into the Beatles anthology. He is tall and pale with curly brown hair and sparse facial hair. He was an eagle scout, I was at the ceremony. We read comics, watched movies, played video games, cooked together and talked about everything. He would sit down and go "Girl Talk!" and we would have tea and talk about our 'girly problems'. Like people we were dating or wanted to date, or about our sex lives. I had a very active sex life in High School, but I only dated two guys. Jay dated two girls, but he was an ass to the first one.

We went to the city together and to his cabin for snowboarding (his dad tried to teach me). We shared a limo to prom and crashed at his house afterwards. My mom would say "now why don't you date him!" But I always said he was more like a brother. And we both agreed on this. As time went on I got dumped and was sad. John was more into drugs and PJ started to hang out with us. We would sit in John's room smoking the hookah and listening to records. Sometimes drinking beer or whiskey. John had some Wild Parties. We only had one party at Jay's, his 21st. Be got me wasted by slipping more alcohol in my drink every time I wasn't looking. I got so sick. Pj stayed with me all night and took care of me. Be and Jay went upstairs and watched porn, and he hit on her which she just thought was funny. Kinda bugged me. Once he had us all over for a pool party at his neighbor's house. He caught me and my ex doing it in the changing room. All my graduation pictures have us next to each other. He used to come over and hold my brother Dean, who was born the year we graduated High School. We were friends for years and all this stuff gets mixed in.

Then one day somewhere in the Spring of 2006 there was a party at John's house. Jay had got dumped and was sad and knew I was still sad about being dumped by Westly. And Jay had spent the last few weeks trying to convince me that drugs would help me feel better. At least for the night, and didn't I deserve a night of fun? So Pj sold Jay some oxy. He crushed it up and put it into lines for me. I told him I was nervous. He rolled up a dollar bill.
"Just put one finger on this nostril and put the dollar straw in the other, and snort it."
And I did.
I was surprised at how quickly I felt it. It was like water pouring down over my head. Relax. It said relax.
John was doing some DOB (like Acid). Jay went out of the room, and so did PJ. I laid down. My limbs felt heavy. Everything was heavy. I wanted to sleep. I could hear Jay on the radio, they had him call in and he sounded stoned. Everyone laughed in the other room.
I took a sudden breath. I realized I hadn't been breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. I had to concentrate.
Jay came in and laid next to me in John's twin bed. I'm not sure if John was there or not.
Jay stroked my hair. That was nice. My hair was in my face. I couldn't raise my arm to move it.
He kissed my forehead. ok.
He kissed my neck. What is he doing?
"No Jay". It was a whisper. Where had my voice gone?
He breathed into my ear. Kissed my ear. My neck. Pressing against me.
"Jay, stop. no" quiet quiet my voice was so small.
He kissed further down on my neck. my chest.
"no" I couldn't say it louder. my head was swimming. stay awake. breathe. stay awake.
He was getting on top of me. so heavy. I can't breathe. he is so heavy.
"don't. " I tried to push him off. I don't think my arms could even lift from my sides. So heavy.
"please." I closed my eyes. "please don't" so quiet.
I heard someone open the door. I tried to say help but I had no breath. heavy. heavy. Stay awake.
The door shut. Heavy. Hands going down my top.
Escape, Sky. Go to sleep.
Darkness.
I woke up.

I was on the twin bed with him laying next to me. My brain felt fogged. I didn't really remember yet. I pushed myself off the bed. I didn't know why but I didn't want him laying next to me. So tired. I laid on the floor next to John. He turned on Pink Floyd's Dark side of the moon. I drifted in a hazy sleep. Kind of awake. The music was rocking me in a lull.
CLANG.
"Shit!"
The clocks rang on the album. It was like that fogged window I was looking through shattered. I was awake. I was frightened. And everything came back. I remembered what happened. I went to the bathroom. I checked my vagina. Something was up, but I couldn't feel if there was any sperm. I felt confused. I went back to John's room. Laid down on the floor.
"Hey Jay?"
"Hmm?" he said in a sleepy voice.
"Do you remember what happened last night?"
"Why?"
"Do you remember...uh....kissing my neck?"
"Kind of..."
"You did more than kiss me I think. I asked you to stop and you didn't."
"I don't know about that."
John was sitting up now, he said "I saw you guys on the bed. You looked like you were having sex."
"I didn't want to have sex." I said. I felt like I was going to puke.

"I got to go."
I got up on shaky legs. I walked downstairs. John came out.
"You alright?"
"Yeah."
I went outside. Got in my car. I sat for a minute before starting it. What to do.
I thought about Jay. I thought about John. I thought about the oxy.
Should I report it?
No one will believe me. And I'll have to tell the police and the court and everyone. And they'll point out how I was on drugs. My parent's will know. John isn't a good witness they'll say.

As I turned the key I remember thinking, no. I'm going home. I'm going to take a long hot shower. I was determined.
I didn't want anyone to look at me.
I felt guilty in the shower, cleaning under my nails.
I hesitated as I threw my panties into the washer.
I didn't want to eat. I felt sick.
My dad touched my shoulder and I jumped, my whole body pulled away. I remember him looking at me, as if he could see something was wrong.

Sometimes I think what would have happened if I pretended like nothing happened. If I was still Jay's friend. I miss having a best friend. Always willing to hang out when I call. But then I remember how he raped me. My nightmares. I felt so guilty. And why didn't John stop him? I remember how slowly more people knew. How everyone told me to not say anything. Not make it a big deal. It changed who I hung out with. I was worried about running into him all the time.

The weirdest part was having my friends still hang out with him. I told John, Karen, and Maria soon after. A few weeks later Jay left John when he was O.D.ing, and John still talks to him. I just can't understand. Once I broke down crying and I told my mom, I blurted it out. She had been asking and asking me why Jay wasn't hanging around. She held me as I cried. She told me every summer her Grandfather would molest her, every night. She never told anyone and she spat on his grave when he died. What the fuck. When I told Karen she told me about how she was raped. Maria told me about her rape.

I was walking down the street next to the park, walking my dog when John called. He told me PJ killed himself. His mom had found him in the garage with the car running. I remember when PJ killed himself. I went to the funeral. I was crying when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I could smell him as I turned my head. Jay. He opened his mouth to say something and I ran out of there. The services were just ending and I lost myself in the throng of people leaving. The beginning of the most depressed I've even been. Months later I went to a therapist; she asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't talk. When the words tried to come out my voice was gone. I was quiet like then. And I just sat there and cried.

Sometimes I miss him. I just wish someone loved me and could hold me.

No!

2010-01-12T01:12:00.000-08:00

I stay up late at night. When there is only like 4 people on-line. One of those is always Scott.
And I don't have the heart to delete him off my friend's list.

But then late night comes and there is no one to talk to and my mind wanders. I think about the book he let me borrow, the one I never read and still have. I think, what harm is there in asking is he wants the book back?

Then my logical brain goes NO!. I put him on the list that says NO for a reason. It means NO. Because if I talk to him 1) will be awkward, 2) will give one of us hope of reunification, which is stupid, 3) will probably lead to him just saying "you can keep it" or "drop it off at my house", both which involves me taking care of it and 4) what is my reason for talking to him? I don't care about the book. My brain has hidden alterior motives. Maybe like doin' him again since I can't seem to get any decent sex. But he isn't a sex kind of guy so he wouldn't be into it. So what's the point?

The point is to let my brain and heart torture me apparently.

Friends?

2010-01-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

I drove to my home town Saturday. I need to clear my head.

I go to the coffee shop I like best and play the piano while my tea cools. Then I walk up to canon ball park and drink my tea sitting on the hill, over looking the Boulevard. It's pretty cold out. I decide to call Maria.

She is actually home, I thought she would be working. She tells me to come over but take my time, she is feeling lazy. When I get there she is in the top bunk of her sister's bed watching MTV. She tells me she just stopped going to work like two weeks ago. She puts on socks over her tights and we go out to her garage. I look at her paintings she is working on, her new desk. She turns on a record. We smoke out of a broken pipe because her boyfriend has her regular one. I almost burn my nose. We decide to go to Goodwill (thrift shop). I am feeling really silly and laugh a lot.

When we get there random people show up. It is like the whole gang. Joe is there, Dickaless and Sadie. We agree to meet up later. I am fascinated by a rubix cube I found. I am cold so I buy a weird dress jacket that is blue plaid. Maria and I go to the Mexican restaurant. I eat half of my food and can't finish it. We look up and it looks like porn on TV, but it is the watchman. Dickaless and Sadie show up. They want to drink. We go out.

We stop to smoke some more pot by the train tracks. When we sit down we start talking and we talk about pine trees. I explain how they bring water through themselves, and how they gather water from the fog we have. Which is why the tallest trees in the world are here. But I am high and going all into detail and talking about the water molecules slightly sticking together like pearls on a string and how the sun pulls them out, and in pulling one pulls all the others up - carrying them through the body of the tree. I go on about the whole tree thing for a while. Maria says, "Trees freak me out, man"

I take out my journal and start writing because I think this is all very amusing. Maria wants more people to hang out. She looks at Dickaless and asks "Do we have any other friends?"
"You guys are my friends, I don't have any others." he says.
Sadie agrees.
Maria looks at the ground. "I don't have any friends." after a few moments she quickly adds "except for you guys."
Sadie talks while I write.
Dickaless is sitting on his bike and he turns to me, saying "Dear diary, I'm having so much fun with my new friends!"
We all laugh. He asks if that's what I'm writing. "It is now."
We talk about subconscious dreams. Dickaless wants to remember his. I did stuff to remember my dreams once, and it worked. And I didn't like it so I did stuff to forget. Subconscious dreams freak me out.

We walk to sevey and are outside when all these random people keep showing up. A guy Maria slept with shows up but then leaves. This dickhead that is sometimes cool shows up, his name is K.C. Another guy shows up, cute with glasses. I know him from many times before but I can't remember his name. Chris? Something or other he is buying chaser and says he will come drink with us but doesn't. I get them thirty twos of natty ice. I get one for myself as well. and milk duds. We walk to a nearby school to drink. K.C. suggests I have us a party at my house sometime. I didn't think anyone would come all the way to my place. The thought that they would - This makes me happy.

It all feels so natural, like the old times but better. I feel like I am more accepted as part of the group, like I'm not Maria's friend but their friend. And Maria and I are getting along. We all smoke some more. Joe shows up again. I give away most of my beer, I have to drive later. Maria and I walk back to her house, getting her pipe from her boyfriend on the way. I draw her and listen to the well tempered clavier she has on vinyl. So bomb. It is super foggy when I leave and I am frightened the whole time I am driving home. When I get home I talk on-line to Andon's best friend again. I also decide to have that party and I announce it on facebook. Sleep. It is for the weak. I give in around 3am and have weird dreams that I didn't want to remember.

Stupid Things I Do

2010-01-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

So when Friday approached I wondered to myself, is this a good idea? Probably not. But I doubt myself and I feel like doing something reckless so I drink a beer and when HS dude asks I tell him how to get to my house. He comes over at 1 in the morning. When I open the door he is wearing a sweatshirt and smells like some weird chewing gum, and he starts kissing me. But little pecks. He is taller than me and has short hair, he is middle eastern. He takes off his thick black glasses.

He pulls me over to the couch, pulls me on top of him. I am straddling him and we are kissing, but it is weird because he doesn't kiss with tongue. Which takes half the fun out of it. I take off my top and bra. He kisses my nipple. I ask him if he is going to get undressed or if it will just be me. We stand up to move towards the bed, and as he takes off clothes he kisses me and in between each piece of clothing he says "yes!". He seems almost thankful, and that bugs me. I don't want to do a guy who feels I am doing a favor for him. But no real turning back now. I kick off my shorts and panties, and he goes "oh, yeah, taking off panties, no big deal". He must be talking to himself. Now I am getting the feeling he has lied about his experience, because seriously who says that?

I am going from feeling empowered that I can just call someone and they come over for sex, to feeling like this was a horrid idea. At least I'm drunk.

So I just decide to fuck him and get him out of here. I put the condom on him and get on top. He is enjoying the shit out of this. I suggest position changes. He seems like another one of those sweet lovers. Good damn I hate that. I just keep having to say harder, deeper, faster. No matter how hard or deep or fast he goes it does not feel like enough. Some positions he gets at an angle where it kinda hurts, but I just go with it because I just want to feel something and it kinda hurts but the hurting is the only thing that is turning me on. I wear the dude out. He is dripping sweat at the end of round one. He wants to get me off, but nothing is happening for me. He has become the biggest turn off for me. He reminds me of London Joe in a bad way. He seems so grateful to be fucked. He isn't as muscular as I thought he would be, and just not satisfying. When I look at him I don't feel any lust. And he is obviously very hairy and tried to wax or shave or something, and now he is just prickly everywhere. Like ew. I actually consider kicking him out before he is done. But I decide to be polite. I did agree to this.

He tries to go down on me but I after a few seconds I kinda pull away, and he tried to finger me but I ain't faking nothing, and I tell him not to bother. He seems confused. He says this always works, he always gets the ladies to come like this. Dude, that's what they all say. I laugh and tell him I'm complicated. Round two. The one thing I like is he puts my legs straight up against his chest which is kinda fun. Mid fuck he asks me if I would like to date him. I tell him that I have a girlfriend and am just having my man fix. hahahaha. He keeps wanting to take breaks (who needs a break from sex?). I'm not sure if he is tired or if he is trying not to cum. Either way he eventually does, but the condom doesn't look very full to me so he may have faked it but I don't care. I tell him before he is even out that I need to get up early, he should go. He doesn't want to go. He mentions like three times that my house is closer to his work and he has to work early too. I push him towards the door and when he tries to kiss me I give him a peck and open the door for him. Buh-bye.

Immediately after he is gone I go on-line. I feel shitty about the whole thing. I can't believe I didn't just change my mind when he came in. At first it felt empowering but then it turned into a pity fuck. Fuckbeans. I talk to my friend Kaylee on-line. We have always been friends but have never had much to talk about. When ever we hang out with just us we stare at each other and have nothing to say. But I talked to her all night. Turns out once you talk about sex bluntly she starts opening up. She has always been shy about sharing the details of her sexual history. She told me not to be so hard on myself. We all do stupid things. We all get drunk and horny. We both talked about how sometimes liking sex makes us feel slutty. We both talked about how wanting more sex than the guy makes us fell like whores.

I took off my sheets. I had just taken a shower but I take another one. I can't seem to get rid of the smell of him and that damn fruity lube. I need to get rid of that lube (Scott left it). But I am drunk and moody so I also talk to this guy who is Andon's best friend. Stupidly. I tell him I just fucked someone and regretted it. I also tell him I had depression and mild OCD. Then I freak out and go oh gawd are you going to tell anyone, I didn't want anyone to know, oh my drunkenness gives me no filters baaahhh. But he says "you said nothing worth sharing". I'm not sure if he is being nice or patronizing. Either way I thank him and we talk of other things. I am up until 4am talking to him and Kaylee. She says our talk is Epic, we need to hang out more. I agree.

The memory of this night follows me like a lingering scent in the air, haunting me where ever I go. I feel stupid and kinda dirty. Sort of ashamed. I'm not sure why I did it, looking backwards. At the time it seemed important to do even if it turned out badly, because I knew it could. Oh well.

Somehow this makes me want to do someone else really badly. Like if a new memory comes it will replace the old ones and I'll only remember the newest one the most. And that one will be better.

Just add booze

2010-01-08T01:10:00.000-08:00

So all day I was looking forward to hanging out with Andon after work. He texts me, "when do you get off of work?", I reply "6pm". I wait, drive home.

I'm at home making dinner, wondering when he will text back. He does around 7. He doesn't want to come, he is in a bad mood. I'm kinda put out, sounds like stupid excuses. "Lame, I thought we could have some beers and listen to music. Text me next time you want to hang out." bummer. I'm kinda emotional, I haven't eaten all day. I make an emo playlist and start listening to sorrow and lameness.
He texts back "I'll take a shower and be over in a few." uh...ok.
He comes over, he seems to be in a good mood. He brought mead over but we didn't drink it, instead we each grab a beer from my new mini fridge. We talk and start doing the music exchange on the laptops, he is quiet mostly because he is on the laptop and I don't know what to say so I nervously peel off bits of the label on my beer. I get a second beer, he isn't finished with his first. I wish he didn't have that stupid girlfriend. But she is moving later this month and they are not going to do long distance. Which makes me hopeful.
Then I start getting stupid. I knew it was getting late but I didn't want him to go, and I wanted him to have a good time and not be so quiet; I wanted to make him laugh. So I tell him my Berlin/Amsterdam story. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!! I haven't even told some of my close friends that story! Holy moly. But he laughs and then I don't know what to say to top that and then I just keep talking and words are falling and I try to think of my funniest stories and sex keeps coming out of my mouth. Like blah I'm a whore. And I tell him about the possible May. He says I should do it. I say I'm unsure. Then I tell him about some of my High School escapades and then I just keep going. I slowly realize I sound like the slut I am. Oh dear lord, he will never like me now.

Then he says he has to go, and I let him. It is like 1 am. He also says that the next time he has a party to go to he wants to invite me, I'm always fun to hang out with. Ok. Then when he was leaving he put his arms out to hug me (!!!). And it was a nice hug. It made me happy. I like him a lot.

But then he left and I was feeling restless and moody and I wanted to walk but I knew it probably wasn't a good idea since it was so late. I started feeling so stupid because all the things I told him started to sink in - like, if you like a dude and want him to like you and possibly do you, you probably shouldn't say any of those things you said. So I tried not to beat myself up about it. I talked to Ribsy on-line, and he was being weird. Calling me the captain. I took some stupid pictures of me using photobooth on my computer. Then I posted them on facebook. Immediately High School Dude (remember him?) sends me a message on facebook chat and he says nice pics. We start talking. He wants to show me his new tats on his webcam. I know where this is going but I let it go.

He is suddenly super charming. and silly. I talk about how I kinda love/hate my glasses and he shows me his - the ones he never wears. omg ultimate thick black nerd glasses. He asks me to turn on my cam, and I do. We decide to play ten fingers: basically you say "i have...." and if someone hasn't done it they put a finger down, last person with fingers wins. And we made it a drinking game so I opened a third beer. He asks if we can have the other persons strip as a grand prize. I say ok because I think I'm going to win and I don't mind showing him my tits.
I start going "I am so going to win. pssshh"
me first. "I've had a 3 some with two guys."
No fingers down for him.
DAMN.
"I've had a girl finger my ass"
Finger down for me.
"I've had sex in a lake."
no fingers down.
"I've had sex with my cousin."
ew. finger down for me.
"I've had sex with someone I knew less than an hour."
no fingers down for him.
"I've paid a whore for sex"
fingers down for me.

and so on. I was pwnd.

I only had a bra and undies, but I took them off for the camera. He wanted me to lay back and spread my legs.
"No way!"
He put his hands in the prayer position and mouthed "please!"
"10 seconds, that is all you get"
he took of his boxers and waved around his cock, I'm not sure if that was supposed to do anything for me but it looked hella silly.
"I want to do you so bad girl! You have sucha sexy body!"
I can feel myself blushing. What to say to that.
"Why haven't we ever hooked up before?" he asked.
"Well, we kinda talked about it before but you changed the subject. So I blame you."
"I'm free this weekend."
"How about Friday, I get home around 10pm."
"Hell yes."

We talked until 4am, when I had to say "IT IS 4 AM".
"I can't wait until Friday" he said.
"You have my number."

So then later, in the sober light of day, I'm not so sure this is a bright idea. I remember last time I ran into him I thought something like "thank god I didn't sleep with him!". But I can't remember why. And he obviously has had lots of sex, but hey that isn't a bad thing because I have too. But he sounds more whore-ish than I. Good idea, or bad idea? Not sure. And the weird part is that part of me feels guilty. Because I like Andon and I feel weird sleeping with someone else while I like him. It's almost like doing two guys at once, or cheating. But not.

Maybe I should just have a beer or two before he arrives tomorrow...

New Years Resolutions?

2010-01-02T18:14:00.000-08:00

So John came over for the eve and I was feeling less dramatic than when I posted so we talked and had a good time. I was in the middle of my wonderful Berlin/Amsterdam story when the New Years came and went, and we never noticed. He said the story was epic, perfect way to end a decade.
"What are your new years resolutions?" He asked.
"Hmmm" I hadn't thought about it yet. "Have an orgasm during sex"
"Penetration?"
"Yeah."
"That's a fucking good resolution."
"Yeah, that is a FUCKING good resolution" He said. "Oh, no pun intended!"
"uh-huh"
"That's cool though. I'm sure it will come to you. no pun intended"
We both just laughed.
So it was. He went home around 2am, with promises of playing music together and hanging out more. Told me he would call me. After he left I pondered for a moment. He had brought up the having a threesome thing again. Good idea or no?

So I go on-line today and decide to see what May is doing. May was friends with me in High School; I remember she came onto me once when I was sleeping over at her house, but I had a boyfriend (Drew) and was weirded out and slightly turned on by the incident. Oddly enough she is the first person I called when I needed someone to hold me after Drew confessed he had been cheating on me with everyone. But anyways she came back in town for the holidays and I want her and John to go to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with me. But she is busy. I turn the subject to lady parts - as in, I always wanted to have sex with a lady, how do you do that?

Our Convo:
May
do you masturbate?
not so different
I mean practice makes perfect
and then there's oral
that can be scary
but to start with
fingering is great

Sky
do you use vibrators or anything with each other?

May
don't know how you feel about toys, I don't
you can
not usually vibrators, just dildos

Sky
do you do strap ons?

May
not me
I've never been with anyone that does
it's not super common

Sky
are what girls like done to them very different, or is all pretty much the same?

May
hmmm
ok
well in the vanilla community (non-BDSM)
it's pretty similar

Sky
i know what vanilla is silly

May
well some people don't
ahah
a lot of people don't actually
but Yay!
um so
in the vanilla community, it's pretty similar
I mean there are small variations like in anything else
some women have a hard time getting to climax and you have to start quickly and slow down
other women are opposite
but that's stuff you learn throughout a relationship

Sky
yeah

May
some women like certain things in foreplay
nipples are really good for some and too much or useless for others
really depends
just have to read reactions

Sky
weird, i thought everyone liked the nipples thing

May
most
for some women it's really good like helps in orgasm
for some women, they're so sensitive it can hurt
or it's too overwhelming during orgasm
or it's exactly the trigger they need for orgasm
women are certainly more complex to bring to orgasm than men

Sky
yeah

May
but ok
basics wise
I mean it's very similar to masturbating
start with some foreplay
move on to the clit
sometimes you stay there
but usually you want to alternate between clit and vaginal penetration
if you're good with both hands clitoral and vaginal simultaneously is really good

Sky
yeah

May
if you're doing oral, then you use your tongue and teeth for the clit
and your dominant hand for vaginal penetration nd G-spot stimulation
it also helps (here's a trick) to push your chin lightly against her stomach just over the G-spot while you finger her
it increases stimulation and makes orgasm easier

Sky
wow

May
oh and I have found
that circles is much better than in-out thrust motion
circles are the trick

Sky
I'll remember that

May
haha I may have just given you way more info than you wanted
sorry

Sky
no way man
if you remember how horny i was in high school, triple that
i am more dirty than you probably

May
hahaha
omg
we should hang out
haha

Sky
we so should
lol

May
I love sex

Sky
me too

SO subject turns to BDSM, as in I ask how vanilla are you. Because these are my New Years Resolutions:
1. Have orgasm during vaginal penetrative sex, without using a toy or my hands
2. Have sex with a lady
3. Experiment more with BDSM (I'm a sub)
4. Have a 3, 4 or more some
5. Run a under 10 minute mile
6. Write a song by myself
7. Read all the books in my bookcase
8. Be debt free

So four are sexual, four not. Pretty even. I'm happy with it. But that brings us back to May - she is looking for someone to experiment with. So I say "too bad you're not single. I'm looking for a dom."
and she was like "I'm looking for a sub. I'm worried about the distance though, since you live here. I'm going to have a talk with my girl, I'm hoping we aren't monogamous."
"Well in that case I can just come down to visit you when I have time off"
"We need to keep in touch"
"We do"

DAMN MY LIFE IS AWESOME.

So I call John to see if he wants to go to the show tonight but he is undecided. I tell him about Maybe May and tell him to keep it a secret because it is a maybe after all. He is like damn, too bad she is a lesbian or we could all three do something. Oh damn.
"You still want to do a three some? We've talked about it a lot but we were always drunk."
"Yeah, I do want to. I've just always *mumble mumble*."
"Well in that case I'll look around for someone. It can't be that hard, what with the luck I've been having."

DAMN. This might make life awkward for John and I, though. We've been good friend for a long time. But I've kinda wanted a friend with benefits for a while. HMMMMMM.

I need to get rid of this cough and get busy. 2010 is going to be FUCKING awesome.

New Years Eve 2009

2009-12-31T22:07:00.000-08:00

I am such an idiot.

So I wrote this song about how much I want this guy to like me and I want him to make a move on me and how I was confused and I actually say "I want to pull you into me" in the song. And then Andon, the guy I wrote the song about, offers to help me write it.

So he came over today and we spent hours playing music. Then we got to work on the song and it was great and it came so easily and we recorded it (even though I have a cold). And it sounds really good and I am so excited because one of my goals was to write and record a song this year, and now I have and I'm putting it on last fm and I am so excited. He is so cute and comes in a button up shirt and those nerdy black glasses and he has two piercings, one on his nose and one on his lip and then an ear piercing that is slightly gauged and he has this curly dark hair and I love his smile and I like watching his hands move. Fo some reason the thing a guy could do that would most turn me on is play an instrument. Watching his hands and hearing the music I close my eyes and let it fill me.

Then he goes "Oh shit, it's after nine?"
"…yeah"
"I was supposed to be somewhere at nine."
"Oh."
"My ex and I just got back together…"
My head swirls and I get smaller. oh.

The whole night I have been watching him play, watching him smile, singing this song with him. And I thought he liked me. Like liked me liked me. He said things like "I like listening to music with you" and we just sat and listened to music for a while. He is so easy to hang out with! And we wrote a song together! And he is cute! Really cute!

oooo, Epic Fail.

My life is like this. So he leaves and I feel hurt and disappointed and it is 10 on new years eve. And I have no plans. This was my plan. As he left he said he would invite me to the party he was going to but his girlfriend was already jealous of me. epic fail fail fail. I am so stupid. SO stupid.

So I have two options:
1. Get blindly drunk at the nearest bar and maybe go home with a stranger.
2. Call friends and desperately hope someone is free to hang out or have me join them in their evening fun.

So I think about riding my bike downtown, getting arrested later for drunk on ze bike driving, how no one cool goes to the bars here (it is a very small town).

Then I call John. He calls me back immediately. I tell him I am sad. I want to hang out. He sounds tired from work. He has to work in the morning. I ask him to come over. He will. He will call me back in 15 he says. My Internet goes on and off. My night goes on and off. I want to cry on his shoulders and I want to smile and pretend nothing is wrong.

One down, one to go

2009-12-30T21:50:00.000-08:00

All I keep thinking is tomorrow is my last chance - I need to have sex with one new person and it will be an even 10 for this year.

I'm also thinking ow, my hand hurts because I burned it making tea because I am an idiot. I was trying to get that last drop of hot water out of the kettle and I tipped it so far the lid of the kettle came off and, well, out came boiling water and steam onto my hand.

And the other day I was talking to Andon and he said I was easy to talk to and I told him about this song I've been writing and he asked about the lyrics so I sent them to him and he thinks they are wonderful so he is making the music for it and he kinda suggested we hang out tomorrow but nothing for sure and he hasn't been on-line all daaaaayyy and I want to know if I can hang out with him tomorrow because I really want to. Not just for sex. I don't even know if he likes me. But I hope he does.

And Ribsy came over and watched a movie with me. I don't really like him that much. He has gained some weight and has crazy wavy long blond hair and is shorter than I remember and he has this weird little laugh. And by the way he is acting i could tell he just wanted to do me and be done with it but all he got was a hug (I couldn't avoid it and it was weird long). I think the only reason I avoided anything else was because of my cold and constantly eating cough drops. He kept talking during the movie about stupid things and staring at me. Oh well. I kinda knew I didn't like him anyways. Now how to let him down gently?

Oh dear lord my hand hurts.

People probably think I'm crazy because I've been on facebook so much. But the reason is that is the only place I really talk to Andon. Why don't people use aim anymore? geez. Well, hopefully I'll do something cool for new years and you'll get a juicy post on the 1st. If not I am going to drink myself to oblivion and you will hear nothing.

Movie dates are Lame

2009-12-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

So Facebook guy's name is Nick. He picked me up in this old truck that was tall and super hard to jump into - and I actually did have to jump. He was easily 30 lbs (like 2 stones) heavier than his pictures, go figure. But I was like whatever, free dinner and a movie.
So we went to a Thai place that was completely empty. He had this crazy orange hair that was standing straight up, without the aid of gel or mouse. He just talked about himself the whole time, and he isn't that interesting. We had nothing in common. I hate greasy fast foods, and he loves them. I love traveling, he doesn't like it. And so on. But I suffered through it, he was nice and I just smiled and ate my soup.
And then we went to the movies. He said he doesn't like going to the movies but he has seen everything that is out. So we saw "Up in the Air" which was interesting. It wasn't that great, but I liked how it wasn't the typical Hollywood story line.

The whole time I kept flashing back to this date I had years ago. When I was dumped by Wyatt I was really bummed and in my second semester of college. So I did what every stupid person does; I went to an on-line dating site. I got this guy who responded and everything seemed to match up so I went out with him. We met at a local coffee shop and then went to a movie. He was from the coast guard, tall with red short hair (I have bad luck with gingers apparently). But we saw some stupid Navy movie and the whole time he was just trying to grope me and kiss me. When we got out of the theater he pinned me against the wall and tried to kiss me but I slipped under his arm. Just then my phone rang and I answered it, going "oh, you need me to come over right now? Ok, I'll be there in five!" and my friends who were calling were like "uh, we were just calling to see what you were doing but ...ok." and I couldn't leave faster. I told him on-line I didn't want to see him again and he was like "oh, I thought we had something" and acted all hurt. Like wtf. This is why coasties have such a bad reputation.

But Nick was at least nice enough not to make any moves. I was carefully not to even accidentally touch his arm or anything. And then I was like "oh, work in the morning blah blah" and went home. I had to be careful about going on-line because I didn't want him to see I was on-line. Oh well for me saying yes to random dates.

Do I Look like a Slut?

2009-12-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

So here is what I am thinking:
1. I am ok with the whole Scott thing. No one got hurt, it was fun, it was like a two/three week stand.

2. I have a high sex drive. One more guy I think makes it a round 10 this year. Why is that a goal in my mind?

3. This makes me a slut I think. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I am not crying in misery but I don't think I will be shouting it from roof tops either.

4. I have options.
Guy 1, Ribsy knows me through John and is a jobless pot head and a musician. He has been texting and IMing me a lot, and keeps asking to hang out. He is ok looking, I haven't seen him in person in a while.
Guy 2, found me randomly on facebook and asked me to go out sometime and hangout. Some of his pics are good, some not good. Could go either way. I forgot his name already.
Guy 3, Andon (!) from the party on the mountain. I started IMing him again tonight, oh my thoughts. He asked about the Scott thing and I said we had a mutual breakup because we realized it wouldn't work between us. And then we talked about music (!), foreign movies (!) and random things like shrooms (!). We have so much in common it is crazy. But enough different where it is interesting. He asked for my number and said we can hang out tomorrow (!).

Of course I will always have the option of looking for a sugar daddy on Craig's list.

But seriously, what to do. I have been pulling Ribsy on a string for a while and I pretty much told facebook guy 'whenever you are free hit me up', and I am seeing Andon tomorrow. Sex sex sex. Slut slut slut. I have no perception of when it is okay to have sex, how much is too much and when I am going too fast for these poor men. I think being upfront is my best option but I know if they think I am a slut it won't be good, but I don't know why. I don't care much about facebook guy but Ribsy could be a nice friends with benefits and then of course Andon would be a great fun dating thing but I don't want anything serious. ho hum. Oh and today I saw that guy Elusive and I just waved and went on my way - I was doing all my holiday shopping in two hours (I have mad skills). When I saw him I thought in my head 'I still haven't taken a shower since I had sex with you yesterday', and then I realized I sounded creepy. I am getting in the shower right now.

And I seriously need to stock up on condoms, I used my last one. I know what I want for x-mas...actually, a new vibrator would be good too.

Oh, and I've been thinking about the whole anonymous thing. I think the reason I am not more careful is because I don't care that much, and the reason I am careful at all is because people are judgey. At least if they find this site and read it I can call them pervs.

Elusive

2009-12-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

So it was still Yule and I just got dumped.

I have met a lot of people through Maria, but I never got close to any of them - all I needed was one good friend, why waste my efforts on other people who may let me down? But Maria and I were/are in our tiff so I texted someone I met through her - Sadie. She invited me to join the booze train.

I borrowed my mother's car and drove back to my home town, meeting Sadie and her part time lover Dickaless in the breezeway at 7pm sharp. The night was crisp and cool. The wind made me shiver. I always wear a dress on the holidays, so I had my black dress and black leggings with those Ugg boots and a warm dark green coat. A dark rose and charcoal hat topped off the look, my long brown hair falling into curls down my back.

I brought my flask of whiskey and cigarettes, and we each picked up a 32oz beer at the sevey (7/11, a quicky mart). We walked down towards the pipe bridge, but instead of going down by the bushes and the bank we followed the train tracks a little ways and I could hear the hollow sound of a boom box playing. There were the usual suspects, most of them just visiting - back in town for the holidays. There was Alice, who was Maria's new best chick friend; a rather nice skinny white girl who paints creepy things, she had her own set of quirks and emotional issues, much like me. I like Alice. Maria and her boyfriend were there. Joe was laying on the ground, drunk and texting an ex, trying to flirt with Maria and being shut down. She told him she was going to shit on his face. There was another guy whose name always eludes me, I've met him many a time but he goes to college up north now. We shall call him Elusive Guy.

I sat down on a piece of wood. They were finishing off a thirty pack of cheap beer when we arrived, and I passed around the whiskey. I also brought my camera; I hadn't taken pictures of my nights out in a while. A few people complained about the pictures. Joe couldn't remember meeting me before, but said he remembered me from Facebook. He said my updates were interesting. He was really drunk and tried to climb a fence upside down. He kept bumping into me. I started talking to elusive guy and he said he last remembered me from a party over a year ago. He says he is Pagan but not Wiccan. I gave him a cigarette. Joe tried to go home but walked the wrong way. Then he left again, hopefully in the right direction. I told Maria I was glad she wasn't mad at me anymore. She said she was never mad at me. I didn't really know how to respond to that. We all decided to go to a near by Mexican restaurant.

On the walk I talked to the elusive guy some more. Everyone got ahead of us. Somehow we ended up talking about our recent break ups. He had got dumped a few months ago, the girl wanted an open relationship and he said no, and she said "well, I'm fucking someone else." Which was the end of that. I just proclaimed everyone should be straight forward. He agreed. We pieced another cigarette, waiting for the cops to leave the restaurant before we joined our friends inside. I got the feeling he was into me, I decided to play it out.

We went inside. I sat next to Sadie and talked. I really like her. Maria never did in the beginning but I think she is ok with her now. Sadie is in an open relationship with her boyfriend, which i think is cool. She fools around a lot with her words, sometimes harshly. I think she has adopted Maria's strategy of being bitchy so as not to get hurt. Not my style, but I respect it. Elusive guy sat at another table with one of his friends that had joined us, James. Dickaless kept calling me Antlers, which I kinda like. There was talk of getting another thirty pack, but on the way back to sevey we lost Maria and her boyfriend. Then Sadie and Dickaless fell behind.

So James and Elusive and I got a 32oz beer each and walked up to oak hill. This is a legendary park on top of a hill covered in oak trees at the edge of downtown. It was the first place I ever got drunk, back when I was sixteen, actually a week before I was seventeen but whatever. I needed a place to crash since I couldn't drive home and Elusive said I could stay with him, but he had a couch. I was down. We drank and Sadie and Dickaless joined us on the hill as well as two girls. Elusive talked to the girls but I wasn't jealous or worried he would go off with them instead of me. Which is new for me, I am usually insecure. I got up to pee or something and when I got back I realized someone had taken my beer. I was upset at first but hen realized I was really drunk and it didn't matter. Elusive suggested we get going. Turns out he was staying at a relative's house near by.

We walked arm in arm and I wasn't nervous or thinking sexy thoughts - I was just laughing and having a good time. He dropped the cigarette and I got another one out, and we would come to a complete stop to pass it, so that we didn't drop it again. We went through a fence and into the backyard. We went into a large shed. It was cold and had a light hanging from the ceiling. There was a couch and a blanket on it. I took off my jacket. It was pretty cold. I didn't feel cold but i was shivering. I quickly realized we were going to be sharing some small space, and we were going to be having sex. I'm not sure how it happened, either he asked me to or I just started stripping and so did he.

"Get in" he said.
I climbed onto the couch and laid down and he covered me with the white down blanket, climbing in on top of me. He kissed me. It was sweet smelling. I liked how he tasted, how his skin smelled. He had freckles on his shoulders. He ordered me around.
"Grab my dick." I did. It was hard and thick.
"I wanna fuck you" he said, "don't tell Maria."
"Ok, I won't tell her." (uh, why would I?)
"Don't tell anyone, ok?"
"I won't. I won't tell anyone." I didn't give a damn. I just wanted him already.
"69" he said and turned around.
I liked his dick. Some guys don't keep it clean enough down there, but he was clean and not too hairy. He knew what he was doing. After a while he turned around again.
"I want to kiss your pussy. I love your pussy."
"Okay" I know, I could win a literary prize.
He went down on me some more. It was pretty good but i need him to press harder, stay in one spot longer. And it didn't help matters that I was really drunk. We didn't have time to get to know each other, so I did my whole one night stand act - I exaggerate everything so they get the idea. I do more moans, more movement with my hips, pulling the hair. It works really well actually.
"Do you want me to get a condom? I have a condom."
"Yeah."
I reached over to my purse and got the condom, handed it to him.
"OH fuck. Where did it go?"
"What?"
"I dropped it. I dropped the condom." He searched around for it in the darkness. "I'm going to have to run to the store and get another one."
"Damn." I pulled the blankets up, it was getting cold. "Do you need money or something? You should hurry."
"I got it. I want you to masturbate when I'm gone. Promise me."
"Okay"
He leaned over me and kissed me. Then he started going down on me again.
"Go get the condom! I want you to fuck me."
"OK, I'll be right back." He ran out quickly.
It was cold. I decided to use the time to find my clothes, so I wouldn't have to look for them later. He had already told me that the only place to pee was out on the side of the shed. The concrete floor was cold.
"oh, hey" I said, he was back already.
"I forgot my wallet." he was kissing me again.
"oh"
and going down on me again. He kept doing that move that some guys do where they shake their heads when they are going down on you, and I never found it that appealing. I love guys that pay so much attention to the lady's pleasure though. Can't complain there.
"Oh hey, I found it!" he said, holding up the condom he had dropped earlier.
"Put it on!"
He put it on and told me to grab his dick again, and I did and then he pushed inside of me.
"ok, now get on your hands and knees."
I did, and he went from behind. My head hit against the wooden arm of the couch.
"Now turn on your back again."
"Harder." I should learn this word in every language.
"Ohh, I'm going to cum." This always happens when it is getting good.
I love the way a guy sounds before he comes, how he tenses and his breathing changes. The smell of his sweat. The way his balls move and his cock swells.
"I want to finish this way." He pulled out and took off the condom, rubbing himself.
"Grab my dick." I did.
He started cumming on my face and chest. I liked the way he moaned. I hadn't gotten a facial in a long time. We were silent for a minute and all I could hear was his breath in the cold night.
"Is there something I can wipe this up with?" I could feel his semen covering my left eye.
"Here" he handed me his boxers and I wiped myself off. He was already moving down, going down on me again.
It felt good but really I knew I wouldn't be able to cum. I had too much to drink, otherwise I'm sure I would have. I could tell he knew his way around down there.
Afterwards he came up and spooned me.
"Sorry I didn't make you cum." He sounded very apologetic.
"No worries."
"No, seriously. I wanted to make you cum. It's kinda my thing."
"Well, I've slept with ...well, now 12 guys... and only 2 have made me cum. So it's no big deal."
"Well I've slept with people two, not twelve...."
oh geez, did I really just offer up my number, my now high number?
"If I wasn't drunk I would have came."
He apologized again and I pressed against him. We smelled like each other. I went to sleep.

I woke feeling like I was going to barf. It was that dead part of night. I got up and looked for some clothes. Nothing. All I could find was my jacket so I put that on, leaving it open so my nakedness was exposed, and I walked around the side of the shed. I made myself barf to end the nausea. Then I peed for good measure. I crawled back into the couch. I was shivering like mad.

My cell phone alarm went off. The birds were chirping and the sun was just coming up. I laid there for a minute and then got up, putting on my clothes as quick as I could find them. I had mud on my dress. I laughed at the sight of it. He watched me get dressed. I buttoned up my coat and put my hat over my not matted and tangled hair. I still felt drunk. And soooo thirsty.
"Thanks for letting me crash here. How do I get back to downtown?"
"Take a right then a left."
"Cool, thanks." I left, not looking back.
The back of my heel was rubbed raw from the shoes. I stopped at sevey and got crackers, a water bottle and some bandaids. The same guy was working that had been there last night. I wonder if the recognized me. I walked to the car, drinking water and eating to try and sober up. It was so cold for morning. The sunlight felt gorgeous.
I knew if my mom didn't need the car back I wouldn't have decided to drive, I was still drunk. But not drunk enough to not return the car. I didn't want to deal with it. So I drove home, cautious and slow. Mellow. I tried to concentrate on the road.
When I got home I went through my door and quickly changed and went to give Mom the keys back.
"You have fun party girl?"
"Yeah."
"Oh my god, are you still drunk? You drove my car drunk."
"I'm good. I was careful." I didn't want to lie, or tell the truth. "i just need a nap. I'm really tired."
"Ok, could you help watch the kids later?"
"Yeah, sure." By which I mean no freakin' way.

I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What was stuck to the side of my face?
Oh man, that is dried semen. Hahahahaha.

When I woke up from a good three hour nap I had the spins and felt super sick and my head was pounding. Oh whiskey, why do you do this to me? I got some headache pills and water and crawled back into bed. Where I would stay. I realized I had a cut across my shin. A few actually. I know once I get naked I'll find more bruises. I usually come home with a few battle scars.
Sitting in bed I can still smell him on me. I should shower, but I like the smell.

In which Scott freaks out

2009-12-21T16:37:00.000-08:00

So Scott doesn't respond to my text last night, or this morning. or a facebook message. It is Yule, which is the Wiccan x-mas, and it is his day off and he kind of said he wanted to see me so I wanted to know when.

Then I saw him on aim. He said he was sorry for not getting back to me, and "we need to talk". oh dear. We ALL know what that means. So I suggested walk towards each other's house, we will meet half way. I didn't want to be caged up inside. I brought my cell and my ipod, so if we broke up I could walk and listen to music or talk to someone. I was nervous as I walked, and I prayed he would not break up with me. It's Yule!

So when we met it started to rain. And my glasses were spreckled so I twirled them in my hands. It was cool but not cold, I was wearing my black little dress and a brown zip up sweater, made of something itchy. I had borrowed my mom's Ugg boots. When we meet up I was more than halfway. We didn't touch.

He slowly came out with it - he didn't want a serious relationship. He didn't want to meet my family because it would be too serious. I suggested we just have fun. He said if he continued seeing me it would become serious. It was already becoming serious. He suggested a break. I agreed on a break because I didn't want to break up with him. But even though I like dhim I realized I was just setting myself up for torture - I didn't want to to wait around for him to be ready to be off a 'break'. We talked and walked across town, against the creek and back towards our houses. It was well over an hour walk. Mostly we talked about anything but us. Finally at his street I stopped him.

"Do you want a break, like check in two weeks from now?"
"No, maybe just stop seeing each other for a while and if we decide later-"
"Dude, stop trying to give me the nicey nice lines. Do you want to break up?"
"Yes."
"Ok. See, be straight up man." It's funny, I don't think I have ever been this myself with him.
"Well this is awkward."
"Only for you" I laughed. "Hug?"
"Okay."
He leaned down and we hugged.
"Well it was nice meeting you Scott."
"it was nice meeting you too Sky"
I waved a hand as I turned and walked down towards my house, and I pulled out my phone. Time to spread the news. Tell everyone we broke up, after only a month. Less than a month. I wish he had been straight forward, but I think he was. He started dating me and then realized he didn't really want to date someone - he just wants to "meet people" which to me sounds like sleep with various people.
I thought I would be sadder, and I kind of was but not really. It didn't hit me or something. I wish we had breakup sex though, but I knew he wouldn't be down. No hard feelings, but if I ever meet him again there may be awkward feelings. I kind of knew it wouldn't work out because it wasn't clicking in the bedroom. Making out was hot but everything else wasn't working for me. I'm really glad the whole thing happened though. It made me feel more confident about myself, and I learned a thing or two. But it is kinda sad too. I'm not sure how I really feel about it. It takes the pressure off because I was worried I would fall in love and then have a tough time leaving for the Peace Corps. On the other hand, I really want to be loved. Or at least cared for. Someone to have sex and cuddle with. So it is sad, but I'm glad I didn't get my heart broken.

But it is fucking Yule. I am supposed to have sex and get drunk. Sex seems to be my coping mechanism anyways. This calls for only one thing - going to my home town.

Be and Me

2009-12-20T13:40:00.000-08:00

I was going out of my head.

So to review from my last post: I walked over to the Mexican restaurant, which I knew would be closed. So I went to the quicky mart, and got a forty of old E (read: big bottle of cheap beer) and thought, well they might need me to buy more if I want to put it on my card. So I got a pack of American Spirit Cigarettes, even though I don't really smoke.

Then I walked back, slipping in through the back gate. The dog started going all nutts and my family was asleep and I didn't want them to see what I bought and I was having trouble locking the door, our door lock is weird. So I left it unlocked and went into my room. Oh dear. This whole booze and cigs alone is not a great idea.

So I called my younger cousin Be. She said she might hang out, she would call me later. Then I texted her saying I was going crazy and having a really tough time. She texted back that she would come get me.

Cue two hours later, she pulls up just past midnight. I climb in her car. Smells like Pot. Some skinny guy is sitting in the front seat. This car looks way nice for a girl who is working at Taco Bell. She is wearing the hat I knitted her a few years ago. She tries to ask me whats wrong in the car but I don't want to talk. I can't even express what is wrong. I just want to be obliterated with alcohol. We take the back roads to Petaluma and we stop at a quicky mart that is nick named the fast and sleazy. She isn't 21 yet so I get her a flask of rum and I get a flask of whiskey. We go to the skinny guy's house.

When we get there he has friends there. We can't go inside so we sit in his garage playing pool and he gets out a big jar of pot and starts messing with the buds. Be and I share the 40 and the rum; I save the whiskey. We smoke the pot and the cigarettes. There is another white average sized guy and a big white guy there. I don't remember what we talk about. I am really bad at pool. Be is pretty good. I am very happy and warm and drunk. But as soon as I get high I can't talk and I feel all my muscles contracting and relaxing, like these balls of heat under my skin. I know the garage is really cold. My toes are burning they are so cold.

The two guys go and Be is wasted now. When I stopped she drank more beers. I think she finished the Rum. She barfs. Twice. She starts to pass out as I and the white skinny guy try to figure out how his couch pulls out into a bed. It is small and I get her in it with me and we lay down, keeping each other warm.

I wake up early and want to get out of there. There is nothing to do. I fall back asleep. I wake up again. He makes us some potatoes and we smoke a joint before leaving. I'm really hungry after the joint. I don't want to talk to my family and either does Be. She parks far away from my house. I go in my bedroom and go on-line. Everything feels pleasant. I like how warm the bed is. It is odd, I kind of felt high almost all day.

It isn't that interesting of a night. Except this is how I react when I get this antsy feeling. I get anxious and drink and usually try to sleep with someone. I talked to Scott and told him I was high. Good for you he said over aim, and then he didn't say anything else. Ho hum. I have a feeling something isn't right.

Moody

2009-12-19T22:00:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling moody, which is code word for my emotional crazy feelings. Basically I feel like I want to cry, even though I am not especially sad.

My boyfriend Scott slept over last night and left this morning, and I got no sex or anything like sex. Then I made a birthday cake for my brother and helped the kids decorate cookies. Watched some Numb3rs episodes. Masturbated with the rabbit, which is broken so I haven't used it in a while. But I found it is still useful if you just hold a working vibrator up to it. Such a good O that I immediatly fell asleep. Slept from some time in the early afternoon until 9ish at night. Not much around to eat here, and everything's closed. Scott is hanging out with his roomate. I have nothing to do.

So suddenly I want to cry. So I want to walk. I am missing when I used to go downtown with Maria and have a forty and smoke cigs. But she is still mad at me. So I walk to the quicky mart type thing, and I get a 40 of old E (aka, big bottle of cheap beer) and some American Spirit cigs, even though I normally don't smoke. I come back in through the back gate and have trouble locking the door and the dog starts going nuts. I leave the door unlocked.

Now I am sitting in my room, lonely. I am wondering how good of an idea it is to drink and smoke right now. Alone. I have never drank alone. I am hoping Be calls me back. I have no one really to call. No one to hang out with. Man, sometimes my life seems so great and then sometimes it sucks. Why am I so emotional? fuck fuck fuck.

I want to cry. and drink beer.

How much is too much?

2009-12-17T19:21:00.000-08:00

The indecisiveness was killing me. He was sleepy, laying next to me. What do I want, and what can I get?

The night had gone by quickly. Stopped by his apartment to see his cat. He put on a album he knew I would like in the car, we made curry but I didn't make it strong enough. He pulled me onto the bed. He asked me what I wanted.

I had put my ideas out there, taking every bit of courage I could summon to just ask for something that I liked to do. It was so humiliating to have to put my sexual ideas into words and leave them out in the open air, hanging there like underthings on the line.
I rubbed my fingers across the tip of his penis. "What cha thinkin'?"
"Uhhh...Well, I'd be down for the wrestling thing you were talking about, or anything else really. It is up to you. To tell the truth my thoughts are kinda wandering because your hand...my thoughts go in and out."

What to do. 69 would be nice because he wouldn't be looking at me so it might be easier to have an O, but then again I would be distracted by trying to get him off. The wresting and rougher sex is what I really wanted. But I could barley say it out loud, how was I going to do it with him? I just am not that comfortable with it. The whole act is playful and forceful and sexy all at once - but it requires openness, trust. I'm just not there.

"I'm kind of sleepy, so the more you wait the more sleepy I get." He said this with his eyes closed.
The wrestling thing is kind of like a special treat for me. I want him to be excited about it. He seems more mildly intrigued. I tell him he is too sleepy, regular sex it is. I get on top with a condom.
"Um, I've never actually put one on a guy before..." oh the embarrassment.
"Really?" He seems very surprised.
"Yeah..." I feel so stupid.
He shows me quickly and I do it. We start with me on top. I like being on top but sometimes it is hard to get the right angle. If it is hitting right i love to be on top, if I can't get the right angle it doesn't do much for me - plus it brings out my shy side because I feel like the center of attention. I close my eyes sometimes to feel more comfortable. We switch to me on bottom. This is quickly becoming my favorite with him. He leans on one arm and sometimes grabs something so he can go harder or faster. I tuck my legs in towards my chest, better angle. Angles. Who knew geometry could be so fun. He mostly hits good spots but then he hits that great spot and I pull him closer, my nails dragging across his back. He pulls my hair, yanking my head to the side. He is going harder and faster, breathing onto my neck and into my ear. I am pulling him closer, into me. My neck hurts. Yet this is so freaking hot. When he finishes I can feel his dick throbbing. We just lay there for a few seconds. I want to express how sexy and amazing that was. Everything with him is new to me. Hopefully I am not boring the hell out of him.
I just say stupidly "That was really hot." Ugghh.
We cleaned up and then he laid on his back and I rested my head on his chest. I could tell him every time I am close to him how much I like his smell. He is already drifting to sleep. He is talking about work outs he is doing that will make him climb mountains even better. I run my hands across his body; I like it now, and I'll like it when he is more muscular. Either way he is handsome.

It's hard because I was awake and I just laid there, wanting more. It was great sex but...ya know? And I was worried. He was so sleepy and happy, he just seemed so content. Like this was perfect for him - food, talking, sex, sleep. Done. Satisfied. And I'm not.
Sometimes when people talk I just want to have sex with them. I just play along and smile and have little responses but really I am imagining having sex with them, looking at all their parts. Imagining all the things we could do with each other, to each other, in each other. Scott is interesting and I actually like to talk to him. He wisely sits across the room, not knowing that this helps contain my thoughts. When he is close I just smell him and want to touch him, kiss him, rip off his clothes.... But I went to sleep like a good girlfriend, just turning over and letting him spoon me.

I went back to a few days ago, when Scott and I were sleeping in and we laid around for a while and then he started talking about food and doing something with his day. You ever wish you could have another chance, go back in time and do something differently? I got that this morning. So a few days I screwed up and it was a horrible morning for me, but this time I spoke up.

He was talking about this and that and I was letting my hands roam and just thinking, damn I want to have sex right now. He just kept talking. Then I realized something - it isn't that he doesn't want me, it is that he is still satisfied with what we did the night before. So I say something like "I like sitting here talking in bed, but there are a million better things we could be doing while naked and in bed".
Which just made him laugh. He said I was mildly entertaining. Geez. So I looked at the time. Ten to 11. He was ready t get up and dressed.
"Just ten more minutes." I said, wrapping my legs around him.
"What you want is going to turn into more than ten minutes."
"Ten minutes, a quickie I swear!"
His face kind of changed, maybe he thought I wasn't serious and finally got it. So he told me to grab a condom. It was ridiculous, I was practically giddy.
The quickie was not a quickie. But that was not my fault. It was weird. It felt like we were both having fun but he said it was hard for him to cum with just plain sex sometimes. I'm not sure what he meant by that or if that's the truth and I want to talk about it more but I don't really know how to bring it up. But anyways he decides to speed the end for himself and whips it out and masturbates at the end. Still the whole thing takes a little over twenty minutes.
When we were done I decided to be frank.
"I have a very high sex drive. I have a feeling I'll be wanting more sex than you."
"I have that feeling too." He paused, "We'll manage."
"Pretty much I'll be down whenever. I'll always choose sex over everything else, like food and sleep. I'll always fit it into my day, even if I have to run around like crazy the rest of the day. I'll always choose sex."
"We'll manage."
"Sorry." I just feel like such an imposition sometimes. Here I face such a "guy's problem" - I don't want him to feel like just my sex toy. I really like him. I just also like sex.
Smiling, he said "Oh how hard my life is."
"I know, it is just so hard being you." I paused and looked down at his flaccid penis, "Or not very hard at all."
"Ooooh! Burn."

I really am worried about it, even though he kind of laughed it off. I'm worried that I'll feel unsatisfied or he will feel overwhelmed by me. Or both. I just really want things to work out with him. I know we haven't been dating long but he is just so everything I want in a guy. If we could just get the bedroom figured out - it's fun but we haven't had super hot passionate sex yet, and he hasn't given me an O. I just can't keep asking for more. I want him to like me. What should I ask him for, How much should I ask him for? How much is too much?

Another Date with Scott

2009-12-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

Last night Scott picked me up from work and we went to a cafe downtown and had some tea and a rummy re-match. Luck was not on my side; he beat me by over 100 points. He almost kept the napkin we wrote scores on. But it was nice because we got to talk and we were in public and I wasn't feeling like I-might-die-nervous. It's funny because he has seen me naked and everything but I still get nervous around him.
Anyways, we decided to do a music exchange so we went by his apartment to pick up his external hard drive thing. His house was messy and the walls were covered in Disney posters - his roommate's doing. I didn't meet her though. I met his cat which is cute, looks ruffed up a bit. His living room is messy with a couch and a bed-like thing that is covered in junk, next to some shelves of alcohol. His room is kind of bare except for maps of cool hikes he did and a dagger he got form Russia. We looked at his bookshelf for a while, which had all these philosophy books I've never heard of; that was his major in college. Then he told me a funny bible story about Samson or Simpson...something like that. But anyways we left.
It was kind of surprising because when we got to my house we actually talked for a long while and it wasn't that talking where he is talking and I just want to have sex and am nodding. I actually talked and wanted to talk. Then we check out the music and exchanged it. I got some cool new stuff from him - it surprised me some of the stuff that he had. He had The Shins, Cake, Third Eye Blind, Saving Ferris, Cat Stevens and some pop stars. I made some spaghetti, but I felt bad because it was just in tomato sauce with no nothing. He kept asking me if I was hungry because he had picked me up from work so obviously I hadn't had dinner yet, but truthfully I wasn't hungry. Ever since I started seeing him I have been hardly eating. I'm not trying to starve myself but it is like I am just not hungry.

Then we sat on my bed and he stretched out and looked very handsome laying on his side with his hand behind his head and I just sat cross legged talking to him and trying to decide if it would be okay to kiss him. We were talking about man-ly sports and then we paused and I realized he was just waiting for me to kiss him so I leaned in quick and kissed him softly, pulling him towards me. He is kinda intoxicating. I love the smell of him and i love that I love the smell of him because it is so honest; like you can't fake or be fooled into liking someone's smell.
He rolled on top of me and we kissed and I had my arms around him. I like feeling his arms and his shoulders, they just feel so strong and broad against me. We sat up and I took off my top shirt. Underneath I had a pink tank top with hearts on it, which is tight on my chest. We kissed with me on his lap facing him, his legs off the side of my bed. I kept running my hands across his chest and back and then he took his grey shirt off and pressed against me. I stood up to take of my pants, partly so he could see I picked panties that matched my shirt. But the shirt didn't last long. He was reaching around and grabbing my tush and off came the bra too. Then he did a ultra sexy thing where he stood up, holding me to him and laid me down so he was on top of me. Off with his pants. Off with my panties.
I could just sit here and ramble about how sexy he is, but I don't want to bore you. His hair is short but long enough for me to run my hands through and he has a little bit of hair on his chest and then below his navel. Last time I called the shots so it was his turn to direct things. He brought me on top of him, sitting up like we were when we were kissing. Normally I would have my shins resting on the bed but he had me wrap my legs around him. In some ways it was harder to do because I couldn't really use my legs but it also stimulated a completely different spot. It felt so intimate and romantic with him holding me and we could kiss and it was lovely. Then he picked me up and rolled over so I was on my back and he was on top of me, with my legs still wrapped around him. I grabbed him and pulled him against me.
The sex was great not because he hit that spot or did this move, but it just felt so intimate and like we were feeling the same thing. Though what he did felt good too. He finished in that position and I reached up and hugged him tight, which I felt silly for doing afterwards but it was just my natural reaction. He laid next to me and we both just looked at each other, smiling and breathing.
It was cold so we got under the blankets after a while. Then I got the giggles. Like I seriously could not stop laughing. I can't even remember what started it. I tried to take a big breath and breathe out but it just made me laugh more. and I was kind of embaressed. When I stopped laughing I said something like "well, I don't want to sound dirty" and he was like "we just had sex, it's ok if you sound dirty." But it is hard to explain that I can have sex with him but still not feel comfortable with him yet - for example, I sometimes like to talk dirty during sex but I am just too shy to do it with Scott yet. Who knows what he would think of me? I'm also kind of feeling like that is going to make the whole O thing much harder for me. I just can't do it with someone watching me unless I feel super comfortable with them.
We were both sleepy, him more than me. He realized he had an early shift int he morning so he kind of drifted to sleep while I ran my hands up and down his chest, his abs, his arms. He laid behind me and held me to him as we went to sleep. In the morning I woke up first and tried to sneak out of bed to go to the bathroom but when I came back he was awake. He had to make a dash for my bathroom because my house is like this: I have a studio type room with a kitchenette in it, and the laundry room connects my room to the bigger house that my family lives in. The laundry room has the bathroom in it. So my mom and the kids were up and running around screaming. He slipped out naked but came back in a towel to be safe.
We were laying in bed and he was being sleepy again but I was awake and running my hands over him, my hands that never rest. My mom knocked on the door.
"SKY! You awake? I never you to babysit in 20 minutes! OK?!"
"OK!" I yelled back.
Scott laughed a little with me. "So she has no idea I sleep over, does she?"
"No, not at all. The other day I told her your apartment is really cold and she said you can come sleep on our couch."
He laughed, "well, to be honest I don't think I'm going to take her up on that offer."
My mom also said something the other day to my sister, she said something like "Sky doesn't think I know that she is up ALL NIGHT talking to her new boyfriend."
I just find this ridiculously funny.

It's odd. I won't see Scott until Wednesday night, which seems like forever. But since he comes at night and stays over I technically don't go a day without seeing him. But we don't really talk in between so I miss him. Oh how silly I feel sometimes. The whole dating-like/love thing is so risky - you never know how the other person really feels about you, what will make them like you more or less, which is ok to tell them or to do with them and what will put them off of you. How far is too far, how close is too close? The more I like him the more worried I am that I'll get my heart broken. But he seems so nice, I can't imagine him breaking my heart. Ho hum.

What am I doing here?

2009-12-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

SO it is Sunday evening and I am siting on my armchair with my legs draped over the side, thinking about my laundry and refilling the ink in my good pen. But mostly I am wondering where my emotions have gone off to.

If I had to guess two days ago, I would say that today I would not be able to stop thinking about the new guy I am dating and I would be all fluttery and lovely. But mostly I am thinking about having sex, and not necessarily with Scott. The thing is that I would never cheat, and I know I won't. And I have never got the urge to cheat ever ever. Never crossed my mind before. But walking around yesterday I just thought, damn I would really like to fuck someone right now. And when I found myself thinking about Dick and a guy named Kenny (craigslist guy who I never called back) and the many other guys that were possibilities - people who would want to be in my bed. But why would I want them in my bed when I have found someone better than them? Where are my flutters and love-y feelings? Where are my emotions and what am I doing here? The Answer: This is how my mind seems to work when I feel rejected.

I think it has something to do with yesterday. We were both tired on Friday night so he came over, we made out and snuggled and what not and he meet the crazies that live with me. Then I gave him a hand job and we went to sleep. In the morning I woke to kisses and oral. Nice way to wake up but I wasn't really awake and so I think much of his effort was going unappreciated. Then I suggested sex. And I suggested that we do it twice and each have a turn of like directing it - getting exactly what we want with little consideration for our partner.
"What do you want me to do?" He asked as got a condom.
My style of sex is much different that what we did before. I like girl on bottom stuff the best. First missionary, then I looked for something that I could lay on so he could stand up and do it that way but the counter was too tall and the bed too short, so then I got a bunch of pillows to get me a bit higher and he was on his knees on the bed. I ended up sliding to the side which made him hit this great spot. Pretty much everything I said was deeper, harder or faster. I'm just that kind of girl I guess.

But anyways after that we talked and laid in bed for a bit. The whole time I'm feeling more awake and more horny, and wondering if it would be rude of me to ask him to stop talking and just make out with me or do me again or something. When we talk I let my hands roam randomly across him. I kiss him a little bit and he perks up and says "So, What do you want to do for breakfast? I'm starved."
Ugghhhh. I am not really hungry. If you keep track of it this is the third night in a row I've had him in my bed, and I haven't any Orgasms (unless you count the one I gave myself in the shower, thank god for those massaging shower heads). So I am feeling a bit ignored. He mentions food like two more times but I just keep kissing him. I think he gets the idea and his hands go south. For one, I hate this because he obviously would rather be eating and it's like I have to beg him for it. But whatever; we are just starting so he doesn't know me yet and whatever I try not to think about it.

But he has his fingers down there for like a minute and then he asks for directions. I kinda show him what I do but his hands arn't the same as mine so it feels different and he is not hitting the right spots. It is really frustrating. The more that I try to explain the further off he gets and I am kinda shy about explaining stuff anyways. So I am getting completely embarrassed and frustrated and this is so stupid. Here is this great sexy guy that I just had good sex with and he wants me to give him instructions or something. He stops and suggests a vibrator. I get one out and then I realize he is suggesting I do it myself. Lammmeee. I can do it by myself when he isn't here. And I am suddenly very very very embarrassed. My body is being all difficult when he was so easy. But I can't really say 'oh never mind' at this point because then he'll wonder why and I am not good at talking. So I try to masturbate with my vibrator with him right next to me. And I can't do anything with him looking at me. So I ask him to kiss me.
"I feel weird when you watch me."
"Maybe it would help if I did it too." He says and reaches over for some lube.
So now we are both masturbating.
I want to crawl inside myself and disappear. I have found guys touching themselves to be a turn on but this is just making me feel worse. I just want it to be over and my cheeks are flushed but not with pleasure. So I tell him to not stop kissing me and I hit the spots that I hit for a quick fix and I have the quickest little orgasm that ever was. I don't even know if he noticed. I stopped and when he looked at me with a raised eyebrow I said "I'm less dramatic than you." Vibrator off.
He finsihed himself off and we got dressed and went out to breakfast. He said he wanted to get some stuff done so he would be going home after breakfast.

We went to this cafe that is popular with the college kids and I would feel weird in there on a normal day. But I felt really awkward with him and then the place and I couldn't put my finger on what was making me feel all weird. Sometimes I don't make connections until I write it down. It was nice enough but I wish he would have just left me at home and I could of had breakfast at my own house where I felt comfortable. On one hand I was glad he was leaving so that I could sort through the wave of weird feelings I was having and so he could go do his own thing and not be sick of me. But on the other hand I was worried he was sick of me.
So I made this play list of some sad songs and some songs that were just slow and I listened and chilled. He was on the Internet and I didn't want to talk to him so I got off. When I get upset I want to run. Literally just exert myself and feel wind on my face. So I got the dog and went for a walk in the rainy cold night. I didn't even realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast until I was getting in bed. So I grabbed a can of corn and went to sleep. And still I couldn't tell you why I was feeling so weird. It was like the funk was creeping in. I can't talk about emotions because I can't see them until I lay them out in front of me, which is why I started keeping a journal in the first place.

So now looking at it I just feel like I don't count as much. Like I always have to put my pleasure on the side. And also like I am going to be too sexual for him, like I will always be wanting more. I don't like being rejected, it just makes me feel abandoned and lonely. I am mostly hoping for these feelings to just vanish. I know, I have great skills for dealing with my feelings. I posted on facebook that I was going for a walk around 9 at night; I was kinda fishing for someone to be worried. An old friend replied and I clicked to see what she was up to. Shock. There on her wall was a comment from the guy we had both been friends with, the one who raped me. And I couldn't help it. I clicked on him. His info was private so I couldn't see where he lived. Instead I looked at his pictures. His life goes on. His hair is getting long. I don't know why I do this to myself, like as punishment or something? What am I doing here looking at his pictures?
So today I mostly walked around in a daze and did nothing productive, just sitting around. As soon as I go on the computer Scott IMs me. He hasn't been doing much, just working out and cooking and stuff. He is getting ready to go to work. I am helping Cristina with her math homework. I don't know what to say to him. I have a feeling he has no idea how I feel. Because I can't even figure out what I feel half the time. I don't know why I feel so weird all of a sudden. Just super awkward and worthless. Sometimes I feel so normal, but now I feel funkatized. I have been kinda happy lately, what am I doing back here?

[edit] I kinda worked out my feelings as I wrote this and as I updated stuff from my Europe trip. Then I starred at man candy for over an hour and I feel much better. It's like the logical part of my brain goes "I don't think you were being rejected and you are way over reacting" and then my emotional brain goes "I can't help that I over react, it bothered me and I just want to feel better, someone fuck me". I wonder what Scott will think if he ever reads this (not that I'm giving him the link but he knows I have a blog and it wouldn't be that hard for him to find).

Bed Head

2009-12-11T09:40:00.000-08:00

My hair is all messed up, mostly out of the pony tail I went to bed with. But I feel lovely. I haven't got out of bed, I am just laying here wishing it was much later, say, after work.

So Scott came over after his work last night, which put him here some time after midnight. I tried to nap a little before he got here but I failed. It was nice having him over again. Half of me wanted to talk and half of me wanted to jump his bone right away. But he laid on the bed with me fully clothed and we talked about our day and how tired we were. I ran my fingers over his hands while we talked. His palms have all these lines and his hands are rough without being coarse. I like his shoulders and arms and the little patch of hair on his chest.

Last night/this morning was we had sex for the first time. My period was close enough to being over that I just said what the heck (now I have to wash my sheet though). It was also really interesting because he is unlike all the other guys I have been with. He puts a lot of time into good fore play, and he is really into kissing during sex. Well, I should back up.

When he took off my underwear he just stared at my lady parts. I felt more naked than naked. We had a vagina monologue moment and he was like "you have a beautiful vagina". He gives me compliments all the time and I really don't know what to say back. I should compliment him more but I just don't like to say everything with words. Compliments make me feel exposed. But anyways then he started fingering me and immediately went to my G spot. Which surprised the heck out of me. No guy has ever found it before, and heck it took me a while to find it. And also every guy who has ever tried fingering me was just horrible at it, and I figured no guys could do it right. But the problem with the G spot is it makes you feel like you have to pee so I had him stop that.

So we talked about sexual experience. He has only been with one girl. ONE GIRL. like oh gee g geez. I really hope he isn't still hung up on her. He doesn't act like it but I don't know. I actually laughed when he told me, like holy shit. And even crazier he didn't seem at all phased that my number was so much higher than his.

So I told him my number (with him, 11) and admitted that I figured he had less partners then me but I had wrongly assumed he would not be showing me anything new. But it was like everything he did was new. The way he thinks about sex is new. He just seems more into the moment and isn't rushing to orgasm. He actually said he doesn't "hit it and quit it". It feels like even though I have had more partners he has more sexual experience. Which is going to be fun. We also talked about what we're into, and man I felt vanilla. He included spanking, the lady wearing a strap on and a vibrating butt plug. Spanking ok, but I don't think I would want to do the strap on thing. I prefer the parts I actually have. Like the only thing you can do is shove it in his butt and I just don't think I'm down. Butt plug seems really weird too. I don't like anal sex, which he said can be good if he's in the right mood, but I like pressure on the outside. So maybe I'd try it but I think he can keep that toy to himself.
But we both seemed to think vanilla sex, rough sex and bondage are fun. And I mentioned wrestling. It has always been one of my favorite things to do; I just like feeling a man's strength and feeling him hard against me. And it requires some skill to pin a lady down and get it in while she is trying to pin you down and just torture you.

The closest I've come to having an orgasm during sex is masturbating and then having a dude stick it in right as I'm cumming. But it just felt like being interrupted while masturbating. But that was in high school, and since then I have explored by myself. Vibrators are useful for that. And I have had the big O from just a vibrator with no outside stimulation so I am thinking I can have it from just sex too. I think Scott might be the one to figure it out. But either way he said he likes to give oral, which is bomb. I haven't had a guy make me cum since 2005. Pretty much five years ago.

I'm a little worried that I'll bore him in bed since I am not into like butt plugs or whatever. He seems to really like me though, and I really like him. He fell asleep some time after five and I curled up with him and we woke to his alarm at like eight. So hard to wake up, but not hard to get him hard. Such a nice way to wake up but we are both so tired. Yet I can't sleep. I want him to think about me all day. He said he hoped I wouldn't get sick of him, which is funny because I was hoping he wouldn't get sick of me . I swear he can read my mind sometimes. He is picking me up from work tonight.
"and maybe we can do something out of the bedroom" he said.
"Out of the bedroom?" I teased.
I really like to actually hang out with him, it's just that we are in this new exciting part and I just can't help myself - my hands are always roaming across his body and feeling all of it. I have no idea what we'll do tonight though. He also mentioned we can go to his place, but he has a gal roommate. And I'm thinking if we come straight here from my work he can actually meet my family (but I didn't say that). I mean it wouldn't be on the top of my list but I do live with them. I asked if he was my boyfriend now and he said yes. Kind of awkward question to ask someone while you are naked and they are leaving. I already updated my Facebook, *yay*.
I have a feeling this is going to be serious and that scares me a little. But my head is filled with him and that makes me not afraid, it makes me just really happy. and hopeful.

First Date with Scott (a very long date)

2009-12-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

I am so tired I am falling asleep writing this post.

So Scott picked me up from work and he was being very charming, opening doors and all that jazz. I forgot how tall he is. He had this old white car and we drove to an Italian restaurant in downtown Santa Rosa and it was very nice. The waiter had to come back like four times before we ordered because we kept talking and not looking at the menu. To be honest I was so freaking' nervous. My lips were chapped and I had bad cramps from my period. I was kind of wringing my hands under the table. I didn't know what to say and sometimes he would look at me and I would just have to look down. Even with how shy I was feeling the conversation went well and didn't feel forced. One of the girls I sometimes work with sat at the table right next to us but neither of us said anything. He paid and asked me where I wanted to go - we had both talked about liking tea and I told him I could beat him at Rummy (a card game) so he had brought cards but it was way too cold to be play in a park or anything. So I invited him to my house.

I wasn't sure what to do once we got to my house. When I am nervous in my house I just fiddle with this and that, and that's what I did. I showed him my house (the family was asleep) and I even showed him the inside of my piano - obviously I didn't know what to do with myself. But I took out the cards and we played Rummy. I killed him the first hand and then it he was winning each hand until the end where I went all out, I won by 30 points (very close). I think I psyched him into thinking I was much better than I am. I asked him what he was doing for the holidays and he said he didn't know, he had planned to spend it was his ex's family but he had broke up with her around August; they had been dating two and a half years and lived together for a year. I didn't really know what to do with that; I just hope he is over her and I'm not a rebound.

We had a pot of tea between us and were very awake. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he was just enjoying my company. So we talked and stuff and at some point he was on the couch and I was too and I saw him shivering. Like not just a little, like a lot.
"Oh my god, you are shivering!"
"Yeah...I'm a little cold."
"Do you want a blanket? I can give you a blanket."
"Yeah."
So I grabbed my green blanket and threw it at him and he was still shivering - it was crazy, like his whole body was shaking. And then I just sat next to him and took his hands in mine to warm him up, and it was a natural thing to do but then there was silence between us and I realized what I had done - we hadn't touched before.
"Your hands are cold." he said.
"Yeah...I'm warm but when I...well I don't know."
"Bad circulation I guess."
"No, that's not why I mean I know why, it's just...my hands get cold when I am nervous. Like yesterday I was trying to record myself on the piano and being recorded makes me nervous so my hands were cold and I couldn't play very well. Sometimes when I am really nervous I giggle. People used to get so mad at me when I did it during musical theater; we would be backstage, about to start and I wouldn't be able to stop giggling."
I still had his hands in mine. There was this warm ache in my chest. I just wanted to be close to him. I got under the covers and he put his arm around me and I leaned into him and it seemed so natural even though I was so nervous and he was talking and I was trying to see his face when he talked but i just wanted to lay my head on his shoulder. And we sat with a little bit of silence and he said something about it being late. He also said that after I left the party he stayed up until morning with a bunch of guys playing cards in a tent (I was worried he had spent it with half naked chick). And I was afraid of all sorts of things. Like him deciding he didn't like me that much, of him not trying to or maybe not wanting to kiss me, maybe I got too close to him too fast, maybe a million things. I had to get up and when I came back we didn't slip back into sitting together and instead I faced him on the couch. We talked a little more and I don't even remember what he was talking about because I was thinking and after a pause he asked "Would you mind if I kissed you right now?"
"uh...no." and we both leaned in and kissed.
His lips were very full and soft and then we were making out. Sometimes when he kissed me it was perfect but I think a lot of it was figuring out each other. Sometimes he would do this thing that I don't like where he would leave his mouth wide open on mine and we would breathe into each other and move our tongues but not our lips. He had a little stubble which is cute but it scratched my chin.

Then we really got into it and were just making out and my hands went under his shirt and I was sitting on top of him and sometimes we would stop kissing and just look at each other and I would touch his face. His eyes are like a hazel brown but he doesn't open them very wide so it's hard to tell. It was getting much later an I was wondering if he was going to leave any minute.
"What are you thinking?" he asked.
"How long will you stay?"
"How long do you want me to stay?"
"How long can you stay?"
"I don't need to be anywhere until 9am tomorrow." and we started kissing again.
A little bit later I had all these thoughts. I don't want him to go but will he think I'm a slut or something if I do stuff with him on the first date? We haven't even known each other for a week, I should probably stop. But the kissing makes my brain not work properly. Will he leave if I don't have sex with him? How serious does he want this relationship to be? I kinda want our first time to be special or at least awesome - I'm on m period and my legs arn't shaved and I shouldn't sleep wit him on the first date, that's just not very classy. I can't believe he likes me.
He started talking between kisses. It's like he can read my mind.
"I don't want you to feel" *kiss* "pressured" *kiss*
"What?" *kiss*
"Don't feel pressured" *kiss* "we don't have to have sex or anything" *kiss* " I mean I would like to get you naked and do stuff" *kiss*kiss*kiss* "But I'll stay" *kiss* "we don't have to do anything" *kiss* "because I like you."
HOLY MOLY.
he continued. "and I want to get to know you more" *kiss* "you are really attractive" *kiss*

I stopped. "wait" I rolled to the side. "I can't think like that, you make my head all cloudy."
He laughed "ok."
"I want to mess around" I said, "but I'm on my period so nothing's going to happen with this" *waving hands over my lady parts*
"That's reasonable."
"and I have to ask...when is the last time you were tested?" Immediately I feel weird about asking. "sorry"
"No, it's good to ask. It's been a while but I'm in the clear unless my ex cheated on me but I don't think she did. So I'm good to go. And I'm guessing since you asked that you have been tested."
"yeah, I'm good."
He leaned in and kissed me again, drawing me closer. "So, I make your head cloudy?" He smiled.

We basically fooled around all night. We got naked (except my undies, the ones with the peace sign on the butt) and it got cold so we got under the covers in my bed. We were both really tired but didn't want to sleep. We had stayed up to 4am the night before and he said he was so excited about seeing me he couldn't sleep and got up at 7:30 (just like me). I think I was half asleep at some point because I remember dreaming and then feeling him kiss me. I started to give him a blow job, and he's average size except the head is kinda big and when he got close it would just get a little bigger and a little firmer and it was hard to do properly when it got bigger and firmer. I ended up not finishing him off and we just went back to messing around. But late at night (or early this morning?) he started kissing my nipples which was making me really want to have sex with him so I decided if he was going to torture me I would do it back. So I started rubbing his penis and holy moly he is sensitive after all that making out. He was squirming all over the place. It was awesome. He kinda suggested I get some lube and do it more. I hadn't given a hand job since I was 15. It was so much fun this time though. It was fun to watch. He got to see my naughty box when I got the lube out. I went slow and then fast to draw it out and he was moving all over the place and he sat up and grabbed me tightly and started kissing me and it was so hot. The lights were off and I didn't have my glasses on and he came and he was moving so much it went everywhere. I got a hand towel to clean it up and when I touched his penis he kind of jumped and I said sorry and he was like "it's fine, I'm just sensitive right now. You don't have to be sorry." I was saying sorry alot, like sorry for my hair getting in the way (it's long now, almost to my butt). So I told him the truth, I say sorry when I am unsure what to do.
I actually mentioned the blog at some point. When we talked on-line I had given him a link to my lastfm page so he could see what music I like, and then I suddenly realized it has a link to this blog on it and I had already posted about meeting him. He had said something about his hands being bigger than mine like three time so I thought he might have read the blog and how I am about hands but he said he hadn't. I'm not sure if I should give him the permission to read it or not. I mean it is public. He asked if the blog is public secrets but I said no, it's just honest.
We started hearing my brothers get up. I have no working clocks in my room but I later found out it was 6am. I think I drifted off a little but I never wanted to stop touching him and kissing him. It just felt so right. I just trusted him when I haven't trusted a man in a long time. He just seems like such a nice guy.
He said something about how he used to volunteer with a sexual assault awareness group and I froze up. Suddenly I realized I would have to tell him about the rape sooner or later. And then I just forced myself to get it over with. I felt so ashamed. I didn't want him to think I'm broken or dirty. But I figured what if I told him later and he walked out? Might as well tell him now. I was laying in his arms and I told him. I said it was my best friend, Jason, and he had been trying to get me to try oxy for months and I gave in and I think it was April 2006 and I couldn't move and Pat just left the room and all my friends just told me to get over it or they tried to ignore it. And I told him that I had a hard summer last year because PJ died and Jason touched my shoulder at the funeral and I had lost so many friends and I never reported it. And then I said something I didn't realize until I said it - I hadn't dated since then. And I told him that I was sorry to be all depressing or whatever but I knew I would have to tell him sooner or later and he brought up the subject so ...yeah.
I didn't know what he would say and I can't remember the exact words but he was basically sorry it had happened to me and said I should talk to a counselor or something because sometimes these things come up in unexpected ways and he just held me which was the most helpful of all. I told him I didn't want to see a counselor and I talked to God about it and that helped. And we didn't talk for a bit and when I am scared or really nervous I trace circles and figure eights and I did that to his arm and he did it to mine. Then I asked if he thought worse of me and he said no. He said he wanted to be with me for a while and he said lots of other perfect things and I was relieved because I was worried that he didn't plan on being with me for long. I had a little thought that panicked me - could I leave him for the Peace Corps? But then I reminded myself to take one day at a time. And after a while that conversation disappeared into the arriving morning.

It felt like a perfect dream and I never wanted to leave his arms and we kept kissing each other and running our hands everywhere. I have never been able to sleep or spoon comfortably with a person but I just fit in his arms and it felt all too good - he knew all the bad parts of me, my crazy family and how I'm a little damaged. And he still liked me. And he could talk and was saying all the right things and he feels so great. I like him way more than I've liked anyone and we have barley started. It is kinda scary and part of me is worried that I'm going to be more into him than he will be into me but somehow I think not. For my sign the best match is a Cancer - which he is. Just everything I would want in a man he is. He likes to cook, he likes hiking and the outdoors, he likes music, he is really smart, he is funny and easy going, He understands having a crazy drug addict mom, he likes to travel. Aw geez. It almost seems too good. But my mom admitted to praying for me to find a good boyfriend and she usually gets her prayers to the max.
I must have dozed off because his alarm made me jump. I rolled over and held him and kissed him and he said nice things. He waited until the last minute to get out of bed and before he did he promised to hang out again on Friday. Then when he was leaving he said he would drop by after work today (he gets off at 11pm). Putting on his coat he said he was supposed to go rock climbing Saturday morning but if it was rainy he would come here to see me before he had to work. I stood on my tip toes and kissed him as he left.
I was happy and sleepy all morning and napped a bit and then went to work, which was great today. I've been wondering if I should change my Facebook status from single or if that's too presumptuous. I haven't had a boyfriend since Jan. 2006, which he knows. I'm a little worried about my "number" and what he will think of it, and what his number is. It is like the only bad thing he doesn't know about me (I even mentioned my OCD). I have really bad cramps again (I have had them all day). I wish my period would end! I'm typing this trying to stay awake, I started nodding off at 8. I want to be awake when he gets off, I hope he really comes. I think he will. I think he wants to spend the night again because he told me he would come over but would need to "actually sleep". I hope he does.

Facebook Saves the Day

2009-12-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

So the day after the mountain party I woke up and went on my computer. I went on Facebook. Scott had already added me, which is kinda amazing because it was only like 11am and I had left at 4am and I didn't give him my last name. But yay. Ball in my court but still - should I comment on his page, text him, do nothing? I went for nothing.

Later that night I was on the computer again and Andon (the dancing guy) messaged me through Facebook. It always surprises me because I forget about Facebook chat. But we talk and have all this stuff in common. Turns out we were both at the Outlands music festival in August, and we like a lot of the same music. He just seemed more and more rad the more I talked to him. And he writes songs too and plays guitar and suggested we jam sometime. Then he said something odd, "I really like you." and then like 10 minutes later he said something like "You are really cool". And of course my mind can't deal with men so I'm like uh, does he like me or like like me? He's cool but didn't seem like the type of guy who would go for me. Very music hipster, but not snobby, just vintage-ish dress. But anyways I was talking to him and I noticed Scott was on-line so I started talking to him too. He seems really cool. We talked about this and that but he seemed distracted so I figured he wasn't interested in talking to me and was replying out of politeness. So I stopped messaging to see if he would message me and he didn't so I dropped it which was kind of disapointing. So I got off the computer and that was that.

Then yesterday I was hoping that one of those guys would talk to me again because maybe something would happen with one of them. So I left my computer on the Facebook page and went about my business - I was trying to record some songs on the piano using my computer. Then Scott messaged me. We talked and we ended up talking from like 9ish to 4am. Around 3am he suggested we 'hang out' the next day, but when I asked what he wanted to do and stuff it started sounding like a date - going out for dinner after work, he would pick me up. Of course I was super excited. I wanted to go to bed at like 10 but kept talking all night because I liked him.

So then this morning I woke up at like 7:30am because I was so excited about seeing him later. My mom suggested I go get a new outfit or something. So I went to Goodwill and Target but it was hard to find anything that was warm, cute and work appropriate. I ended up getting a long sleeve blue shirt and a purple tank top - just basics I needed anyways. My mom forgot to tell me we were leaving an hour early (she gives me rides to work) so I didn't even have time to shower (or shave) - but I did clean my room incase we came back to it.

Scott said that Facebook saved the day because he didn't have my number and I never called him - if it wasn't for Facebook we wouldn't be going on a date. It's also funny because I was randomly invited to the party where we met through Facebook. Huh.

Party on the Mountain

2009-12-05T15:55:00.000-08:00

So this guy Jax invited me to his party on the Mountain. I don't really know him well but I always got good vibes from him. He had a class or two with me my senior year at college. I used to stare at his hands. He wasn't really cute, had an ok body, but he had really nice hands and I liked the way he moved them. What is it with me and hands? He is one of those people that when they talk to you it makes it feel like you are the only person in their world. It isn't romantic though, just like this deep caring - I found out he is a cancer, there you go. He is graduating and so got a keg and invited everyone he knew.

So he tries to find a carpool I can join but most have filled up by the time I ask. I try and get Be but she is working and so I ask Crissy and she is out of her mind. She says she has to stay home and study. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!! god damn her she has school for only two days a week and she chooses Friday night to study? So I was really annoyed. But there was the beast - aka my dad's suburban that they use to transport the masses of children they have. So I drove that, which sucked. But I really wanted to get out - how often to I get invited to a party?

I pulled up on a dark mountain road and walked towards a lit up garage. I could hear people. I walked through a gate and there was a small crowd and a keg and around turns Jax. He was wearing an alpaca sweater and a beanie. He showed me the tour - first is dance world (the living room with a computer blasting music and some black lights) then there was food world (the kitchen) and then jam world, a room filled with instruments and a really nice sound system. There was all sorts of people jamming all night. There was also an outside deck and somewhere there was a hot tub but I never saw it. By the keg there was a fire pit and people sitting around it.

So I spent most the time by the music, duh. I didn't know anyone. This guy sat next to me, his name is Scott. He was cute, had a nice nose and smile. After a bit a whole brass band came in and I wanted to dance but I was too shy and then Scott and some other people jumped up and danced and then I just sat wishing I had jumped up too. I closed my eyes and listened, it was beautiful. Like a musical orgasm.

So I floated from the brass band that moved outside to the band inside. I danced with this guy wearing the most awesome classic like indie nerdy look, the glasses and hat and curly black hair. He danced and we kicked out legs at the same time like I did when skankin' to ska music. His name was Andon.

At one point there was this crazy jam and it was past midnight and I was the only one sitting listening to this great music. And suddenly here comes Jackson and another guy and they are buck naked. Running through the house. They pause right in front of me and dance to the music. Then run back to the hot tub. This guy sat next to me and we talked and he was super drunk. He kept telling me how much he hated his girlfriend, who would walk by every once and a while. It was weird. There was a freaky girl singer but i had no one to talk to so I listened. Then they tried to rap and I offered my gravy train rap but the drummer couldn't get the beat right so i kind of mumbled something and left the mic embarrassed.

I went to the fire and had a long discussion about perception and how people judge by appearances with this guy who was really nice. Then Scott showed up in a robe and started a hookah for everyone. And I talked to a green haired guy who ended up being a pagan who is also fond of XKCD (the web comic). Scott sat next to me and we had this amazing conversation and we had alot in common.

Turns out his mom was a crazy drug addict like mine and he gave me his number. I was trying to figure out if he wanted to be friends because he would be an awesome friend or if he was interested in being more than friends cuz he is cute. The crowd kept getting silent as soon as I said thing like "my mom had a poo fight with our neighbor once". Pretty silly. There was this girl who I'm guessing had been in the hot tub at some point and she had a robe on but it wasn't closed and she had a black bra and a mini skirt. The only thing I heard her say in the like two hours I was at the fire was "if anyone needs a place to sleep I'll share my bed..." and Scott jumped at that. Go figure, half naked chicks always win. At like 4 in the morning this girl (pre op becoming a girl actually) wanted a ride home so I did because I know people have given me rides home but I wanted to stay. When I got home I remember thinking, will I call Scott? What do I do with his number now? I can't believe I almost didn't go to this party, and how random I was invited because don't even know Jax that well.

And then right before I went to sleep I thought, I never really looked at Scott's hands, I wonder what his hands look like....

Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T21:57:00.000-08:00

So the holidays are upon us.

Thanksgiving creeped up on me. Usually we have it at my grandma's house. But this has been a tough year for grandma so we had it at our house. Which was stupid.

Everyone keeps coming back to grandma's like it is a magnet and they can't fight the pull. My mom's house is the opposite; it repels the whole family. Everyone got there 15 minutes before dinner was served and left immediatly after it was over.

Here is how the family breaks down on my mother's side:
Grandma had six kids: Uncle Fred is a single alcoholic (newly in AA) who likes any girl who will do him, sports, and gambling. No kids.

Uncle Ken moved to Idaho with his wife Babe, no kids. But they have a weird dog.

Uncle Lee is exiled; grandma has removed him. But he lives a block away and has a son who is my sister's age
.
Aunt Billie is a single mom with two kids, Crissy is my age and Ed is 12.

My mom has 3 biological children (Air, Me, Dean) and 2 adopted children (Gaggin and Neal) and then foster children. and my poor father.

Uncle Ted has 3 kids but never had custody of the two boys; he raised Be, she is two years younger than me. He has a girlfriend with two teenagers that are model children.

So we don't have T.V. at my house and my mom isn't turning on the radio for the game so that Fred can sit there worrying about his bets. He went into my room and used the computer to watch the game. He brought his girlfriend, who we have never heard of before and probably never will again. Next comes Ted and his girlfriend who is part of the family; she sits on the couch and smiles politley while the kids run around screaming. Ted cuts the Turkey while my mom says over and over "I can't do this by myself!". My dad is wresting the 3 foster girls into chairs. They hired my cousin Crissy to watch the boys and she is sitting at the kid table: she looks miserable. My mom spends the whole meal serving the kids. It is Gaggin's birthday so we put some candles in the pie and he eats in like five minutes so he can get the pie over with and have his presents. It is all he talks about. He is 4 now. He opens his gifts with no one watching except my mom. Mu uncle Ted does his classic manuever - he got my mom to buy his gift for Gaggin, he has no idea what he got him. He never buys gifts himself. We all pick names of adults out of the hat to see who we are buying gifts for this year - I got Ken's wife Babe. Could have been worse. Everyone starts leaving before the pie is even served, which is half way through dinner. Be shows up about that time, late, and my mom mumbles about how Be is so on drugs. We went to the midnight sales at the mall later and Be was halfway through a chocolate fudge cake, haha, munchies.

After dinner I flee to my room and look at old pictures of the family. I feel like they are all dead. I have a new family and they are not the one I grew up with. When I was young Ted never dated, I didn't even know Lee existed, Fred was married and smelled like a bar room floor, I had no younger siblings, we all lived in the same town...what happened?

My boss called and offered me more hours at work. At least I will have a chance at paying off some of my debt this year. I have a plan though.

My plan is to focus on work and composing my music and working out, and by January I should have most of my debt paid off and some weight gone and then I am going to find a fuck buddy. That is my plan. Nothing exciting will be happening for a while (I think) so I am going to back track and type up some older stuff. Until we meet again.

My Sexual History

2009-11-20T23:23:00.000-08:00

Since I am taking my sweet time typing up my Europe Journal and nothing interesting is going on I figured I would give like a little summary of my sexual history as of right now.

Less than Sex: My first boyfriend I was a little afraid of and couldn't talk to and we 'dated' for a week. To get back at me for dumping him he asked my friends to help him cross dress at school. Of course there was stupid spin the bottle kisses. There was this bi girl named Kristina who played Vampire with me and I think we kissed but it was part of the role playing game. I know she bit me a lot. In Madrid at the end of this pub crawl two guys in a row tried to take me back to the makeout corner and I kissed them each for like a second and then walked out because I didn't like them, I only kissed them cuz I was drinking a bit.

Warning: I sound kinda judgey about the guy's sexual performance, but that's because numbers 3 - 10 were one night stands and most one night stands just suck.

Sex:
1. Drew - first real boyfriend, dated for over 2 years. "Ended" when he confessed he was a man whore and was sleeping with well over 20 other girls. I couldn't say no though and I secretly continued dating him for like 5 more months, but making it clear that I was weening myself from him. I dumped him twice.

2. Westly - Dated for a year. He was a freshmen, I was a young senior (High School). I wanted something fun but then really liked him. He ended up being a douche. He broke up with me for no reason. And his sex drive was like once a week and I am more like twice a day.

3. Dana - I went to Santa Cruz, my friends and I randomly found this party and I drank 8 cups of beer in an hour. This guy told me his name and I told him he had a girl's name. I was mostly blacked out at this point. Spent like 5 minutes in the bathroom with him and then 5 minutes in someone's side yard cuz we got kicked out of the bathroom. I think I slept with him to prove I could since it had been such a long dry spell.

4. London Joe - Guy from London. Very polite. I wanted to sleep with at least one foreign guy and this one bought me beer.

5. Argentina Man - I was feeling crappy about sleeping with Joe when way hot Argentina Man came onto me. Uh...I make no sense.

6. Young Guy in Germany - went on a pub crawl, drank a lot, this young guy was giving me drinks and being all nice and somehow I went back to his hostel with him.

7. and 8. Turkish Guys - I was walking to my hostel, drunk, from #6's hostel and these guys cat called me. Offered me free weed. I was like heck yes and they were really surprised. We had a threesome in front of a church. The second guy didn't get his penis in me but I still think he counts as sex.

9. Rob aka Amsterdam Asshole - I spent a weekend in Amsterdam not eating, only having beer and 'space cakes'. Rob and I did it twice and then I found out he was married with a kid. He wasn't cute or good in bed either (I thought the first time was bad because we were so wasted and in a tiny shower). '

10. Lesson Exchanging Dick - He came over to exchange a guitar lesson for a piano lesson, and he smelled good and had nice hands. Lasted 3 minutes. Oh well.

A round number 10. It's kind of crazy, with many one night stands - I'm very sexual and sometimes insecure, so adding alcohol just makes me want to sleep with the nearest guy. I've never orgasmed from just sex, and only the guys I dated (1 and 2) ever made me orgasm (yay for oral). And that's all she wrote.

Hot Tubs (and why they suck)

2009-11-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

My mom loves water and is always cold; so she adores hot tubs.

But they suck. They are usually so hot I have to pop in and out, and the air is freezing so that sucks. But more importantly most people think it would be fun to have sex in one. It's hot and all the jets...right? no. Ladies know water just takes away any natural lubrication and shoves bacteria up where no one wants it. I've done it and the noise also blocks you from hearing people walking out to the patio, fyi.

So my mom got a new hot tub and got me in it for about 10 minutes. The next morning I took a shower. And then started the pain and torture of my bad luck. I started breaking out but not just normal breakout - big red sores on my thighs, back, tummy and chest. Then on my arm pits and bikini line. My nipples started to get these sores on them and my breasts hurt so bad I am wearing a normal bra with a sports bra over it. All my siblings and my mom have the sores too and my mom's ear was killing her so she went to the doctor - she got one of the sores in her ear canal. This is what we have (from wikipedia):

Hot Tub Folliculitis (also known as "Pseudomonas aeruginosa folliculitis") is a common type of folliculitis, a condition which causes inflammation of the hair follicle.[1]:272
This condition is caused by an infection of hair follicles due to the bacteria Pseudomonas aeruginosa. The bacteria is commonly found in hot tubs, water slides, and such places. Hot tub folliculitis appears on the skin in the form of a rash, roughly resembling chicken pox and then developing further to appear as a pimple. Hot tub follicultis is extremely itchy, and left alone without scratching will go away much more quickly. If the rash is aggravated, it can stay, worsen, and spread lasting for months. By that point it is much more difficult to treat. The dots usually go away after about 7 to 10 days, but the condition leaves a hyperpigmented lesion that goes away after a few months.

The doctor told my mom hot showers and shaving razors can spread it. ugh. a vinegar compress is the only thing they really recommend at this stage, if it gets worse they give you antibiotics.

And Richard has called me 3 times. I only answered once (the other times I wasn't around to answer). He called me in the middle of night to 'hang out'. I declined, told him to give me a call some other time. If he calls back anytime soon I'll have to pass again - how can I let anyone see me naked with all these sores? It looks like I have chicken pox or something! Plus guys always want to mess with the boobs and they hurt too much for that right now. I guess I am on someone's booty call list though.

Lesson Exchanging Dick

2009-10-31T19:01:00.000-07:00

So I was wishing for something to happen, wishing for a boyfriend or a lover or a one way ticket out of here. I am always working towards something but never getting there. So I go to sleep with this wish and I wake up to the phone ringing. His name is Dick. Who the fuck?

So I answer and it is this guy mumbling about a lesson exchange that I advertised like a month ago on craigslist, piano for guitar. He doesn't really know what to say and searches for words. He wants to come over. I tell him to give me 20 minutes. He comes over. I open the door and he is leaning against my railing with a blue acoustic guitar in hand. He is tall. Not really handsome but cute. I am immediately flustered and kind of ramble. I eventually give him a piano lesson, which he picks up really quickly. I like his big hands. When I lean in to correct him he smells nice. I like that he gets music. We sit down to play guitar. I am flustered and I don't get the strumming. He plays margaritaville for me, which I like because he sings well and guys playing instruments are hot. He looks over,
"You don't know this song, do you?"
"No..."
So we look on my computer and he looks at my itunes. He turns on free wheelin' Bob Dylan. He asks me if I have a boyfriend. I say no, no boyfriend. He asks me, "what would you do if I kissed you right now?"
"um....hope you don't get my cold?"
"What if I don't care?"
He leans over and kisses me. We are on my new bed which has way too many pillows. We are making out and he is on top of me. It kind of occurs to me I should stop him at some point but I don't really want to stop and there seems no right moment for it. So he asks me to take off my shirt and I do, and then he takes off my bra and soon we are both naked and I pull out a condom and he is on top of me. But my glasses have come off, and I realize I have never had sex without contacts or glasses (maybe I did at some point with my ex Drew when he was spending the night, but I knew what he looked like by heart). So I don't get the greatest view of this guy. But he is pale and average sized body (other than being tall and the hands). I'm not sure how big his penis is because I didn't even touch it with my hands, but it was hard to feel at first when we started having sex so that isn't the greatest sign. The whole time he was looking straight into my eyes and I couldn't take it, I couldn't hold his gaze. It mad me feel, like, more naked. But he asks me to get on top and I do and after (I swear) 3 minutes it is over. We both just put on our clothes, he had purple boxers, and as we are doing so he gets a phone call and has to leave for band practice. He says bye and tells me to call him sometime.
I couldn't believe it. I was happy because I was tired of that Amsterdam jerk being the last guy I slept with and I wanted to break in the new bed, and I wanted to meet a guy but I was too nervous and insecure about my weight. And here it just landed in my lap!
So I texted my sister Air and told her my guitar teacher kissed me (yeah, so I left out a few things...) and I told Juliette the truth. But I am not sure what he wanted. A one time thing? I was so shocked and happy I was in a daze. But of course the next day I avoided my phone to miss the urge to text him. I hate not knowing how things stand. I wish guys would just say "yeah, let's do that again sometime" or "well, nice meeting you don't call me".
So I flip a coin about 10 times to see if I should call him today. Every time it said no - can you believe that! But I text him anyways, saying he left his guitar picks. He texts me back with - no joke - "who dis?" and then I say "Sky, the chick you got a piano lesson from" and he says "ok" and that is IT. THE FUCKIN END.
I've been telling myself I shouldn't expect much because I slept with him right away, probably thinks I am a slut but he is a slut too why does it matter? At least we could be fuck buddys, we didn't have a real conversation so I don't think I would be hanging out with him. But I just got my hopes up. I thought it would be more than a one time thing. I don't even know why it matters because it wasn't that good of sex and he wasn't that hot. the one thing i did like about him was he had very nice cologne. So now I wish I didn't tell anyone (but at the time I was bursting to tell someone, I can't even keep my own secrets). I hate how guys are never straight forward. He already had sex with me, he at least could tell the truth!

The Fucking End of lesson exchanging Dick.

My Birthday Weekend

2009-10-25T18:19:00.001-07:00

So most of my friends have dropped from the scene. John comes on and off my radar, and Maria is kinda ignoring me kinda not, and Juliette is in Santa Cruz, and the rest have either died untimely deaths or were never really that close. So I have no one to party with on my birthday.

My birthdays have a bad habit of ending up horrible and I cry. But last year was great. Last year was my 21st birthday and I drank whiskey and orange juice and barfed everywhere and the people who loved me put me to bed happy, because tons of people had come to my party. Mostly because Maria invited them. My cousins came from Cupertino though, which was nice of them. Even Crissy came; I think it is the only party she has ever been to. I only have one picture of me in the hot tub just grinning like an idiot. No idea who took it.

But anyways, this year my birthday came again. I'm a Scorpio. Solitary and lonely is my curse. I posted this sad thing of facebook like what the crap am I doing for my birthday and my cousin Jenny invited me to her place in San Francisco. Heck yeah. So I took the long bus ride to her place. When I was the last one on the bus the driver asked me where I was going.
"Folsom and 8th" I said.
"Ok baby, we're going to take a short cut, don't tell anyone. what you doin' in the city?"
"It's my birthday."
"ooo giirrrrrlll, watch out! I'm not kidding man, watch your drink. I know a man should be able to buy girl but youse got your own money to let him buy you no drink. If you are on a date go ahead but no stranger, they going to slip you roofies or somethin'. girrrl, watch yourself. The city can be a dangerous place!"
The whole time this guy is going on all these crazy side streets drivin this fat bus. I was just like "uh-huh, thanks mister" and he dropped me off.
There wasn't really anything to do but wait for my cousin. I got dropped in front of some leather daddy store - the door to the store was metal and you actually had to press a button to get buzzed in. I walked down the street but it was all closed clubs and bars, or gay leather stores. Finally Jenny came. Jenny is actually closer to my Dad's age than mine, but she is really rad. She is in a band that is actually good and has played with other good bands and she owns a dog walking/boarding business. She picked me up in this big smelly van, she looks so much like my aunts.
"Let's make one quick stop, I need some gloves for my Halloween costume" she said.
So we went into the leather store but there were no gloves small enough for her hands - she wanted like biker cops, she was going to be a sexy police lady. So we went to another leather store that had a lady section of latex outfits. It was freaky. I can't imagine wearing all latex.
"These stores are...interesting" I said, looking at a giant suction cup dildo.
"When you get my age you will want something to add a little excitement" she said, thumbing through leather props.
"I'm sorry, we are out of that size glove." said the store clerk.
"How about billy clubs?"
"Sold out too, but we have some other types of clubs and we have whips" the clerk pointed to a wall of whips, paddles, clubs and other things. I looked in the corner at a chair with all sorts of pokey metal and leather instruments around it. hmmmm.
"Hmm," Jenny took down a bumpy club thing and then put it back. "nah, thank you though." and we went out.
"So what do you want to do tonight?"
"I don't know," I said "Whatever."

So we went back to her place. It was this little space between two normal buildings and there was a door, and when she unlocked that door it was like we were still in that little alley and you could see a small backyard that was grassy. Then we went into her apartment. It was small and when you came in you were in a tiny kitchen, to the left was a tiny living room and a bathroom and a normal sized bedroom. The walls were absolutely covered in art, band and concert posters, all sorts of stuff. She had mastered the art of living in a tiny space. It didn't feel cramped but there were lots of shelves and cupboards, and little see through colored curtains and colored glass hanging by the windows. She had a weed vaporizer in her bedroom and we smoked a little before we left. It made me feel stupid and all inside myself so I couldn't talk.
We sat around for a bit and then made our way out to a tapas bar on Mission. It was crowded and it looked like we wouldn't be getting a seat. So we started to leave and we ran into one of her friends, this dude I'll call Jeremy (I can't remember his name). Jeremy was like no no, we can totally get into to the tapas place and sure enough he got us in; he knew the bar tender or something. The food was bomb. We ate and chatted at the bar and after two or three rounds we left, Jenny was paying for me and I think Jeremy was paying for Jenny so he paid everything. Then we were supposed to go to a live music thing but instead we went to his house. We walked there, it wasn't too far and the night was really pleasant. His apartment was up all these stairs. His apartment was painted so cool. Even the roof was painted. It was all aztec themed. One of the bedroom roofs had a big sun on this rich blue sky and the rays of the sun were all squiggly and had little mirrors glued on them so it really shined. There was some girl in there too, I think it was a room mate. Jenny and Jeremy smoked more weed but I didn't want to. We went to three or four bars and briefly peeked in at a music place but it was too crowded.
One of the bars had this great outside patio, we got a pitcher of beer and drank under the stars. There was an overpass that went right to the side but it was raised so you could see under it and I thought this was strange. All through the night little funny things would come out. The only thing Jenny and I really had in common was family, we had never hung out before. So we talked about family but she grew up on the east coast with her mom, not her father who was my uncle Ron. She grew up near my aunt though. She let is slip my uncle Kral was using his antique shop as a front for cocaine back in the day, and our cousin Justin had got hooked very young. But we talked about other things too, like music. Most of the night was this happy haze for me.
We went back to Jenny's car eventually and she drove, which I was nervous about but she did it perfectly. I slept on her couch and felt drowned by dog hair. But it was ok, because I felt loved. After we woke up we went to the park to walk her dogs and we met some other dog walkers - this one guy wanted to be called crazy bill or something like that. Some other walkers recommended a place to eat so we went there afterwards. It was not normally a place I would go, or something I would try, but try it I did and it was fantastic.
Then Jenny drove me home for my family birthday party. We had it at my house because Grandma is still sick and I made the cake myself when I got home. On the way home Jenny kept talking but I hate talking in the car; I like looking out the window.
"Sorry we didn't see any live music last night like I said we would."
"That's fine, I had fun." I said.
"Well that's good. Jeremy just smoked me into submission..." she mumbled something and then we were both silent.

"You know that stuff I said last night, about Justine and that girl? You shouldn't repeat it and the stuff I said..."
"Whata re you talking about?" I said.
"Oh, you don't remember?" She said, her eyes opened wide, "Ok then, that's good!" she kind of sank her seat, relieved. I wondered what she had told me that I obviously don't remember. Family secrets lost in a drink.
Jenny smoked more pot before we got there so she could mellow out, I think she was nervous about talking to the family. She had grown up so far away from her father's side of the family so I think she feels like an outsider looking in sometimes. But heck, I grew up here and I feel the same sometimes. But the cake was nice and everyone gave me such great presents - like ones that were not very my style, but were so typical of them it made me love them more. Like Aunty Air gave me a blank birthday card with a post it inside of it saying I should sell my own cards to make money. That was her present - and the card, she said she didn't write in it so I could use it again. So her. Be and Uncle Ted got me a nice purse though, with a scented pencil and a car shaped nail clipper inside. Oh my family. My mom also gave me a picture of some chairs she wanted to get me from Target (but never did).

Now I'm 22.

the funk

2009-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

so the funk is what I call my depression crazy-ness thing. It feels a bit like drowning. you go under and then sometimes you cup up, get a little bit of air and then you are sinking again and there is a point where you stop fighting and you just sink and everything gets darker. I call it the funk because it feels really funky.

Signs of the funk include sleeping a lot, not bathing/grooming, not changing clothes, not eating, lack of human contact, feeling very sleepy, not caring about anything, joys such as music and books no longer matter, then comes the self harm and fantasies of suicide and then the plans of suicide but really at that point I'm too tired to do anything and i just lay in bed wanting to die and hating myself.

Yeah, the funk is fun like that. I had it on and off for a long time but it got really bad summer of 08. So I went to the doctors. They did test on e, saw my iron was low but even with it raised I wasn't feeling un-funkified. so they gave me celexa which improved me a little i guess but i still laid in bed all day so they added an upper called welbutrin and that immediately improved my mood and i was getting out of bed and my problems didn't seem so bad and blah blah blah. But is did make me feel on drugs and sometimes I would see stuff or stuff would glow and it made my head kinda foggy and my skin all tingly and odd feeling. I liked the Alice in wonderland feelings but I knew it wasn't a good thing to live in that kind of fog. sometimes i would feel down but it was more of a dip than a plunge and i always came up.

But then there was the peace corps to think about. I want to join really bad and they hinted that my mental problems may make it so i can't go. and once they decide i can't go i may never be able to go. !!! So I was freaking out and I decided it was time to get off the pills and show that I was all better. except i should have been taking them longer. but the doc didn't argue when i said my insurance was ending and so i went off of them in late august.

And now it is October and my medical re-review comes in February and my dad suggested starting to pay for it now since my insurance really is over (you get kick off your parent's insurance when you graduate college). Yesterday I went to bed at 8:30pm and was woken at 8am. I took an hour nap at 11am and then an hour at 3pm and then I slept from 5 to 9:30pm. I have not bathed in at least 5 days, I have not changed my clothes in at least five days. I say at least because I can't remember the last time I did either.

I have lost many friends and I didn't have many to start with. I am alone. I have no job outside the house so I have no reason to leave it. I stay in my room, I babysit, I sleep, I watch netflix movies and shows. I just lay around. For dinner tonight i had a can of corn because I just don't have the energy to cook anything. I don't want the funk to come back. I think it wouldn't if I just had some exercise and social contact. But I can't get either. I don't know ho to get friends and I am just so tired. I sometimes just feel ready for the big sleep. I just want to old on to some sanity until I get to February, just leave and start my adventure and then I will have work, a purpose, forced into meeting all sorts of interesting people. Some people say when you run from your problems they follow you, that you can never get away from yourself. But I think I would be better if I left.

Conversations

2009-10-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

My mom is in the kitchen, and I am on the couch in the living room, in the new house there is no wall separating the two rooms so we watch each other.

"I do all this cleaning and your father never says a word."

"He cleans too mom."

"When? He does a load of laundry here and there."

"He does the dishes. I hear him at night when he goes to work."

"I hear you at night too missy; cooking dinner at 10 at night!"

"If I had a stove or fridge in my studio I would cook in there."

"Have you been looking on-line for one?"

"I don't have any money, I am in debt, remember?Lots of debt."

"You know, I hear you can make a bit of money showing your boobs on the Internet."

"WHAT? You want me to whore myself out?"

"Well, I'm just saying, do a little modeling...of your breasts."

This is how all conversations go in my house.

Bad Luck

2009-10-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

So H.S. dude turns out to be a waste of time, go figure. He likes to text me every time he hooks up with someone. he'll do the whole "how are you" thing and then say something like "yeah, I hate how everyone in town knows when you hook up - our town is so small!" and it kinda ended for me when he said he had to take two showers because it was one of "those" one night stands. What does he mean by those? Those that have STDs? Ew. And he still texts me like he wants to see me.

So my computer died, and I went into debt to buy another one. My un-lucky streak is not over. And my new job is on call and sucks, takes 2 hours to get there (and then two back). I am surviving off of babysitting and odd jobs. My mom is getting two more foster children. I would say something like kill me now, but it also means she will need more babysitting and I can rake in the dough. And the boys' adoptions are final. Yeeeeeah. And my sister went back home. Exciting. (can you hear the sarcasm?)

I am decidedly overweight, and need to lose weight immediately. Well, after this brownie. Isn't it weird how it sneaks up on you? This is how my weight has been going:

End of H.S. (2005) - 165

I start yoga (06) - 150

Misty makes me her maid of honor, I try to lose weight (07) - 175

I diet hardcore and go to gym(early 08) - 165

I get depressed (late 08) - 175

I am stressed finishing college (spring 09) - 185

I go to Europe (early June) - 170

I drink a lot in Europe, then do nothing in N.C. (late June/July) - 185

I try to eat less and exercise a bit (Aug/Sept) - 175

I lay in my room for all of September - 185

This is really annoying. I eat healthy and don't ever have fast food or soda so it is really annoying that people I know can drink booze and soda and eat crap and are still waaay thinner than me. And it is just genetics, I know that. I have to lose weight though. Basically I just want to look better naked and fit into nicer clothes. I have pretty much decided not to seek out sex until I lose weight. At least it is getting cool enough outside so I can actually do stuff and not lay on the ground dying of heat stroke.

I am going to go a spell tonight about getting better luck (maybe tomorrow night, I'm not sure). I need to pay off this debt and save up for another trip and get some friends and make some music and get some booty and lose some weight and then collapse fulfilled.

Oh, and I read that book by Tucker Max. (google it, I'm not linking the site). He is basically an ass hole who drinks and sleeps with chicks and destroys property and then writes about it. Very funny. But if you are an overweight girl it kills you. He has stories about sleeping with over weight girls and it is not nice. Oh, enough with my weight issues. I think I am going to do some back posts before I write anything new. I will probably be writing about my family in the upcoming posts, so brace yourself.

I Give the D like it was Jesus.

2009-09-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

Today was really eventful. I feel like the tides are changing. I have been having some bad luck, which is weird because normally I am very lucky.

But check this: got a random job from someone who knows someone who knows my mom, they somehow knew I was a tutor and I got a gig helping a lady pass the math section of the GED. $90 worth of tutoring!
During that job I got a call from an after school program that wanted me to come in for an interview to be a sub for their after school teachers. I went over and I got the job. All I have to do is get a TB test.
Viki called, she is going to put in a good word for me at the book store she works at. I applied there and I still want that job because I don't really want to be a sub. I want regular hours and regular pay. Something I can count on. But the subbing pays more and looks better on my resume than being a bookseller would. We shall see though. (hope i get it, hope i get it) I want to have both jobs but I don't know how that will work.

I have formed a bad habit of posting to the Craig's list casual encounters/personals. I actually posted "curvy girl looking for good sex". A dude who went to High School with me responded. Hella weird. He used to be on the football team, I didn't pay much attention to him because he acted like an idiot. In his e-mail he wrote "hi u look familiar, kinda like a cutie i remember in high school, so ill take it slo for a sec. I'm in town, you can check out my facebook. Good sex is an understatement, i give the d like it was jesus."
haha, best line ever. the d like it was Jesus. My ad was forward, as were all the other men who responded, but when I actually talked to him on facebook it was about like what we had been doing since h.s. and music we like. And he knew about doctor who! I tried to move the conversation to the sexual sphere but he started talking about relationships. Then we actually had me arguing against relationships and him arguing for them. It was weird. Again the stereotype that men just want sex is broken down. Men as people with feelings is so much more confusing than men that only care about beer food and sex.
So we talk, go to bed late, next day arrives and then I do my day stuff and at night crawl into bed to check my e-mail and suddenly I'm thinking, oo did he e-mail me? This is why I hate my brain. Slightest bit of attention and suddenly I am thinking about this guy a whole lot. A male friend of mine had a long conversation with me while we were drinking whiskey, and then the next time I saw him I said my little brother told me I would be reincarnated as a black widow spider and he said I would never because I am not like that at all. he said it twice. for like a month I kept thinking about him. This is what gets me in trouble. I wasn't even attracted to him before that!
Also, an old friend is coming to town for the weekend. We almost hooked up at his going away party, we were pretty drunk which is why I decided to decline at the last minute. So now I am thinking about asking him if he would like to hook up (hey, and I am not even drunk!). But I'm afraid he will say no, and afraid it will be very awkward if he says no and tells his friends. He isn't that attractive either. I am just really horny I suppose. Or I am longing for some kind of connection, with a dick.
If I don't have sex this week I will scream. and then buy a new dildo.

I think I lost a friend

2009-09-15T23:19:00.000-07:00

I am having a really rough day.

I've been emotional lately, I'll acknowledge that. Not many people have seen me cry, I don't really get mad. But the past few weeks everything just gets to me. I catch myself crying at commercials and stuff. So it's probably that I am coming off of some anti-depressant medications. but I don't know, and I can't change it either way.

So I've been calling Maria and John a lot. My two best friends. John has been busy trying to get sober and I've been traveling so I haven't seen him much. But Maria and I are best friends and I see her all the time. Except not for the past month or so. She wasn't ever calling me back, never hangs out. Would only make vague plans to meet up and then wouldn't be there. I was annoyed and thought, oh well she doesn' have a cell phone maybe she just isn't getting the messages but then I e-mailed her. And she e-mailed me back. This is exactly what she wrote:

"The reason I haven't called you is because I have been very busy with my new job and current art projects. Also, I don't really want to hang out at your house and when I bring you around my friends I've noticed that you are fairly condescending toward them. You may not agree with that because you don't realize yourself, but it is apparent to everyone who it happens to and I see it too. They are all perfectly nice and you choose to in a way talk down to them, snub them if you will--it's not very nice. So I dunno, I don't really invite you out to hang with them because of this. "

I honestly had no idea I was acting condescending. I have no idea. But I guess it is similar to my sister saying I act "better" than her. I have no idea how I do it, it isn't like I think I am better or anything. But I was just really hurt by this. I cried on and off for an hour and then started baking (I know, I'm going all Izzy Stevens on you). I mean, I don't have very many friends, and she is my only hang out friend (like friend who hangs out with me on a regular basis). Then I thought - John hasn't been calling me back either. He is really flaky but maybe I am making excuses for him just like I did Maria.

Magically an hour later John calls. He has been avoiding me because he was back on H, and now he is in rehab. Has been there for a week. I just started laughing because just when everything is falling apart it is like god just pokes me and says "oh, it's not that bad". So at least he is ok and I have him.

But I don't have anyone to hang out with and I have to go get my bike from her house tomorrow. She lives in the next town. It kinda feels like breaking up with someone. The surprise, the crying, the getting of stuff and the whole awkwardness thing when you see each other. But of course it isn't as bad as breaking up. The worst part for me is that I have no one to hang out with now. I don't really know how to make friends, that much is clear. And apparently I am condescending but I don't know when I am doing it so I can't really control that.

I e-mailed Juliette and asked her if we were still friends and told her what Maria said and she thinks that Maria has her own problems and just can't deal with my problems and her problems right now, because she had to take up a waitressing job and couldn't transfer schools. Wow, (I sarcastically think), her problems are so hard...she has a job but still lives with her parents so she has no bills, and she didn't transfer because she missed the application deadline which was her fault and she can apply this year. Maria is a cool person but she thinks she is smarter than everyone. She likes to remind me that she would have graduated sooner than me and with better grades but she was having actual fun instead of applying herself, and that she had depression once too so why don't I just get over it. I guess if you don't know much about Maria she sounds like a bitch there but she listens and takes me on adventures and once she helped me take a pregnancy test (she even got someone to steal it for me) and she got my pee on her hand. That is how good a friend she is. or how good I thought she was. She thinks I am being over dramatic and vaguely said we might hang out again one day but somehow it made me feel worse than ever.

My own enemy

2009-09-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

It is really frustrating:

I am feeling a bit lonely, an I am daft in the head so I've been laying about watching this old show called Doctor Who. It is si-fi shwo about a alien time traveler name 'the doctor' and a london girl named Rose. Except that I am now watching the second season and they are going with this depressing theme of the Doctor not really loving Rose or maybe leaving her when she so obviously loves him, which is odd because before they were not in love. and they keep exposing the doctor as a guy who loves them and then leaves them. So that got me in this mood and I was listening to all these London accents on the show and I suddenly thought about the man I slept with in London. His name was Joe.

I was staying at Earl's Court (South Kensington, I believe) and there was the Irish Pub called O'Neill's down the street on the corner and it is all blue on the outside. I sat down in the mostly empty place, it was May 30th which wasn't anything special I think and then all these people start sitting at the table I am at. Turns out some photography website on-line meets once a year and I happened to be at the table they planned to met at in the pub they planned to meet at. and so on. But since they are all Internet buddies and don't know what their friends look like in the real world they had no idea (at first) that I wasn't just another member of their group. This guy Joe is the first to talk to me, and he ends up talking to me all night. The name of their group sounded vaguely dirty so at first I thought I walked into something weird but they were all really fun.

The thing is the next morning I decided I never ever wanted to try to look him up. I have a bad habit of getting attached to just about anything. Heck, I looked up and wanted to befriend via facebook this guy I slept with in Santa Cruz. I don't remember much of that meeting, but another story for another day.

So I sabotaged myself. All I wrote in my Journal is that I met Joe in a pub and came home around 6am. There was loads more to that story and the details are all slippery and I can't remember them. I figured out the pub because I used Google Maps, it was only down the street from my hostel. But that leads me to why do I even care? This guy was a one night stand and I'll never talk to him again.

Well, I'll post the full story of him later and maybe you can tell me why I have a soft spot for that memory. I think I already know.

Edit: the story of Joe is here but his whole "fair enough" thing made me crack up laughing every time someone said that ever after (which is alot in Europe).

First Post

2009-09-13T19:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is how it is going to go down.

I am going to do this post and then I am going to go through my journals and write in everything that has happened since I took off in May. Because this has been a crazy summer and you should hear all of it first hand, not in side remarks. There are also some bits on information I find interesting (like history) kinda mixed in.

Two things to know - I am trying to keep this annonymous, mostly because if anyone I know reads it they will either be hurt by what I say or shocked by what I say. Because no one in my family tells the truth and everyone has secrets. And this will be like laying my underclothes to dry on the lawn. So if you figure out who I am, keep it to yourself. Names are changed to protect everyone involved.
The other thing to know is most of the posts include details of my sex life. If you find this and you are related to me just you've been warned. No one wants to picture their family doing some things.

So now you got the warnings here is the gist. I'm Sky and I need an outlet so I am going to write about my life here. I hope people will read it because sometimes I feel alone in this. My family are completly nutts and my friends are crazy and everything is all wrong. So it would help me if you just lended an ear and hope this has a happy ending.

Enjoy.

Bonjour Paris

2009-06-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

I love Paris. I've been here for about 24 hours and within the first few I thought to myself, I could live here. They use a 24 hour clock, the streets are small but the sidewalks are big, everything is small. Everything is beautiful, every building and every person. I was told that Napoleon knocked down all the dirty ugly wood houses and paid to build these beautiful stone apartments all through the city, just for beauty's sake. Isn't that amazing? I keep looking at the sky thinking I am in a different world with the same sky. But actually the light is different here, I didn't notice at first but it is softer.
Yesterday I got on the train to Paris and this guy sat next to me.
"That's my seat. I'm supposed to have the window seat." He seemed kinda angry.
"Oh, sorry. Want to switch?"
"No." He seemed resentful.
"Are you sure?"
"How about we switch half way through?"
"I'm going to fall asleep half way through. Why don't we switch now?"
"No, you sit there."
Sure enough I slept the whole time. When the train stopped and I woke up I could hear him grumbling about how I took his seat and then wasted it by sleeping.
Juliette's friend is letting me stay with her and her family in the Latin quarter. Her name is Carla and she is about my age, and her brother is like 15 or something and his name is Sandro. Carla an I didn't recognize each other at first so I had this nervous moment at the train station where everyone was clearing out and I didn't know where to go. But Carla found me and I followed her to the metro. She walks so fast, it is like running. Her house is super cool. You open this giant blue door and you go through a hall that leads you to a big courtyard. If you look up there are tall white apartment buildings. The lift inside could barley fit Carla and I, we were touching because it was such a tight fit. But the staircase is beautiful and spirals to the ceiling. I've heard the apartments are small here but really it was just comfy. The bathroom and toilet room are separate which is kinda cool. Carla let me use her room. I never really figured out where the parents sleep though. All the furniture and floors are made of dark wood and the sun shines through the many windows that overlook the courtyard. It is beautiful.
Carla is skinny with curly brown hair that is wispy thin. Her brother is fuller and his hair is in thick curls. Carla walked me around her neighborhood, it was like having a tour guide because she knew the history of everything. Carla is studying history and anthropology at a famous school called...Sabrone (I think). She is hard to get to know. her brother is much more friendly and we talked about music, his favorite band is Ramstein. The whole family speaks broken english. They all seem to love art and museums, they just keep telling me museums I have to see.
I was up until late last night, and I didn't wake up until almost noon. Sandro was just coming home for lunch - he gets two hours for lunch, weird eh? I think they need a break from me sometimes because it is a struggle for them to speak to me and I sit back and know no french. Well, I know "je suis fatiguee" and mange (or is it manger?) is to eat and alonz-y is let's go (not the right spelling), oh and preservatif! I want to get my hair cut in Paris but I don't think it is going to happen.
The TV is on and MTV has some stupid show recorded in English and voiced over in French. Stupid. I walked all over and got lost a bit today. Then Sandro took me to Notre Dame and the river. Sandrow as so easy to talk to the first night I met him but now he was nervous and couldn't talk. I think he was starring at my boobs at one point. He kept asking me if I wanted a drink and I kept trying to say "whatever you want" but he didn't understand. So we sat at some bar cafe thing outside and he had a cherry coke and I had a beer. I didn't ask for a beer but that is what i got (in the middle of the afternoon!). It was good, I think it was called picon. I had no trouble drinking it, which is rare for me and beer. The bartender came over and tried asking me something, but Sandro must have told him I didn't know English.
"Ah, American!" the guy said something in french and then pointed at me, like 'tell her'.
Sandro was carrying a dictionary around and starting flipping through it.
The waiter yelled what I think was does anyone speak english?
The guy at the table next to our came over and talked to the bartender and Sandro and then leaned down to me smiling and laughing, and he said "you will like this, very good" and he pointed to my beer. OK....
Anyways Carla and her mother are making dinner and I'm sitting on the couch listening to music. I'm hungry but I have no idea what I will say to the family during dinner.

Leaving London

2009-06-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the Hostel's lounge for the last time; I just checked out and I have to catch my train in an hour. I'm just waiting for my laundry to be done - this girl from my room (Avril) and I are doing our laundry together to save money.
So last night I couldn't sand it any longer. When I get a bit of sex it is like a flip switches and suddenly I am on. I posted a note in Spanish for the Argentine that said if he wanted to talk again I would be in the back lounge after dinner. But I don't think he was interested. Maybe it was because his friends saw it and thought it was funny, or maybe some other reason. At first I was really bummed out and I felt unwanted. But he came onto me the other day - he wanted me obviously. Why let a failed invitation turn the memory sour? I'm actually ok with it now I think. There are more guys in Europe, and from what I can tell many of them find me attractive.
Anyways, I became friends with the girl Avril. We had dinner together and sat at the tables in the garden - the whole time the Argentines kept staring at us and every once in a while they would poke and whisper something to the guy I slept with and they laughed as he turned red, and he just starred at me. After dinner Avril and I sat in the lounge for half an hour (she knew of my encounter with the Argentina man). I didn't want to stay there hoping for him to show up. I turned to her and said "Didn't you say you wanted to go to the pubs?"
So we went to The Blackbird, where I had seen soccer/football boys before. We immediately got hit on by drunk men and I oogled the cute bartender. Then we went for a walk and found a bar that is open for the longest hours - Infinity, the gay bar. We got two pints of cider. They had this TV playing music videos and this drunk man kept coming over to April.
"I'm homosexual, but you look fantastic! If I was straight honey.You made my day! Want a pint? I'll buy you drinks - that is how you repay a lovely lady for her beauty she shares with the world!"
We giggled as he talked. Avril is tall and dark with long legs and curly hair to her chin. She has a wide smile and bright almond eyes. We had so much fun. He kept apologizing to me, he thought she was my girlfriend and that I might be offended that he was eyeing her. It's too bad we didn't go on the weekend - I bet that place is a blast.
We left and got followed by some random drunk guy who wanted us to come home with him. We told him what bar we just came from and he stopped in his tracks.
"...the gay bar?"
and we laughed. He gave us each a cig but we were all too buzzed to use the matches, they just kept going out even as we all huddled together trying to use them as a team. When Avril and I got back we sat on the steps for an hour. Some Japanese guy lit my cigarette for me. We saw the Argentines come home but they didn't say anything. We went to bed around two in the morning. But when I went to look for my vibrator I realized someone had stolen it. Someone had stolen my vibrator!
When I checked out I couldn't think of how to breech the subject but I wanted to mention it, I had just bought it and it was a very nice vibrator. Waterproof too. When the women checked me out she asked how my stay was.
"Nice, I like London. Nice people, lots of trees for a city. But you know, something was stolen from my room - I think it was last night. It is small and white, about this big, round with flat top that had three little bumps on it."
"Well I don't know if anyone found anything, what exactly is it?" her head tilted to the side questioningly.
I leaned in, "It's my vibrator."

As I left I realized someone also stole my ATM card out of my pants pocket while I was sleeping (I slept with them on).
Jesus titty fuckin Christ.

Early

2009-06-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

Maria's Birthday. I'll have to call her later.
Ugh, so early. I couldn't sleep all night. I felt like a jerk every time I moved in the bunk bed because the whole thing would creak and sigh as it moved around, I could just feel the hate coming from the other girls in the room (there are eight bunk beds). I'm tired and I don't want to do anything but I don't want to waste my time here. I only have a week in London and the only thing I did yesterday was behind closed doors. I mean, this may be the only time in my life that I'm here and I'm going to hang out in a hostel? Somehow the sleepiness is telling me that it would be far more satisfying to chill here than roam the city getting lost and starring at famous buildings. The only thing I really don't want to miss is the British museum but I still have a few more days. I hope I don't regret it later. I hate when people ask "oh, did you go see this or that?" and I'll be like "no" and then they will explain why I should have seen it and I won't agree but will smile and nod anyways. I predict this in my future.
I'm in the kitchen in the hostel and there is this old guy in his robe with half his stuff hanging out, making something on the stove. His hair is sticking up and he is going bald. Kind of gross, kind of interesting - it is like sitting in the back of some middle aged man's kitchen. Smells that way too.
I have to confess, I am a fool. I am kinda hoping to run into the Argentine again. He won't get up until later (I think), so I guess he'll find me if he wants to. I hope he wants to.

Oh it's too early. Decent people are asleep.

I get laid in London (twice!)

2009-05-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

I actually wrote this mostly in Spanish, because that is what I do when I am afraid someone will read my journal (and hey, none of my family can read Spanish). But here it is in English for you.

Last night I went to a Pub to drink some beer, all classic English whatever. I went in and the bartenders were busy because there was some kind of game and alot of drunk guys celebrating the game. I didn't even know what to order, I just was like "uh whatever seems good to you..." which is where bartenders give me the idiot look. The Bar maid was nice about it though and it was pretty good beer, and another bartender was pretty hot but I didn't say a word. I drank and I left. I decided to try another bar with less sports fans and a found one on the corner that seemed nice. It was kind of empty for such a big place. I found out later this is because the English drink early and the bars close early - unlike the US where no one goes out until 9 or 10. But anyways. I am almost alone and I sit at this giant table by myself and drink my beer because I feel super weird and I want to just go back to the hostel and crawl in the covers and never come out.
Then a guy sits at my table. Then a girl and another guy and so on until in ten minutes the table is filled with laughing smiling people who all seem to know each other. One of the guys leans in and asks me what my screen name is. I am looking at him like he is a lunatic. He is medium height, dark hair, pale skin and right away I get the nerd vibe. I can't remember much more than that about how he looks. Turns out this Internet photography group meets here once a year and I happened to sit where they were planning on meeting. The nerds all 'know' each other from on-line but don't really realize I am not one of them, except the guy named Joe who talked to me. Some blond guy grabbed by butt and took some pictures of me and Joe. Joe talked to me all night.
An hour later everyone is clearing out and Joe offers to take me to another bar he thinks stays open a little later. He pays for a tube ride for us and we walk to it. He isn't super cute but he is really nice and super polite. When we get to the bar they are doing last calls and he gets me some hard cider, which I have never had before and I think it is wonderful. He is a pharmacist or something, he also likes Modest Mouse (my favorite band). No idea what else we talked about. He invites me back to his place for some wine.
I know that agreeing to go back is like saying yes I will have sex with you but I tell myself I can still change my mind. Somewhere on the walk he says or I realize that the tube is closed now and I'll have a harder time getting home if I go home before morning. So we get to his house and his roommate has friends over and they are drinking Rum in the living room and we say we will join them but we have water in the kitchen instead. I think he kisses me at this point and asks if I want to come to his room. I pause and look down, biting my lip. He is so nice I practically have to sleep with him. I say alright. We go up to his room.
It was good in the moment. We kind of mess around. It's funny at first because every time he wants to do something he asks permission. Like "would you mind if I put it there?" and if I say yes he says "cheers mate" and if I say no he says "fair enough". So the conversation goes something like:
"Can I kiss you there?"
"...sure"
"Cheers mate"
"would you mind if we..."
"I don't really want to"
"Fair enough, fair enough"
He can't seem to stop touching me. That is the best part - how much he wants me. Even when we agree to go to sleep he keeps spooning me, running his fingers over me, holding my breasts. It seems mildly comforting but I can't sleep. I'm still not on London time. I stay up all night. My head starts thinking too much and by the time I see the sun coming up I can't wait to get as far from there as possible, and take a shower. I don't think he slept much either because he was awake and he tells me he was too drunk to "give me a proper seeing to" the night before so we do it again. As I am getting dressed he caresses each part I am about to cover until I am fully clothed. He was just so sweet to the very end, it was almost sad. I assured him I could find my way back, and I left.
But the nearest tube station wasn't even open yet. So I walked a bunch until I found an open one and I was kind of flustered and creeped out because no one was on the streets and I couldn't figure out the machine to get a ticket. Some Janitor or something came and helped me. I felt horrible about sleeping with him and it felt like everyone knew. I finally got to the hostel and took a long hot shower and then slept, my wet hair dripping on my chest and clothes.
I woke up much later with the sun shining in. I walked half awake to the super market and got some chocolate mouse cake. I was just feeling crappy, like I seem to do after one night stands. I was just beating myself up in my head. Why did I sleep with him? Did I do it just to be polite? I mean, really? Did I have to get wasted every time I wanted sex? Was I desperate or did I just look for my worth in men? Bah. So I ate cake.
While I was eating, that hot Spanish guy was watching me. I laid on the bench outside and he sat at another table, watching me. When I went inside to wash my plate he was sitting in there so I started talking to him. He was from Argentina, he could speak ok English and had a really hot accent. He was giving me the eyes all over the place. After about ten minutes he asks me if I wanted to explore the garden with him (there is like nothing to explore, it's rocks). I said ok. We went outside and tucked behind the corner of the building. He asked where I had been on my trip and I pointed to the map in my journal, showed him where I was going. He pointed where he and his friends were going, all the top places for parties he said, except he didn't know the word for it.
He said something like "my partner and I are going to places for...how do you say it? good times?"
I laughed " your partner?"
"Does this not mean what I think it means?"
"Partner means, like, como novio" and I laughed again.
"oh, no" he smiled and leaned back. He was tall with dark wavy hair and a broad smile, "we are best of friends. I like girls." He smiled and look at me. I felt nervous.
He touched my hand. His hands were big, they swallowed up mine. It was like fire ran all through my body. He did that classic leaning in, "do you have a boyfriend?"
"no."
And then he kissed me. He had these soft full lips and one of his hands ran through my hair, pulling me closer. He had light brown skin and soft brown eyes. We made out on the side of the garden. His hand went up and down me. His other hand ran down my back and I let my hand trail from his neck, chest, torso, groin...
"do you want this?" he asked me in his accented English.
His cock was thick and hard.
"Do you want to come with me, in the showers?" He asks.
I smile and say yes. He holds my hand and we practically skip up towards the stairs. I am on the second floor but he is on the one of the top ones, we seem to go up forever. He meets his friend on the stair way but they speak too fast and I can't understand them. He goes in his room to get a condom and then we duck into the shower. The lights didn't work. The door closed and we were in this warm humid darkness.
He was intoxicating. He guided me without being forceful. He was such a good kisser. He kissed my breasts perfectly, touched all the right places. We couldn't really do it standing up because I am so short and he is so tall. I got on all fours and he was behind me.
"Harder." I said.
"¿Cómo?"
"Con más fuerza!"
He laughed and understood. Then I got on top and he grabbed my hips and said "suave, suuuaaaveeee, mas sueave" and made me go slower and deeper. It was more sensual than anything I have ever done before. He asked if I liked it better hard and I admitted yes and he laughed a little and said "ah, but I can do suave y hard" and he did. He grabbed my hips as we went faster and faster, harder and harder. The whole time he would reach up and touch my breasts and he kept kissing me.
He finished and apologized for it ending. I said something like "it's fine" and kissed him. I got up and we put on our clothes. I felt like every nerve ending was tingling. No O but that is the closet I have ever come with just sex. It was so hot in the shower my clothes stuck to me. He left first, then I left carrying my shoes.
He said something like "see you in the garden" but I'm not sure what he meant by it. I hope we meet up again. Heck, I'd do it in the garden if it's nighttime.
I was sober and it happened so easily. It is odd but for the first time I don't have the instant wave of shame and horrid feelings.Two guys in the same day but completely different feelings. I was praying to god about my sex life like five minutes before I noticed he was looking at me. Timing or what. I got to finish the job with my new little travel vibrator - the Jimmy Pocket Rocket.
Later Alligator.

Oxford Street

2009-05-30T14:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up late today, probably because I stayed up past midnight last night drawing (when I looked at the clock my draw dropped). Anyways, I got an all day pass for the underground and went to Oxford Circus. I have no idea why they call it Circus. A circus at home involves clowns and a three ring act, here it is just a train station. One of the guide books said there was a bomb thrift store, the Salvation Army, so I went looking for it. First I found H&M and tried on a bunch of stuff - it was exciting because I have never seen one before, but the Sims game I used to play had it. I got a black skirt with flowers on it and I got a some hair pins with flowers on them. Then I kinda found the Salvation Army, r at least that is what it said on the outside. On the inside was only books and a sign for prayer meetings. So I left. Very quickly.
I still can't believe I am here. I keep reminding myself. It's like when you are high and you can only think in the present. EVerything seems to happen to you, like you're not an active participant. Just there.
I go a free makeover at Clinique. They were having some kind of buy something and get this sale. I found a lovely lipstick and a nice foundation but they didn't have my color which bummed me out. Until I saw all the other makeup vendors and tried the Dior eyeshadow and put my flower pin in my hair and took a picture in the park. I felt very pretty.
I'm amazed at how flat Hyde Park is. Now I understand why they named what must be the only hill. All of London is flat now that I think of it. It is really strange. Imagine San Fran flat! I've been munching on beef jerky and granola bars all day. I should be eating real european food, but what is that anyways. So anyways I cut through the park and they have a little pond thing going on and I took some pictures and sat leaning against a tree in the shade. I was hot, hungry and I wanted to drop off the stuff I bought at the hostel.
I bought a purple summer scarf that had some silver tinsel in it and a hot pink purse, and 15 postcards for 95 pence (like cents). I also got some water and this nasty hot dog - it was crispy on the outside and mushy on the inside - and it was brown, not pink or red. I had like tow bites but couldn't do it and left on a bench. Hopefully some hobo will eat it. So tonight my mission is to go to a pub. I am nervous because I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to sit and get drunk by myself, and I don't want to get too drunk and end up lost or attacked.
I've been noticing that the people here are different, just generally. There are alot more people with red hair, curly hair, blue eyes and big boobs. My boobs don't even seem big here. Also they call kids and young people funny things like "poppet" and "mumsy" and "love". Everyone is shorter too, so I don't seem to small. And of course everyone is thinner than the US. There are also alot of Arab people here; and in H&M there was a girl with a hijib (sp? - the headress thing muslims wear) and it was covered in fake gems. I loved that she was blending the two cultures.
There is a cute guy that speaks Spanish or Italian here. He is hot hot. Maybe I'll go into the lounge and see if anyone is there. There is a lounge with a TV where most people sit and don't talk, and then another one where they read and don't talk. I hope someone wants to hangout.
Everyone I meet asks me where I am from. I say California and they say "Thanks for bringing your weather here!" or they start singing American Woman. In their funny accents. Which is silly. Mostly guys do these corny things. I have a hard time understanding some of the people, with the accents and all. I just go 'what?" and they look at me like I am stupid and repeat themselves and if I still don't get it I smile and walk away.

First Full day by Myself

2009-05-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I took a nap and woke up just as it was getting dark. I sat in the garden to let the cool air wipe away my exhaustion and my sore head. An Australian Lady told me I looked shell shocked. The garden is actually just four picnic tables and a yard of rocks. My cell wouldn't work - so much for a world phone, no reception. Everyone in my room spoke french. I was I had learned it before I came. I'm scared about the whole thing. I just wish I had a person to talk to here.
I had a hard time sleeping. There is a little kitchen to cook in, and then the doors lead to the garden where you can eat. I brought some instant oatmeal with me and I cooked it and talked to the only other people in there. Some Canadian girls were here for school and they are leaving, but they told me it will be 18 degrees C today. So I guess what's warm? I wanted to laugh because 18 degrees in F is like nightmare cold. I started an e-mail list so I can mass e-mail everyone at home. My grandma is so worried about this whole trip, but I think my dad is proud I decided to go even though all my friends bailed out.
I went to the super market but nothing's the same here. They didn't even have Cheerios or instant oatmeal. The milk even comes in pints and smaller (like a quart). Water also comes in giant or tiny. I bought grapes, a giant water and raviolis. I found the super market on accident - I was actually trying to get to the natural history museum. It is pretty hot - I thought London was supposed to be cold all the time? All the buildings I have been in are incredibly stuffy so I try and stay outside.
I got lost coming back from the museum too. All the streets in this area seem to end with garden or gate. When I got back and drew a map in my journal it was easy to see where I went wrong but it is much harder when you're walking around out there. The buildings are tall and a lot of red brick with white brick trims and the streets are narrow. The lights to cross the street are different too.
The museum was big with all these impressive displays but it was way too hot in there. It was the first time I just walked through a museum without reading every bit of writing. At first I went into the physical science section which had only the basics which I knew from all of my college classes. I was driven out of the insect section by the sheer masses of children. The bird section was cool but there wasn't much to read. It kept getting more crowded and I was hot so I slipped into a side room - turns out I had just walked into a lecture about capturing and killing flies in Scotland. Did you know they have over a million bugs in their collection? I started to nod off since my sleeping schedule is all screwed up so I left. I took one look at the long line to get into the dino building and walked out of the museum. THe building is really impressive and long and old looking, like a castle. I wanted to sit in the grass outside but I would probably just fall asleep and wake up at dark.
I packed beef jerky which I snacked on all day instead of eating a proper lunch. The grapes here have no flavor. I guess it was stupid of me to get grapes, seeing as I come from the wine country in California. Londoners must have orgasms when they taste our grapes.
I think I am going to stay in tonight, unless I magically make friends in the next hour who invite me out. I want to go to a pub, maybe I will tomorrow. I am nervous just thinking about it though. I've only been at one bar and it was for like 5 minutes with my best friend who ordered some beer and we shared it and left. Tomorrow is Sunday and I leave Wednesday...wow, this is going to go by fast.

Hello London

2009-05-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm in a Thai restaurant - I'm so full I am almost sick. It was fairly cheap too. I have a hour to kill before I check in to my hostel. The plane ride was long, I only got 3 hours of sleep. I hear Jet lag is brutal but I feel fine; I'm not even tired. I got off the pane and spent about thirty minutes wandering around the airport. I felt lost. The border guy was upset that I didn't tell him where I was staying - he said most countries would just refuse me. I thought he was ridiculous. I could give him any address and get by the check point. but he kind of yelled at me; it was frightening. I jut nodded quietly and went off to find the underground.
You know, the underground isn't entirely underground. Alot of the time it is a little above the first story of the houses and you can see the roofs, buildings, trees and other ...trains I think they are called (or trams?). I got off after 20 minutes and realized this was as far as my directions led me. I picked right randomly and four streets down was the one I was looking for - what luck.
I have to go to the bathroom but I'm not sure if it is safe to leave my bags at the table. I have my purse which is just a bike to work bag and then I have my backpack. it is super heavy and stiff because I packed it so full, and it's awkward to carry - I feel like a turtle trying to walk on two legs.
Whoa, I actually feel very tired all of a sudden. It must be the food. I know I shouldn't nap but I am going to bed as soon as I check in. I texted Mom and Aunt Billie and my sister Air to let them know I'm alive. It's 5:30 am at home, geez.

Every begining is an end

2009-05-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

We are somewhere over the world, it is very dark. I can't seem to sleep, which is annoying. The plane is dark and so is the sky outside of the window. There is a little boy and his parents in the seats in front of me - reminds me of my brother Dean. I shouldn't be homesick already! Just finding my way through the airport was intimidating. I wonder what London will be like when we land. I hope it is not rainy or cold. It was hot at home. My mom drove me and one of her sponsees was in the back seat blathering about the bible and how she had found Jesus.
The chick sitting next to me has her headphones loud enough where I can hear the music clearly, and it's not very good music. The funny thing is that everyone on the plane seems to be British. British airways is super nice by the way, they don't charge extra for anything and give you blankets and pillows and food - even free booze! And there is a screen for each person where you can pick what you want to watch; like movies, shows, music stations. It is like having a T.V. on the plane, but for each person. I didn't have to eat what i packed and the Steward suggested some wine to help me sleep. I dozed a little but my head hurt so I've just been writing in here.
I've been taking pictures of everything. It is so exciting; I'm a little nervous and very calm. I am debating jumping over the two people next to me to get to the overhead compartment so i can have some advil pm, but I am not sure if that's allowed...

A Brief History of Northern Africa

2009-05-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

Northern Africa
In ancient times there were many empires in the area, such as the Egyptians, but they all collapsed or were conquered. Most of the region was occupied by the Berber people which were then conquered by the Arabs. After the Middle ages the area was loosely under the control of the Ottoman Empire (except Morocco).
Population: 200,489,280
Climate: mostly deserts, savannah, some Mediterranean areas.
Languages: Arabic, Berber, French, English, Italian, Tribal Languages
Religions: Sunni Muslim, “indigenous beliefs”, Small numbers of Jews and Coptic/other Christians.
Governments: Republics, Dictatorship, Monarchy, Authoritarian state

- Algeria : It was a French colony from 1830 to 1963; the war of independence lasted 8 years. There was much political turmoil until the late 70’s when a new president was elected. Still, the militant Islamic Salvation Front (FIS) has been rebelling. The constitution has undergone many revisions, as recent as 1996. Currently the unemployment is at 27% (by U.S. estimates). The U.S. Gives $4.40 Million in economic assistance.

- Egypt : It was a British colony from 1882 to 1922 when Britian gave it its independence; but it was still under their strong influence until the revolutionary 50’s. A disaffected army officer named Nasser took control of the government and nationalized Egypt’s economy in 1953. In 1970 he died and another army officer, Sadat, took his place, leading an unsuccessful war with Israel. He was assassinated. In 1981 Vice President Mubarak was elected and has been in office since. The U.S. Currently has a “large assistance program in Egypt”.

- Libya : It was an Italian colony from 1911 to 1947, when the British and French took over. Independence was granted through the United Nations in 1951. In 1959 this was one of the world’s poorest countries, and then it discovered oil and became rich - but only the elite saw this wealth. In 1969 there was a coup and the Revolutionary Command Council took control, with Qadhafi at the head. In the 80’s the U.S. accused Libya of terrorism and fought militarily and with economic sanctions. In 1999 Libya agreed to hand over suspected bombers, and in 2003 they announced they were getting rid of their WMDs - in 2004 the U.S. lifted all sanctions.

- Morocco : The coast was controlled by Portugal as early as the 1500s, but France took the northern part and Spain took the southern part in the 1800s. Morocco gained its independence from France in 1956. Spain gave over parts of Morocco in 1956, ‘58, ‘69 and the remainder of the dispusted land is now called "Western Sahara" (look below). Since the 1990s Morocco has been improving its economic and political conditions by liberalizing them. Their current inflation is low and unemployment is 9.9%.

- Sudan : The largest country in Africa and one of the most diverse, Sudan was made of tiny kingdoms under British and Egyptian control. They were granted independence in 1956 but the ruling Northern politicians reneged on promises to the South, which started the 17 year civil war. Sudan’ neighbors have harbored refugees and rebels. In 1969 socialist Nimeiri was in power. A communist tried to overthrown him so he purged the country of communists, which made the Soviets withdraw support. With each law Nimeiri lost the support of different political fractions. In 1985 he was overthrown by a popular uprising. In 1989 Bashir, head of the National Islamic Front, took over. This caused the Islamic North and Tribal South to start fighting once again. The South’s Sudan People’s Liberation Movement/Army (SPLM/A) was even supported by some of the neighboring countries. Peace talks started in 2002, focusing on religion and wealth sharing, and a peace agreement was finally signed in 2005. The first national elections will be held this year (2009).

- Tunisia : It was a French protectorate from 1881 until independence in 1956, and still has close political, economic, and cultural ties with France. The ruling party, the Democratic Constitutional Rally (RCD), was the sole legal party for 25 years, probably because opposition parties were banned until 1981. President Bourguiba placed strong emphasis on economic and social development - which continues with the Ben Ali administration. They have high literacy rates, low population growth rates, relatively low poverty rates, and generally steady economic growth. This is a very stable state.

- Western Sahara : This was part of Morocco until Spain took it over, and refused to give it back when Morocco became independent. There were many violent uprisings and militant retaliations. In 1973 Spain lost control, and its own government at home was weakening. Spain didn’t know who to hand control over to - and the decision went to the international court of Justice, which said that the Sahrawi population had the right to decide who they wanted to rule. Morocco did not accept this and sent an army in. In 1976 a treaty was signed that gave 2/3 of the country to Morocco and the lower 1/3 to Mauritania - but the Sahrawi population opposed this and the Sahrawi Arab Democratic Republic (SADR) was created by a Sahrawi leader named Polisario. SADR lead a guerilla war and won the land back from Mauritania in 1979. Morocco tried to move in on this land and the war started anew. In 1991 peace talks started and they agreed to have an election to see if the population wanted to join Morocco or become independent. The election never took place because they couldn’t agree on who could vote. The dispute continues even now, with new informal talks starting sometime in 2009 (Worsnip).
1. Worsnip, Patrick. “U.N. Council favors informal talks on Western Sahara”. Washing Post. April 30, 2009. <>

Unless Otherwise Written, Source: U.S. Department of State Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Background Notes (http://www.state.gov/r/pa/ei/bgn/index.htm)

The History of the Democratic Republic of the Congo

2009-02-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

The Congo is a vast region in Africa. It is located right after that big top of the Continent, where the coast sinks in again - that is where the Congo rives flows. The Congo river is on both the South and the north hemisphere, which means one part of it is always in the dry season and the other always in the wet season; it doesn't change much in water level throughout the year. Much of the area has jungle and wild rubber vines grow there. There are two Congos - Democratic Republic of the Congo and Republic of the Congo. They are right next to each other. The Republic of the Congo was a French colony. This is about the other country, the Democratic Republic of the Congo.

In the 1800's there were villages, nomadic people, and some small kingdoms. These were not savages, but people with a culture. They had art and language, but not written language. Europe was curious about this vast area that was left blank on their maps. Henry Morton Stanley had low class beginnings in England but took on a new name and life in America. He became a journalist and went to foreign places to write. He became famous for taking up an expedition into Africa to find a fellow white man. His writing soon inspired exploration of the Congo region and slowly the map began to be filled in.

King Leopold II of Belgium was unhappy because he felt he deserved more than this tiny country to rule. He wanted a colony and the riches that come with it. In order to get one he spent years tricking people into thinking he wanted to help the African people to become cultured and educated, while in reality he was moving in forces to take over the region. There was a meeting of European powers to decide who should control which parts of Africa; it was called the Berlin conference. King Leopold (not his country, Belgium) soon owned what he called "the Congo Free State". The United States soon recognized this as a real country and other countries followed suit.

King Leopold ordered natives to be chained up and forced to work. When rubber became a major product he ordered his army, the Force Publique, to capture women and children to hold for ransom until the native men brought back certain amounts of rubber. Africans were killed for sport and for resisting the Force Publique. Many Africans died. The soldiers had to prove that they used their bullets on natives and didn't waste them; so for each bullet used they had to turn in a hand cut from the body of a native. Sometimes they cut hands from people who were not dead. There were many uprisings but the Force Publique just had more firepower and defeated the country. In the 40 years that King Leopold controlled the area the population went from 20 million to 10 million.

Visitors were very limited. There was a monopoly of importing and exporting by a company that employed a man named E.D. Morel as their accountant. E.D. Morel was to become the most important person in the protest of the horrors in the Congo. He realized what was happening and gave up his life to work for the cause and to make people aware of the situation in the Congo- that is, slavery and mass torture/murder. Eventually King Leopold (who had become very very rich) was pressured internationally to give his colony to Belgium, which people hoped would have just rule instead of a one man regime. Unfortunately not much changed in the Congo. Morel wanted Africans to own their own land again, but most Europeans saw this as a far too radical idea. (Congo from 1885 to 1908 Source: King Leopold's Ghost by Adam Hochschild)

The Congo was granted its independence in 1960. There were almost no educated natives, and the Europeans who were living there fled - leaving many job openings that could not be filled. The new government elected a prime minister named Lumumba and a President named Kasavubu. Lumumba gave a famous speech on the day of independence that was very anti-colonialist. Some say that is what sealed his doom, others say it was his refusal to increase the pay of the army. I think it was his politics - he wanted Congo for the Congolese. He refused to give a monopoly to the Europeans and Americans, and he wanted to stop the mistreatment of his people. This sounded a little too liberal to the U.S., which had just come out of the Cold War and was afraid of communists. Unfortunately many Belgian Force Publique officers had stayed in the new army. The Belgians and the United States conspired to over throw the new government by putting the chief of staff of the army, Joseph Mobutu, in charge. Soon the army started to up rise and Lumumba was killed by the the United States C.I.A.. The coup worked after 5 years of civil unrest. After that Mobutu let outside companies come in and exploit the people and the resources of the country, become wealthy himself. He renamed the country Zaire, and renamed many cities and rivers. He embezzled most of the countries funds and left the roads and structures to decay.

In 1996 people from the near by country of Rwanda spilled into "Zaire" (the Congo). There was a bloody genocide going on in Rwanda, along the ethnic lines of Hutus and Tutsis. The same conflict was sparked in Congo and Hutus joined the Zaire's army to attack the Tutsis in the Congo. The Tutsis took up arms against the ruler, Mobutu, and were joined by many other groups (led by a man named Kabila). In 1997 Mobutu was forced to flee the country, which was having a civil war, and Kabila named himself President. All the names of cities and places reverted to their original ones.

A second civil war started only a year after. Rebels who didn't like Kabila's rule gained support from near by countries and fought the government, which also had support from other near by countries. Kabila was killed and his son, Joseph Kabila, took his place as ruler - he immediately tried to have peace talks but the war continued. The fighting went from 1998 to 2003, when Kabila had a peace talk with the rebels and agreed to share control of the government with them. In 2006 the Congo (officially called Democratic Republic of the Congo) became democratic, ratifying a constitution and having it's first ever elections. Kabila won with 45% of the vote but the elections were accused of being tampered with. A second election was tried and Kabila won with 70% of the vote - all observers from outside the country said it was a fair election but the losing party said it was not fair.

The nation is new and there is still much fighting, which the government can not control. The near by countries of Uganda and Rwanda have long ongoing wars - fighting and refugees are constantly coming into the Democratic Republic of the Congo. There is widespread famine and disease ravages the country. The war is not considered to have ended. According to time magazine it has killed over 5.4 million people - it is being called "the deadliest war in the world". (Congo 1908 to 2009 source: wikipedia ).